The Shadow of Blueberg: A Faves & Flags adventure

April 1, 2017 4:05 PM

Alright, Faves & Flags fans: you rolled your character, you've read the player's manual, and now you're ready to adventure. So sidle in to the local tavern and let's begin!
posted by cortex (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 4:05 PM (452 comments total)

Important disclaimer: I am not really very experienced at all running adventures even in game systems that actually exist, and have done close to zero planning for this, and have no idea how any of it will go. On the upside, you don't have to have any idea what's going on either, so I think we're in good shape! And now, to set the scene...
posted by cortex at 4:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Allright, let's do this.

I ... uh, turn to page six
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:06 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ YOU FIND YOURSELF, as residents of Blueberg often do as evening sets in, lounging with a drink and a meal in the bustling confines of the Requested Pony Inn. The tavern is large, but full to bursting with custom, as villagers, tradesmen, scholars, and passing adventurers jockey for seating and call out to wait staff for refills on their beers and grogs and coffees. The din is impressive but not oppressive; somehow the colliding sounds of arguments, academic discussion, laughter, wizarding pedantry, and clattering laptop keyboards mix in a way that is, if not euphonious, at least comforting. It's a bit of a mess in here, but it feels like home.
posted by cortex at 4:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

I order the grog-n'-coffee
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:08 PM on April 1, 2017

I begin to mime table-to-table, in hopes of acquiring a coin or two.
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:09 PM on April 1, 2017

I park my blue whale at the horserail outside.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 4:10 PM on April 1, 2017

I perform "two raccoons fighting over an abandoned shawarma."
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

auibilenon shouts their order for a G&C across the bar, where the publican nods and draws it out. Banjos appear, to no one's particular surprise, which says something about the crowd or about banjos. Some hit a mime; there is mild applause.
posted by cortex at 4:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I don my fedora of torpor.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am outside sweeping the street, muttering to myself about the apple newton of my youth and searing oaths of vengeance upon the thieves, as usual.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

LobsterMitten's whale slurps some krill from the provided trough. It's a moist night, good for landborne aquatic mammals.

A tired-looking waiter swings by aubilenon's table and drops off a grog, no coffee, with a sloshing thump, proceeding briskly past despite their objections to the next table with a muttered "buddy, just flagon and move on".
posted by cortex at 4:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [29 favorites]

I quaff a flagon of mead and ask others at my table if it is still okay to eat this tuna.
posted by chococat (the devil) at 4:13 PM on April 1, 2017

All hopped up on grog-n-coffee, I climb unsteadily up on the table, shout to get the room's attention, and cast Cone of Joke.

Let's see. I rolled a 4½. Is that good?
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:13 PM on April 1, 2017

I USE MIC DROP
posted by dw at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2017

Hearing the banjos, i sheathe my broom and head into the pub.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I perform "mime struck by banjo."
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Arrrgh! No! I'm not ready! I don't have a hat! I can't choose a hat! I... equip... a... PLATE OF BEANS HAT! +2 TO OVERTHINKING! YEAH!
posted by byanyothername (the greyfell) at 4:14 PM on April 1, 2017

Wearing my calcified birthday suit, I begin to juggle.
posted by RikiTikiTavi (the frenzied) at 4:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

A banjo flies out the inn's window, flying over the contented whale and landing in a splintering clatter at the spot Stonestock had just finished sweeping. It's always that way, it seems like.

dw drops a spectral mic on chococat's tuna, settling the matter decisively.

The joke misfires, damaging aubilenon for 2 hitpoints.

The crowd finds TheWhiteSkull's situationalist portrayal convincing, and begin applauding less sarcastically.
posted by cortex at 4:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

I make a perfect cup of coffee.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:16 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I use my trenchant camera of petulance to capture this moment. Not that I liked it, anyway. *pouts*
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 4:16 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

ChuraChura the Sifaka Lemur dismounts her worrying llama, locks it to the hitchpost and bounces into the Requested Pony. She turns to the closest person not engaged in juggling, mime, or playing the banjo. "You haven't seen any ... raw vegetables ... in these parts?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 4:16 PM on April 1, 2017

I remind the DM that he PROMISED me I could use "swarm of children" to overpower foes so he better have that on his list.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 4:17 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

I polish my metallic tuxedo. Take that however you like.
posted by peeedro (the lion) at 4:17 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ow, my hitpoints!

I need another grog-n-coffee
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:17 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Around the edge of the crowd, I begin making discreet inquiries about whether anyone's seen a particular swindler in town.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 4:17 PM on April 1, 2017

I head back outside, dejected, to clean up the banjo and resume muttering and the swearing of oaths.
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:18 PM on April 1, 2017

Suddenly, the bartender's eyes glaze over, and with a disturbing lack of affect he speaks, to no one in particular:

"Okay, I'll try to work in that swarm child thing."

He blinks, and shakes his head in confusion.
posted by cortex at 4:18 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

My swarm of bees prepares for battle against Eyebrows' swarm of children.
posted by bookmammal (the queen of bees) at 4:18 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I perform "I'm covered in bees!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:19 PM on April 1, 2017

At the mention of raw vegetables, a group of Dork Elves in the corner glance at ChuraChura and mutter. Hrm.

The bartender, his sense returning, nose-spied valkane's coffee and inquires after the recipe.

The waiter passes by aubilenon's table again and warns about the no-table-jumping rule if they don't want to get cut off.
posted by cortex at 4:20 PM on April 1, 2017

I can't bear insolent barkeeps, so I use my beligerent cloak of banning.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I look around the tavern and wonder if there is a Level 3 Warlock of Icy Fusion of House CFML who might be able to make name tags appear in this particular establishment as well so that we can more accurately mock each other's weaknesses respect each other's unique skills.
posted by Phire (the precocious) at 4:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

*leaning over Dungeon Moderator screen to whisper to valkane*

It might be a bad idea to ban the person everybody is getting their orders from. You sure about this?
posted by cortex at 4:22 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Unfortunately the Warlock is sleeping; after he sought EUtopia he was cursed with a spell that causes him to wake when others sleep and sleep when others wake. If you wait about 8 hours he can probably make that happen.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 4:22 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Well this is a wonderful surprise. :-)

Readies his Storm Of Bean.
posted by -t (the blessed) at 4:22 PM on April 1, 2017

I cast hug fiend.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

[Sadly, I planned this too haphazardly to get the character sheet tags set up on this thread right away; we'll add it later when frimble's awake again. Make do for now!]
posted by cortex at 4:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

And tip the barkeep.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I discreetly bounce closer to the Dork Elves; since muttering is one of my skills (and I've read several wikipedia pages about it), I should be able to understand what they're saying?
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 4:25 PM on April 1, 2017

To valkane's surprise, the fiend, who had been nursing a beanbrew on a nearby barstool, bursts into tears at the embrace. "It's just...it's been a pretty rough couple of months for me, I lost my job at the fiendery, I...thanks."

The dots that hippybear connects spell out a magic sigil, which briefly glows and then disappears along with his eyebrows.
posted by cortex at 4:26 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I cast Reveal Cabal!
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:27 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Wait, can he do that?
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:28 PM on April 1, 2017

The Dork Elves, at first oblivious to ChuraChura's approach, continue whispering in what she concludes is Lower Middle Mutterish. It's difficult to make out above the bar noise, but as she sneaks closer she catches this:

"...must know about the heist. We need to move the carrots tonight, before anyone gets a chance to track down where we're hiiiIIIIII THERE CHURA, HOW YOU DOIN', HEY." Busted. The Dork Elves jump up and scram nimbly out a nearby window.
posted by cortex at 4:29 PM on April 1, 2017

The mime-watchers break off their now genuinely heartfelt applause to shout in unison:

"THERE IS NO CABAL"
posted by cortex at 4:29 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

I finish with my task outside the pub and walk in with a shambly pile of a former banjo and shout "for whom this feotid post-musical mess refer to as owner!?"
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:30 PM on April 1, 2017

(i am verbose)
posted by Stonestock Relentless at 4:30 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

As Stonestock shouts, the banjo pile vaporizes spontaneously, leaving nothing behind but a smell of wood polish and sulfur. Wizard banjos! Always wizard banjos.
posted by cortex at 4:31 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

As is my habit, I cast Tedium Storm (char.), which all the local improv players hate because it's basically against the rules of improv, and now they have to "go with" a spell that doesn't really advance the action, which is supposedly more difficult, but then I say "well if you're good at this, then surely you don't mind a challenge?" and they have to admit I'm right. Usually.
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 4:31 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I sneeze and drop my keys.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:33 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

A pall of tedium breaks out over the tavern crowd. Even the sign outside seems affected, the pony seeming for a few moments to be less requested than usual. Then a grumbling murmer of counterspells commences, livening the mood once more.
posted by cortex at 4:33 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I was going to cast Bean Foam out the window after the elves in the hope of tripping them up, but now I'm just ... bored.
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 4:34 PM on April 1, 2017

I order the guacamole of destitution and a nice pot of tea. While waiting for my luncheon to arrive, I spot a gazebo lurking in a corner of the pub. I fire an arrow at it.
posted by Wordshore at 4:34 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

~~~ AS YOU GLANCE ABOUT THE BAR, your eyes fall on a familiar sight: the Jobs board, where other Blueberg residents post tasks and employment opportunities. There are some new postings in the last couple of days.
posted by cortex at 4:36 PM on April 1, 2017

Did someone say tripping up?

Kimberussell tightens her corset, puts on her chafing Raybans, hops on a nearby table, trips and knocks everyone's flagons off of the table.

She then executes a perfect flamenco dance, the energy from her heels inspiring the denizens to raise their flags high and toss them at the tedium storm.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 4:37 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I stagger unsteadily up to the Jobs board, and click on the first thing I see
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:39 PM on April 1, 2017

I remove my appalling raybans of search engine optimization and glance casually at the Jobs board.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 4:39 PM on April 1, 2017

The Jobs board beeps at you, and updates with an individual entry:

"RATT PROBLEM: there's an infestation in the basement of the Req. Pony. Need it taken care of. Inquire with bartender."
posted by cortex at 4:40 PM on April 1, 2017

I was hoping for catsitting, but I can I guess take care of some pet rats, while the bartender is on holiday. I inquire!
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:42 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I would scan the noticeboard for a job, as the demand for skilled knot-tiers has fallen away dramatically in these post-peak string times, but wearing a portentous hood makes it somewhat difficult to read things.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence (the bean-plater) at 4:43 PM on April 1, 2017

I shake my tin cup, huddled in my usual place tonight, as every night, begging questions.

"Spare a question, suh?"

I mutter under my breath a lot. "Buncha wrong-wipers in here tonight. And people are lookin at the jobs board; things are gettin awfully fantastickal."
posted by fleacircus at 4:43 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

The barkeep polishes his phone screen absentmindedly. "Yeah, they been down there for a week now. I tried to ignore it but it's hurting business. I need 'em gone. Humanely if you can, but one way or the other. There's three gold stars in it, split it up however you want." He nods to the basement stairs, from which you can hear a thumping racket.
posted by cortex at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Kimberusssell dances up to the bartender.

"Is it true that you have an 80s hair metal band that you need Out of the Cellar?"
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I tip my fedora and the barkeep (again), telling him re: rat problem, I want in.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:44 PM on April 1, 2017

I mime "Punching the hair-rocker."
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2017

A small party appears to be cohering at the threshold of the inn's basement stairs. You nod to one another, and then proceed downward, tipping open the door. The racket intensifies, and you see in the dimlight a cluster of glamrockers, working through some new material. They fall silent and stare at the group of you.
posted by cortex at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I cast a flurry of Cat Arrows at the rats. Problem solved! Except, uh, now there's all these cats in your basement.
posted by sarcasticah (the cocksure) at 4:47 PM on April 1, 2017

The head Ratt hisses at you. "What's this motley crew, come to interrupt our rehearsal? Begone!" The drummer waves a drumstick threateningly.
posted by cortex at 4:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

*mumbles*
posted by Joseph Gurl (the astrologer) at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2017

I ready my Trained Llamas of Anticipation
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2017

I ask the bartender if he has any fitted sheets around. I have a feeling several of the ne'er-do-wells in this crowd might know their way around a fitted sheet.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2017

The cats land wide and get caught in the kick drum. There's a blanket in there, and they settle in.
posted by cortex at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Is there any bred nearby I can lik?
posted by gamera (the seer) at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Upstairs, a cow gives gamera a knowing look.

The musicians begin to chant at the interlopers. "Shame! Shame! Shame!"
posted by cortex at 4:49 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

This fedora makes my thighs sweat.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:50 PM on April 1, 2017

I bounce towards JosephGurl. "Pardon me, do you speak Mutter as well?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 4:50 PM on April 1, 2017

The bassist thumps out an angry warning on his low E string. The drummer begins to nod along. They all look at the new arrivals with hungry eyes, pulsing with the threatening rhythm. The head Ratt begins to chant along:

"Out of the cellar! Out of the cellar!"
posted by cortex at 4:51 PM on April 1, 2017

"You guys should call yerselves Glambergrease," I say habitually to the glam rockers, clutching my accursed log of caring. "Shoulda brought the evens tonight."
posted by fleacircus at 4:51 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don my frisky apron of absenteeism and wander downstairs. I stuff a few glamrockers in the pocket of the apron.

I give valkane my repugnant yoga pants, thinking that their thighs will sweat less.
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 4:51 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

In the cellar, I attempt to cast Befriend and wonder if we can't all just get along. I apologize to the band for our Invasion of Your Privacy.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 4:52 PM on April 1, 2017

The guitarist and bassist struggle in sylvanshine's apron, cursing. The head Ratt shouts, suddenly worried: "Look, look, this is a...lack of communication! Let's not let this go over the edge!"
posted by cortex at 4:52 PM on April 1, 2017

(kimberussell the Crone falls under the spell of the 80s music. Her hair begins to spontaneously crimp.)
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 4:53 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I give syvanshine a cup of coffee in thanks.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 4:53 PM on April 1, 2017

The head Ratt nods to Secretariat, the spell doing its work. "Look, let's...let's just lay this down, okay. We can be cool. We can be way cool." He looks pleadingly to the sylvanshine, hoping for the release of his friends.

"Can we talk about this?"
posted by cortex at 4:54 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

/me casts Grar Tempest on the room.
posted by octothorpe (the bookish) at 4:55 PM on April 1, 2017

I use my sausage of flattery.

"Come on, guys- you shouldn't be playing in a dump like this. You guys are way bigger than some flea-infested firetrap in a one-and-a-half horse town! You should be out trying to get bookings!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 4:55 PM on April 1, 2017

Head Ratt nods at TheWhiteSkull. "You're right, it's...we just lost our usual practice space, and a couple gigs fell through, and—the thing is, there's a dragon, right? Used to be our landlord but now he's kicked us out, says he's got to make better rent because he's got a cash shortfall or...something, I dunno. So now we're stuck moving city to city."

"Maybe if you can talk to him? Lives up in the Green Mountains? If we can get our practice space back, we're outta here, no problem."
posted by cortex at 4:57 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm looting their stuff, I know a pedal pedlar who pays top dollar.
posted by fleacircus at 4:58 PM on April 1, 2017

I spend several minutes reading the Wikipedia article on the Green Mountains, then another three hours reading other increasingly unrelated stuff.

Okay, let's go!
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 5:00 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Grab that chorus pedal, mine broke.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:00 PM on April 1, 2017

h00py enters wearing her peaceful smock and strumming a ukelele, calling out "hey guys and gals, where the good tunes at?" She looks longingly to the west.
posted by h00py (the avenger) at 5:00 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ THE BARTENDER APPEARS at the top of the stairs, shouting: "look, I don't care what's going on down there but as long as the music stays stopped, keep it up."

The Head Ratt looks at aubilenon and the rest of you hopefully. "Just talk to the dragon, work it out, we'll keep quiet in the meantime."
posted by cortex at 5:02 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Sylvanshine sees the theft and casts Fog of Brine at fleacircus and valkane. "We were just making friends with them!"
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 5:02 PM on April 1, 2017

Upstairs, the general patronage of the inn turn as h00py makes her entrance. "h0000ppyy!" A banjo is tossed cheerfully.
posted by cortex at 5:03 PM on April 1, 2017

These pickles are making me thirsty.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:04 PM on April 1, 2017

My blood runs cold at the mention of the Green Mountains. "It's not safe up there... So many questions there, and side-questions."
posted by fleacircus at 5:04 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Nah, take it, it's a crap bit of kit. But you owe us." With that, the Ratt set down their instruments and engage in a grouphug, transforming into a difficult-to-look-at swarm: the legendary Rattking. You all head upstairs, discomfited but resolved to pursue this dragon issue.
posted by cortex at 5:04 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I let 'em keep their drums for symbolic reasons.
posted by fleacircus at 5:04 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

(Kimberussell unfurls a small map and drives her Dagger of Joy into the area marked "Green Mountains.")

Let's go befriend this dragon. Let's bring it a gift. Are the plums still in the icebox?
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:05 PM on April 1, 2017

The Rattking shouts hoarsely after fleacircus, from below: "it's dangerous but worth the risk!" The bartender shudders, and closes the basement door.
posted by cortex at 5:05 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ THE ICEBOX IS mysteriously empty. A quest for another day.
posted by cortex at 5:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

*pockets chorus pedal*
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:06 PM on April 1, 2017

"Wait - do you think the dragon likes *shudder* raw vegetables?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:07 PM on April 1, 2017

(sigh) The plums were so sweet and so cold. I'm sure the Dragon would have liked them for breakfast. Ah, well.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:07 PM on April 1, 2017

I know Tempest of Dog!

I go to Ye Olde General Shoppe and purchase yon can of Alpo.
posted by JHarris (the astrologer) at 5:07 PM on April 1, 2017

A small crowd gathers round the table where kimberussell's map lays. An oldtimer whistles under his breath: "them mountains ain't no place for foolin' around. You going up, you best be wary." The Green Mountains, to be sure, are craggy and not known for their friendly fauna. Even the flora are sometimes belligerent. But you all have a questions for a dragon: questions that need answering. You resolve to march forth with as many as are willing to follow, after finishing your drinks and grabbing your packs.
posted by cortex at 5:08 PM on April 1, 2017

(And props on the stat names. I want to use those in an actual game!)
posted by JHarris (the astrologer) at 5:08 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I shrug at the mention of a dragon, adjusting my nonplussed beret and shrugging into my nonchalant robe of pluck.
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 5:09 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Anybody need a ride? My blue whale has a few hundred extra seats, for those as can pay (with krill).
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 5:09 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

The banjo was thrown from the east and h00py is unfortunately hit in the head. She dabs at her injury with her tufted helm of wool and then proceeds to get roaringly drunk, during which time she lies about the time she slept with a Mumford.
posted by h00py (the avenger) at 5:09 PM on April 1, 2017

Ack! Bondcliff the Bastard Scotsman is here. Be watchin' yer grammar!

(I have never played an RPG in my life. I'm a terrible nerd)
posted by bondcliff (the bastard scotsman) at 5:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Don't tell tales, you know that was my bloody son," the local Mumford growls, his mustache sodden with ale and contemporary folk rootsiness.
posted by cortex at 5:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

"My and my trained llama can take some passengers, too!"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:11 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ DOES THE PARTY split that tab for whale krill and llama feed, or will you be proceeding largely on foot? Or whatever your appendages are.
posted by cortex at 5:11 PM on April 1, 2017

"If we have no plums to feed the dragon, perhaps mushrooms? Can anyone here identify shiitake mushrooms?"
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 5:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I cast conjure krill! And, waiting expectantly for a krill-storm, hop in that Chrysler, as big as a whale, and it's about to set sail... wait, never mind, it is a whale.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:13 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Regardless, I bring my jukebox money.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:14 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I bring my juke-box money.
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 5:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

And her name is Chrysler! Uncanny!
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 5:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I mime "D'oh!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 5:15 PM on April 1, 2017

"You know, as a Legitimate Business Lemur, I'd be happy to offer you a reasonable price for krill and llama feed, and I'm sure we can make arrangements for whatever you want to bring the dragon."
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:17 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

~~~ AND SO THEY SET FORTH ON WHALEBACK to the Green Mountains and the lair of the dragon landlord, to inquire after his money troubles and Ratt's subsequent eviction. The whaleflight is not long, though by the end of it those not accustomed to Chrysler's company have generally had their fill of the salt and krill odor.

The whale sets down in a pond not far from the entrance to the dragon's lair, and the party dismounts. You smell brimstone and ash—signs that the dragon is home, at least—and see a landscape pocked with strange, fresh-dug holes.
posted by cortex at 5:18 PM on April 1, 2017

*sidles up to JHarris* Have you seen my keys?
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:19 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don a little green banker visor and start working on a google spreadsheet to settle our accounts here in town. I don't notice until everyone's gone and I run after them grabbing onto a tail fin.
posted by fleacircus at 5:20 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ THE BARTENDER GOES GLAZED AGAIN, and intones: "Stuff's still happening at the bar, but y'all maybe just talk amongst yourselves if there's no Dungeon Modding going on." He does a quick pistol fingers and then his eyes focus again.
posted by cortex at 5:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

You're krillin' me here, Chrysler.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I roll for charisma... it comes up 4 so I sit down with a plate of Four Bean Salad.

The chair fits my end well.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 5:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

"Stuff's still happening at the bar"

Like over here maybe.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 5:21 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"This place must be sacred - it is quite holy," I say, showing off my skills in dad jokes.
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 5:22 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I head over to inspect the holes more closely.
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:22 PM on April 1, 2017

I cast Joke Ball in an attempt to intensify nubs' dad-jokery!
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:24 PM on April 1, 2017

I warily scan the evening sky, making sure that none of the clouds are shaped like animals.
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 5:24 PM on April 1, 2017

*inspects chryslers underside* Ya know, this could use some bottom paint, beginning of the season and all.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:25 PM on April 1, 2017

The holes—free of raw veggies, ChuraChura notes with a cautious satisfaction—are hard to make sense of. They are steep and numerous, but appear to serve no purpose and while many have been dug, none are filled in. Dragons are not know for hole-digging and in fact most suffer from mild to moderate trypophobia, so it is unlikely to be intentional landscaping.

The entrance to the dragon's lair looms nearby, smoke trickling out.

The sky is clear of mammalian clouds, though a few cirrus clouds on the horizon could with squinting be spelling out "snek".
posted by cortex at 5:26 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

nubs joke swells into a dangerous-looking pun pustule before, to your collective relief, collapsing into a mildly humorous vortex and dissipating.
posted by cortex at 5:26 PM on April 1, 2017

Don't step on snek.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:27 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

The constable prince waltzes in and throws a cheesy 80s teen romance on the floor.
posted by brujita (the constable prince) at 5:31 PM on April 1, 2017

Wearing my banded apron of double posting I peer out from behind a tree, wondering what those holes are, who these strange people are and why there is a whale in my pond.
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 5:31 PM on April 1, 2017

Wearing my banded apron of double posting I peer out from behind a tree, wondering what those holes are, who these strange people are and why there is a whale in my pond. And after three tries I realize double postings have been disabled unless you add to them.
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 5:32 PM on April 1, 2017 [9 favorites]

nubs joke swells into a dangerous-looking pun pustule before, to your collective relief, collapsing into a mildly humorous vortex and dissipating.


"I've heard it said that my jokes suck, but that was an on point demonstration."
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 5:33 PM on April 1, 2017

In dragonland, the holes inspect you. A song is heard faintly but from all directions...

You can burr-y, you can berr-y
the two are quite contrary
so be very very wary:
which accent do you carry?
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 5:33 PM on April 1, 2017

Kimberussell makes toward the cave, trying to step around the many holes in the dragon's plot.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:33 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I roll for punnery, get a 2 and am banished to the Dumb-geon.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 5:34 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Uh-oh, there's a cucumber amongst us! Quietgal the Fitzempress dons caring fishpants, tosses Ozymandian bathrobe to ChuraChura, and douses the area in a brine fog. Take that, raw vegetable!
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 5:35 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm following kimberussell, surefooted and snarky leads the way.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:36 PM on April 1, 2017

Guys I'm not sure how to proceed - does anyone have an Ask/Guess coin we could flip?
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

From a distance, I wave cheerily at cuke and gesture exaggeratedly at the hex wrench of posting on my hip to imply that I too am an initiate in the school of posting, if only singly.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2017

Hey, somebody with the bad pun skill needs to step up here: we've got a cucumber in a pickle
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

I swing in from an oddly-handy vine, alight next to the party, and say "Sorry I'm late guys, I got a bit distracted by my dirk. What's the haps?"

(hey, you knew you weren't going to get by without Greg_Ace the unavoidable, right?)
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

As ChuraChura approaches the lair entrance, a great gust of hot air and brimstone blasts outward, bowling all your hair or fur or whatever variously you each might have back. You brace for a moment in fear, but gust is accompanied only by a distracted voice, in deep basso, saying "Cuke, is that you? Look, I'm afraid rent will have to jump up a bit again this month, pond maintenance costs you know, nothing to do for it until—"

The voice breaks off and you see a glint as the dragon's eyes turn toward the party. "Oh! Sorry, I thought you were my tenant. You must be here about the advertisement? You'd like to lease the space? Come in!"
posted by cortex at 5:38 PM on April 1, 2017

Using mime, I shadow kimberussel.
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 5:39 PM on April 1, 2017

Gosh Quietgal, that's quite a dilly!
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:39 PM on April 1, 2017

I've got a cousin who's a dragon. His name is Yurasis.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:41 PM on April 1, 2017

If I was married to your cousin, I could say "Yurasis mine!"
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:43 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Quaking in fear because of the proximity of the cucumber, I bounce slightly closer to the dragon. "Yes ... the ... advertisement ... can you tell us more about that ... space?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:43 PM on April 1, 2017

I have a bachelors degree in swamp maintenance so I'm well qualified to run a muck.

But pickle punning is something I do NOT relish.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 5:43 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

Enfa, the perfect prince, clad in his famous belaguring robe, regally yet gingerly uses his jazz-handed staff to prod the door of the lair.

He rolls a 1.8, is that bad?
posted by enfa (the perfect prince) at 5:44 PM on April 1, 2017

Pretty good for a post-operative there, foop.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:45 PM on April 1, 2017

Gosh, I hope it's not a warm, drowsy hayloft, I fear one day returning to one of those.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:45 PM on April 1, 2017

Sylvanshine casts Fog of Brine again because really
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 5:45 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

"Well, you know the basics, 1800 square feet, kitchenette, utilities included, etc. But the lighting is especially nice and you've got share access to a nearby pond. And the rate is...well, it's competitive, but, look at these mountains! What a view. You look like you...all? appreciate a proper view. What I need is—"

Speaking as he lumbers his enormous frame through the lair, he stumbles briefly as his toe catches in a hole, several of which you now see have been dug within the cave as well.

"Er, that is, I—two forms of identification from the primary lessor, and first and last as deposit, refundable conditionally, I've got a scroll around here...somewhere, with the, ah, details."
posted by cortex at 5:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I toss off my tennis bracelet of solitude, grab Secretariat and storm toward the lair. That dragon promised me no rent increases for the next year. My combativeness skill is showing. Chura Chura will not get my space.
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 5:47 PM on April 1, 2017

I think we lost the DM. This is a pickle.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:48 PM on April 1, 2017

Sylvanshine unfurls a scroll containing his biography, and describes how his childhood home was taken by eminent domain. He exclaims to the party, "That's what Big Dragon did to me. Why can't we do the same to them?? We have the numbers!!"
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 5:48 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Now we know how many holes it takes to fill a dragon hall.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:49 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Having been raised by wolves, Kimberussell examines the space by pacing in circles and sniffing to discover who the former occupants were.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:50 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Maybe I can fill some of these holes... I cast Fog of Lava. Maybe aa'll solve it!
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 5:50 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

The dragon rolls his eyes, closes one nostril with a scaly claw and fires a napalm rocket from the other at sylvanshine's scroll, toasting it to a crispt with threatening, harmless accuracy. "Look, I won't have a fight in here, I can't clean up another mess right now. Let's talk lease or get yourselves gone, I have enough troubles already right now."
posted by cortex at 5:51 PM on April 1, 2017

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH A raw vegetable!" I cower in fear behind my llama and everyone else, and start waving my hands in an attempt to cast Daemon of Fave.
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 5:51 PM on April 1, 2017

The fog of lava seeps quickly down into several holes, disappearing; they don't fill, and seem therefore to be very deep indeed.

kimberussel detects an earthy mammalian odor, not something she can place but at least familiar.
posted by cortex at 5:52 PM on April 1, 2017

xyzzy
posted by sammyo (the god-like one) at 5:52 PM on April 1, 2017

I must say, it's much warmer in here than my glacier-cave was!

I don my complete snowshoes of reconciliation and say to the dragon and Cuke, "Do you guys need a hug?"
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:52 PM on April 1, 2017

I use Rhetorical Jujitsu to convince the dragon that in order to make up for the theft of sylvanshine's childhood home, he must allow RATT to have their practice space at the rent they were paying before.
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 5:53 PM on April 1, 2017

"Elbereth", the dragon replies reflexively, and offers sammyo a kleenex.
posted by cortex at 5:53 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I have a Verbosity of 29 and a Vivacity of 7. Sounds about right.
posted by bibliowench (the frenzied) at 5:53 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Even pre-operative I was barely operative. But on my character sheet Vitality was my highest stat and I suspect it was taking it straight off my pacemaker battery.

So if we're ever short a DM, I can provide some DC (electricity, not comics or Washington).
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 5:53 PM on April 1, 2017

I pull out my feathered selfie stick of Oh Snap-ing, because is there ever a good time?
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:55 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Ahhhhhh, I see. Ratt, eh. Well, they couldn't cover their rent increase; unless that's changed, I'm afraid there's nothing to discuss. And I've heard their 'music', so I doubt they're becoming more solvent any time soon. You are their agents? You're wasting your time, and I have—" he glances at the holes again, annoyance clear on his scaled brow—"more pressing concerns."
posted by cortex at 5:55 PM on April 1, 2017

The dragon's troubled demeanor cracks ever so briefly as he turns toward Secretariat's phone and duckfaces for the picture.
posted by cortex at 5:57 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I hand sylvanshine the pilfered chorus box. Take this sister, may it serve you well.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 5:57 PM on April 1, 2017

Oooh ooh! I get it! I ask about the holes!
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 5:57 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I take a selfie with the dragon.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:57 PM on April 1, 2017

"The dragon has ironing to do??" I ask, dad-pan.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:58 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I take a selfie with oneswellfoop- he gives me bunny ears.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:58 PM on April 1, 2017

Kimberussell uses her Mathematics skill. "Dragon, at the rate these new holes are popping up, you're not going to have a space to rent in..." (she scribbles some formulas) "...in very soon." Can you tell us about these holes?

She ends her query with an involuntary flamenco flourish.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 5:59 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I take a selfie with one of the holes.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 5:59 PM on April 1, 2017

Don't ask about the holes, they're the pits.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 5:59 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

LOOK I HATE TO INTERRUPT OUR GAMING TO CORRECT YOUR GRAMMAR, BUT IF THERE'S MORE THAN ONE SELF IN THE PICTURE, IT'S A SELVESIE
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 5:59 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I realize I inadvertently left my Joke Cone spell on, and turn it off before the batteries run down.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:00 PM on April 1, 2017

The dragon looks at aubilenon, at kimberussel, and opens his mouth to speak, pauses, glances to the rear of his lair, which you notice for the first time seems surprisingly empty. He closes his mouth, an odor of embarrassment suddenly flooding the cavern.

"Is, is that the new Samsung?" he asks Secretariat, clearly dodging.
posted by cortex at 6:00 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"It's a Greek chorus pedal so be careful with it though. Like, get blood tests."
posted by fleacircus at 6:00 PM on April 1, 2017

In an attempt to influence negotiations, I cast Embarassing Typo on the dragon.
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 6:01 PM on April 1, 2017

I take a twovesie with aubilenon.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 6:01 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Hey shia laBeouf is down in one these....
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:02 PM on April 1, 2017

Look, forget it, I'll just find out myself. I jump in one of the holes, using my Snowflake of Lobster to (maybe) slow down my fall to a survivable speed.
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:02 PM on April 1, 2017

I roll up my ductile Treaty of Westphalia and peer into a hole that isn't clogged with lava.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:02 PM on April 1, 2017

I look nervously at Greg_Ace's snowshoes of reconciliation, smile at Secretariat's phone and try and edge into the photo. And then the next photo. And the next photo. So....many...photos. And none with me. Screw it. I cast dog miasma.
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 6:03 PM on April 1, 2017

Bats, there are killer bats in the holes
posted by sammyo (the god-like one) at 6:03 PM on April 1, 2017

While the dragon is distracted by Secretariat's phone, I vertically cling and leap towards the back of the cavern.
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 6:03 PM on April 1, 2017

But I assumed this game didn't have a Dungeon Master, it had a Pungeon Master.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 6:03 PM on April 1, 2017

Sorry, I misread my character sheet. Snowflake of Lobsters
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:03 PM on April 1, 2017

aubilenon falls a good fifty feet before a narrowing of the hole allows them to stop their descent at least temporarily. There's no footing below and as far as they can tell the hole continues indefinitely.

Johnny sees nothing down the hole but darkness.
posted by cortex at 6:04 PM on April 1, 2017

That's why you need lobstermittens, no doubt.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:04 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Can't see nothing. I pull out a non-ukulele and provide a non-twee soundtrack for ChuraChura's movements.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:05 PM on April 1, 2017

While out phlebotanizing some vegetation, I notice the whale soaring past and follow to where it landed.
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:05 PM on April 1, 2017

🎶 WHAT HO!
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:06 PM on April 1, 2017

Kimberussell casts Dog Cloud (13/10, heckin good spell) down the hole and allows aubilenon to float back to the surface on the backs of 60 wriggling Labradoodles.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 6:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

The dragon poses a couple more times and then glances around and sees ChuraChura standing in the denuded rear of the cavern. With a shock of anger he turns and shouts, "look, you, that's my gold, you stay away from my treasu—"

His words catch, and you all watch him seem to deflate as the weight of what he's saying sinks in.

"Well, I suppose that's it, then. Now you know."
posted by cortex at 6:06 PM on April 1, 2017

I chatter with the dragon about cameras, while slyly extending the selfie stick to its full length and attempting to take a photograph deep in one of the floor holes.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 6:06 PM on April 1, 2017

Whew, good thing my Velocity is only 8.

I shout out nervously "Hey! Any CHUDs or anything down here?"
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:07 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Secretariat gets several Instagram-worthy pictures of dirt and darkness, but no new insight into the nature of the holes.
posted by cortex at 6:07 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm investigating the cave, staying away from a particularly smelly spot. "Original bathrooms, nice."
posted by fleacircus at 6:08 PM on April 1, 2017

Trying to help, I cast a Ball of Lightning down aubilenon's hole, inadvertently boiling him like a lobster.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:08 PM on April 1, 2017

Maybe if this thread gets long enough we can use it to climb down the holes!
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:08 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

What happened??
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2017

"Victorian, fully restored," the dragon shouts dispiritedly at fleacircus.
posted by cortex at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2017

🎵 HEY HO!
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2017

"Yes! Who's got the Double Post skill again?!"
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 6:09 PM on April 1, 2017

Scribbles down "Nature of the Holes" as possible new band name for RATT as per my skillset.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

[derail [aside: ah ha!! this is the secret plan to solve the monster political thread problem, brilliant just utterly] sorry]
posted by sammyo (the god-like one) at 6:11 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

I wonder if those holes go all the way through to the other side of the Meta'rth, where people are vikings.
posted by fleacircus at 6:11 PM on April 1, 2017

*adjusts Sash of Pluck* 🎶 YOLO!
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:11 PM on April 1, 2017

Quietgal douses Greg_Ace's lightning with a Welter of Brine, and castigates him with the full vinyl record of Shakespearean insults for being so careless.

Venerable cortex, we beseech thee: will aubilenon live to adventure with us again?
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 6:11 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

[aubilenon is shaken and tanned but once retrieved from the hole will live and soldier on.]
posted by cortex at 6:12 PM on April 1, 2017

I use my fitted sheet folding skill to fold a rope and climb down to explore the holes.
posted by lharmon (the impeccable) at 6:12 PM on April 1, 2017

(kimberussell, having been raised by wolves, howls in grief at the scorched cloud of Labradoodles)
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 6:13 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

(Check to make sure I still have my banded apron of double posting). "I do" I call to sylvanshine.
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 6:13 PM on April 1, 2017

A descent via sheetrope of a hundred feet or so turns up nothing new. These holes are quite deep indeed, perhaps better described at tunnels, you think.
posted by cortex at 6:14 PM on April 1, 2017

"Dragon, what happened to your gold? When did it disappear?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 6:14 PM on April 1, 2017

Ha! A clue! We have to pull aubilenon out of the hole somehow!
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 6:14 PM on April 1, 2017

Upon seeing the mass of adventurers gathered at the dragon cave, I shout out, "Bradnifarx Bros are the reason the Demon Crab of Altiran won the election!"
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

*Suffers trypophobia*
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Oh don't mine me, I'll be fine
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Using my skill of rhyming, I take measure: Dragon, I notice you have no treasure.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

(Check to make sure I still have my banded apron of double posting). "I do" I call to sylvanshine. "And I know how to use it. But I'm a little slow (on preview) goddammit."
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017

🎶 FOE, TELL YOUR TALE OF WOE
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:15 PM on April 1, 2017

I throw a lit torch at Gaz Errant. "Burny wood! Have one!"
posted by fleacircus at 6:16 PM on April 1, 2017

"Sheetrope was my second band name choice," he said, his fedora of torpor askew.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:16 PM on April 1, 2017

"It didn't disappear! It can't just disappear. Gold's not some apparition, to flit in and out, it's solid stuff! It's—"

He catches himself, takes a breath. "I'm sorry, this is all just—look, it didn't vanish. It was taken. I have been robbed, by...them." He nods at the holes. "Or rather those that dug them. The gophermen. Don't know why, never had trouble with them before, but I was showing a property out of town the other week and I came home to...this. They must have dug up from deep below, and stolen it all."

"Not thieves, generally. I don't understand it. But it's left me in financial straits."
posted by cortex at 6:17 PM on April 1, 2017

A rogue medic appears to cast "ball of bile" to force Aubilenon out of the hole.
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. (the ceremonious) at 6:18 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

*rolls velocity check to catch torch*

*is on fire*
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:18 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

The medic also 'dog whispers" the Labradoodles back to health,
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. (the ceremonious) at 6:19 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

🎶 *starts playing "Love Over Gold"*

Wait, you said financial straits.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:20 PM on April 1, 2017

The medic also 'dog whispers" the Labradoodles back to health.
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. (the ceremonious) at 6:20 PM on April 1, 2017

Sylvanshine walks into the cave while the dragon is lamenting and tries to Detect Metal with his Nuanced Scepter.
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 6:20 PM on April 1, 2017

After climbing out of the hole I place a fitted sheet tightly over it to make a trampoline. After ensuring that all the Labradoodles are out of it, of course.
posted by lharmon (the impeccable) at 6:21 PM on April 1, 2017

I respond to the dragon, "Funny, it looks like a cave to me."
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:21 PM on April 1, 2017

I ask the dragon if it could have been Morlock warlocks what stole the gold.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:22 PM on April 1, 2017

this tale is really starting to gopher broke.
posted by enfa (the perfect prince) at 6:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

sylvanshine's scepter dips faintly as it passes over a couple of holes. Hard to say if it's a hand tremor or a positive ID; if it's the latter, the metal is far, far below.

The dragon glares variously at Greg_Ace, Johnny, and enfa.
posted by cortex at 6:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Casts ಠ_ಠ on Greg_Ace.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:23 PM on April 1, 2017

I miss the spell as I stare reflectively at the knife strapped to my belt.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:24 PM on April 1, 2017

I use Chill Vision to look down one of the holes sylvanshine detected over.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:25 PM on April 1, 2017

As Johhny casts Chill Vision, you all see the ghostly image of an extremely laid-back gopherman disappearing down the hole with a handful of gold. He seems hella relaxed.
posted by cortex at 6:27 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I fire up my gopher client and take a look
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:27 PM on April 1, 2017

🎶 LET'S GO!
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:28 PM on April 1, 2017

It's always 4:20 for gopherfolk.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:28 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

With a phenomenal natural Verbosity score of 35 but a Velocity of only 9, Doktor Zed the Moneybags - his capacious yet statuesque frame contained by his mystically sturdy T-Shirt of Holding, his face craftily concealed by a Hangry Ten Gallon Hat of Dishwashery - finally appears on the scene, having been surreptitiously summoned by kimberussell's secret howl of grief, which is known only to those who share the raised by wolves character trait.

Waving his his Screwdriver of Observational Comedy in his dexter hand, he declaims in stentorian tones to the party, "What's the deal with role-playing games?"

I want to apply my Misspelling skill to the next post. What do I have to roll?
posted by Doktor Zed (the moneybags) at 6:29 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

At laest a seven to suceed.
posted by cortex at 6:30 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

*retunes whilst checking to see if any of the party are going to jump down the hole*
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:30 PM on April 1, 2017

*rolls 19*

Excelent! I cast Miasma of Light onb the Goferman!
posted by Doktor Zed (the moneybags) at 6:32 PM on April 1, 2017

Looking around at the party, my sixth sense perceives that (a) nobody wants to jump blindly down a deep hole, and (b) I see dead gophers.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:32 PM on April 1, 2017

The dragon huffs impatiently, clearly a bit emotionally wrung out. "Look, if you're not leasing, I'd appreciate you letting me get on with trying to scrape up some sort of cashflow for the month. You tell Ratt they can have their old rent back when I get my hoard back, and not a minute before. Not that I know how anyone but those blasted gophermen would get a mile underground."
posted by cortex at 6:33 PM on April 1, 2017

I finally notice that I have a companion, a Fair Crow. I ask her nicely to fly down the hole and take a peek.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:33 PM on April 1, 2017

The crow caws hesitantly, but complies. It disappears down the hole, rustle of its descent fading, and...stays disappeared.
posted by cortex at 6:35 PM on April 1, 2017

🎵 OH NO
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:35 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Gah, I wish I hadn't re-rolled away from my character with a magnificent snake companion or whatever it was!
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 6:35 PM on April 1, 2017

I jump down the hole, mentally preparing to cast Wind Tempest to cushion my fall.

*is still on fire*
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:36 PM on April 1, 2017

"Wait, Dragon - you think Ratt had something to do with the gophermen?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 6:36 PM on April 1, 2017

It appears the crow may have had caws to complain about this task after all.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:36 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I call for her: "🎶 Crowcus, come back!" and shoot another ಠ_ಠ at Greg_Ace.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:38 PM on April 1, 2017

"Only if the gophermen are fans of terrible music. I'm sure Ratt had nothing to do with it, but rent goes up as must needs. My problem is the gold, and the gold is all, I presume...", he nods at the holes, "down there. Deep."
posted by cortex at 6:38 PM on April 1, 2017

Gaz falls. And falls. And falls. A minute passes. It is very dark, after the fire goes out.

The crow eventually reappears, dusted with tunnel dirt but otherwise no worse for wear.
posted by cortex at 6:39 PM on April 1, 2017

🎵 "What did you see, my crow-eyed one?"
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:40 PM on April 1, 2017

Gyre places old Jimmy's Chickenshack CD outside of one of the holes...... places box with string tied to a stick over CD
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. (the ceremonious) at 6:42 PM on April 1, 2017

The crow caws disinterestedly; it seems mostly to resent the dull task, flying down a dark tunnel and then back up again.
posted by cortex at 6:42 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm trying to remember what we know about gophermen. Does anyone know anything about their protocols? From what I remember, they tend to sort of ....set things down and just leave them there. I bet if we caught them by surprise they wouldn't be able to respond very nimbly; we could just go down once and take all their stuff.

Maybe we need a bucket with a Falling Tractable Pulley system or something,
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 6:42 PM on April 1, 2017

I realize that I have no way of knowing when to cast my spell in the dark. I panic and begin flailing wildly in the darkness, yelling, " I just wanted to be in the room where it happens!!!"
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:43 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I dust her off with the Sash of Pluck and offer her an eyeball from my feed pouch.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:45 PM on April 1, 2017

Gaz continues to fall; their flailing gets dirt in their face and under their fingernails but slows them very little. They see nothing below or above but darkness.
posted by cortex at 6:45 PM on April 1, 2017

I cast Joke Plasma on my Screwdriver of Observational Comedy to buff its next turn.
posted by Doktor Zed (the moneybags) at 6:46 PM on April 1, 2017

Sylvanshine Whistles a tune similar to the gophermen mating call. "We learned about various species' mating rituals in Farmer school. But they'll never hear me from here, just whistling it."
posted by sylvanshine (the last) at 6:46 PM on April 1, 2017

I've had a dragon as a landlord and it was better than a goblin or troll, but if you can get any place with a gopher for a Resident Manager, gopher it.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 6:48 PM on April 1, 2017

I cast the Silence All of Life spell!
posted by jessamyn (the shockhead) at 6:49 PM on April 1, 2017 [8 favorites]

Hey, does anyone want some pizza?
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 6:49 PM on April 1, 2017

"Say, can anybody cast Light on Crowcus so she can see when she gets to the bottom?"

sotto voce to Crowcus: "You can have any shiny object you find down there and there's more eyeballs where that come from."
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:50 PM on April 1, 2017

The dragon huffs again. "Look, I'm in a poor mood and getting hungry, and I don't mean to be impolite but it might be in your best interests to not continue dillydallying in my cave with all that convenient meat on you."

Far below in the darkness, no more audible to the party than sylvanshine's whistles would be to subterranean gophermen, there is an unheard splat signaling the end of Gaz's vertical outing.
posted by cortex at 6:50 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

CAST SWARM OF CHILDREN!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 6:50 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Silen— *pin drops*
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:51 PM on April 1, 2017

I wish now I'd brought my interminable shaggy dog tail with me, we could have used it to climb down the hole. Or even my protracted punch line.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:51 PM on April 1, 2017

This cave smells funny.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 6:51 PM on April 1, 2017

/me casts Mispronunciation Miasma on the dragon. If I roll a seven, it will convert to be a Draygon.
posted by jenkinsEar (the rash) at 6:51 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

A swarm of children appear, and run off shrieking to play on the whale.
posted by cortex at 6:52 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

*mourns loss of Gaz Errant*

*rolls new character*
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 6:52 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Gyre conjures a yam from the ether in an attempt to assuage the dragon's hunger
posted by Gyre,Gimble,Wabe, Esq. (the ceremonious) at 6:53 PM on April 1, 2017

CHILDREN! CHILDREN! CHILDREN! COME ATTACK THE -- oh, I give up, never mind, if you choke on that whale it's your own problem.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 6:54 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Back at the Requested Pony, the bartender glazes over again just long enough to mutter "not totally sure where I'm going with this", before shuddering and pouring himself a stiff drink.
posted by cortex at 6:54 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Under the extra cover of jessamyn's expertly-timed spell, I silently assassinate patrons at random. Vivaciously.
posted by Amor Bellator (the red) at 6:55 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

My vitality is only 7 and I've been in this lair listening to dragon go on about gold and gophermen for some time. Now here come the threats of violence. I should never have rented from a giant lizard.

I pull out my brittle lute of reconciliation and pluck listlessly. Pizza sounds good. Someone should call. Wasn't there something about a Samsung a while back?
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 6:55 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Several bar patrons are murdered and obliged to reroll. A chorus of "Please Stop the Asshattery" breaks out among some drunkards in a corner booth.
posted by cortex at 6:56 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

(kimberussell shimmers back into the cave after a minor side quest)

Hollers down GOPHER hole: GET! SPACE! SLASH! GOPHERMAN EMISSARY! PARLEY?
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 6:56 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

After a minute of silence, there is a soiled rustling and a gopherman in a cheap suit appears, like an overeager crocus, from the hole kimberussell shouted down. "Yes, hello, what? Are you interested in investing?"
posted by cortex at 6:58 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Cuke's lute and my snowshoes kiss and make up.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 6:58 PM on April 1, 2017

"What's that, dear? No, I can't make dinner now, I'm trying to find dragon gold with a bunch of adventurers from MetaPhiltre." (Charlie Brown grownup noises) "No, really, I'm bus—" *the unmistakable aura of a Spell of Summoning appears around the hapless singer-songwriter and he disappears with a poof*
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 6:59 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

if you are "not totally sure where you're going with this", you are SO not alone.

considering going to either Target or Pismo Beach.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 7:00 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Ooh, yes. As a legitimate business lemur, I'm always interested in a good business proposition, especially from other furry mammals! What are you offering?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 7:03 PM on April 1, 2017

I hear the clams are all-you-can-eat at Pismo Beach, foop. But if you go there, don't forget the crucial left turn somewhere in the middle of New Mexico.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:03 PM on April 1, 2017

I use my Squeaky Hammer of Scrying to get some hint of where all this will lead us.

*squeaky-squeaky-squeaky-squeaky-squeak*

"Guys, I've seen 5 crazy visions of the future, and you're not going to believe #3!"
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:05 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

*looks around cave, notices snake plissken leaning against wall in the corner* hey, snek, I heard you were dead. *notices tab says netflix, not metafilter*
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 7:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

The gopherman turns brightly to ChuraChura. "The best sort of offer: a ground-floor opportunity! Ground floor and then some, really. It's an investment in investment! How would you like to get into the business of making money, in the most literal sense? Be your own bank, be your own mint!"
posted by cortex at 7:06 PM on April 1, 2017

As an aside, I'd just like to point out that the gopher men have a better business model than the underpants gnomes.

1. Steal from dragon.
2. Profit!

So perhaps we should be thinking about investment.
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

(Takes out the corner booth drunkards with her Daggers of Bile, hissing "It's ASS-SASS-INATION, not 'ASS-HAT-TERY'. Hmmph.")
posted by Amor Bellator (the red) at 7:06 PM on April 1, 2017

I had to go pick up some takeout so cortex could keep DM-ing
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:07 PM on April 1, 2017 [11 favorites]

Sounds like we need to go to the pyramids.
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:07 PM on April 1, 2017

thanks honey
posted by cortex at 7:08 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

"Nope, I can't gopher that deal", I say, tossing some Pop Rocks into my mouth.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:08 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"And what are the risks insofar as irritating any large flammable reptiles?"
posted by ChuraChura (the sifaka lemur) at 7:08 PM on April 1, 2017

Thinks hard about the gopher's offer. "What's the risk/benefit analysis?"
posted by lharmon (the impeccable) at 7:10 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm never going to get to play because I can't stop re-rolling to see what else I might end up with!

(Shoulda stuck with the llamas of justice, a million rolls ago....)
posted by tzikeh (the constable prince) at 7:10 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

AUTO-CANNIBALISM IS NOT THE ANSWER

>_
posted by not_on_display (the impeccable) at 7:11 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Adding to ChuraChura's comment, I aver "We don't want to be flaggin' the dragon if we can avoid it."
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:11 PM on April 1, 2017

"Large flammable rep—"

The gopherman peers around, sees the dragon, who is watching this all with a troubling stillness.

"Ah, uh. It's—investment is a, well—unilateral temporary redistributions of, er—"

"Look, here's my card, there's a service entrance to our headquarters near the shore of the Grey River, just south of Blueberg, can't miss it, I—"

He glances at the dragon again, who is coiling as if to pounce.

"Just drop by!" The gopherman disappears in a could of churned dirt.
posted by cortex at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

My parents moved me from Ohio when I was 5, took the wrong turn and ended up in the San Fernando Valley. I finally got within 10 miles of Pismo a few years ago only to discover the clams were endangered but they had a surplus of monarch butterflies. Not being a Venture Brothers fan, I'm spending more time in neighboring Grover Beach with a blue monster.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Also, do you work on commission? What's in this for you?"
posted by lharmon (the impeccable) at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2017

I slip on my appalling raybans of search engine optimization and use my skill in link-farming (seriously) to appeal to the gopherperson's interests. "Interesting, I know someone who recently came into a lot of debt.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:12 PM on April 1, 2017

Ooop, missed 'em.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:13 PM on April 1, 2017

You both speak unwittingly to a gopherman-shaped cloud of dirt lingering in the air before realizing your error.
posted by cortex at 7:13 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Gaz "the new-day" Errant (II) , mayor of Blueberg, attempts to use his derailing skill.
posted by Gaz Errant (the new-day) at 7:14 PM on April 1, 2017

"Just drop by!"

I see what he did there...
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:14 PM on April 1, 2017

I want to kill some things! What do I kill???? How can killing help this situation?
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 7:15 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

"Say, dragon, what's your name? If we're going to go down plot holes together, it would be nice to know what to call you."
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:15 PM on April 1, 2017

Ooh. How silly of me. Heads off, red faced, to fold some more sheets.
posted by lharmon (the impeccable) at 7:15 PM on April 1, 2017

Better draggin' than goblin'.

But would you call that a gone-pher?
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 7:16 PM on April 1, 2017

"Bloody gophermen." The basso rumbling of the dragon stirs you all from the odd burrowing spectacle you'd just witnessed. "Look, you get my gold back from those dirt-digging entrepreneurs, I'll give Ratt their space back and cut you off 3% for recovery. But please get off my property until you've got good news and a few tons of treasure for me."
posted by cortex at 7:16 PM on April 1, 2017

I pull out my Refurbished Tablet of Forbidden Fruit, summoning a map of Blueberg and the Grey River. I am distracted by Ms Pac-Man but not before noticing it's definitely within whale distance.
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:19 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I scoot back out to cuke's pond to watch the children fruitlessly swarming the whale.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:19 PM on April 1, 2017

I think it's time to cast my spell of Equivocation... if haven't accidentally done so already.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 7:19 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

JenkinSear the Rash finds a well-tempered clavier, and starts playing. He's decided it's time to gopher baroque.
posted by jenkinsEar (the rash) at 7:20 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

ALRIGHT, To the Blueberg, or at least the 10% of it that's visible above the surface
posted by aubilenon (the slobberer) at 7:21 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Why don't our titles show up in this thread?
posted by tzikeh (the constable prince) at 7:21 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I head down to the pond too -- anybody got brine fog to spare, before we saddle up Chrysler again?
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 7:21 PM on April 1, 2017

Better dirt-diggers than muck-rakers
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:21 PM on April 1, 2017

Yeah, can I get a lift to the Pony?
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 7:22 PM on April 1, 2017

watch the children fruitlessly swarming the whale.

They do seem to be somewhat porpoiseless.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:23 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

I still need to find my keys.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 7:24 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

The assembled party climbs aboard the whale, swarmed harmlessly by Eyebrow's summoned murmuration of children, and takes flight toward the Grey River, dropping valkane and other interested parties off at The Requested Pony en route. You find at the river a loud LED signboard announcing "Gopherman Disruptions Inc." as the venture responsible for the gated horizontal tunnel boring into the hillside near the shore. The whale lands and you dismount and enter the tunnel.
posted by cortex at 7:24 PM on April 1, 2017

Casts Wind Vision to see the way ahead.
posted by kimberussell (the luxurious) at 7:26 PM on April 1, 2017

I take off my appalling raybans of search engine optimization- it's too dark in here.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:27 PM on April 1, 2017

Check for exploding traps.
posted by jenkinsEar (the rash) at 7:27 PM on April 1, 2017

kimberussell sees no clocks, wound or unwound, ahead.

As you make your way down the tunnel, you hear a scampering noise, and are greeted as you round a bend by a gopherman wearing sunglasses and jorts. "Hey, oh, rad, are you the new investors Tad was talking about?"
posted by cortex at 7:27 PM on April 1, 2017

I hope we don't get lost in a maze of twisty passages.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:28 PM on April 1, 2017

Horizontal tunnels? Are they not thinking about vertical integration?
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:28 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Behind them, in the cave, a melodic song floats in the breeze......

The ballad of snowshoe and lute
As composed by the lute of reconciliation and sung to the snowshoes of reconciliation

Oh snowshoes I have longed for you
For days and months, and years, it's true
I was alone (that Cuke can't play)
Now you and I can go away
To cuddle in snow and strum in rain
We shall not be inanimate again
Reconciliation, that is just a start
Your snowshoe strings have strummed my heart
Your paddle shape fills me with glee
And in this cave I sing to thee
Greg_ace, he will miss you not
Stay here with me, give it a shot
posted by Cuke (the implausible) at 7:29 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

Brine Fog comin' right up! And a Brine Welter and some Brine Arrows too, and I toss in a Dog Blizzard as well because why not.
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 7:30 PM on April 1, 2017

Guys, I've got a bad feeling about these go-bros...
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:31 PM on April 1, 2017

You think he's filming us?!
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:32 PM on April 1, 2017

Chrysler shimmers with delight and WAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAAAHs appreciatively.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 7:32 PM on April 1, 2017

Whatever you do, don't perform any Fistbumps of Financing!!
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:32 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

(With his GoBro camera)
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:32 PM on April 1, 2017

I didn't know he spoke Orca!
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:33 PM on April 1, 2017

The gopherman cocks an ear downtunnel: "oh dope is that the new lute single?"

"Anyway, I'm Jayden, I'm devops though technically I kinda manage onboarding too, and—but anyway, yeah, c'mon in, can't wait for you guys to scope the digs. You're gonna love being part of this. You got any questions, or..."

As he talks, Jayden leads you into a bustling open floorplan office, with gophermen working at pods of desks, making phonecalls on headsets and scrying on telecrystals, shooting nerf crossbows at each other. There's a manic energy in the air, and, in a half-open vault at the far end of the office cavern, a great deal of gold.
posted by cortex at 7:33 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

(Or was that Orc?)
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:34 PM on April 1, 2017

He nods to Quietgal, "yo, bro, dig the brine schtick but not inside, we got health regs."
posted by cortex at 7:34 PM on April 1, 2017

Ooh - I have the bladed bloomers of collateralization!

"Jayden, check out my bloomers - we're heavy Wall Street wizards over here. If you want us to invest you need to show us you're serious."
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 7:35 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Oh gather around as I tell you the tale
of gophers and dragons and piping cold ale
A band made of Ratts and a king on the stairs
And holes in the ground of said dragon's old lairs
We gather together, we sad merry lot
And strumming our banjos we scheme and we plot
And every so often a smock is flung off
A sunglass is shattered, a fedora doffed
And when that goes on and it seems all is lost
Ol' cortex comes out and considers the cost
Of all this tomfoolery, japes and hi jinx
And throws the dice out and says 'follow the links'!"
posted by h00py (the avenger) at 7:36 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

Did someone have that observational comedy skill? I want to ask "What's the deal with that gold?"
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:36 PM on April 1, 2017

"Nice. Nice. You're picking up what I'm putting down, uh—is it LM? LM. Can I call you LMNOP, or is that NOPE? Ha, just funnin'. But yeah, collateral. Investment. Disruption. That's what we're about. That's what's driving us straight to the heart of the, y'know, global currency dialectic."
posted by cortex at 7:37 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

From somewhere out of the shadows I stagger unhappily into view, wrapped in my Duvet of Axiness, to which I cling. Getting my thoughts into line, I say "which one of you has been sleeping with this, and how?"
posted by Songdog (the memorable) at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I use metallurgy skill to examine the gold.

Guys? I think it's fake! The gophermen are running a scam here!!!
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2017

"Also the heart of the Dragon's Den, I'm bound" I mutter under my breath.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:40 PM on April 1, 2017

"Whoa whoa whoa, it's not fake! That's gold! That totally genuine gold! But it's useless! That stuff's no good, it's not really money. I mean, it's not real money. Not real currency. People act like it is but that's the scam."

"You know what real currency is? It's, like, consensus agreement on the value of work done! Money isn't money because you have it, it's money because you worked at it."
posted by cortex at 7:43 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

The coins are round, the krugerands are rounded corners, they oughta call it goldteen!
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 7:44 PM on April 1, 2017

"Like, that's the whole thing right? Seize the means of production, by seizing the production of means, yeah? Hell yeah. So we don't "earn" money here at Gopherman Disruption. We mine it. We dig it out of the earth by digging holes in the earth. And each chain of holes is the currency, right? We mine it, bit by bit."

"Those are your real 'coins'. That's real money. And that's what you can get in on early, while there's still a ton of earth to tunnel through."
posted by cortex at 7:45 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm not falling for his Bit.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [5 favorites]

I groan.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 7:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Bit by bit, huh?
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 7:47 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm dying to use my Leotard of Caring, but honestly, it's a bit of a struggle to get into.
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Man, you are really pushing the envelope through the window of opportunity." I say, faux-admiringly. "How are you curating your cutting-edge passion?"
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

"That's a really good question, bro. A really good question. And you want to talk to Dan in marketing, he can answer that for you, your head'll spin. Great guy, Dan."

"But let's talk turkey. You're investing, yeah? We need to talk exchange of goods, property. How many tunnels are you looking at hosting? We've got a lot of other investors, so I can't really give you a lot of time on this, things are busy, we just got a big buy-in from a dragon, and there's a flock of pegasi buying in later this week, so, y'know..."

He watches you expectantly.
posted by cortex at 7:50 PM on April 1, 2017

Guys, it may be time for a hostile take-over.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 7:53 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Overthinking on a deadline?
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 7:53 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I deputize nubs to sling the marketspeak bafflegab for our band of adventurers. My Serene Shoehorn of Eloquence curls up in a ball and refuses to leave the pocket of my Caring Fishpants.
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 7:54 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

I cast Tornado of Lighting on their foosball table.
posted by Kabanos (the chansonnier) at 7:55 PM on April 1, 2017

From a corner, Corb the Redemptress steps forth from her Fog of Hug, and casts Post Entire Treaty to make the fine print of this currency manipulation visible. "I came to invest, but this is starting to sound like there's too many holes in your business model."
posted by corb (the redemptress) at 7:56 PM on April 1, 2017 [6 favorites]

"So you went on Dragons Den rather than Shark Tank for an initial investment, then? Rad choice, bro, rad choice. But what's the expected ROI for hosting? And how have you solved the negative marketing issue of selling holes in the ground?"
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 7:58 PM on April 1, 2017

~~~ BUT SUDDENLY, A CLOUD OF ADJOURNMENT ROLLS OVER the realm because the Dungeon Moderator is spent and needs to call it for the night.

We can try and press pause on this particular adventure-slash-shaggy-dog-joke, or folks can grab the ball and run with it because I assure you I have basically no additional plot revelations waiting in the wings here (though several more bitcoin and gophermen jokes) and am happy to see folks goof off in whatever direction they like.

In any case, I have had a delightful fucking time doing this with y'all and hope you enjoyed it too. I love riffing in threads with y'all and it's been nice to have an excuse to do so at length tonight.
posted by cortex at 8:00 PM on April 1, 2017 [19 favorites]

I have had a delightful fucking time doing this with y'all

Seconding this. Thanks for DMing josh, and thanks for playing everybody else. You guys are all so impressive.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 8:01 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

By the way, unless one of us has a Bag of Golding, how would we even schlep this hoard back to the dragon? The fact that this stuff weighs a ton is frequently overlooked, someone recently told me.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 8:01 PM on April 1, 2017

It was probably just the friends we made along the way the whole time, anyway, so. Thanks.
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 8:01 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, and hey, I found my keys! They were in my pocket the whole time. Figures, huh?
posted by valkane (the god-like one) at 8:02 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

Thanks cortex and the rest of the team for this wonder April 1 goof. My only regret is that I a down with the Crud and am not sharp enough to either keep up or be really witty tonight. But this was a lot of fun!
posted by nubs (of-the-heads) at 8:02 PM on April 1, 2017

Is that the key takeaway here?
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 8:03 PM on April 1, 2017

Also, if anybody else feels like running their own F&F adventure, however organized or not, I heartily endorse kicking open a new MetaTalk thread and going for it.
posted by cortex at 8:03 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Woo, that was fun! Someone should totally lead another one sometime.
posted by Secretariat (the magnificent) at 8:04 PM on April 1, 2017

That's almost tempting, but I haven't DM'd in 30-mumble years... "Rusty" doesn't begin to cover it.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 8:05 PM on April 1, 2017

And in about six hours frimble will be able to turn on the epithets in new metatalks if you want to have an adventure thread!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 8:06 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

I use chemistry skills to whip up a bunch of fireworks to salute our valiant Dungeon Master and inadvertently set off the Blizzard of Dogs. Oops, sorry y'all.

Thanks for making a really fun long-form gag and running with it, cortex and Team Mod. Maybe we should do this every few months? (Like maybe over the dreaded holiday weekends? There be dragons for slaying, forsooth!)
posted by Quietgal (the fitzempress) at 8:06 PM on April 1, 2017

I think we /need/ more adventure threads. I am so delighted the tags can be turned on in future!
posted by corb (the redemptress) at 8:09 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

*loud poof outside the dragon's den* What did I miss, guys?




Guys?
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 8:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Anybody who's still hanging out, we could head back down to the tavern and sing songs and cast banjos all night.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 8:12 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

OK, I'm back! Are there any fonts I can identify?!
posted by gamera (the seer) at 8:15 PM on April 1, 2017

Head back to the tavern and cast banjos.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (the law-mender) at 8:18 PM on April 1, 2017

Oh, hey- it turns out we were all in the cabal all along!
posted by TheWhiteSkull (the aetheling) at 8:18 PM on April 1, 2017 [4 favorites]

*loud poof outside the dragon's den*

...as opposed to a loud foop inside the dragon's den ?
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 8:28 PM on April 1, 2017

I generally cast banjos as far as I possibly can.
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 8:37 PM on April 1, 2017

Haha! I use my skills of Hamilton-Quoting!

And when my prayers to God were met with indifference, I picked up a pen, I wrote my own deliverance!

posted by Nanukthedog (the aetheling) at 9:00 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

*glares*
posted by jaduncan (the caulker) at 9:58 PM on April 1, 2017

I'm sorry I didn't play (other than one comment earlier), rest assured that the thing I was working on instead will be something all of you should really like when it's done in a few months.

This also made me nostalgic for the MeFi Call of Cthulhu adventure we had a few years ago. Sigh.
posted by JHarris (the astrologer) at 10:03 PM on April 1, 2017 [1 favorite]

HEY! WHERE ARE THE cheetos ARTISENAL STILTON BREADSTICKS?
posted by not_on_display (the impeccable) at 10:58 PM on April 1, 2017 [2 favorites]

Wait! Wait! Okay, okay, I've spent all day thinking about my hat, and I think I'm going to sell this Plate of Beans Hat and use the faves for buying a Blue Bonnet instead.

Now I'm ready for adventure!

...where is everyone? gah where the hell did all these banj
posted by byanyothername (the greyfell) at 11:47 PM on April 1, 2017 [3 favorites]

Emerges from dark hole tunnel to/from EUtopia, casts severest Side Eye on buttcoin bitmining gopherbros. There, that oughtta hold 'em for a while. Passes banana of mortification to byanyothername. Here, cover them with this. If anyone so much as twitches, peel a move!
posted by taz (the little impaler) at 1:58 AM on April 2, 2017

Loving this because my class is Lurker which I mostly am. And the crouton petting skill which I had been been hoping and re-rolling for lol.
posted by moody cow (the slit-nosed) at 6:47 AM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

*glares*

Hey glaring is my skill!

along with poetry and link-farming
posted by jessamyn (the shockhead) at 7:14 AM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

I pick a teacup up off of a table, balance it on my head and moonwalk out of the room.
posted by Elly Vortex (the peculiar) at 7:37 AM on April 2, 2017

*casts Chill Vision on Jessamyn the Exile, wonders how many times she re-rolled to get that title*
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 9:31 AM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Buttcoin, lol.
posted by LobsterMitten (the sailor king) at 10:49 AM on April 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

*casts Chill Vision on Jessamyn the Exile, wonders how many times she re-rolled to get that title*

*wonders how many Vermont libraries a diligent hyena will wait outside of before it gives up on following Jessamyn*
posted by deludingmyself (the new-day) at 10:57 AM on April 2, 2017

Hey, thanks for the titles, frimble!
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 11:17 AM on April 2, 2017

*wonders how many times she re-rolled to get that title*

You can REROLL?

I just assumed my character was pre-loaded or something. I mean "found in a library"? C'mon....
posted by jessamyn (the shockhead) at 3:18 PM on April 2, 2017 [6 favorites]

~~trembles~~
posted by matthewfells (the trembler) at 4:55 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

You'd think the catherding skill would make a difference with my cats, but no, they still don't care.
posted by mollweide (the hunter) at 7:37 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

jessamyn: I just assumed my character was pre-loaded or something

If your class had been Justice of Peace instead of Mayor I would have said yes.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 7:51 PM on April 2, 2017

Well, this'll teach me to go camping outside over a weekend.
posted by middleclasstool (the insidious) at 8:10 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Outside?" Is that like the Big Room?
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 8:31 PM on April 2, 2017

I cast Request Pony with the specific request that the character links be preserved forever.
posted by kenko (the bloodthirsty) at 9:36 PM on April 2, 2017 [3 favorites]

I'm celebrating tonight, after literally summoning - and then herding - a cat this afternoon.
posted by spinifex23 (the trembler) at 10:01 PM on April 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

I just assumed my character was pre-loaded or something. I mean "found in a library"? C'mon....

Nope. I didn't have the time, at all, to set up loaded dice for anyone. That you got that character basically means that the random number generator knew what it was doing.

...Which is a bit worrisome, because a life goal of mine is to avoid creating artificial intelligences trying desperately to understand the world around them, and especially to try to avoid putting them on the open internet. Oh well, at least this one is learning about mefites. It could be so very much worse.
posted by frimble (the hootenannyer) at 2:32 AM on April 3, 2017 [11 favorites]

I just assumed my character was pre-loaded or something. I mean "found in a library"? C'mon....
posted by jessamyn (the exile) at 11:18 PM on April 2 [2 favorites +] [!]

One concurs with your assessment (and also conjugates that 'exile' is a somewhat stark identifier for a retired moderator), despite the protestations and declarations of innocent randomness from frimbliekins. As further evidence of the devious machinations of the system, the inventory one was presented with caused much side-eyeing...
posted by Wordshore at 2:49 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'll side-eye Wordshore's side of cheese anytime.
posted by spamandkimchi (the impeccable) at 4:58 AM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't know. I'm pretty sure mine's right.
posted by Etrigan (the god-like one) at 7:35 AM on April 3, 2017

You'd think the catherding skill would make a difference with my cats, but no, they still don't care.

Oh.. I misread my sheet. I thought I was skilled in cathertering.
That's definitely an improvement.
posted by Just this guy, y'know (the god-like one) at 8:00 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

a life goal of mine is to avoid creating artificial intelligences trying desperately to understand the world around them, and especially to try to avoid putting them on the open internet. Oh well, at least this one is learning about mefites. It could be so very much worse.

Now I'll be worried about every mod comment/update, wondering if it's coming from cortex or "cortex"...
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 9:30 AM on April 3, 2017 [1 favorite]

It's not cortex's comments that have been suspicious to me for a long time, it's Eyebrows'. Seriously, "Peoria"?!?

Still, granting me the spells "Tempest Of Deletion" and "Make Terrible Pun" are almost too on-the-nosey (and after I rejected a spell of "This will wendell").
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 11:15 AM on April 3, 2017

But you are indeed magnificent, so they got that right :)
posted by spinifex23 (the trembler) at 11:37 AM on April 3, 2017

I never denied that, and I know something you can take for that trembling.
posted by oneswellfoop (the magnificent) at 11:55 AM on April 3, 2017

I just want to see my title.
posted by Miko (the candid) at 1:20 PM on April 3, 2017

My skills are derailing and flagging. Hang on to your butts.
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit (the tough) at 1:38 PM on April 3, 2017

that is very clever but please stop flagging everything
posted by cortex at 1:40 PM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Oh, like you can expect cats - especially 80 tough ones - to follow orders...
posted by Greg_Ace (the unavoidable) at 3:42 PM on April 3, 2017

I use my derailing skill to ask 80 Cats whether the 80 cats are individually tough or become tough as a dog-shaped collective.
posted by knuckle tattoos (the well-beloved) at 4:37 PM on April 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

My spells include Perfume Tornado and Miasma of Wind. Mrs. Lobster agrees in general, though she disagrees with the positive connotation of "Perfume" when it comes to my particular efforts. And she would know. I do cast these. A lot.
posted by Hairy Lobster (the farmer) at 5:35 PM on April 3, 2017

I survey the situation and adjust my cuirass.
posted by booksherpa (the edifier) at 7:34 PM on April 3, 2017

I read the bulletin board to discern whether there are any Quests recruiting.
Help me recall the name of a book I read in childhood...Doesn't ring a bell.
Name my cat declawing business.....No.
posted by Miko (the candid) at 7:48 PM on April 3, 2017 [4 favorites]

I go looking for a cat to pet ominously and some allergy medicine
posted by middleclasstool (the insidious) at 5:29 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I've got a locally-sourced kimono and a rusty harpoon, and I can cast Raise Eyebrows. Let's do this.
posted by Old Kentucky Shark (the troubadour) at 9:38 AM on April 4, 2017

Did she die again?! I keep telling her that Troll Daemon is an Annoyance spell, not a Summoning.
posted by Johnny Wallflower (the hairy-footed) at 7:10 PM on April 4, 2017

I have strange dreams of a volcano lair...
posted by exceptinsects (the rewritten) at 12:11 PM on April 5, 2017

I use the hem of my delightful hula skirt to clean the lenses of my indignant eyeglasses of common cause, before perching them abreast my nose.

"The passions of a revolution are apt to hurry even good men into excesses," I say to nobody, "So while pureed chipotles in adobo may indeed inflame our spirits, when we consider the beautiful potential it offers as a replacement for tomato reduction as a pizza sauce, we should be careful not to get too many seeds into the mix, as they can be bitter upon the tongue, and lodge themselves betwixt our tooths."
posted by turbid dahlia (the priest-hater) at 8:47 PM on April 5, 2017

Those of us who were raised by wolves paw the earth, sniff the ground, raise our faces to the moon and AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
posted by mochapickle (the book-lover) at 12:45 AM on April 6, 2017 [1 favorite]

Behold! OrangeDisk the Warlike is here to take a walk to the dog wall while reading between the lines.
posted by OrangeDisk (the warlike) at 11:15 AM on April 7, 2017

Realizing we have to read between the lines too, causes a split in the chronosylastic infindibulum, leaving my faulty interpreter to buzzzzt!
posted by Oyéah (the sifaka lemur) at 10:24 PM on April 9, 2017

>>***INVENTORY***
>> (...)
>>1 immaculate sandwich of cryptoanarchy

I'm already liking this stuff
posted by andycyca (the bloodthirsty) at 10:32 PM on April 9, 2017 [1 favorite]