Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter? February 2, 2017 3:28 PM Subscribe
Etiquette question. I was sure - but am now thinking I was mistaken - that one was required to exercise a degree of caution or decorum for how masturbation was mentioned and/or described in posts on the blue. Why, I don't know or can't remember. Ergo, I skipped daintily around the word in a recent post, but a subsequent blunt comment didn't elicit any adverse reactions. Searches across both MetaTalk and the blue don't turn up contentious vexations, so was I mistaken and it's okay to mention masturbation in any broad manner and context, or not?
Previously:
- Hang On To Yourself.
Other:
- 101 words/phrases meaning to masturbate .
- 50 Great Names for Masturbation.
- 50 Great Names for Female Masturbation.
- Masturbation Terms Of The Day.
- How Many Of These Euphemisms For Male Masturbation Have You Heard?
- Words for masturbation.
- 84 terms for female masturbation.
- 51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation.
Previously:
- Hang On To Yourself.
Other:
- 101 words/phrases meaning to masturbate .
- 50 Great Names for Masturbation.
- 50 Great Names for Female Masturbation.
- Masturbation Terms Of The Day.
- How Many Of These Euphemisms For Male Masturbation Have You Heard?
- Words for masturbation.
- 84 terms for female masturbation.
- 51 Christian Friendly Words for Male Masturbation.
I'm not sure there is an official ruling on this matter. Best to exercise one's god-given discretion in all things, I think.
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:33 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 3:33 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Generally it's best if you are aware that people are often browsing at work,
Maybe those people could try being aware of that themselves.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:11 PM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
Maybe those people could try being aware of that themselves.
posted by Sys Rq at 4:11 PM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
'Exercising one's god-given discretion' kind of makes for a good euphemism.
posted by carter at 4:39 PM on February 2, 2017 [65 favorites]
posted by carter at 4:39 PM on February 2, 2017 [65 favorites]
Generally it's best if you are aware that people are often browsing at work,
Maybe those people could try being aware of that themselves.
It's not an either/or thing.
posted by Stewriffic at 4:50 PM on February 2, 2017 [16 favorites]
Maybe those people could try being aware of that themselves.
It's not an either/or thing.
posted by Stewriffic at 4:50 PM on February 2, 2017 [16 favorites]
It's not an either/or thing.
Yeah. When I browse MeFi at work (on a break, of course) I avoid clicking through on anything that seems likely to be NSFW. Since most posters tend to be thoughtful about indicating when they're linking to something like that, it works. But if there's no indication that there's NSFW content about to appear and it's just suddenly there, there's not much I can do.
posted by Lexica at 5:22 PM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yeah. When I browse MeFi at work (on a break, of course) I avoid clicking through on anything that seems likely to be NSFW. Since most posters tend to be thoughtful about indicating when they're linking to something like that, it works. But if there's no indication that there's NSFW content about to appear and it's just suddenly there, there's not much I can do.
posted by Lexica at 5:22 PM on February 2, 2017 [5 favorites]
It is not only okay to mention it in any context, but encouraged! Try to work it in to as many comments as possible.
posted by Justinian at 5:38 PM on February 2, 2017 [22 favorites]
posted by Justinian at 5:38 PM on February 2, 2017 [22 favorites]
Wait, you're not sure if the word "masturbation" is allowed on Metafilter, but you're confident it's OK to use the tag "MetaWank"?
posted by John Cohen at 5:42 PM on February 2, 2017 [15 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 5:42 PM on February 2, 2017 [15 favorites]
Please make your answers longer and more detailed. Also, more descriptive or what your characters are doing and wearing. My squicks are Furries and any Frodo/Snape stuff.
I'm exercising my my god-given discretion right now.
p.s. Who am I kidding, Frodo/Snape stuff is fine.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:54 PM on February 2, 2017 [19 favorites]
I'm exercising my my god-given discretion right now.
p.s. Who am I kidding, Frodo/Snape stuff is fine.
posted by cjorgensen at 5:54 PM on February 2, 2017 [19 favorites]
I'll be in my bunk
posted by grobstein at 5:56 PM on February 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by grobstein at 5:56 PM on February 2, 2017 [14 favorites]
masturbation in any broad manner
Braggart
posted by griphus at 6:17 PM on February 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Braggart
posted by griphus at 6:17 PM on February 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
one was required to exercise a degree of caution or decorum for how masturbation was mentioned and/or described in posts on the blue.
Every so often someone would post something textually explicit above the fold on MeFi and someone else would complain. Not sure how to even Google for it. I think the example you may be thinking of was in AskMe if memory serves me. So just like a few other things (explicit violence, rape discussion, pet abuse) mods ask people to try to be mindful. The one thing that, historically, mods were a bit more sympathetic to was words showing up in the URLs that might set off someone's work filter. Again, you browse at work, you take your chances, but that was a concern people had that got a little more traction
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:59 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Every so often someone would post something textually explicit above the fold on MeFi and someone else would complain. Not sure how to even Google for it. I think the example you may be thinking of was in AskMe if memory serves me. So just like a few other things (explicit violence, rape discussion, pet abuse) mods ask people to try to be mindful. The one thing that, historically, mods were a bit more sympathetic to was words showing up in the URLs that might set off someone's work filter. Again, you browse at work, you take your chances, but that was a concern people had that got a little more traction
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 6:59 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
Some would consider this thread, mental masturbation.
posted by AugustWest at 7:10 PM on February 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 7:10 PM on February 2, 2017 [1 favorite]
It puts the lotion in the basket.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:30 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Yuck at 7:30 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Jill jacked off Jack
And Jack jilled off Jill
Then they checked Tumblr
posted by Rhomboid at 9:27 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Jill jacked off Jack
And Jack jilled off Jill
Then they checked Tumblr
posted by Rhomboid at 9:27 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
One simple rule: just keep it classy, you tossers.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:43 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:43 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]
Johnny Wallflower: "One simple rule: just keep it classy, you tossers."
Bloody wanker.
posted by Samizdata at 10:32 PM on February 2, 2017
Bloody wanker.
posted by Samizdata at 10:32 PM on February 2, 2017
Bloody wanker.
I think you might be doing it wrong.
posted by madmethods at 11:06 PM on February 2, 2017 [33 favorites]
I think you might be doing it wrong.
posted by madmethods at 11:06 PM on February 2, 2017 [33 favorites]
we had a thread where people angrily defended the right of a man to saw off his dick, cook it, and serve it to paying guests. in response i will talk about jerkin it for 10,000 years and feel no shame.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:09 PM on February 2, 2017 [22 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 11:09 PM on February 2, 2017 [22 favorites]
Is it inappropriate for me to be masturbating right now?
because I'm not
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:16 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
because I'm not
posted by Joseph Gurl at 11:16 PM on February 2, 2017 [2 favorites]
i will talk about jerkin it for 10,000 years and feel no shame.
Ooh, I know that quote, but can't think of who...It's not Lincoln, is it?
posted by bongo_x at 11:30 PM on February 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Ooh, I know that quote, but can't think of who...It's not Lincoln, is it?
posted by bongo_x at 11:30 PM on February 2, 2017 [7 favorites]
Ergo, I skipped daintily around the word in a recent post
"Ergo, I skipped daintily" is a great euphemism too
posted by naju at 12:05 AM on February 3, 2017 [15 favorites]
"Ergo, I skipped daintily" is a great euphemism too
posted by naju at 12:05 AM on February 3, 2017 [15 favorites]
Ooh, I know that quote, but can't think of who...It's not Lincoln, is it?
aquinas, summa contra gentiles
posted by poffin boffin at 1:13 AM on February 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
aquinas, summa contra gentiles
posted by poffin boffin at 1:13 AM on February 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
All these replies and no one makes a joke about typing one-handed? Boo, MetaFilter! Do you hear that? That's me booing you.
posted by Mr. Fig at 5:53 AM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr. Fig at 5:53 AM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I dicktate my metafiles posts using Siri. That way I can use two hands. It works fairly well.
Siri, correct the spelling of dicktate in the above sentence, please. Also, it's metafilter, not metafiles. Correct that as well, and then
Post.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:19 AM on February 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
Siri, correct the spelling of dicktate in the above sentence, please. Also, it's metafilter, not metafiles. Correct that as well, and then
Post.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:19 AM on February 3, 2017 [7 favorites]
Wait, you're not sure if the word "masturbation" is allowed on Metafilter, but you're confident it's OK to use the tag "MetaWank"?
Well, this is MetaTalk. Fewer restrictions; a little looser. No holds barred, you might say. So no death grip on the tags, and whatever is needed to stimulate the conversation.
posted by nubs at 7:36 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Well, this is MetaTalk. Fewer restrictions; a little looser. No holds barred, you might say. So no death grip on the tags, and whatever is needed to stimulate the conversation.
posted by nubs at 7:36 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Other possible euphemisms from this thread:
exercise a degree of caution
move stuff below the fold
consult with the OP
linking to something
serve it to paying guests
feel no shame
death grip on the tags
posted by Rock Steady at 7:41 AM on February 3, 2017 [14 favorites]
exercise a degree of caution
move stuff below the fold
consult with the OP
linking to something
serve it to paying guests
feel no shame
death grip on the tags
posted by Rock Steady at 7:41 AM on February 3, 2017 [14 favorites]
I'll just discreetly point to my user name and sneak out of the room...
posted by ipsative at 7:51 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ipsative at 7:51 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Every single response so far has been a euphemism, right?
posted by yhbc at 9:32 AM on February 3, 2017
posted by yhbc at 9:32 AM on February 3, 2017
Also, it's language like phunniemee posted up there that make me really miss elizardbits.
posted by yhbc at 9:34 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by yhbc at 9:34 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
this is so funny! I was trying to find a comment last night that I remembered was in some thread tangentially related to masturbation* and I had a long moment of hesitation before typing "MASTURBATION" into the metafilter search box, wondering if it would go in my permanent dossier, forever after eliciting an eye roll and a headshake from the mods whenever I drew their baleful gaze upon myself
in the end I searched "METAFILTER MASTURBATION" on google, because google already knows I'm a creep
*it was the Pornhub year end data thread and I was trying to see if the Heart video mentioned there was the one they were spoofing on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
in the end I searched "METAFILTER MASTURBATION" on google, because google already knows I'm a creep
*it was the Pornhub year end data thread and I was trying to see if the Heart video mentioned there was the one they were spoofing on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:46 AM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
I'm gonna use "email the moderators", going forward
posted by thelonius at 9:51 AM on February 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by thelonius at 9:51 AM on February 3, 2017 [8 favorites]
Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter?
So glad you just mean use of the word or discussion of the concept. I was worreid this thread was going to be a lot different.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
So glad you just mean use of the word or discussion of the concept. I was worreid this thread was going to be a lot different.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:01 AM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
I think you meant hoping!
posted by cjorgensen at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by cjorgensen at 10:33 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
*it was the Pornhub year end data thread and I was trying to see if the Heart video mentioned there was the one they were spoofing on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Um... the... um... Heart video comment was mine. Is there a... um... redone version of it? Asking for a friend.
posted by bondcliff at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2017
Um... the... um... Heart video comment was mine. Is there a... um... redone version of it? Asking for a friend.
posted by bondcliff at 10:46 AM on February 3, 2017
Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter?
FWIW, I've never seen any instances of it at meetups.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
FWIW, I've never seen any instances of it at meetups.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:52 AM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
oh, uh, hey bondcliff
on review I determined that the similarities were generic to the 80s and not specific to that video, but here's the CE-G song
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
on review I determined that the similarities were generic to the 80s and not specific to that video, but here's the CE-G song
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:02 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
summa contra gentiles
I had roommates all throughout college. I graduated summa cum quiet.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I had roommates all throughout college. I graduated summa cum quiet.
posted by uncleozzy at 11:05 AM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, it's language like phunniemee posted up there that make me really miss elizardbits.
bonjour
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 AM on February 3, 2017 [56 favorites]
bonjour
posted by poffin boffin at 11:57 AM on February 3, 2017 [56 favorites]
this is so funny! I was trying to find a comment last night that I remembered was in some thread tangentially related to masturbation*
[snip]
*it was the Pornhub year end data thread
Pornhub is tangential? I'd hate to think what you would considermutual parallel to masturbation.
posted by phearlez at 11:58 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
[snip]
*it was the Pornhub year end data thread
Pornhub is tangential? I'd hate to think what you would consider
posted by phearlez at 11:58 AM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
yeah it was mentioned to me a couple times already thank goodness for memail
posted by yhbc at 12:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by yhbc at 12:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Money Shot
quidnunc kid's entry into the 2017 MetaFilter "Most Disgusting Comment Ever Written" awards.
Derwent Pencil was 12 or 13 years old when he taught himself to masturbate, and with that pubescent epiphany came the first evidence that his ejaculate was not, as with the vast majority of menfolk, a pungent colloid of fructose, fatty acids and prostaglandin, but was instead composed of 100% pure wonga, argent, coin; which is to say, pence, legal tender, a.k.a. money.
He had almost achieved his fiduciary revelation some time earlier, when, in the relative privacy of his bedroom, he had rubbed himself vigorously against his pillow; thence a unbearable spasm began to well up in his groin until, with mild astonishment, he ceased his stimulations and wondered if he was about to piss himself.
Further reflection over a period of two days three nights found him reasonably confident in the speculation that he had almost achieved that fabled beast, orgasm; a creature renown in schoolyard song and banter. Thus, armed with the curiosity of those whose first pubic hairs are sprouting, he took up arms against his inexperience and, on the Tuesday night firstmentioned, between 9.37 and 9.42 p.m., continued his fight to the finish. It was only as he sighed contentedly in a relief of endorphins and sweat that he discovered that his underpants were full of small change totalling 67 pence exactly.
Of course, Master Pencil did not immediately conclude that his ejaculate consisted wholly of bronze and silver coins. Far from it. He thought (naturally enough) that some pocket monies had fallen out of their eponymous enclosure, perhaps in the tumult of undressing; and he, too distracted by his scientific enquiries, had failed to notice their migration to his under-cloth domain.
He did not in fact come to the correct conclusion until he had repeated his new procedure a total of nine times. By then the mounting evidence was inescapable and totalled over seven pounds, with which he celebrated at the school tuck-shop via the purchase of one hot-dog, three packets of crisps and some lemonade. Joyfully, he had discovered his sexuality and a regular income stream at the same time, and nothing in that combination seemed to him to be in the slightest extent unusual.
I should at this stage provide some further detail about the manifestation of this singularly profitable phenomenon. I do not wish you to be laboured with the false idea that young Derwent's scrotum was forging, deep within its twin testicular domes, actual money, in the form of brass and nickel pieces of low individual value. No indeed. Should you have been present at one of the multitudinous occasions in which our protagonist beat his meat, you would have noticed (prior to the very instant of ejaculation) nothing untoward about the operation. No unnatural, coin-shaped bulges would you have seen straining against the post-childish shaft. If you had X-rayed the boy's testicles while he performed his duty, no metallic elements would have reflected the energetic rays back to their source, spoiling the grey-white photograph. It seemed as if his seminary production was entirely normal from ball-sack to bell-end, save that when the vital liquid emerged from its labyrinthine travels to the fresh air of the teenage night it transmogrified, by some process we know not, into two, five and ten pence pieces, marked with various years of mintage. Queen's heads in perfect and stylised profile dripped and spurted in metal circles from the lad's cock; oh, they smelled slightly of sperm, it's true, but in every other respect they were indistinguishable from those stamped out in HM's Royal Mint with greater effort and far less pleasure.
In fact, Derwent was not cognisant of how bizarre was the nature of his glandular secretions until a whole year later, when a conversation with his school chum Toby Smyth alerted him to that fact that human spunk was, normally, a liquid white substance that could not, under any but the most outrageously immoral circumstances, be exchanged at the corner store for sweets.
Thus Derwent was thrown into doubt, and he took himself to the local library to furtively investigate the written authorities on all matters sexual. After consulting weighty tomes of biological lore, his pre-existing rapture ( i.e. that he would never, ever be short of lunch money when he truly needed it) was replaced by a horrible and profound dread (i.e. that he was an abominable and impure freak).
He soon realised that he could never have sex in the normal manner: the idea of ejaculating raw ounces of metal coinage into even the most understanding of partners was simply unthinkable, and he was far too shy to let anyone else in on his secret. Yet this is not to say he would never have sexual encounters after his own fashion.
From the ages of sixteen and three-eighths and seventeen and two-fifths he became expert in dry-humping one or two friends at college, in the now basement-bedroom at his parents house - but he always excused himself with conscientious rapidity after his cloth-impeded climax, and deposited his winnings in a coin-jar kept in the en-suite bathroom specifically for this purpose. Afterwards, he would purchase his paramour the most expensive dial-a-pizza, bolstering her appreciation for his chivalry after the intimate joust.
When, however, one of his young associates convinced him that they should progress in their irregular entertainments from a garbed state to the entirely skin-bare, he panicked and prematurely concussed her with an unseemly explosion of one-hundred and twenty-seven 50 pence pieces to the head. After that (the girl was relatively unharmed and, fortunately, remembered nothing) he swore off bilateral consummation and returned to his solitary studies.
From that moment unto the age of nineteen-and-one-third he attempted to practice the most ascetic self-denials, with limited success. His record for abjuration was three and one quarter months, after which he accidentally frottaged himself against a sofa while watching a Catherine Deneuve movie on the television. This resulted in the production of five mint-condition £50 notes and seventy-seven pound coins commemorating the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer. A double celebration for both he and the Royal couple, with, it must be said, a similar ratio of profit to regret.
Between 20 years-old and 24, Derwent charted his growing virility in purely monetary terms, and his average ejaculate rose throughout this period from a value of £9.24 to a whopping £7,206.39. Obviously, this latter quanta of cash had the ability to burst the undergarments of the unprepared, and D. took to sleeping in the most copious pyjama bottoms - which were extremely large indeed. As he was neither a tall nor corpulent young man, the high-street tailors at "Big Fellas" were simultaneously perplexed and delighted by his repeated custom; he also purchased a total of three king-sized beds in succession, the latter specifically reinforced. I hope you will not think our hero gauche in any degree when I mention that, throughout this time of unprecedented financial growth, he also took to detailing his increasing returns on a spreadsheet; from which he created various graphs demonstrating his inherent superiority to the FTSE250, the Nikkei Index and Standard and Poor's 500 (and that with a self-awarded credit rating of quadruple-A).
His most profitable spasm of cum in these years was produced on a celebratory holiday for his 26th birthday, when £39,822.06 pulsed like a Vesuvius out of his twitching dick and collapsed both a double bed and bed-side table in a hotel room in Antwerp. The wreck of furniture and his lack of Flemish upon that occasion almost necessitated the involvement of the local constabulary, but there are, in fact, only a few silences that money cannot purchase in a good hotel, and although the room reeked of metallic jism for the next two-and-a-half months, the owners were the models of self-satisfied discretion.
While undertaking university studies, he made the mistake of enrolling in courses of physics and economics. After one student party at his digs (at which he smoked his first cigarette of marijuana) he became obsessed by the paranoia that for every action there was an equal and opposite reaction - a suspicion reinforced by an over-sensitivity to the laws of supply and demand. He then discovered (after a visit to the toilet) that he has shat out an electricity bill for £234 exactly. Good Christ! Was it the case that - all his life - his cock had been writing credit notes that his asshole could not reconcile? As it turned out, this domestic invoice had been previously deposited in that same bowl by one of his housemates, disgusted at his own profligate energy consumption and the consequences of deregulated corporate power on the student underclass. Nevertheless, for the next five weeks Derwent examined each of his own turds with an anxious countenance and a meticulous spoon. Eventually the mistake was uncovered when a final demand for the same amount arrived via the post, and Derwent celebrated by paying the bill himself on behalf of his flatmates, and, later that night, jerking off in the back garden, for a net profit of £5.60.
After University, and as he left behind the blissful morning of his youth, there began a slow-growing dread that, one day, his reserves of rich sap would dry up. The first malformed inkling of this doubt was the concern that he might, suddenly, begin spurting out not legal tender but counterfeit pieces, pseudo-money. For a whole year he subjected every speck of his product to analysis; at first just assuring himself that the notes carried the correct watermarks and holograms and that the coins were of the typical weight. Later this research took on maniacal characteristics: he began to take a record of the serial number of every note and the year of each coin, these he arranged in complex tables, searching, in vain, for some pattern among the random digits.
Obviously he could not now hold down any contract of employment - and yet he was still a producer of wealth. This led him into a new pathology: he was convinced that his bank manager would suspect that he was supporting himself through immoral activities. He began to open and close bank accounts regularly to avoid the possibility of detection.. Later realizing that this might of itself raise eyebrows, he decided to open an account in Switzerland. With the comfort of that country's anonymous regulations his fears temporarily receded, and he took to flaunting his secret in subtle ways - whenever a piece of official paperwork called for him to inscribe his occupation, he wrote the word "wanker". His passport bears that legend to this day. And, if any immigration official became offended or challenged him at this, he passionately insisted that it was the result of a typographical error by his Consulate, and that his employers at the Royal Bank of Scotland were currently briefing lawyers on his behalf to pursue a correction and apology through the courts.
But soon his neuroses returned in new forms. He became obsessed by a particular dream: the provenance of his wealth was discovered, and he was hunted down and kidnapped by organised criminals - gangs of Mafiosi kept him chained to their communal vat, and forced him at knife-point to masturbate continually for their profit. In the more frightening versions of this nightmare the mobsters, cruel and fat, put aside the stiletto and took matters into their own hands.
This fear of discovery was his most deep-seated and justified paranoia. As an adult, he scrupulously avoided any form of Doctor's inspection with perverse determination; he distrusted implicitly every biological scientist he met - imagining their gleaming scalpels poised to dissect his intimate organs, as they salivated over the possibility of a Nobel Prize. And never was a fellow so afflicted by such a profound castration anxiety as our hero! He took to wearing a cricketer's box on all but the most innocuous occasions, and severely limited his participation in sports such as rugby (union and league), Greco-Roman wrestling, and bicycling (in all its permutations). Similarly - to insulate himself from the vagaries of temperature - in the chilled chasms of winter he would wear two pairs of undergarments, at summer's peak he clothed his privates in gossamer and silken briefs.
At the age of forty he finally began to lose his ardent profitability. A man who had masturbated daily for twenty-seven years, he began to regard the activity as more and more of a chore. His activities dwindled to once every week, then once a fortnight; the results he referred to as his "pensioner's cheque". And while he had amassed a small fortune from the golden days of his career, he was more and more obsessed that he would end his life in poverty - that his pool of wealth would dry up and congeal into a faded stain on his memory.
His last adventure was to experiment with Viagra, in order to replenish his sexual interest - alas, that drug only fabricates the symptoms of excitement, it cannot replicate the true fire of the disease. Nevertheless, it was with this substance that he ended his days, alone at his craft as always, flat on his back, naked on his bed, with one last supreme effort of pulling and slapping his aching penis for an hour or more, groaning and grunting with increasing hatred and rage at his uncouth state, mauling himself in an effort to achieve his payday, and, ultimately, on the very cusp of exhaustion, he ejaculated one hundred and ten thousand, four hundred and twenty-six gold sovereigns (market value £7,729,820) which exploded from his groin like a burst of fireworks, described a languorous upwards curve through the foetid bedroom air, hung for a golden instant like a private constellation - and then fell, down in an endless, heavy rain on his head and chest, beating him to death with their insistent and elemental weight.
Such was the tragic history of Derwent Pencil, whose man-juice was more financially potent and more fatal than that of any other human male who has ever been, or ever will be. Should you wish to search for a moral in the corpse of his woe, discover, I pray, only an encouraged appreciation for the more usual secretions of humankind, male and female: substances ignored by literature and all the muses, and yet whose simplicity, whose latent charms, are too-oft dismissed by the thoughtless and the ungracious.
The end.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 12:41 PM on February 3, 2017 [72 favorites]
quidnunc kid's entry into the 2017 MetaFilter "Most Disgusting Comment Ever Written" awards.
Derwent Pencil was 12 or 13 years old when he taught himself to masturbate, and with that pubescent epiphany came the first evidence that his ejaculate was not, as with the vast majority of menfolk, a pungent colloid of fructose, fatty acids and prostaglandin, but was instead composed of 100% pure wonga, argent, coin; which is to say, pence, legal tender, a.k.a. money.
He had almost achieved his fiduciary revelation some time earlier, when, in the relative privacy of his bedroom, he had rubbed himself vigorously against his pillow; thence a unbearable spasm began to well up in his groin until, with mild astonishment, he ceased his stimulations and wondered if he was about to piss himself.
Further reflection over a period of two days three nights found him reasonably confident in the speculation that he had almost achieved that fabled beast, orgasm; a creature renown in schoolyard song and banter. Thus, armed with the curiosity of those whose first pubic hairs are sprouting, he took up arms against his inexperience and, on the Tuesday night firstmentioned, between 9.37 and 9.42 p.m., continued his fight to the finish. It was only as he sighed contentedly in a relief of endorphins and sweat that he discovered that his underpants were full of small change totalling 67 pence exactly.
Of course, Master Pencil did not immediately conclude that his ejaculate consisted wholly of bronze and silver coins. Far from it. He thought (naturally enough) that some pocket monies had fallen out of their eponymous enclosure, perhaps in the tumult of undressing; and he, too distracted by his scientific enquiries, had failed to notice their migration to his under-cloth domain.
He did not in fact come to the correct conclusion until he had repeated his new procedure a total of nine times. By then the mounting evidence was inescapable and totalled over seven pounds, with which he celebrated at the school tuck-shop via the purchase of one hot-dog, three packets of crisps and some lemonade. Joyfully, he had discovered his sexuality and a regular income stream at the same time, and nothing in that combination seemed to him to be in the slightest extent unusual.
I should at this stage provide some further detail about the manifestation of this singularly profitable phenomenon. I do not wish you to be laboured with the false idea that young Derwent's scrotum was forging, deep within its twin testicular domes, actual money, in the form of brass and nickel pieces of low individual value. No indeed. Should you have been present at one of the multitudinous occasions in which our protagonist beat his meat, you would have noticed (prior to the very instant of ejaculation) nothing untoward about the operation. No unnatural, coin-shaped bulges would you have seen straining against the post-childish shaft. If you had X-rayed the boy's testicles while he performed his duty, no metallic elements would have reflected the energetic rays back to their source, spoiling the grey-white photograph. It seemed as if his seminary production was entirely normal from ball-sack to bell-end, save that when the vital liquid emerged from its labyrinthine travels to the fresh air of the teenage night it transmogrified, by some process we know not, into two, five and ten pence pieces, marked with various years of mintage. Queen's heads in perfect and stylised profile dripped and spurted in metal circles from the lad's cock; oh, they smelled slightly of sperm, it's true, but in every other respect they were indistinguishable from those stamped out in HM's Royal Mint with greater effort and far less pleasure.
In fact, Derwent was not cognisant of how bizarre was the nature of his glandular secretions until a whole year later, when a conversation with his school chum Toby Smyth alerted him to that fact that human spunk was, normally, a liquid white substance that could not, under any but the most outrageously immoral circumstances, be exchanged at the corner store for sweets.
Thus Derwent was thrown into doubt, and he took himself to the local library to furtively investigate the written authorities on all matters sexual. After consulting weighty tomes of biological lore, his pre-existing rapture ( i.e. that he would never, ever be short of lunch money when he truly needed it) was replaced by a horrible and profound dread (i.e. that he was an abominable and impure freak).
He soon realised that he could never have sex in the normal manner: the idea of ejaculating raw ounces of metal coinage into even the most understanding of partners was simply unthinkable, and he was far too shy to let anyone else in on his secret. Yet this is not to say he would never have sexual encounters after his own fashion.
From the ages of sixteen and three-eighths and seventeen and two-fifths he became expert in dry-humping one or two friends at college, in the now basement-bedroom at his parents house - but he always excused himself with conscientious rapidity after his cloth-impeded climax, and deposited his winnings in a coin-jar kept in the en-suite bathroom specifically for this purpose. Afterwards, he would purchase his paramour the most expensive dial-a-pizza, bolstering her appreciation for his chivalry after the intimate joust.
When, however, one of his young associates convinced him that they should progress in their irregular entertainments from a garbed state to the entirely skin-bare, he panicked and prematurely concussed her with an unseemly explosion of one-hundred and twenty-seven 50 pence pieces to the head. After that (the girl was relatively unharmed and, fortunately, remembered nothing) he swore off bilateral consummation and returned to his solitary studies.
From that moment unto the age of nineteen-and-one-third he attempted to practice the most ascetic self-denials, with limited success. His record for abjuration was three and one quarter months, after which he accidentally frottaged himself against a sofa while watching a Catherine Deneuve movie on the television. This resulted in the production of five mint-condition £50 notes and seventy-seven pound coins commemorating the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer. A double celebration for both he and the Royal couple, with, it must be said, a similar ratio of profit to regret.
Between 20 years-old and 24, Derwent charted his growing virility in purely monetary terms, and his average ejaculate rose throughout this period from a value of £9.24 to a whopping £7,206.39. Obviously, this latter quanta of cash had the ability to burst the undergarments of the unprepared, and D. took to sleeping in the most copious pyjama bottoms - which were extremely large indeed. As he was neither a tall nor corpulent young man, the high-street tailors at "Big Fellas" were simultaneously perplexed and delighted by his repeated custom; he also purchased a total of three king-sized beds in succession, the latter specifically reinforced. I hope you will not think our hero gauche in any degree when I mention that, throughout this time of unprecedented financial growth, he also took to detailing his increasing returns on a spreadsheet; from which he created various graphs demonstrating his inherent superiority to the FTSE250, the Nikkei Index and Standard and Poor's 500 (and that with a self-awarded credit rating of quadruple-A).
His most profitable spasm of cum in these years was produced on a celebratory holiday for his 26th birthday, when £39,822.06 pulsed like a Vesuvius out of his twitching dick and collapsed both a double bed and bed-side table in a hotel room in Antwerp. The wreck of furniture and his lack of Flemish upon that occasion almost necessitated the involvement of the local constabulary, but there are, in fact, only a few silences that money cannot purchase in a good hotel, and although the room reeked of metallic jism for the next two-and-a-half months, the owners were the models of self-satisfied discretion.
While undertaking university studies, he made the mistake of enrolling in courses of physics and economics. After one student party at his digs (at which he smoked his first cigarette of marijuana) he became obsessed by the paranoia that for every action there was an equal and opposite reaction - a suspicion reinforced by an over-sensitivity to the laws of supply and demand. He then discovered (after a visit to the toilet) that he has shat out an electricity bill for £234 exactly. Good Christ! Was it the case that - all his life - his cock had been writing credit notes that his asshole could not reconcile? As it turned out, this domestic invoice had been previously deposited in that same bowl by one of his housemates, disgusted at his own profligate energy consumption and the consequences of deregulated corporate power on the student underclass. Nevertheless, for the next five weeks Derwent examined each of his own turds with an anxious countenance and a meticulous spoon. Eventually the mistake was uncovered when a final demand for the same amount arrived via the post, and Derwent celebrated by paying the bill himself on behalf of his flatmates, and, later that night, jerking off in the back garden, for a net profit of £5.60.
After University, and as he left behind the blissful morning of his youth, there began a slow-growing dread that, one day, his reserves of rich sap would dry up. The first malformed inkling of this doubt was the concern that he might, suddenly, begin spurting out not legal tender but counterfeit pieces, pseudo-money. For a whole year he subjected every speck of his product to analysis; at first just assuring himself that the notes carried the correct watermarks and holograms and that the coins were of the typical weight. Later this research took on maniacal characteristics: he began to take a record of the serial number of every note and the year of each coin, these he arranged in complex tables, searching, in vain, for some pattern among the random digits.
Obviously he could not now hold down any contract of employment - and yet he was still a producer of wealth. This led him into a new pathology: he was convinced that his bank manager would suspect that he was supporting himself through immoral activities. He began to open and close bank accounts regularly to avoid the possibility of detection.. Later realizing that this might of itself raise eyebrows, he decided to open an account in Switzerland. With the comfort of that country's anonymous regulations his fears temporarily receded, and he took to flaunting his secret in subtle ways - whenever a piece of official paperwork called for him to inscribe his occupation, he wrote the word "wanker". His passport bears that legend to this day. And, if any immigration official became offended or challenged him at this, he passionately insisted that it was the result of a typographical error by his Consulate, and that his employers at the Royal Bank of Scotland were currently briefing lawyers on his behalf to pursue a correction and apology through the courts.
But soon his neuroses returned in new forms. He became obsessed by a particular dream: the provenance of his wealth was discovered, and he was hunted down and kidnapped by organised criminals - gangs of Mafiosi kept him chained to their communal vat, and forced him at knife-point to masturbate continually for their profit. In the more frightening versions of this nightmare the mobsters, cruel and fat, put aside the stiletto and took matters into their own hands.
This fear of discovery was his most deep-seated and justified paranoia. As an adult, he scrupulously avoided any form of Doctor's inspection with perverse determination; he distrusted implicitly every biological scientist he met - imagining their gleaming scalpels poised to dissect his intimate organs, as they salivated over the possibility of a Nobel Prize. And never was a fellow so afflicted by such a profound castration anxiety as our hero! He took to wearing a cricketer's box on all but the most innocuous occasions, and severely limited his participation in sports such as rugby (union and league), Greco-Roman wrestling, and bicycling (in all its permutations). Similarly - to insulate himself from the vagaries of temperature - in the chilled chasms of winter he would wear two pairs of undergarments, at summer's peak he clothed his privates in gossamer and silken briefs.
At the age of forty he finally began to lose his ardent profitability. A man who had masturbated daily for twenty-seven years, he began to regard the activity as more and more of a chore. His activities dwindled to once every week, then once a fortnight; the results he referred to as his "pensioner's cheque". And while he had amassed a small fortune from the golden days of his career, he was more and more obsessed that he would end his life in poverty - that his pool of wealth would dry up and congeal into a faded stain on his memory.
His last adventure was to experiment with Viagra, in order to replenish his sexual interest - alas, that drug only fabricates the symptoms of excitement, it cannot replicate the true fire of the disease. Nevertheless, it was with this substance that he ended his days, alone at his craft as always, flat on his back, naked on his bed, with one last supreme effort of pulling and slapping his aching penis for an hour or more, groaning and grunting with increasing hatred and rage at his uncouth state, mauling himself in an effort to achieve his payday, and, ultimately, on the very cusp of exhaustion, he ejaculated one hundred and ten thousand, four hundred and twenty-six gold sovereigns (market value £7,729,820) which exploded from his groin like a burst of fireworks, described a languorous upwards curve through the foetid bedroom air, hung for a golden instant like a private constellation - and then fell, down in an endless, heavy rain on his head and chest, beating him to death with their insistent and elemental weight.
Such was the tragic history of Derwent Pencil, whose man-juice was more financially potent and more fatal than that of any other human male who has ever been, or ever will be. Should you wish to search for a moral in the corpse of his woe, discover, I pray, only an encouraged appreciation for the more usual secretions of humankind, male and female: substances ignored by literature and all the muses, and yet whose simplicity, whose latent charms, are too-oft dismissed by the thoughtless and the ungracious.
The end.
posted by the quidnunc kid at 12:41 PM on February 3, 2017 [72 favorites]
Such was the tragic history of Derwent Pencil
A sad final testi-money.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:54 PM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
A sad final testi-money.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:54 PM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
i will talk about jerkin it for 10,000 years and feel no shame.
Only an epic amount of chafing.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:00 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Only an epic amount of chafing.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 1:00 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter?
FWIW, I've never seen any instances of it at meetups.
MeMail me for the location of the next MeFonanite Meetup.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:10 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I've never seen any instances of it at meetups.
MeMail me for the location of the next MeFonanite Meetup.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:10 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm gonna use "email the moderators", going forward
What are you going to use going backwards?
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:18 PM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
What are you going to use going backwards?
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:18 PM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
A buttplug?
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:38 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Vote... #1...
QUIDNUNC KID! SAY IT! SAY IT!
posted by loquacious at 1:57 PM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
QUIDNUNC KID! SAY IT! SAY IT!
posted by loquacious at 1:57 PM on February 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
bonjour
I knew it.
And Faber Castell makes a much better pencil. The whole length of the lead is glued.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I knew it.
And Faber Castell makes a much better pencil. The whole length of the lead is glued.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 2:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Still proud of the phrases "connecting to localhost" and "editing Wikipedia," especially since wikipedia is unusually close to a possessive phrase for my genitalia.
posted by infinitewindow at 2:32 PM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by infinitewindow at 2:32 PM on February 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Should you wish to search for a moral in the corpse of his woe,
I have to say, I thought you were building up to an "easy come, easy go" punchline with the tale of Mr. Pencil.
posted by nubs at 2:37 PM on February 3, 2017
I have to say, I thought you were building up to an "easy come, easy go" punchline with the tale of Mr. Pencil.
posted by nubs at 2:37 PM on February 3, 2017
No, that would have made it too much of a shaggy dong story.
posted by nickmark at 2:56 PM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by nickmark at 2:56 PM on February 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
volcel vs. incel
posted by Joseph Gurl at 3:10 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Joseph Gurl at 3:10 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
yhbc: I remember when we lost our dear friend elizardbits
poffinboffin [from further down the thread]: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I'M DEAD
yhbc: sometimes I can still hear her voice
posted by merriment at 3:11 PM on February 3, 2017 [51 favorites]
poffinboffin [from further down the thread]: QUIT TELLING EVERYONE I'M DEAD
yhbc: sometimes I can still hear her voice
posted by merriment at 3:11 PM on February 3, 2017 [51 favorites]
I have to say, I thought you were building up to an "easy come, easy go" punchline with the tale of Mr. Pencil.
posted by nubs
Eponysterical.
posted by Melismata at 3:51 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by nubs
Eponysterical.
posted by Melismata at 3:51 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
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A mark of acknowledgement and respect for masturbated sperm
posted by Wordshore at 4:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
A mark of acknowledgement and respect for masturbated sperm
posted by Wordshore at 4:02 PM on February 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
especially since wikipedia is unusually close to a possessive phrase for my genitalia.
Um.
And you EDIT it?!?!?! I've been doing things seriously wrong.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:17 PM on February 3, 2017
Um.
And you EDIT it?!?!?! I've been doing things seriously wrong.
posted by chainsofreedom at 4:17 PM on February 3, 2017
Are you thinking about taters? (I'm thinking about taters) But seriously, the anon asker requested that it be dropped.
posted by exogenous at 4:52 PM on February 3, 2017
posted by exogenous at 4:52 PM on February 3, 2017
Q: Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter?
A: It depends what the definition of "on" is.
posted by vrakatar at 7:31 PM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
A: It depends what the definition of "on" is.
posted by vrakatar at 7:31 PM on February 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Q: Is masturbation allowed on MetaFilter?
Ah, the old 'Can I beat this?' question.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:27 PM on February 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
Ah, the old 'Can I beat this?' question.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:27 PM on February 3, 2017 [9 favorites]
According to the Swedes, God doesn't really mind masturbation, but there are things you might want to avoid if you hang out with Jesus.
posted by effbot at 7:27 AM on February 4, 2017
posted by effbot at 7:27 AM on February 4, 2017
A mark of acknowledgement and respect for masturbated sperm
Your count seems really low. If you're wanting to have offspring, you should probably see a fertility specialist.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:51 AM on February 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your count seems really low. If you're wanting to have offspring, you should probably see a fertility specialist.
posted by cjorgensen at 8:51 AM on February 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your count seems really low.
Unless he's using https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis#In_mathematical_notation
posted by effbot at 9:07 AM on February 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
Unless he's using https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellipsis#In_mathematical_notation
posted by effbot at 9:07 AM on February 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
A mark of acknowledgement and respect for masturbated sperm
It looked more like heavy period flow to me.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:08 AM on February 4, 2017 [7 favorites]
It looked more like heavy period flow to me.
posted by under_petticoat_rule at 9:08 AM on February 4, 2017 [7 favorites]
Ooh, I just noticed that Wordshore may consider my little post to be the canonical example of masturbation on MeFi. I'm so proud. And humbled. Prumbled.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:24 PM on February 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 1:24 PM on February 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
well now you've done it - ceiling cat just went blind
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 PM on February 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by pyramid termite at 7:01 PM on February 4, 2017 [3 favorites]
ceiling cat just went blind
Good shot, whoever that was. And once ceiling cat's washed its eyes out, it'll all be fine.
posted by ambrosen at 10:34 AM on February 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Good shot, whoever that was. And once ceiling cat's washed its eyes out, it'll all be fine.
posted by ambrosen at 10:34 AM on February 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Fucking hell, quidnunc.
Fucking. Hell.
posted by prismatic7 at 6:18 AM on February 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
Fucking. Hell.
posted by prismatic7 at 6:18 AM on February 7, 2017 [2 favorites]
Is it too late to share that "making a map of Hawaii" is my favorite euphemism?
posted by Twicketface at 1:57 PM on February 7, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Twicketface at 1:57 PM on February 7, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yep, prismatic7, I think fucking would have been hell if Derwent Pencil had ever attempted it. That's the nub of the problem.
posted by ambrosen at 5:27 PM on February 7, 2017
posted by ambrosen at 5:27 PM on February 7, 2017
Draining the Easy D?
posted by ambrosen at 10:42 AM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by ambrosen at 10:42 AM on February 8, 2017 [1 favorite]
You are not logged in, either login or create an account to post comments
And even that is just an etiquette guideline - we prefer not to accidentally cause people trouble, but we don't have any *rules* as such about it. If something that was bugging people ended up on the front page, we might or might not move stuff below the fold or consult with the OP about an edit.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 3:33 PM on February 2, 2017 [3 favorites]