Knife fight with bear post

July 24, 2006 7:41 PM

Another case of Metafilter being ahead of the curve.
posted by Krrrlson to MetaFilter-Related at 7:41 PM (53 comments total)

That said, I hope I don't see any news related to scarabic's corpse-disposal ideas.
posted by Krrrlson at 7:44 PM on July 24, 2006

Metafilter: You're not going to kill my dog.
posted by Jimbob at 7:46 PM on July 24, 2006

I was a little upset that flying sharks or flying crocodiles didn't come up.

When I got dive certified way back when, my instructor said that in every class someone always asked if you could use your diving knife to fight off a shark.

His response was basically, "No. You use your knife to cut your dive partner so the shark goes after him and you can swim the hell away."
posted by Cyrano at 7:49 PM on July 24, 2006

A 200 pound bear? Must have been a female... that's not a huge bear...

Not that a 100 pound bear couldn't kick my ass or anything...
posted by twiggy at 7:49 PM on July 24, 2006

I just shit my pants. The world is altogether too wonderful, sometimes.
posted by shmegegge at 7:50 PM on July 24, 2006

Bah. That question made no mention of having Lassie on hand to create a diversion.
posted by Gator at 7:50 PM on July 24, 2006

Not that a 100 pound bear couldn't kick my ass or anything...

You must be a little twiggy, or something..
posted by Chuckles at 7:51 PM on July 24, 2006

and the dude didn't even have to lure the bear into a check e cheese.
posted by shmegegge at 7:52 PM on July 24, 2006

chuck
posted by shmegegge at 7:52 PM on July 24, 2006

Two words missing from this picture: young, and consistently. Dude loses 30 years and kills another, post it again.
posted by scarabic at 7:54 PM on July 24, 2006

I think the more important missing word is "grizzly." But hey, nobody's perfect.
posted by Krrrlson at 7:56 PM on July 24, 2006

Pretty small bear, really.
posted by bob sarabia at 8:01 PM on July 24, 2006

I've got chunks of meat in my stool bigger than that bear.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:02 PM on July 24, 2006

Hopefully the mainstream press will pick up on this story because if the man had been following the law, his dog would have been muzzled and his bark seriously curbed. Under Ontario law that breed of dog was banned by Michael Bryant, Professional Idiot-Manchild.
posted by dobbs at 8:03 PM on July 24, 2006

Uh, black bear=/ grizzly bear. Black bears don't generally harm people. It sounds like this guy overreacted and leapt on top of a bear that was merely curious about him.
posted by bonheur at 8:15 PM on July 24, 2006

Pretty small bear, really.

Would it be more impressive if you imagined it to be a 200lb very hairy person with long claws and fang-like teeth?

Eyeroll, please...
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:16 PM on July 24, 2006

Could a typical young engineer, armed only with a slide rule, (say, eight or ten inches long, adjustable simplex cursor) be trained to consistently "win" fights with a prime number shitting bear? Assume no element of surprise.
posted by loquacious at 8:19 PM on July 24, 2006 [2 favorites]

Surviving a Grizzly Attack(YouTube).
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 8:20 PM on July 24, 2006

Would it be more impressive if you imagined it to be a 200lb very hairy person with long claws and fang-like teeth?

Ron Jeremy has left porn for knife-fighting?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:20 PM on July 24, 2006

It sounds like this guy overreacted and leapt on top of a bear that was merely curious about him.

It was certainly curious enough to try to eat his dog.
posted by shmegegge at 8:21 PM on July 24, 2006

I've got chunks of meat in my stool bigger than that bear.

You should really chew your food.
posted by horsewithnoname at 8:24 PM on July 24, 2006

6-inch blades are for pussies.

The Buck 110 is a 3.75 in. folder.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:29 PM on July 24, 2006

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
posted by brain_drain at 8:38 PM on July 24, 2006

As a good citizen, I responsibly forwarded this thread to ColbertNation.com.

This is the kind of thing that Stephen needs to be aware of.
posted by ColdChef at 8:45 PM on July 24, 2006

Bring on the 5yr olds!
posted by blue_beetle at 8:50 PM on July 24, 2006

Would it be more impressive if you imagined it to be a 200lb very hairy person with long claws and fang-like teeth?

I imagine it wouldn't be very difficult at all to kill a 200lb bear while it's being distracted by a dog if you jump on it's back and start stabbing it. Mature black bear - 200 - 450 lbs. Mature grizzly bear - 900-1500 lbs.
posted by bob sarabia at 8:59 PM on July 24, 2006

Depends, are you fighting it as bob sarabia or as puke & cry? 'Cuz bob's got the speed, but p&c has the upper body strength.


Christ, took me long enough to figure that one out look at the member page.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 9:14 PM on July 24, 2006

"I just shit my pants. The world is altogether too wonderful, sometimes."

Good job. We finally got you to unclench. In next week's session, we'll work on getting you to the toilet first. But I'm afraid that's all the time we have for today.

"I've got chunks of meat in my stool bigger than that bear."

Flo, we've talked about this, and you really need to start chewing your food.

This is hot. I should open MetaFilter's first (nonAskMe, that is) psychiatric clinic. Working full time, I could have everyone shitting rainbows before you know it.
posted by Eideteker at 9:29 PM on July 24, 2006

I have this mental image of him jumping on the back of a sleeping bear, stabbing it wildly. Afterwards, he sticks the dog a couple of times and makes up the story.
Hope he wears a bear coat though.
posted by klangklangston at 9:32 PM on July 24, 2006

Depends, are you fighting it as bob sarabia or as puke & cry?

Damn you for uncovering my darkest secret.
posted by bob sarabia at 9:35 PM on July 24, 2006

Poor bear.
posted by Balisong at 9:38 PM on July 24, 2006

This is hot. I should open MetaFilter's first (nonAskMe, that is) psychiatric clinic.

Common errors in English terminology: proctology vs. psychiatry.
posted by Krrrlson at 9:47 PM on July 24, 2006

you forgot the "amirite?" Krrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl son.
posted by Hat Maui at 9:59 PM on July 24, 2006

Pff, it was just a black bear.
posted by delmoi at 11:35 PM on July 24, 2006

Poor bear.

Oh for fuck's sake can't we have one discussion without someone sympathizing with the killer bear?
posted by fleacircus at 11:47 PM on July 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Tuens out the bear was already tame, he merely stabbed it.
posted by Space Coyote at 1:31 AM on July 25, 2006

What was the bear's position on the Iraq war?
posted by TwelveTwo at 1:59 AM on July 25, 2006

Was the bear circumcised?
posted by Meatbomb at 2:28 AM on July 25, 2006

Well, look what the bear was wearing. Aaaaasking for it.
posted by Gator at 4:06 AM on July 25, 2006

.
posted by persona non grata at 4:26 AM on July 25, 2006

This thread is unbearable.
posted by konolia at 5:00 AM on July 25, 2006

Grisly, too.
posted by yhbc at 5:30 AM on July 25, 2006

FYI average weight of a female black bear is 200 pounds.
posted by plinth at 5:50 AM on July 25, 2006

"The bear [...] clamped its mouth on the back of my dog," Tilley said. "By attracting the bear's attention like that and distracting the bear from me it gave me the quick opportunity I needed to run around to the back of the bear, get on its back and with my knife start stabbing it."

That's not distracting a bear, that's having a bear eat you.
posted by boo_radley at 6:48 AM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

Which can be very distracting, for a bear. I know whenever I take a bite of pitbull, I tend to lose track of my surroundings.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 7:09 AM on July 25, 2006 [1 favorite]

posted by StrasbourgSecaucus at 8:29 AM on July 25, 2006

Working full time, I could have everyone shitting rainbows before you know it.

That's the trick that uses the fifty-pound bags of Lucky Charms, right?
posted by trondant at 9:21 AM on July 25, 2006

That said, I hope I don't see any news related to scarabic's corpse-disposal ideas.

Oh, don't worry. If anyone really follows scarabic's instructions, we won't be seeing them in the news.

Also, how dare you!
posted by moss at 9:26 AM on July 25, 2006

posted by The Jesse Helms at 10:03 AM on July 25, 2006

Just wanted to take the opportunity to provide the source for brain drain's "Uncle Caveman" quip, since brain drain, ahem, did not: The one-and-only Jack Handey.
posted by soyjoy at 10:18 AM on July 25, 2006

Apparently, you can't kill them with a bicycle.
posted by cass at 10:27 AM on July 25, 2006

This thread is unbearable.
posted by konolia

At least it wasn't a polar bear. Or a bipolar bear.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:50 AM on July 25, 2006

Or a Cartesian bear (a polar bear after a coordinate transform)
posted by kindall at 11:58 PM on July 25, 2006