Metatalktail Hour: Your Own Peculiar Theme Park February 20, 2021 11:08 PM Subscribe
I've been reading Sarah Vowell's Take the Cannoli and enjoyed reading about her visit to Disneyland, particularly how she would remake Disneyland if she could build a theme park. And that made me think about my own personal theme park and what I might like to see and what other kinds of theme parks others would create. Sky's the limit, what would you like to create a theme park for? Would there be rides? Food? Attractions? Educational opportunities? Take us on a trip somewhere.
I have thought about this before! The answer is: Borrowers theme park. Yes, a land in which you shrink down and become a Borrower for the day! Everything would be huge and you would feel tiny!
There would be a large outdoor section with careful plantings mixed with soft or climbable giant plant sculptures, trails over and around pebble gardens which are actually smoothed boulders, a maple seed or maybe dandelion zip line, giant tadpole robots in a pond/puddle, actors selling giant flower and clover parasols...
There would be indoor sections of course. You’d have to have the curio cabinet and a giant dollhouse and a giant grandfather clock. There would be walkways designed to feel like you’re going inside the walls of the house and emerging from sneaky hidey holes, and big projections of the parts of rooms you couldn’t realistically get to onto curved walls and ceilings. There would be actors in adorable costumes that look stitched together from socks and doilies to invite you to tea in a thimble, or to slide down the giant banister, or practice combat with a giant needle, or tell you about their family history and their great adventures. There would be places that are kind of like ikea showrooms where you could just play with all the giant props in rooms that borrowers have recently vacated, and closets you can visit to try on outfits made of giant cloth scraps.
The food would be giant versions of tiny foods, of course! This is the part I’ve thought the most about, because raindrop cakes look like raindrops for borrowers! So like, the surface tension of everything would have to be off. A few giant grains of rice, that are actually oblong rice flour dumplings with delicious fillings. A single giant pea served to you in a giant acorn cap, that you poke to break the skin and it’s soup inside. A turkey leg sold as a hummingbird leg, though that might not land well. Lobster tails as pillbugs though, don’t tell me that’s not great. Popovers for bread, because they have huge air bubbles inside, like a giant version of a regular bread with good crumb. Dessert could have rock candy sugar grains on things. There could be flower nectar that’s single source honey in tubes served in giant versions of their source flower made out of marzipan.
I don’t know what the conceit would be. Are we borrowers from afar who are coming to some kind of extended family reunion? Are we big people who got shrunk down? Are we not really playing pretend but the park actors are welcoming regardless? I also have no ideas for how to transition believably between a sprawling outdoor zone and the indoor spaces without making a fifty story giant house facade. But sigh, I want giant versions of tiny things.
posted by Mizu at 6:38 AM on February 21, 2021 [20 favorites]
There would be a large outdoor section with careful plantings mixed with soft or climbable giant plant sculptures, trails over and around pebble gardens which are actually smoothed boulders, a maple seed or maybe dandelion zip line, giant tadpole robots in a pond/puddle, actors selling giant flower and clover parasols...
There would be indoor sections of course. You’d have to have the curio cabinet and a giant dollhouse and a giant grandfather clock. There would be walkways designed to feel like you’re going inside the walls of the house and emerging from sneaky hidey holes, and big projections of the parts of rooms you couldn’t realistically get to onto curved walls and ceilings. There would be actors in adorable costumes that look stitched together from socks and doilies to invite you to tea in a thimble, or to slide down the giant banister, or practice combat with a giant needle, or tell you about their family history and their great adventures. There would be places that are kind of like ikea showrooms where you could just play with all the giant props in rooms that borrowers have recently vacated, and closets you can visit to try on outfits made of giant cloth scraps.
The food would be giant versions of tiny foods, of course! This is the part I’ve thought the most about, because raindrop cakes look like raindrops for borrowers! So like, the surface tension of everything would have to be off. A few giant grains of rice, that are actually oblong rice flour dumplings with delicious fillings. A single giant pea served to you in a giant acorn cap, that you poke to break the skin and it’s soup inside. A turkey leg sold as a hummingbird leg, though that might not land well. Lobster tails as pillbugs though, don’t tell me that’s not great. Popovers for bread, because they have huge air bubbles inside, like a giant version of a regular bread with good crumb. Dessert could have rock candy sugar grains on things. There could be flower nectar that’s single source honey in tubes served in giant versions of their source flower made out of marzipan.
I don’t know what the conceit would be. Are we borrowers from afar who are coming to some kind of extended family reunion? Are we big people who got shrunk down? Are we not really playing pretend but the park actors are welcoming regardless? I also have no ideas for how to transition believably between a sprawling outdoor zone and the indoor spaces without making a fifty story giant house facade. But sigh, I want giant versions of tiny things.
posted by Mizu at 6:38 AM on February 21, 2021 [20 favorites]
I don't have an imaginary amusement park, though some libraries and bookstores come to mind as my happiest places on earth.
But I want to instead share my best/worst Dad joke of the week.
Yesterday at Online Baking Club, Going To Maine was telling us all the steps involved in making challah. How you mix everything together and let it ferment, then cut the dough and braid it and let it rise again, then brush with egg and bake, and I said, "Wow, that sounds hard. I thought all you had to do was throw your hands in the air and...Challah!"
posted by Stanczyk at 8:07 AM on February 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
But I want to instead share my best/worst Dad joke of the week.
Yesterday at Online Baking Club, Going To Maine was telling us all the steps involved in making challah. How you mix everything together and let it ferment, then cut the dough and braid it and let it rise again, then brush with egg and bake, and I said, "Wow, that sounds hard. I thought all you had to do was throw your hands in the air and...Challah!"
posted by Stanczyk at 8:07 AM on February 21, 2021 [3 favorites]
About 5 years ago we took a trip-of-a-lifetime vacation to central Europe, mostly of it spent in the former Communist bloc countries. On our last night before returning we stayed at the Retro Hotel in Fonyód on Lake Balaton, a vacation spot near Budapest that was promoted as retaining its old Communist-era aesthetic. So, I don't know--a theme park built around that vibe could be interesting, although I think it is pretty hard to do any sort of theme park without running into socioethical dilemmas of a Baudrillardian nature.
I also enjoy the Smithsonian folklife festival but I hardly ever go because being around those crowd sizes, in DC, in July, for a full day, is so unpleasant that it offsets the good parts. Would there be some way to shape that into a standing theme park sort of standing attraction Or a Smithsonian theme park more generally speaking? With different "lands" for each of the different museums? But with better parking and permanent infrastructure while maintaining the free admission and so on that makes the Smithsonians a national treasure....
(also, apparently the Fonyód Retro Hotel has been torn down! Sad!)
posted by drlith at 8:16 AM on February 21, 2021
I also enjoy the Smithsonian folklife festival but I hardly ever go because being around those crowd sizes, in DC, in July, for a full day, is so unpleasant that it offsets the good parts. Would there be some way to shape that into a standing theme park sort of standing attraction Or a Smithsonian theme park more generally speaking? With different "lands" for each of the different museums? But with better parking and permanent infrastructure while maintaining the free admission and so on that makes the Smithsonians a national treasure....
(also, apparently the Fonyód Retro Hotel has been torn down! Sad!)
posted by drlith at 8:16 AM on February 21, 2021
A friend of mine recently reminded me of a conversation we had in college — during which I think we may have been sober — about installing extra faucets in the kitchen, labeled with things like "bourbon" and "hot cocoa" and "nacho cheese."
My own theme park seems like the right place to put this into action.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:59 AM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
My own theme park seems like the right place to put this into action.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:59 AM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
My theme park would be more or less any existing theme park, only with just me and my chosen friends/family let in.
posted by DingoMutt at 9:03 AM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by DingoMutt at 9:03 AM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
One of the things that made me think about this is that my sister, who was a Wizard of Oz nut as a kid, and I have always planned a trip to the Land of Oz theme park. I also kind of love Las Vegas in some ways (and not in others) where they have these odd themed hotels. Of course a lot of the themes are kind of dated if not out and out problematic, so I often try to think of non-problematic theme parks as I am falling asleep. And I went to Memento Park when I was in Hungary (where they put the old Communist statues) and liked that as an idea, i.e. you can go here but it's at the ass end of nowhere and check these things out but this is not a place of honor etc.
Impractical theme parks I would enjoy:
Space theme park: get to explore other planets (approximately) in a space suit and experience their gravity and atmosphere (if survivable).
Ocean theme park: all the hotel rooms are basically above a simulated ocean that you can (somehow) go walk around in and see ocean life and what things look like at different levels of the ocean without having to get in an actual submarine.
Empty theme park: I don't care what it's about but I get to experience the entire thing totally alone, find places to stay overnight, scavenge food, maybe take myself on a few rides.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:14 AM on February 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Impractical theme parks I would enjoy:
Space theme park: get to explore other planets (approximately) in a space suit and experience their gravity and atmosphere (if survivable).
Ocean theme park: all the hotel rooms are basically above a simulated ocean that you can (somehow) go walk around in and see ocean life and what things look like at different levels of the ocean without having to get in an actual submarine.
Empty theme park: I don't care what it's about but I get to experience the entire thing totally alone, find places to stay overnight, scavenge food, maybe take myself on a few rides.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 11:14 AM on February 21, 2021 [4 favorites]
Mine would be inspired by my favorite public place ever, the City Museum in Saint Louis.
So, in essence, it would be a place that encourages grown-ups to behave like children. Lots of adult-sized slides, an airplane on the roof, ball pits (i know, yuck, but fun!), and life-size rock 'em sock 'em robots.
So, yeah, just basically an enormous version of the City Museum.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 11:25 AM on February 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
So, in essence, it would be a place that encourages grown-ups to behave like children. Lots of adult-sized slides, an airplane on the roof, ball pits (i know, yuck, but fun!), and life-size rock 'em sock 'em robots.
So, yeah, just basically an enormous version of the City Museum.
posted by RobinofFrocksley at 11:25 AM on February 21, 2021 [8 favorites]
Fun topic.
When I was a kid at Disneyland, the actual amusements were less interesting than dreaming about the idea of hiding and being able to walk around all the sets at night, alone. I spent most of the time on rides looking for hiding places rather than watching the spectacle as intended. (I've got some killer spots picked out on Tom Sawyer Island.)
I don't think I entirely understood which parts were real at the time. I definitely thought there were working coal mines and big chests of gold sitting around in tourist spots in Southern California. I also didn't realize there would be employees working at night. But, as an adult, doing that still sounds pretty fun. No longer because I'm excited about plastic pirate sabres, but because of all the cool old-timey automata and behind-the-scenes architecture.
I think my ideal, personal theme park is actually just a normal theme park where I have the keys to every door and can explore it alone by myself for an unlimited amount of time after hours.
My ideal realistic them park is probably called a museum. My ideal museum is one where I could touch and smell everything and explore the stuff not on display at my leisure. Which I realize is a very bad idea in general. But, it sure would be fun. If each museum did it exactly once and only for me, it wouldn't cause much damage. (It's also not important enough to convince me to work toward a high-level museum job where I could probably actually do that.)
On preview, the City Museum is as close to my personal ideal as any institution able to obtain insurance will ever get.
posted by eotvos at 11:27 AM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
When I was a kid at Disneyland, the actual amusements were less interesting than dreaming about the idea of hiding and being able to walk around all the sets at night, alone. I spent most of the time on rides looking for hiding places rather than watching the spectacle as intended. (I've got some killer spots picked out on Tom Sawyer Island.)
I don't think I entirely understood which parts were real at the time. I definitely thought there were working coal mines and big chests of gold sitting around in tourist spots in Southern California. I also didn't realize there would be employees working at night. But, as an adult, doing that still sounds pretty fun. No longer because I'm excited about plastic pirate sabres, but because of all the cool old-timey automata and behind-the-scenes architecture.
I think my ideal, personal theme park is actually just a normal theme park where I have the keys to every door and can explore it alone by myself for an unlimited amount of time after hours.
My ideal realistic them park is probably called a museum. My ideal museum is one where I could touch and smell everything and explore the stuff not on display at my leisure. Which I realize is a very bad idea in general. But, it sure would be fun. If each museum did it exactly once and only for me, it wouldn't cause much damage. (It's also not important enough to convince me to work toward a high-level museum job where I could probably actually do that.)
On preview, the City Museum is as close to my personal ideal as any institution able to obtain insurance will ever get.
posted by eotvos at 11:27 AM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
There was a room in the Granada Studios Tour which was a Borrowers-like scaled up room with giant furniture, I think from the set of a TV series set in Lilliput. The highlight of the tour (for the adults, at least) was the actual street Coronation St exterior shots were filmed on. It was all very low budget compared with, say, the Universal Studios lot, but still kind of magical for a tiny child.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:53 AM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 11:53 AM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
Dog World! Every breed of dog you've heard of (and a lot you haven't) has its own large enclosed area staffed by breed experts where you can go in to meet and observe dogs of that breed. There are well-trained, well-socialized dogs showing off what's best about the breed but also examples of the breed at its worst. (Maybe you can watch through one-way glass as people get help from dog behaviorists with their problem Airedale or Swedish Vallhund or meet a mostly untrained dog that was recently surrendered to a rescue.) There are a lot of mixed breed dogs, too, maybe grouped together based on similar behavioral characteristics - "eager, smart and trainable" or "easy-going couch potatoes" or "strong-willed and high energy." They're DNA-tested so you can guess at their breed mixture and see how close you were. You can also watch every type of dog sport - agility, obedience, herding, gun dog trials, flyball, sled dog races, treibball, etc. and you can watch demos of people training their dogs for each of those activities.
posted by Redstart at 1:08 PM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 1:08 PM on February 21, 2021 [5 favorites]
I've been to Disney World, also Pleasure Island. It's so well-designed for crowd-management, some nifty details. Plenty of nature included. But so manipulated, artificial. Went to Las Vegas 2 years ago, what a weird place, but some of the casinos have interesting decor and I liked the weather. I loved New Orleans, visited @ 20 years ago, pre-Katrina, not near Mardi Gras season. The Mighty Mississippi, the market, lots of art and street sellers, street performers. People in Nola seemed kind, even though you did have to worry about pickpockets, street scammers. My experience of Oahu was similar, Aloha Spirit is real and should not be lost.
I think I'd like a park full of museums, art, light shows at night, lots of bookstores, coffee shops, bars where there are good musicians. Just not so crowded and intense. Parts of some cities that have a lot of museums are like that. And if it could have charming, human-scale architecture sculptures, fountains. I like From Bklyn's idea of Paris, and also the cool parts of many other cities, and Jessamyn's Space Park.
It should have all the good I-Max movies, star shows.
After Covid, maybe a theme park full of therapists and therapeutic environments, and dogs and cats to pet.
posted by theora55 at 2:21 PM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
I think I'd like a park full of museums, art, light shows at night, lots of bookstores, coffee shops, bars where there are good musicians. Just not so crowded and intense. Parts of some cities that have a lot of museums are like that. And if it could have charming, human-scale architecture sculptures, fountains. I like From Bklyn's idea of Paris, and also the cool parts of many other cities, and Jessamyn's Space Park.
It should have all the good I-Max movies, star shows.
After Covid, maybe a theme park full of therapists and therapeutic environments, and dogs and cats to pet.
posted by theora55 at 2:21 PM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
My theme park would be the Haunted Mansion, but with real ghosts. Also, those popcorn buckets you get at Tokyo Disney.
posted by betweenthebars at 2:23 PM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by betweenthebars at 2:23 PM on February 21, 2021 [1 favorite]
I loved RollerCoaster Tycoon growing up- would love to visit some of the parks I built at 12.
I wish I still had my youthful fearlessness- I loved rollercoasters, but now not so much. I feel to young to have lost this.
When we were teenagers and travelling with my parents, we went to a Science Museum and were super disappointed that we were too old for the cool looking experimental space- I'd love to have a theme park with grown ups allowed to play and have fun like that.
posted by freethefeet at 3:58 PM on February 21, 2021
I wish I still had my youthful fearlessness- I loved rollercoasters, but now not so much. I feel to young to have lost this.
When we were teenagers and travelling with my parents, we went to a Science Museum and were super disappointed that we were too old for the cool looking experimental space- I'd love to have a theme park with grown ups allowed to play and have fun like that.
posted by freethefeet at 3:58 PM on February 21, 2021
Oh, it's got to be crystals.
When I was very young, my parents had an encyclopedia. Most pages were black and white, but there were a few pages that were glossy and smooth. One of those had birthstones, with full color photos of the shiny crystals. I loved looking at that.
A few years later, my class went on a field trip to the Boston Museum of Science. I was fascinated by the rock and mineral display, and I bought a tiger eye at the gift shop. I remember my Mom asking why I'd spent so much for a rock.
Every place I've ever been to, I've bought a rock or crystal. I've hunted them down. I've read books about them. I know they are just rocks and crystals, and that some ascribe more meaning to them, but I don't. I just like them. They are shiny and interesting. They've been here for millions, maybe billions, of years. You can hold them in your hand and wonder. They sparkle, for goodness sake!
So my theme park would be a cave, like Cave of the Blue Mounds, or some other cave like the ones in Missouri, where you can enter from 90 degree weather into this mysterious underground, and see every type of crystal known to mankind. And there would be someone or some holographic, explaining where it is from, how it is formed, and how it is used today (like gypsum). Like visiting the museum, but moreso, because it would be all of them. And it would be in 3D like a planetarium, but looking at the Earth and you would be able to touch a part of the Earth and see the stones from that part. Like a ride through planet Earth, mineral deposits.
I still don't know why I like rocks and minerals, except I just do. And a giant theme park based on them with an underground ride with all of them would tickle my fancy.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:34 PM on February 21, 2021 [7 favorites]
When I was very young, my parents had an encyclopedia. Most pages were black and white, but there were a few pages that were glossy and smooth. One of those had birthstones, with full color photos of the shiny crystals. I loved looking at that.
A few years later, my class went on a field trip to the Boston Museum of Science. I was fascinated by the rock and mineral display, and I bought a tiger eye at the gift shop. I remember my Mom asking why I'd spent so much for a rock.
Every place I've ever been to, I've bought a rock or crystal. I've hunted them down. I've read books about them. I know they are just rocks and crystals, and that some ascribe more meaning to them, but I don't. I just like them. They are shiny and interesting. They've been here for millions, maybe billions, of years. You can hold them in your hand and wonder. They sparkle, for goodness sake!
So my theme park would be a cave, like Cave of the Blue Mounds, or some other cave like the ones in Missouri, where you can enter from 90 degree weather into this mysterious underground, and see every type of crystal known to mankind. And there would be someone or some holographic, explaining where it is from, how it is formed, and how it is used today (like gypsum). Like visiting the museum, but moreso, because it would be all of them. And it would be in 3D like a planetarium, but looking at the Earth and you would be able to touch a part of the Earth and see the stones from that part. Like a ride through planet Earth, mineral deposits.
I still don't know why I like rocks and minerals, except I just do. And a giant theme park based on them with an underground ride with all of them would tickle my fancy.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:34 PM on February 21, 2021 [7 favorites]
It's like a theme park, but for dogs.
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:40 PM on February 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:40 PM on February 21, 2021 [2 favorites]
I love the idea of The Borrowers and for me it would definitely be another kids book-- Peter Pan or Narnia. Snow that doesn't make you cold, mysterious flowing drinks and Turkish Delight. Or maybe areas for different children's books with decor and an adventure built into each, like an enchanted forest where you make paper lanterns to tempt the moon to come out.
posted by BibiRose at 5:09 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 5:09 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I have a huge soft spot for open air/living history museums, so probably something along those lines. We visited this one in the Netherlands a couple years ago, and it was a lot of fun. We've also been watching a bunch of British "living history" shows recently (Victorian Farm, Edwardian Farm, Secrets of the Castle) and it's making me want to go visit the sites that they filmed at.
posted by backseatpilot at 6:42 AM on February 22, 2021
posted by backseatpilot at 6:42 AM on February 22, 2021
Like backseatpilot, I adore the living history. Many years ago, when I went to the Boston Children's Museum, the bits I liked the most were the highly themed rooms; some slightly creepy attic, an apartment, and, in an unrelated area, the rooms donated by Japan. So my 'theme park' would be a series of very highly themed rooms, all interactive as if you were just wandering in to a suddenly emptied place. Could there be an underlying mystery or story? Maybe! Would there be the important bits of timed and limited entry and workers themed to the place? Absolutely.
I may have just reinvented the escape room?
posted by cobaltnine at 9:33 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I may have just reinvented the escape room?
posted by cobaltnine at 9:33 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
I thought Metafilter was my own personal theme park.
[note: hitting command-I brought up the italics tags! Cool! Further proof that Mefi is my own personal theme park]
posted by mecran01 at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
[note: hitting command-I brought up the italics tags! Cool! Further proof that Mefi is my own personal theme park]
posted by mecran01 at 10:55 AM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Blaine the Mono from Stephen King's the Dark Tower series. And then build out from there.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 12:00 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 12:00 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
If I may self-link, 9222570[...]99d1af4a, I found Blaine in Colorado in 2005.
posted by cobaltnine at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2021
posted by cobaltnine at 1:33 PM on February 22, 2021
I'd moved on for the night.
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 2:15 PM on February 22, 2021
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 2:15 PM on February 22, 2021
Giant Ancient Trees Forest Park! Includes redwoods, sequoias, tsugi cedars, bristlecone pines and, why not, some long-lived oak species and clonal aspens and maybe some pines from wetter places to include more mushroom diversity. There's at least a couple areas where you are so far from other people that it gets extremely quiet and spooky. There's a skywalk so you can see what grows in the canopy. There are giant nurse logs to explore. There is no cellphone service.
This is getting me excited for travel to be a thing again, so I can visit some extremely old trees.
posted by momus_window at 2:16 PM on February 22, 2021
This is getting me excited for travel to be a thing again, so I can visit some extremely old trees.
posted by momus_window at 2:16 PM on February 22, 2021
Horses.
Lots of beautiful horses. And brushes, and curry combs, and helpful staff to show you how to brush the horse you've chosen (or, preferably, the horse that has chosen you) staff to help you feel at home with these magnificent animals. A bowl of apples, quartered, and some carrots also, and a couple of sugar cubes, and some oats, too, so you can learn that the horse won't bite you but will instead eat the sugar cubes and oats off of your palm, which you'll learn to hold open wide. Scratch the soft, whiskery skin around the horses muzzle, scratch its forehead -- it'll let you know if it wants you to scratch its ears. Notice how good the horse smells, as you brush and comb it, as you run your fingers through its mane.
So maybe fifteen minutes of getting comfortable around the animal, and then go and get the blanket and saddle and bridle and carry them back to the horse. Put the blanket on (your helpful staff is going to be right here to help you with this stuff) and then the saddle, accept that you might not be able to secure the saddle (at first it's difficult to learn to cinch the saddle on, it's actually easy once you've done it a few times), leave the saddle on the horse and learn (with help, if you need it) learn to put the bridle on, it might be difficult, at the first, sliding the bit into the horses mouth, and then how to strap it on. Now, ease back to the horses side and really cinch the saddle tight -- the horse had blown up when you put the saddle on and cinched it, but it will forget, it will relax, and now you can get that saddle mounted right.
You choose where to ride -- maybe in some back canyon in Arizona, maybe a place near the ocean waves, maybe just some trail that really appeals to you for whatever reason. One thing is for sure -- you're not just going to ride around the paddock. Hell no -- you're going for a ride. Notice as you begin to sweat, and the horse begins to sweat, its smell now richer, more pungent. If you've decided to ride just some trail, I'm hoping for you that it'll be just wet enough, not wet but absolutely not dry, and as the earth opens under the hooves it's another really nice smell.
And now you're going to pick it up some, a trot, a canter, and then finally full-out, galloping down the beach or on that trail, not for long, a couple of minutes maybe, enough for you to understand, from the inside, how easy it is to sit a horse in a gallop, and how much fun it is. It really is a great ride, better by far than some tilt-a-whirl or what-have-you.
And now you're back at the barn, and you dump the saddle off, and the blanket, and the bridle, put a halter on the horse -- your new friend. Now the horse is going to be pretty much wide open to be scratched, and you run your hand under the mane and the animal is soaked in sweat, same as it is where the saddle blanket was. Take your gear to the tack room, and put it up, and then back to hang out with the horse, and give it some more apples, and carrots, and if you maybe got on particularly well the horse may shove its head into your chest -- "Scratch me! Scratch me!" (It's saying "I like you! I like you!") and you do, and your hands smell like horse, now, for the rest of the day.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:56 PM on February 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
Lots of beautiful horses. And brushes, and curry combs, and helpful staff to show you how to brush the horse you've chosen (or, preferably, the horse that has chosen you) staff to help you feel at home with these magnificent animals. A bowl of apples, quartered, and some carrots also, and a couple of sugar cubes, and some oats, too, so you can learn that the horse won't bite you but will instead eat the sugar cubes and oats off of your palm, which you'll learn to hold open wide. Scratch the soft, whiskery skin around the horses muzzle, scratch its forehead -- it'll let you know if it wants you to scratch its ears. Notice how good the horse smells, as you brush and comb it, as you run your fingers through its mane.
So maybe fifteen minutes of getting comfortable around the animal, and then go and get the blanket and saddle and bridle and carry them back to the horse. Put the blanket on (your helpful staff is going to be right here to help you with this stuff) and then the saddle, accept that you might not be able to secure the saddle (at first it's difficult to learn to cinch the saddle on, it's actually easy once you've done it a few times), leave the saddle on the horse and learn (with help, if you need it) learn to put the bridle on, it might be difficult, at the first, sliding the bit into the horses mouth, and then how to strap it on. Now, ease back to the horses side and really cinch the saddle tight -- the horse had blown up when you put the saddle on and cinched it, but it will forget, it will relax, and now you can get that saddle mounted right.
You choose where to ride -- maybe in some back canyon in Arizona, maybe a place near the ocean waves, maybe just some trail that really appeals to you for whatever reason. One thing is for sure -- you're not just going to ride around the paddock. Hell no -- you're going for a ride. Notice as you begin to sweat, and the horse begins to sweat, its smell now richer, more pungent. If you've decided to ride just some trail, I'm hoping for you that it'll be just wet enough, not wet but absolutely not dry, and as the earth opens under the hooves it's another really nice smell.
And now you're going to pick it up some, a trot, a canter, and then finally full-out, galloping down the beach or on that trail, not for long, a couple of minutes maybe, enough for you to understand, from the inside, how easy it is to sit a horse in a gallop, and how much fun it is. It really is a great ride, better by far than some tilt-a-whirl or what-have-you.
And now you're back at the barn, and you dump the saddle off, and the blanket, and the bridle, put a halter on the horse -- your new friend. Now the horse is going to be pretty much wide open to be scratched, and you run your hand under the mane and the animal is soaked in sweat, same as it is where the saddle blanket was. Take your gear to the tack room, and put it up, and then back to hang out with the horse, and give it some more apples, and carrots, and if you maybe got on particularly well the horse may shove its head into your chest -- "Scratch me! Scratch me!" (It's saying "I like you! I like you!") and you do, and your hands smell like horse, now, for the rest of the day.
posted by dancestoblue at 2:56 PM on February 22, 2021 [3 favorites]
I used to be a research assistant for someone who owned the rights to any Theodore Roosevelt-themed theme parks. As far as I know none have ever existed, but I certainly would like to go to one for the day.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:03 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:03 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Also came in to say City Museum, if you have not been to City Museum, GO TO CITY MUSEUM. With children if you have them, without them if you don't, it's amazeballs. When we lived in Peoria, my kids (then just two of them) and I drove down to Springfield, where their dad worked, and we ate horseshoes in Springfield for lunch, and then hopped on the Amtrak to St. Louis, which in itself made the entire trip for my train-crazy kids. We walked to a hotel and walked from the hotel to City Museum and walked around the touristy part of the St. Louis downtown. Every part of it was awesome. (The Arch was closed when we were there or we would have done that too!)
Also I always desperately wanted to go to Canadian World and I'm sad it (mostly?) closed.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 8:21 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Also I always desperately wanted to go to Canadian World and I'm sad it (mostly?) closed.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 8:21 PM on February 22, 2021 [1 favorite]
Ooh- we got to go to Hobbiton while we were on Honeymoon, and the best part was the Green Dragon Inn, which felt more like an actual building than a film set (the rest of it felt more film setty, sadly the hobbit holes are doorways only.) You got there at the end of the tour, enjoyed your complimentary beverage and then were whisked back on the bus again.
There are special events held at the Green Dragon, but I would like to have in my theme park a pub like the Green Dragon- scratch that, I want my local pub to be like the Green Dragon, and be able to go and enjoy it with a large party of friends.
posted by freethefeet at 12:55 AM on February 23, 2021
There are special events held at the Green Dragon, but I would like to have in my theme park a pub like the Green Dragon- scratch that, I want my local pub to be like the Green Dragon, and be able to go and enjoy it with a large party of friends.
posted by freethefeet at 12:55 AM on February 23, 2021
Glasto, but there's a teleporter that takes you to a warm dry place (OK, hotel room) with a shower and stuff.
I suspect rich people already have this.
posted by pompomtom at 4:50 AM on February 23, 2021
I suspect rich people already have this.
posted by pompomtom at 4:50 AM on February 23, 2021
Giant Ancient Trees Forest Park!Neat! In that case, I change my answer to de-extincted pleistocene megafauna park. Kept with care and freedom to roam through reasonably natural environments and protected from us tourists. Like Jurassic Park, I guess, but easier to accomplish. Though, Jurassic Park would be pretty fun too.
Is de-extincted pleistocene megafauna roaming the City Museum an option?
posted by eotvos at 10:48 AM on February 23, 2021 [2 favorites]
If I was in charge, Disney would devote some of that unused acreage in Florida to a fifth gate for attractions no longer wanted in the main parks. Instead of tearing down that beloved classic from 1971 opening day that the kids just don't get anymore, you'd take it apart and move it over to Disney's Nostalgic Adventure for Geezers.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:10 PM on February 23, 2021 [3 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:10 PM on February 23, 2021 [3 favorites]
Geographic-themed miniature golf course--SF Bay Area edition.
The course would be dotted with regional landmark structures: the three bridges (Golden Gate, Bay, San Mateo), Coit Tower, Transamerica Pyramid, Sutro Tower, Tech Museum, Grand Lake Theater (with mini-neon sign), Lick Observatory, SJ Rose Garden, etc. Obstacles: scuttling crabs, thwacking sea lion tails, BART trains crossing the greens, opening and closing lids of sourdough bread bowl chowder, Highway 1 cliff edges.
The arcade would have multiple rooms featuring arcade history by decade, with local companies and designers spotlighted;each room would have a period-appropriate jukebox programmed with the musical hits of that era.
The arcade would also include the few remaining 21st-century sit-down game innovations (multiple linked Star Wars BattlePods, programmable all-digital pinball games, electromechanical Pong tables, upscaled mobile games like TempleRun playing on gigantic phone-styled cabinets, etc).
posted by JDC8 at 3:42 PM on February 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
The course would be dotted with regional landmark structures: the three bridges (Golden Gate, Bay, San Mateo), Coit Tower, Transamerica Pyramid, Sutro Tower, Tech Museum, Grand Lake Theater (with mini-neon sign), Lick Observatory, SJ Rose Garden, etc. Obstacles: scuttling crabs, thwacking sea lion tails, BART trains crossing the greens, opening and closing lids of sourdough bread bowl chowder, Highway 1 cliff edges.
The arcade would have multiple rooms featuring arcade history by decade, with local companies and designers spotlighted;each room would have a period-appropriate jukebox programmed with the musical hits of that era.
The arcade would also include the few remaining 21st-century sit-down game innovations (multiple linked Star Wars BattlePods, programmable all-digital pinball games, electromechanical Pong tables, upscaled mobile games like TempleRun playing on gigantic phone-styled cabinets, etc).
posted by JDC8 at 3:42 PM on February 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
I want to go to Mizu’s Borrowers park and get a souvenir cup of Fine Old Pale Madeira. And there must be a balloon ride over a “model” train. The shopping/dining district can be the model train village. In addition to the costumed workers, there would be mannequins stationed here and there to look like Miss Menzies’s barbola figures.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:06 PM on February 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:06 PM on February 23, 2021 [1 favorite]
Dog World!
Nay, Doodle World!
Not mention Bumper Car Disneyland; Bumper Car United Artists with Bumper Car Megatron, Bumblebee and Optimus Prime; Sequoia National Bumper Car Park; Bumper Car Yosemite and Jurassic Bumper Car World with Bumper Car T-Rex, Triceratops and Velociraptors
.
...to name but a few.
Naturally these would be atomic bumper cars.
posted by y2karl at 10:18 PM on February 23, 2021
Nay, Doodle World!
Not mention Bumper Car Disneyland; Bumper Car United Artists with Bumper Car Megatron, Bumblebee and Optimus Prime; Sequoia National Bumper Car Park; Bumper Car Yosemite and Jurassic Bumper Car World with Bumper Car T-Rex, Triceratops and Velociraptors
.
...to name but a few.
Naturally these would be atomic bumper cars.
posted by y2karl at 10:18 PM on February 23, 2021
JDC8, something like that exists: Subpar mini golf (sadly I never got a chance to go before I left Oakland.)
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:21 AM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:21 AM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
Cedar Point, but tailored to my specifications: no rides that go backwards or upside down or spin. Giant, steep, fast drops are most welcome. A section of the park for my favorite stuff that had been torn down (Avalanche Run, the giant slide-in-a-sack thing I loved as a kid, candle making). Food is all free, there are no lines, and it's always 70 degrees with a slight breeze. And there's a cat cafe.
posted by sugarbomb at 4:18 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by sugarbomb at 4:18 PM on February 24, 2021 [1 favorite]
This seems like as good a place as any to plug two of my favorite online amusement park destinations:
Gorillas Don’t Blog Is a blog that’s updated daily with vintage pictures mostly of Disneyland, but also lots of other amusement parks and tourist destinations. As is frequently said in the comments section, “Come for the pictures, stay for the commentary,” because both the blogmeister and many of the regular commenters have a wealth of knowledge about what’s in the images.
Carter’s Steam Fair is a family-owned traveling fun fair in the UK, featuring antique and vintage rides beautifully restored and hand-painted by the Carters. Some date back to Victorian times and some, as the name implies, are steam-powered. They have an image-rich web site and an Instagram account. Joby Carter is offering virtual signwriting classes during quarantine.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:59 PM on February 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
Gorillas Don’t Blog Is a blog that’s updated daily with vintage pictures mostly of Disneyland, but also lots of other amusement parks and tourist destinations. As is frequently said in the comments section, “Come for the pictures, stay for the commentary,” because both the blogmeister and many of the regular commenters have a wealth of knowledge about what’s in the images.
Carter’s Steam Fair is a family-owned traveling fun fair in the UK, featuring antique and vintage rides beautifully restored and hand-painted by the Carters. Some date back to Victorian times and some, as the name implies, are steam-powered. They have an image-rich web site and an Instagram account. Joby Carter is offering virtual signwriting classes during quarantine.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:59 PM on February 24, 2021 [5 favorites]
I have been thinking about this. I love regular theme parks. Water parks too. But, if I were to spice **ahem** it up a bit, I would add a hot sauce tasting area. Hotter the better. Watch other customers have sweat coming out of their teeth and eyeballs. I would try the hottest just like going on the highest rollercoaster or the tallest water slide.
You know how they take pictures at Disney on the log flume? Take pictures before and after a tasting of some really really stupidly hot sauce.
posted by AugustWest at 12:05 PM on February 25, 2021
You know how they take pictures at Disney on the log flume? Take pictures before and after a tasting of some really really stupidly hot sauce.
posted by AugustWest at 12:05 PM on February 25, 2021
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We were talking about theme parks yesterday and what a nightmare they are - the constant wheedling to get you to spend money on things. I worked for a couple weeks in one and that was... it was gross in a way that was just slightly less than the gross-ness of being a customer. I know a lot of people have really great memories of them and experiences in them and I'm a little envious of that, but also ... I just don't get it. In my head I associate theme parks with the feeling of being preyed upon.
I don't always feel that way though.
A couple years ago I took a bunch of kids to an amusement park for a birthday - (here in Germany). It had no theme, per say, but it was/is apparently a mecca for fans of roller-coasters. I only know this because there were groups of people walking around in T-shirts for their respective roller-coaster clubs. They came from all over. And there were a lot of cool roller coasters - maybe a dozen? All of varying ages and technical sophistication. One was a pseudo-bobsled that went down a bob-sled shaped metal chute, the cars on wheels that moved freely over the chute. It was thrilling because you felt like it really, genuinely, in the right circumstances, might just fly out of the chute.
There was something so single-minded about the whole place (just a freakin lot of roller coasters) that it was - interesting.
Tivoli gardens in Copenhagen is kind of a more traditional amusement park, with an emphasis on Park, which is appealing, but still, it's kinda pricey. The highlight (for me) is the "flying swing?" I don't know what it's called, it's the swings hanging from chains that spin around and then go up in the air. The beauty of this one is that it sits on top of a rise, so you go up a staircase, whatever, then at the top you put the contents of your pockets in a little locker, and get onto a swing. You're aware that you're high up, but only just aware. Then the ride rises and rises and rises until you really feel like you're very much the highest thing in the city, and spinning around. You start thinking about the chains holding you up and wondering if they're really, truly strong enough? And the roof-tops whizzing by below you. Worth the price.
So I guess my dream theme park would be Paris, the city, and for one, maybe two days - it wouldn't cost you anything. Anything you 'buy' you would have to give back at the end of the day, but for that day nothing would cost you anything, you could try and or do anything and everything on offer.
At the end of the day you'd go to sleep in a special bed that, when you woke up, brings you back to your own home. Wherever it would be. And you would only be able to go once.
posted by From Bklyn at 5:29 AM on February 21, 2021 [3 favorites]