Crouton Petting Over IP April 1, 2019 2:31 AM Subscribe

crouton petting, n.

1. the state of feeling or expressing an anthropomorphized fondness, affection, or compassion for inanimate objects
2. the state of just literally petting some actual croutons

MetaFilter has only been able to accommodate that first definition (cf. this discussion among others)...until now. Thanks to recent improvements in both baking and recombinant genetics, we're happy to announce the opening of the world's first interactive Crouton Petting Zoo.

So what can you do at the Crouton Petting Zoo?

- You can browse an endless stream of charming croutons, and learn about their vital stats and defining characteristics
- If you find one you're really fond of, you can also choose to keep them, giving them a home in your personal crouton garden (for example, here's mine). You can have up to six croutons in your garden at once!
- If you've got a crouton living in your garden, you can also choose to edit it to give it a nickname and/or fill out a little bio with additional information.
- You can share links to your garden, as well as to individual croutons (here's Mosh, they're crunchy as hell).
- If you decide you need to make room in your garden for a new crouton, you can set one of your croutons free. They'll still be viewable at their permalink!
- You can pet the croutons. Go for it.

Garden-management features are only for logged in users, but if you're a lurker or just logged out at the moment you can still generate random croutons and look at other people's gardens and individual croutons.

Mind you, Bread Genetics is still a rapidly developing discipline so there may be operational issues with the Petting Zoo; if you run into any trouble, let us know and we'll try and get it sorted out.

posted by cortex (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 2:31 AM (296 comments total) 150 users marked this as a favorite

Look, I don't mean to be a pain, but no matter how you slice it, a maximum of 6 is not really the sort of abundance I had in mind. And dosa croutons are just loafing about! However, thank you for this delightful waffle - apologies if my lack of kulcha has put a damper on the proceedings. I didn't mantou come across so bammy. It really is a cracker of a post and you are always so lavash with your time and effort that I feel I should kisra and make up. Ciabatta, baby!
posted by ninazer0 at 2:44 AM on April 1, 2019 [33 favorites]

My crouton garden is a cute and peaceful place! Thank you!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:02 AM on April 1, 2019 [12 favorites]

Fang, a Salt & Vinegar Scone Crouton
Personality: Choleric
Love Language: Coordinating outfits
Favourite Movie: Eega
Mood: Satisfied

That's the only crouton I need. Thank you.
posted by pracowity at 3:10 AM on April 1, 2019 [19 favorites]

Ok you madman, what the hell is a paleo crouton?

Also I'm hungry and I keep eating my croutons and I feel kind of bad about this except they're all very crunchy and delicious.You say crouton garden and I think salad and then I just can't help it.
posted by loquacious at 3:14 AM on April 1, 2019 [17 favorites]

Mm. Crunchy friends in a liquid broth.
posted by Wolfdog at 3:47 AM on April 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

I find the "set this crouton free" language really befuddling. I want to set the croutons I like free. But then they go away. (I guess this applies to more than just croutons.)

This is fun. Thanks!
posted by eotvos at 3:52 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

I want to set the croutons I like free. But then they go away.

They don't really go away, they're just wild then.
posted by frimble (staff) at 4:28 AM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

I just want to say that I really appreciate how diverse my croutons are, they're from all breads of life, and they each bring their own cultural taste.
posted by Fizz at 4:29 AM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

I love that there are connections to Fanfare and MeFi Music!

Omg the croutons blink and smile. Excuse me while I squee from cuteness overload
posted by rangefinder 1.4 at 4:43 AM on April 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

I am beside myself with glee.
posted by _Mona_ at 4:44 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

So many hard choices!
posted by jgirl at 4:52 AM on April 1, 2019

I see what you did there, cortex.
posted by Rock Steady at 4:55 AM on April 1, 2019 [20 favorites]

Such a lovely hefty boi you found, Rock Steady
posted by frimble (staff) at 4:57 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

AAAAAAaaa look how happy they are when I pet them!

This does not bode well for my productivity today. Though it does bode well for my relaxation levels.
posted by theatro at 4:58 AM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

WHOOSAGOODCARB??? YOU ARE! YES!
posted by mochapickle at 5:06 AM on April 1, 2019 [32 favorites]

While I am generally a Seek and Protect Crouton Advocate I have to admit that all these pure bread croutons look healthy and well looked after. A+++ would recommended breeder.
posted by mce at 5:07 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

They're all good crumbs Cortex.
posted by Fizz at 5:09 AM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

OMG. A crouton in my garden has the same name as my dog growing up.

This is my favourite.
posted by wellred at 5:21 AM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I was sure this was going to be an in-jokey MeFi-themed skin of Cookie Clicker. It's way better than that, though.
posted by gauche at 5:49 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's an in-jokey MeFi-themed skin of Cow Clicker, thanks.
posted by frimble (staff) at 5:52 AM on April 1, 2019 [18 favorites]

If you need some bread, call my name
If you want some toast, you can do the same
If you want to make your self a sandwich
Better slice it up and put stuff in between
If you want to hold on to your bagels
Don't even think about me

If you pet croutons
If you peeeet croutons
If you pet croutons
Set them free
posted by wellred at 5:52 AM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

This ... is not what I was expecting in the new iteration of Animal Crossing. But it's great, and I'll take it all the same. Thanks, MetaNintendo!
posted by Wordshore at 6:02 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

This lovely new Crouton Petting Zoo needs a GRAND OPENING banner atop the Blue, so that more people may share the joy! (ETA: Ah, I see I missed the sidebar link. Still--!)
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:10 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I click the bred.

(This is great, thank you!)
posted by merriment at 6:11 AM on April 1, 2019 [55 favorites]

OMG. My six year old is practically a professional crouton petter and I never had a name for it before. Thank you, Metafilter!
posted by eirias at 6:22 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

P.S. The selection of croutons made me laugh hysterically. Is there a way to put a link to my crouton zoo in my profile? I don't want to lose this insanity.
posted by eirias at 6:26 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

How many croutons are there? Is it a random generator? I didn't add one with my (unusual) first name to my garden and I want her back!

PS I love this.
posted by Mavri at 6:37 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

To link to your own garden, you want to use https://www.metafilter.com/croutons/garden/ and then after "garden/" put your user number, like this for mine:

https://www.metafilter.com/croutons/garden/102200

And then you can pop that in the about section in your profile!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:38 AM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

Generate a new crouton
Visit your garden
what do you mean generate a new crouton am i not meeting real existing croutons here or what
posted by solotoro at 6:40 AM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

This is the only April Fools' Joke I need, and it is INCREDIBLE.

(A few years ago, we were in the bathroom, and my electric toothbrush was dying. I think the battery was dying, so that when you turned it on, instead of spinning at its usual pace, it would operate at about 1/4th of the usual speed, then rotate back, then rotate again at 1/6th the speed, then rotate back, and so on, before sort of just sort of stopping completely after an effort. And I was about to throw it away, even walked over to the trash can with it in my hand, and my husband looked up from whatever he was doing, and was "Aw, look. It's going wub-wub, wub-wub! It's trying so hard."

And then he saw my face, and realized he had Fucked Up.

Years later, that electric tooth is in a place of honor in our bathroom under-the-sink drawer, gently wrapped in an old washcloth with its charging station tucked around it.

We had the toothbrush's replacement die recently, too, and as I was walking it over to the trash can, my husband was thinking about making a joke -- YOU COULD SEE IT ON HIS FACE -- and then he decided we did not need another honorable retirement.)
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:42 AM on April 1, 2019 [81 favorites]

This is the most delightful thing.

Scoundrel (House Atreides!) and Sailor (Prince gifs!) and I are very happy together.
posted by minsies at 6:45 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

If a crouton is in my garden is it only in my garden and no one else can pet it? I am going to feel bad for neglecting croutons if that is the case.
posted by lazuli at 6:48 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

THEY'RE ALL GOOD CROUTONS, CORTEX
posted by joyceanmachine at 6:52 AM on April 1, 2019 [12 favorites]

How did you get Betsy Lewin to do art like my beloved "Click Clack Moo" and "Giggle Giggle Quack"?!?!?
posted by wenestvedt at 6:55 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

a maximum of 6

WHAT!!?!Ⅺ? I came here to confess my constitutional inability to abandon any croutons to face the cruel world alone and find that I am bereft of the ability to hoard croutons? Is there at least some crouton shelter they go to?
posted by XMLicious at 7:00 AM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

Can we get a link to the garden on the https://www.metafilter.com/croutons/ page?
posted by Mitheral at 7:00 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Is this something I'd need to have a salad to understand?
posted by bondcliff at 7:13 AM on April 1, 2019 [12 favorites]

I might be in love with a crouton.
Kotetsu, a Buttery Pita Crouton
posted by Sophie1 at 7:13 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

If a crouton is in my garden is it only in my garden and no one else can pet it? I am going to feel bad for neglecting croutons if that is the case.

If it's in your garden anyone can go to your garden and pet it! Plus croutons get a lot of ambient joy out of one another's company, which is why they're often seen in clusters.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:13 AM on April 1, 2019 [18 favorites]

If it's in your garden anyone can go to your garden and pet it! Plus croutons get a lot of ambient joy out of one another's company, which is why they're often seen in clusters.

Oh, that makes me happy! Yay, communal croutons!

(I don't normally anthropomorphize household items but put a face on them and put them on my computer screen and I get very concerned about their wellbeing, apparently.)
posted by lazuli at 7:21 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

My new crouton is on Team: Get off my lawn. Oh, guys. This is going to take up my whole day.

Pennybags, a Chamomile Brioche Crouton
Team:
Get off my lawn
posted by Sophie1 at 7:24 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

This is wonderful! I only have one crouton in my garden for now, but look forward to having a few more when I get a chance to play with it. Thank you!
posted by gemmy at 7:26 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

You all have no idea how much I needed this today, blessings upon you.
posted by winna at 7:27 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

This is the only April Fools' Joke I need, and it is INCREDIBLE.

So much this. I am on vacation right now and only realized it was April Fools because of my ten-year-old nephew and only even went online because I thought “I wonder what MetaFilter will do” and saw this post and was absolutely delighted. Thank you so much, I love my anchovy crouton. I’m now done with internet for the day with a smile on my face. Hurray!
posted by nickmark at 7:32 AM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

croutons are cubic, wtf are these abominations?
posted by Meatbomb at 7:36 AM on April 1, 2019

I love all y'all.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:37 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Can we move them? I would like to get one of my little guys out from sitting in the sun, over to the shade by the others, plus he is too close to the water.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:41 AM on April 1, 2019 [10 favorites]

I addition to what Eyebrows said about linking to your own garden, to see someone else's garden (if they have one), put their user number behind the last slash in this url: https://www.metafilter.com/croutons/garden/

For example, I just petted all of Sophie1's croutons:
https://www.metafilter.com/croutons/garden/69223
posted by taz (staff) at 7:41 AM on April 1, 2019 [12 favorites]

::SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!::

Bravah. Bravah.
posted by Faintdreams at 7:47 AM on April 1, 2019

I deeply appreciate that this works well on mobile so I can pet my croutons while I'm out and about today. It's very soothing.
posted by Tehhund at 7:49 AM on April 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

OMG you guys Nano McGee saw my crouton garden and wanted to know what it was and now she is petting my croutons! (Content warning: Cuteness overload)
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 7:55 AM on April 1, 2019 [29 favorites]

On the right track but if this is upgraded to a full time brown tab it need features like crunchiness index and a time to soggy rating. Are there originating bread recipes for these?

Vote for crouton.metafilter.com
posted by sammyo at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Crouton Atsume!
posted by Going To Maine at 8:00 AM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

This is very nice and reminded me to go have a look again at my character sheet (link works differently for different folks) made with the 2017 offering.
posted by exogenous at 8:05 AM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I love it.
posted by painquale at 8:05 AM on April 1, 2019

it's pronounced "MEH-fee"

I'm 30 minutes in to this day and already I'm getting sassed by bread.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 8:06 AM on April 1, 2019 [58 favorites]

My crouton's blinking resizes the white box and moves the buttons. Not sure if feature or bug :)
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:09 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

...already I'm getting sassed by bread.

That's a pretty John Prine sentiment:

A bowl of croutons tried to stare me down...
And won.

posted by frimble (staff) at 8:10 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Not sure if feature or bug :)

The best scientists in the the field of Quantum Crumbodynamics are much occupied with that and similar questions.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:11 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

NOT CROUTON-IST BUT WHO WILL THINK OF THE SOUP

THE SOUP
posted by lalochezia at 8:18 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Why can I not have a crouton garden in real life??????
posted by holborne at 8:19 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I no longer understand the internet. If I ever did.
posted by JanetLand at 8:20 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I no longer understand the internet. If I ever did.

you know what can help with that

croutons
posted by lalochezia at 8:21 AM on April 1, 2019 [26 favorites]

scamp has only been in my life for five minutes but if anything happened to him I would kill all of you and then myself

why is the water there, it is too close to my child scamp

do croutons need to drink

when I pet scamp I must refresh before petting scamp again which is a cruel outrage perpetuated by an unjust system

also fully half of the croutons offered to me before accepting scamp into my life were all-dressed; are the others naked by association or merely free of Canada
posted by sciatrix at 8:21 AM on April 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

Daisy, a Honey Butter Bagel Crouton
Team: Take this job and shove it
Love Language: Naps

I have never felt closer to a crouton <3
posted by Is It Over Yet? at 8:24 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Not sure if feature or bug :)

Bug. :(

Why can I not have a crouton garden in real life??????

Mould. :(

...I must refresh before petting scamp again which is a cruel outrage perpetuated by an unjust system

...or wait a little bit...

all-dressed

No one is trying to sneak Canadianisms into the croutons. No one at all. shiftyeyes.gif
posted by frimble (staff) at 8:24 AM on April 1, 2019 [16 favorites]

I'm 30 minutes in to this day and already I'm getting sassed by bread.

When does it usually start sassing you?
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:29 AM on April 1, 2019 [21 favorites]

This makes me ridiculously happy.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:35 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I honestly cried about this. I cry about EVERYTHING but yes this is one more thing I cried about.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:37 AM on April 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

This brings me great joy.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:38 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Please pet my croutons so I can work.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 8:41 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Probably someone should be That Guy.... I can't read my crouton's names in the garden with the "visited link" color in the classic theme. This is not particular important but I figured someone should speak up for Classic Croutons.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 8:42 AM on April 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

> Why can I not have a crouton garden in real life??????

Mould. :(

If you just limit yourself to extremophile croutons, for example Nordic rye bread croutons, you could get yourself a little croutonnerarium going... maybe pull all the shelves out of a wine refrigerator and arrange a little Arctic scene with skiing croutons and skating croutons and croutons lying in the snow making crouton angels... perhaps a modified atmosphere to further inhibit microbe growth.

We have the technology! You could at least make it last as long as an indoor garden garden.
posted by XMLicious at 8:49 AM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Only my Lucille appears to enjoy being patted, my other croutons are content to sit at peace in the sun.
posted by winna at 8:52 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

┬┴┬┴┤(･_├┬┴┬┴
posted by tofu_crouton at 8:55 AM on April 1, 2019 [35 favorites]

If only I had a penguin... , croutons petted. Kuro looked especially pleased.
posted by lazuli at 9:10 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yeah I'm with XMLicious. We can have real crouton garden's but like anything worth doing, it might not be trivially easy. The simplest way I think would be to keep them in a terrarium-style sealed enclosure and periodically rotate in some re-usable desiccant.
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:15 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

SUPPOSED to be working on an assignment. Instead, I am plotting a landscape of my crouton garden in gouache.

Thanks so much for the whimsy in my day!
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 9:16 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Goddamnit, I love Metafilter so much.
posted by palomar at 9:22 AM on April 1, 2019 [10 favorites]

For those who didn't immediately realize: whether you're viewing an individual crouton on its own page or within your garden, you can click it to "pet" it!

I love this. Thank you.
posted by brainwane at 9:29 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

I met a really adorable crouton but I found out their favorite movie is Hacksaw Ridge and now I've been milkshake ducked by a crouton I only wanted to pet.

(Also, I love this so much, it's a joy.)
posted by mixedmetaphors at 9:41 AM on April 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

I appreciate this place every day, but especially on April 1. This is glorious. Thank you all for taking time from your modding duties to make something like this happen.
posted by okayokayigive at 9:45 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

you can click it to "pet" it!

Did that with Daisy and now I feel like Joe Biden.
posted by sammyo at 9:50 AM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

You know, if we could buy hats or outfits or vegetables or salad dressing for our croutons....
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:53 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Not just the croutons we need, but also the croutons we deserve.

Thanks for keeping the internet weird!
posted by nubs at 10:03 AM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I've had to refuse several croutons for being Team: New Towel For Every Day Of The Week.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:05 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

I believe Cortex may have had something to do with this.

posted by DigDoug at 10:06 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Love Language: Grammar pedantery

*twitch*

You did that on purpose, didn't you?
posted by jedicus at 10:06 AM on April 1, 2019 [29 favorites]

Did that with Daisy and now I feel like Joe Biden.

My framing assumption is that there may exist croutons that do not want us to pet them, and that cortex asked all the croutons, "who wants people to pet them?" and saw who enthusiastically smiled and moved toward him, and is only introducing those croutons to us. So all of these croutons have opted in to us petting them.
posted by brainwane at 10:12 AM on April 1, 2019 [16 favorites]

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Awwww, thanks for noticing!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 10:16 AM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

what do you mena
posted by cortex (staff) at 10:16 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I love all my croutons. Minka, who is Team: On your lawn; Grimalkin, who's love language is cuddles, just like the rest of my family; Puddles, a wary salt & vinegar biscuit; Mochi, who's love language is bad jokes; and Esmeralda, a toffee challah crouton whose sign is Draco. So much love.
posted by Margalo Epps at 10:21 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm having a sudden and inexplicable urge for caesar salad.
posted by jenkinsEar at 10:23 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I needed this today.

Actually, who am I kidding, I need this every day. Thank you, metafilter mods. You da best.
posted by tuesdayschild at 10:31 AM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I had a crouton with Team: Shoes off in the house and then I went looking for a buddy, and got one with Team: Shoes on in the house, and I just couldn't do that to Horace. I'll accept Love Language: Road trips, though.
posted by fedward at 10:40 AM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

It bothers me that the gate is open. What if someone sneaks in and pets my croutons? Or worse?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:50 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Cromch?
posted by wellred at 10:51 AM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Nobody will hurt these croutons, jacquilynne. Our gardens are part of a large, safe crouton-sanctuary.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:08 AM on April 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

You did that on purpose, didn't you?

I have a hard time believing they would do anything on porpoise.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 11:16 AM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oh man, this is so gentle and nice I just want to keep petting croutons. It's almost like you all made a clicker game without even calling it a clicker game.
posted by mathowie (retired) at 11:18 AM on April 1, 2019 [19 favorites]

We choose to place croutons in our gardens and to pet them, not because they are spongy, but because they are hard.

This is seriously awesome.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 11:19 AM on April 1, 2019 [16 favorites]

It's almost like you all made a clicker game without even calling it a clicker game.

Hah! I'd just been thinking I found a replacement for the Shark Game!

I feel like everyone else is adopting their croutons based on team. I adopted mine based on flavour.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 11:55 AM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

*inserts html tags to see if they work in the Crouton Nickname or Bio fields - fails miserably*

Damn it - now I'll never be able to trick browsers into playing "Just Eat It" when looking at my crouton garden.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 12:06 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

One of the test croutons was nicknamed Bobby Tables.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:08 PM on April 1, 2019 [35 favorites]

As of just now, my exploratory survey identified 1732 croutons. However, this number is growing rapidly, and I am concerned we may soon have an infestation on our hands. Already the number has climbed to 1764!

I believe we need a Crouton Census. In order to [plate and] serve croutons, it is vital that we know things such as: What fraction of croutons reside in a garden? What is the average amount time that a crouton resides in a garden, before being freed to make space for another? How many gardens have fewer than 6 croutons for an extended period of time? Are there characteristics (say, fractal dimension) that influence the probability that a crouton will be added to a garden?

Also, I am now a little sad that I cannot adopt old stray croutons. It is nice that they let me pet them, though.
posted by Westringia F. at 12:15 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

My rainbow (!!) crouton Yeti feels especially powerful
posted by churl at 12:18 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Welp, now I need to buy some more clay so I can have an anthropomorphic crouton on my desk for IRL petting needs.
posted by Ruki at 12:21 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

My lack of molars twinges at me when I read this thread
posted by infini at 12:25 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Did that with Daisy and now I feel like Joe Biden.

My framing assumption is that there may exist croutons that do not want us to pet them, and that cortex asked all the croutons, "who wants people to pet them?" and saw who enthusiastically smiled and moved toward him, and is only introducing those croutons to us. So all of these croutons have opted in to us petting them.

One of my croutons winks awkwardly at me when I pet it. Between the two of us, I feel like he is the real Joe Biden.
posted by eirias at 12:26 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

*plays around*

fuck me, this is real. Can we keep this garden as a link in our profiles PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAASE??
posted by infini at 12:27 PM on April 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

I’m glad the mods went with this rather than the ideas Fizz, Johnny Wallflower, and Wordshore suggested. *shudder*
posted by GenjiandProust at 12:29 PM on April 1, 2019 [15 favorites]

Love Language: Grammar pedantery in finland
posted by infini at 12:30 PM on April 1, 2019

I just got a House Hufflepuff rainbow-colored zesty Italian multigrain crouton and my life is now complete.
posted by skycrashesdown at 12:32 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Take the croutons bowling. Take them bowling.
posted by hototogisu at 12:37 PM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Faust, a Cheddar Crostini Crouton
Team: Get off my lawn

I'm in love
posted by infini at 12:38 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I wish there were a way to browse the adopted croutons and see what nicknames and bios they've grown. Like generate new crouton but make it one that's already been adopted.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 12:41 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

fuck me, this is real. Can we keep this garden as a link in our profiles PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAASE??

Go for it; these little bread folx aren't gonna wink out of existing on April 2nd or anything.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:48 PM on April 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

Go for it; these little bread folx aren't gonna wink out of existing on April 2nd or anything.

I had to drop a few database tables full of croutons in late testing stages. There were tears. Making them go away would be SO cruel.
posted by frimble (staff) at 12:52 PM on April 1, 2019 [10 favorites]

My crouton held the paintbrush that got Jo in the face.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 1:10 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I felt bad letting Grizzly go, but my garden was full and I had to save Horace. We members of Team Wedding etiquette standards must be upheld are not so plentiful these days that I could afford to let my teammate languish in the Wild.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:18 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I had to save Horace. We members of Team Wedding etiquette standards must be upheld are not so plentiful these days that I could afford to let my teammate languish in the Wild.

Ummm....I own Horace. And you must be confused, Prince is Team Wedding etiquette standards must be upheld.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:23 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I edited my beloved Chippy for If only I had a penguin...
posted by wellred at 1:25 PM on April 1, 2019

Maybe we could get my Horace and your Prince together? Think of the fabulosity and exacting standards in the giant Gay Carb Wedding that would result if they clicked!
posted by jacquilynne at 1:26 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

wellred's Chippy: reincarbnation!!!! omg crouton metaphysics! <3
posted by taz (staff) at 1:32 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Maybe our gardens are the Good Place for croutons?????
posted by taz (staff) at 1:33 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Is... is it wrong to eat other people's croutons?

Asking for a friend.
posted by loquacious at 1:51 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wish there were a way to browse the adopted croutons and see what nicknames and bios they've grown. Like generate new crouton but make it one that's already been adopted.

Maybe croutons should come and visit your garden…
posted by frimble (staff) at 1:54 PM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Wowwwwww.
posted by desuetude at 1:54 PM on April 1, 2019

When is the augmented reality version coming out? I wanna run around the local parks playing CroutonPet Go.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:55 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

true menger croutons do not belong in this garden

how can you pet a curve with a topological dimension of 1

wake up sheeple

the LIBERALS with their FANCY TOPOLOGICAL TRICKS are out to POLLUTE your SOUP
posted by lalochezia at 1:56 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Still searching for croutons named Shelby and Ricky...
posted by MonkeyToes at 1:59 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

scamp has only been in my life for five minutes but if anything happened to him I would kill all of you and then myself
why is the water there, it is too close to my child scamp

Scamp's lifestyle is "seafaring." Scamp likes to live dangerously.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 2:02 PM on April 1, 2019 [10 favorites]

Has anyone seen any tofu croutons? I feel I need a tofu crouton.
posted by loquacious at 2:02 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wasabi, an Anchovy Gluten-free Crouton, visited my garden!
posted by Little Dawn at 2:03 PM on April 1, 2019

As of just now, my exploratory survey identified 1732 croutons

No one knows where they came from or why. By the end of Day 1, or 1 AC (After Croutons) as it would be later known, their numbers had grown cruton-entially into the billions.....

(2103 as of this post)
posted by inflatablekiwi at 2:16 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

how can you pet a curve with a topological dimension of 1

Gently, of course.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:27 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also bug report: There doesn't appear to be a text only version of the croutons for the Metafilter Text Reader. Where should I file that important feature request?

And is the bread emoji 🍞 the closest to crouton? Because if so, it's not very good.
posted by inflatablekiwi at 2:30 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

this is the best thing ever and i don't know how my life will improve after today
posted by numaner at 2:34 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I found a trans pride crouton!

This is hella cute. Thanks.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 2:45 PM on April 1, 2019 [15 favorites]

My salad.
posted by loquacious at 2:47 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

As I wind down with actively fixing things and roll toward midnight, I want to say thanks to the other staff for contributing so much work on this and making my role in this year's April 1st less fiddly than it might have been.

And seriously, thanks to you for enjoying it. Every year, somewhere toward the middle of building a silly idea, there's a bit of self-doubt that I have to work through, when I'm thinking, "I'm animating croutons" or "I'm building a 'gopher' browser in jQuery" and wondering who else would even find it fun. So the fact that, at the end of it all, it made some people happy, is actually a relief.
posted by frimble (staff) at 2:51 PM on April 1, 2019 [51 favorites]

I adore all the croutons and will have a difficult (but fun) time selecting a set of six for my garden.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 2:55 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

You did good, frimble.
posted by cortex (staff) at 2:56 PM on April 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

OK, the whole thing is wonderful but for some reason the part that sends it over the top for me is the visiting crouton function.
posted by ITheCosmos at 3:04 PM on April 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

So the fact that, at the end of it all, it made some people happy, is actually a relief.

Well, you made me happy, frimble, so thank you! (And thanks to all who worked on this. Much appreciated.)
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:09 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter April Fools projects are an embodiment of what I love about this (virtual) place! Kind and pleasant geekery for the sake of goodness and fun. frimble, I really appreciate the work you and the mods put into these!
posted by filthy light thief at 3:10 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I have not edited any of the croutons in my garden since I'm engaging in low-intervention crouton farming.

Thanks frimble and all involved - this has been a wonderfully amusing April Fools.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:15 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Not that Box's Shakespeare hasn't been a lovely guest, but how do I replace my visitor with a new one?
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:31 PM on April 1, 2019

Especially if frimble's in bed, the croutons go where they will. So, just have to wait until a new one comes by -- maybe a couple hours, they like good long visits.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:35 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

The problem with this, which is sort of inherent to the whole concept raised by the original comment, is that I want to see all the croutons but clicking "I would like to see a different crouton" fills me with deep sadness as I feel like the crouton I'm currently looking at may feel rejected.
posted by Dext at 3:47 PM on April 1, 2019 [22 favorites]

The problem with this, which is sort of inherent to the whole concept raised by the original comment, is that I want to see all the croutons but clicking "I would like to see a different crouton" fills me with deep sadness as I feel like the crouton I'm currently looking at may feel rejected.

OH WAIT! I didn't notice that there was a "garden" and that I can keep more than one crouton. I thought it was a single and final choice I had to make.

Game-changer. As you were, everyone, I'll be busy testing how many croutons I can keep and snuggle and love before it causes some sort of overflow in the code and everything breaks.
posted by Dext at 3:50 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

but how do I pet them on mobile

(I have a visitor!!)
posted by Space Kitty at 3:53 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I no joke gasped out loud when I checked my garden and saw a visitor. Hello friend!
posted by joyceanmachine at 4:05 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

My newest crouton introduced me to a Mefi Music song by ignignokt about a smoking crab. Everyone in this story is getting petted or favourited.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 4:25 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

pony request: keto option
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:32 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

only 3 net carbs
posted by some loser at 4:41 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Is there at least some crouton shelter they go to?

They go to a soup farm upstate.

This is the absolute best of the web.

I love you guys.
posted by freya_lamb at 4:45 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

Oh, Matilda. Finally, a being that loves naps as much as I do.
posted by yoga at 4:46 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I just boiled some packaged raviolis and they all puffed up and swam to the top of the pot and I wanted to give them all crouton names but maybe ravioli have their own traditions?
posted by moonmilk at 4:48 PM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Ralph has been hanging out with my croutons for the last little while.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:53 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I got curious if my croutons were visiting others, so I started traversing the visitor graph to see if I would ever get back to my own garden.

I didn't find a cycle before getting to Twain Device's garden, which at the moment seems to be being visited by a phantom crouton named Scoundrel. Maybe it's my connection, but he doesn't seem to have either a companion garden or a picture. This can only mean one thing:

Somebody ate Scoundrel.
posted by Westringia F. at 5:16 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yay, Rocket's favorite book is Walkable City Rules. I always wanted an urbanist crouton!
posted by ferret branca at 5:28 PM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

but how do I pet them on mobile

Tap on the crouton (not it's name) as though the crouton were a link you wanted to go to. If it changes it's expression, you'll know it worked.
posted by Margalo Epps at 5:29 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Somebody ate Scoundrel was the opening act for Mötley Crüeton's Too Stale for Salad tour in 1981.
posted by peeedro at 5:55 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

If it changes it's expression, you'll know it worked.

My dearest Mashtato just winked at me!
posted by MonkeyToes at 6:00 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I really thought the high point of today was going to be the new Santa Clarita Diet episodes on Netflix but then these lovable little rectangular prisms entered my life.
posted by selfmedicating at 6:26 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

There are visiting croutons!?
posted by betweenthebars at 6:40 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

The problem with this, which is sort of inherent to the whole concept raised by the original comment, is that I want to see all the croutons but clicking "I would like to see a different crouton" fills me with deep sadness as I feel like the crouton I'm currently looking at may feel rejected.

This is why I selected, more or less, the first six croutons I saw and will remain with those croutons. I saw something on Facebook yesterday that was like "Paw Promise" or something and talked about how once you have a pet, you keep the pet no matter what, and apparently this generalizes in my brain to computer croutons.

Paw promise, little carb cubes. Paw promise.
posted by lazuli at 6:40 PM on April 1, 2019 [13 favorites]

I have a friend with the nickname Crouton, Destroyer of Worlds, and she said this made her day!
I even made her a crouton
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:43 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I saw something on Facebook yesterday that was like "Paw Promise" or something and talked about how once you have a pet, you keep the pet no matter what,

A little off-topic, but I once had a conversation with someone thinking of getting a dog who had previously had dogs 3 times and each time given them away shortly after getting them because they did dog-things (chewing/barking/peeing etc.). And I said to him, "Look, if you're going to get another dog, you need to think about it like having a kid." and he said "You mean you have to train them." and I said "No, I mean the opposite. You can try to train them, I guess, but in the end you're stuck with what you get and that's your kid no matter what."

He got a dog. He still has the dog.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 6:44 PM on April 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I am never going to be able to close out of my crouton garden because I'd feel awful if my crouton companions thought I didn't want to pet them anymore.
posted by DingoMutt at 6:53 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Sherlock, a Cinnamon Raisin French Bread Crouton
Lifestyle: Bourgeois
Love Language: Cuddles

It's me in crouton form.
posted by Tehhund at 6:56 PM on April 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

So many new tabs!
posted by rhizome at 7:14 PM on April 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

my crouton's given name is buttons
its nickname is butts lol
posted by not_on_display at 7:22 PM on April 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

MonkeyToes - Yes!

This is just perfectly adorable.

"Guthrie is visiting" and very welcome my darling
posted by kitten magic at 7:30 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

I've read the word crouton too much and now it looks weird
posted by lesser weasel at 7:31 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

It worked! Thanks Margalo Epps!
posted by Space Kitty at 7:44 PM on April 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

My apartment doesn't allow pets this can never go away.
posted by Going To Maine at 8:28 PM on April 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Somebody ate Scoundrel.

I didn't eat that one.

I may have nibbled on some visitors.

I promise I didn't intentionally clone any particularly delicious croutons or raise them in gladiator arenas of spicy winter kale and blanched nettles.

I still think the lack of any kind of tofu crouton is a dire oversight. I mean, have you ever even seen a nicely toasted, steaming hot fried tofu cube all on it's own outside of a meal?

If one were to pet a vaguely cube shaped bit of processed, cooked grains - a spongy, squidgy, warm bit of tofu might be the best of them. I mean it has round corners and is not harsh or brittle. It adapts to many scenarios and scenes, or flavors if you will. It will survive freezing and, err, wok stir frying. It can be spicy and savory or mild, or sweet and dessert. It can be very low fat or not at all.

Sure, it may not be crunchy, but is it pet-able? It certainly is.
posted by loquacious at 11:14 PM on April 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I have a very colorful garden!
posted by tavella at 11:15 PM on April 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

This is lovely and I read it just after reading about #pupsofjay on the front page. What a great start to my day!
posted by Harald74 at 11:35 PM on April 1, 2019

eeeeeeeeeeeee I have visitors in my garden!!
posted by infini at 12:50 AM on April 2, 2019

frimble and the mods rock for the bestest present ever! We need a default link to this in every fuckety fuck thread to ease our cortisol levels
posted by infini at 4:03 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

So a slight update on how your croutons are doing. Wild croutons visiting gardens have started bringing gifts with them and all the croutons have started, if they have something another crouton wants, giving it away.
posted by frimble (staff) at 4:21 AM on April 2, 2019 [15 favorites]

*pets frimble*
posted by infini at 4:33 AM on April 2, 2019 [9 favorites]

It bothers me that the gate is open.

I hope that it's bothering you less now that you see why it's open.
posted by frimble (staff) at 4:46 AM on April 2, 2019 [6 favorites]

It bothers me that the gate is open.

I prefer the mobile version where there is no fence or gate so the croutons are free to roam and explore. The desktop site looks like they're on a farm with a pen and a few trees all of the same species, while the mobile site looks like they're on a hiking adventure in the hills. Both are nice but hiking > pen.
posted by Tehhund at 5:12 AM on April 2, 2019

Dear Frimble, I wouldn't hate being able to link/embed my crouton garden on my user page. It's not like I update flickr anymore.
posted by DigDoug at 5:13 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

I hope that it's bothering you less now that you see why it's open.

Indeed!
posted by jacquilynne at 5:25 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't hate being able to link/embed my crouton garden on my user page.

The plan was originally to allow you to pick a favourite crouton and have that one live on your profile page. But then it seemed a little unfair to make you pick just one of the six as your favourite.

Fitting the entire garden there is a bit much, though, so I'll consider the profile page thing a little more.
posted by frimble (staff) at 5:40 AM on April 2, 2019 [6 favorites]

"If one were to pet a vaguely cube shaped bit of processed, cooked grains - a spongy, squidgy, warm bit of tofu might be the best of them."

Tofu's a processed legume!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:44 AM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

What about just a link to our gardens on our profile pages?
posted by infini at 5:48 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

oh em gee the gifts! My crouton just got a tomatillo pillow. Thanks, frimble; you are awesome.
posted by lazuli at 5:50 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Tofu's a processed legume!

Just to muddy the waters because I'm feeling perverse, soybeans are considered a "grain legume".

None of my little folx seem to have received any gifts :( But it was nice of Pirate to pay us a visit :)
posted by solotoro at 6:17 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had to set another crouton free to allow her to stay, but look how shiny Minu is!
posted by jacquilynne at 6:33 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

You can make a link yourself, I mean, I did!
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:45 AM on April 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hmmm. A crouton named Napoleon just joined my garden. Not like, as a visitor, so far as I can tell. Is this a Napoleon of Crime? Are my sweet croutons in danger?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:48 AM on April 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

I see this text under your garden: "Napoleon is visiting and gave a carrot chew toy to Adelbert." I can't vouch for Napoleon's trustworthiness, however.

But how much damage could one little guy do?
posted by taz (staff) at 7:09 AM on April 2, 2019 [5 favorites]

Frito is visiting and gave a parsley shawl to Pirate. Someone please adopt Frito! I'm at my maximum and made a paw promise. (Crumb commitment?)
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 8:34 AM on April 2, 2019

Kurumi gave my Whirlygig a hard boiled egg daybed. Anyone got a spinach blankie?

This is seriously soothing my rage at a thing that happened this morning, thank you.
posted by wellred at 8:36 AM on April 2, 2019

Well played, tofu_crouton.
posted by loquacious at 8:42 AM on April 2, 2019

Announcement:

Fella, the trans pride Honey Mustard Biscuit Crouton is visiting my garden and I love them so very much. Their love language is Affirmation. I affirm your inherent worth and dignity, Fella. You are the best Honey Mustard Biscuit Crouton. Thank you for being you.
posted by Is It Over Yet? at 8:42 AM on April 2, 2019 [9 favorites]

this is a frigging delight
posted by goodbyewaffles at 8:46 AM on April 2, 2019

Tofu's a processed legume!

You're a processed legume!!
posted by loquacious at 8:50 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ergot croutons!
posted by clavdivs at 8:52 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

"Moe is visiting and gave an asparagus scratching post to Beagle"

Awww.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:55 AM on April 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

This is even better today. Thank you for this ongoing delight!
posted by mixedmetaphors at 8:56 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Hmmm. A crouton named Napoleon just joined my garden. Not like, as a visitor, so far as I can tell. Is this a Napoleon of Crime? Are my sweet croutons in danger?

They're good croutons, Bront.
posted by nubs at 8:56 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ok you nerds - I'm assuming this one is cortex' fault - but is that really a Sierpinski cube or Menger sponge crouton?

Now I absolutely need to experience fractal croutons of indeterminate surface area on a salad made out of fractal vegetables, like those trippy Romanesco broccoli heads..

Is there some way we could 3D print bread crumbs and an emulsion of olive oil and herbs and then toast it into solid, crunchy shapes?
posted by loquacious at 9:00 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ergot croutons!

Brilliant. *winks at clavdivs, adds mushrooms to the fractal salad*
posted by loquacious at 9:02 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Eggnog croutons you say?
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:09 AM on April 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hell, all my croutons are agog! You never saw so much blinking, and winking, and glinting, and squinting, and twinkling.
posted by taz (staff) at 9:15 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Incidentally: is there a list somewhere of the various hidden MeFi curiosities like this?
posted by escape from the potato planet at 9:26 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Here's a list of past April Fool's jokes
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 9:28 AM on April 2, 2019 [5 favorites]

Iris is visiting, but has not brought any gifts. That's okay, we like you anyway.
posted by PearlRose at 9:30 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Seconding that I love the FanFare links and that croutons are cute and fun and good. Thanks, y'all!
posted by asperity at 9:35 AM on April 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wish they had a line item that said what their pronouns are. I don’t want to accidentally refer to a crouton in a hurtful way.
posted by matildaben at 10:05 AM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

I love this so much! Thank you!!! One of my croutons's love languages is "ranting about people being wrong on the internet" and I can so relate.
posted by sockermom at 10:35 AM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

This has brought me inexpressible joy.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 10:52 AM on April 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

Why so many new tabs? :(
posted by bendy at 12:08 PM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

D'awwww Whirlygig paid it forward to Henri.
posted by wellred at 12:41 PM on April 2, 2019

I note a drag and drop function that currently achieves nothing but hoping for future opportunities...

I never thought I'd be dying to go pet a crouton at the end of a long day
posted by infini at 12:46 PM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

Croutons 1 through 6 are missing (earliest appears to be Juno, a Wild Shallot Gluten-free Crouton), and a whole bunch of early croutons don't have companions. That's perfect! Every good religion needs some elders with missing / vague background stories.

(the error message is so apologetic when a crouton can't be found - it actually feels like someone went looking and is reporting back that they failed to find the poor wee thing)
(also the message below the edit window should really be Note: Everyone needs a ~~hug~~ crouton for this thread)

posted by inflatablekiwi at 3:21 PM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

My son was traumatized by the eventual disappearance of the Pac-Man version of Google Maps, so he doesn't want to get attached to this. But he and my daughter capital-L Love this anyway.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 6:09 PM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

How can i send my croutons to visit?
posted by calgirl at 6:44 PM on April 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

I’m glad the mods went with this rather than the ideas Fizz, Johnny Wallflower, and Wordshore suggested. *shudder*

There was NOTHING wrong with "Poo Zoo", and brown is a very underused color in games and simulations anyway. Maybe next year, Cortex?
posted by Wordshore at 8:56 PM on April 2, 2019 [5 favorites]

I just placed a library hold on a book recommended by one of my croutons. Thanks, Jillaroo!
posted by lazuli at 10:08 PM on April 2, 2019 [8 favorites]

I think you will love that book, lazuli! I was sad to finish it, and actually got Kurumi, an Anchovy Low-carb Crouton whose fave book is "Circe," the day after I had finished reading it. Definitely a crouton with good taste. :D
posted by taz (staff) at 11:27 PM on April 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

Hugs all croutons so tight that there might be crumbs
posted by infini at 12:16 AM on April 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

I cannot confirm nor deny if croutons 1-6 were delicious.
posted by loquacious at 1:12 AM on April 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hey so just letting everyone know that I'm starting a crowdfund to bake a poo cake and mail it to Wordshore.

You can vote for devil's food, checkerboard, red velvet, German chocolate, marble pound cake or lava fudge brownie.

If you are interested in making other deposits there will be a sign up after cake voting is complete.
posted by loquacious at 1:18 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Fundraising idea: pay to increase the size of your crouton garden. And pay for hats for our croutons! HATS HATS HATS!
posted by Tehhund at 4:20 AM on April 3, 2019 [9 favorites]

Friends, Romans, countrymen–lend me your ears! My salads' croutons will conquer the world! In fashionable hats!
posted by XMLicious at 5:58 AM on April 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

There was NOTHING wrong with "Poo Zoo",

At least cortex vetoed “Cruel Stool School.”

You did veto it, didn’t you, cortex?
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:33 AM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

I was certain I was not going to get rid of any croutons, so once I had chosen six and my garden was full, that would be my permanent collection, but I that was before I knew there were colourful croutons. And then I got a crouton named Hana, which is the name of my beloved niece, so I had to keep that one. And one whose love language was naps.

And now all of my original 6 croutons are gone.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:35 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

And now all of my original 6 croutons are gone.

Is that the faint aroma of French onion soup I smell wafting from your garden? I don't even want to ask the fate of those original six croutons...
posted by gusottertrout at 7:25 AM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

NONE OF THE CROUTONS GET EATEN
THEY ARE ALL FINE
They're all happy and nobody eats them
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:50 AM on April 3, 2019 [13 favorites]

It's like some of you don't even understand crouton petting, I swear.
posted by The corpse in the library at 7:50 AM on April 3, 2019 [17 favorites]

If you are interested in making other deposits

LOQUACIOUS
posted by eirias at 8:20 AM on April 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

I would very much like a plush toy crouton now.
posted by sarcasticah at 8:22 AM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]

How I regret not really noticing/making time for petting croutons until just now. Wow, you guys. This is so so great. Thank you frimble and cortex and whomever else deserves thanks (have not had time to read this thread in full because too busy petting croutons).

Also, may I just ask how in hell y'all came up with Nimrod, a Crouton-Flavored Whole Wheat Crouton? In case some of you have yet to meet Nimrod, here's an introduction:

Nimrod is on Team: Shoes off in the house
Personality: Knowledgeable
House: Slytherin
Love Language: Bad jokes

I need the answer to my question because I have not only met Nimrod in real life, but also I have dated Nimrod in real life. Like, twice. Although both Nimrods were wonderful human beings in their various/differing knowledgeable and bad-jokey ways, I absolutely do not want to date another Nimrod. Petting a Nimrod, however, makes me happy. Very happy. Thanks, folks. This has made my day, no fooling.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:37 AM on April 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

*progresses to heavy petting*
posted by infini at 9:01 AM on April 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Why were the croutons NOT full VR/AR 3D immersive with an option to plug in the Oculus goggles for a super close inspection of all sides and, orifices with haptic glove, cough, activation, hmm, hmm, nudge nudge, wink wink?
posted by sammyo at 9:20 AM on April 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

"Also, may I just ask how in hell y'all came up with Nimrod, a Crouton-Flavored Whole Wheat Crouton?"

My 7-year-old contributed "Crouton-Flavored." Also Rainbow Chard. He's pretty proud of himself.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 9:24 AM on April 3, 2019 [14 favorites]

I'm visiting another university to give a seminar and my hosts took me to dinner and there were three croutons in my soup and I had an overwhelming impulse to pet them in polite professional company

help

Although hand-petting your croutons in public is not, at present, generally accepted (or particularly advised) few find it objectionable to provide them with a light scratch using the back of the tines of your salad fork. In case of soup, one to (no more than) three gentle spoon-taps is, likewise, permissable (and beneficial for ascertaining the cronchiness of your croute).
posted by notquitemaryann at 11:31 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

A plush toy crouton with hats!
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 11:59 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

... my very first autogenerated crouton's "sign" is the pseudonym I've used 99% of everywhere else on the Internet since 1996, and their favorite song is the song Mr. Kouti and I sang to each other at our wedding.

EM EFF EEEE OHHH.

*goes to catch up on what this newfangled version of crouton petting is*
posted by Pandora Kouti at 12:24 PM on April 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

This is great, because I also select my real-world pets on the basis of their potential deliciousness.
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:55 PM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

Thank you frimble and cortex and whomever else deserves thanks

The whole team, in fact! Brainstorming April Fools projects is basically always a team effort these days, and and generating all the little details that make it cohere likewise, with everybody playing to their respective strengths. frimble did all the infrastructural work and so gets all the credit for this having actual moving parts, but everybody pitched in on coming up with the various whats and whys like editable bios, various characteristics, allllll the content of each of those variables like name and flavor and seasoning and love language and so on. To say nothing of coming back around and organizing and winnowing stuff down as we got up to launch day.

It's always kind of a goofy collective scramble getting these things together and I couldn't hope for a better team of folks to do it with.
posted by cortex (staff) at 5:17 PM on April 3, 2019 [23 favorites]

Please please please make crouton enamel pins please
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:19 PM on April 3, 2019 [6 favorites]

My but MeeeFights are a demanding bunch, not that I would say no to hats or pins. Minka is visiting and gave a cheese cottage to my delightful crouton Kit while I was having some cottage cheese for breakfast. Minka for the win! So nice to have something silly to engage in instead of compulsively checking Google News. Thanks again to the entire team for the delightful outcome of your lovely, goofy collective scramble.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:54 AM on April 4, 2019

Tolstoy is currently visiting my garden. When I click on Tolstoy I see he is part of each day we work's garden, and when I visit EDWW's garden I see...Tolstoy! Hanging out in another garden!

Soooooooo, I'm going to need an update on how exactly space and reality work in Crouton Land.
posted by medusa at 4:14 AM on April 4, 2019 [3 favorites]

Neighbouring pastures. I've decided they just amble over to the edge of their own pasture to visit the one next door. Like old men in small towns chatting over a shared fence.

Of course, that means every crouton pasture has like hundreds of neighbouring pastures, but you can't win 'em all.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:10 AM on April 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

brown is a very underused color in games

Never played Borderlands, huh?
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:25 AM on April 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

So a day or so ago, one of my croutons got a tomato slice blanket as a gift from a visitor. I check today, and see that he has given that blanket as a gift to the current visitor.

I love how kind and generous these croutons are.

I'm going to need an update on how exactly space and reality work in Crouton Land.

Croutons: Into the Crouton-Verse
posted by nubs at 8:11 AM on April 4, 2019 [5 favorites]

Despite the shape diversity of our croutons, it seems like in Crouton Land, Time is a probably a Cube?
posted by jacquilynne at 8:32 AM on April 4, 2019 [1 favorite]

Time is a probably a Cube?

There are many theories - Cube; Oblong; Menger Sponge. But I think it is more like Jeremy Bearimy
posted by nubs at 8:38 AM on April 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

Time is like a slice of radish.
posted by rhizome at 3:05 PM on April 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

In the Crouton-Verse the temporal field is a result of fundamental force interactions between chroniton-croutoniton pairs within the particle salad. Ranch dressing is on the side but plays a role as well.
posted by XMLicious at 5:29 PM on April 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

Tell me what thy breadly name is on the night's croutonian shore!
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:35 PM on April 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm already very attached and I love them. Thank you.
posted by smashface at 8:24 PM on April 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

Awww, a visiting crouton gave one of mine a present!
posted by rjs at 9:09 AM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Tell me what thy breadly name is on the night's croutonian shore!

Quoth the crouton, "Nevermore"
posted by nubs at 9:25 AM on April 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

I only found the garden yesterday so I was late for April Fools, but I never want to leave my bucolic crouton menagerie ever again. this is really lovely. merci à tous!
posted by fregoli at 11:09 AM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

My poor croutons are almost in tears, they haven't received any gift yet :(
posted by infini at 12:08 PM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

You should go pet them, of course.
posted by rjs at 12:17 PM on April 5, 2019 [3 favorites]

Though it's possible that one of your croutons already received a gift from one visitor and passed it on to the next. Apparently these gentle creatures have surprisingly complicated social lives.
posted by rjs at 12:29 PM on April 5, 2019 [6 favorites]

Then we need a history of these activities, just the way ours are available ;p
posted by infini at 12:33 PM on April 5, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yeah it's a crouton potlatch
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 3:03 PM on April 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Why do some of my croutons now show exclamation points after their names?
posted by medusa at 6:58 PM on April 7, 2019

It's because they have a gift! Only shows on mobile, though.
posted by tavella at 7:56 PM on April 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Ha! I got my first gift, a cube of ham! Thanks to the exclamation point
posted by infini at 2:06 AM on April 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Thanxclamation point
posted by Wolfdog at 10:29 AM on April 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Only shows on mobile, though.

I'm seeing it on desktop today.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 11:05 AM on April 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

As a certified actual Crouton Petter, I love this, but am horrified at the idea of rejecting croutons? Who could do such a thing???
posted by greenish at 11:21 AM on April 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

I have been greatly enjoying the project of crouton-hopping, which involves following the breadcrumb trail made by visiting croutons and their respective Metafilter users' gardens. Go until you meet an untamed crouton or land in a garden without a visitor! My longest string is, I believe, five whole croutons. You must pet each crouton along the way, of course.
posted by sockermom at 12:03 PM on April 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

Whoa, three of my croutons have an item now!
posted by farlukar at 12:13 PM on April 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

My potato crouton is an absolute unit
posted by infini at 1:20 PM on April 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

1. This brings me joy.

2. Can we breed our own croutons? I want an army.

3. What if I get hungry and want to eat one?

4. Please make one that wears a hat.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 1:20 PM on April 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

I [...] am horrified at the idea of rejecting croutons?

You're just setting them free to explore the happy valley, pursuing their own path. Some croutons stay in your garden, some go roam, which makes room for new croutons to join your garden for a time. Point is, a crouton's time with you can be temporary but still fully-realized.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:47 PM on April 8, 2019 [10 favorites]

But what about the ones rejected from the cradle, as it were? I have yet to experience a visit from a crouton without a listed companion.

My heart weeps for the dispossessed and homeless croutons. They'll grow feral and end up unable to use spoken language, and won't know to stay away from open flames for never having seen fire.

(But do I even want forlorn croutons gazing from the gate with their big sad eyes? And me unable to offer them sanctuary? Oh woe is me, woe is me.)
posted by XMLicious at 4:17 PM on April 8, 2019 [3 favorites]

My heart weeps for the dispossessed and homeless croutons. They'll grow feral and end up unable to use spoken language, and won't know to stay away from open flames for never having seen fire.

(But do I even want forlorn croutons gazing from the gate with their big sad eyes? And me unable to offer them sanctuary? Oh woe is me, woe is me.)posted by XMLicious at 4:17 PM on April 8

This is a heart-breaking example of the constant trauma suffered by crouton-petters. May the world respect our suffering.

Wishing strength to XMLicious and flame retardant outfits to the little lost croutons of the world.
posted by kitten magic at 4:14 AM on April 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

How many croutons are there? Do you only get one chance for each? Cos... I skipped one called Conrad and I now have my regrets.
posted by ihaveyourfoot at 2:12 PM on April 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

I DID NOT SEE THIS UNTIL TODAY!

I LOVE IT!!!!!

Thank you for creating it! Their faces are so adorable. I only wish I could go pet them IRL right now.
posted by cass at 8:48 AM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

OK so look, I don't want to get in the way while y'all are having so much fun in this circle... well, this circle of crouton petting, but the fact is, these things are abominations and what is appening here is not right.

Croutons are little cubes of dried bread, that you put on salad. I was presented a "grape muffin" crouton just now. Earlier, I saw a crouton that was quite distinctly rectangular, and everyone just seemed to blast right past my comment, totally oblivious to the utter wrongness of this whole enterprise.

What next... granola croutons? Banana bread croutons? Spherical croutons the size of an entire loaf of bread? Because hey, whatever, the mods can throw any "crouton" at you and you people just lap it all up, right?

THIS IS ANARCHY! RUN WHILE YOU STILL HAVE YOUR SANITY.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:56 AM on April 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

Banana bread croutons sound delicious though, don't they? Crisped and with a little salty butter?
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 9:29 AM on April 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

Sez a guy called meatbomb? ha! bumhug!
posted by infini at 9:36 AM on April 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

Banana bread croutons sound delicious though, don't they?

I'd totally eat them, but a loaf of banana bread never lasts a full day in my household (that probably sounds better if I leave out that it's a household of two.) So there'd be no chance for it to dry up for croutonification.

This is a dream that will just have to remain a dream.
posted by asperity at 10:30 AM on April 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

The fourth crouton I saw made me gasp & say out loud "I LOVE HIM," so thank you, this is delightful.

Years later, that electric tooth is in a place of honor in our bathroom under-the-sink drawer, gently wrapped in an old washcloth with its charging station tucked around it.

While we're sharing Crouton Petters Anonymous stories, I once had a small blue jam-jar-style Bluetooth speaker and a small blue octopus-looking dish brush, and one day I put googly eyes on both of them and decided that the dish brush was the Bluetooth speaker's mermaid girlfriend and eventually she was going to sell her voice to join him on land. (Heteronormative, I know. My brain just genders things. I think it's the ordinal linguistic personification maybe.)

The Bluetooth speaker eventually crapped out; of course I kept it, for which I received so much shit from my sister (who for the record raises meat rabbits and maintains an air of aggravated patience whenever she sees me crouton-petting).

My boyfriend, meanwhile, had the temerity to USE THE DISH BRUSH to WASH DISHES WITH as though she were an INANIMATE OBJECT, and I... yelled a little bit about that, and now he goes through life with a new fear in my presence.

Eventually the black mold in our apartment got so bad that we had to throw out like 98% of our possessions but you better believe me that that was the only way I was going to get rid of that dang Bluetooth speaker & dish brush. (R.I.P.)
posted by taquito sunrise at 7:28 PM on April 10, 2019 [9 favorites]

Banana bread croutons sound delicious though, don't they?

There's a restaurant in Northridge, Los Angeles, on Reseda near the CSUN campus, called Emle's. It's a west coast type Middle Eastern sit-down with shades of New Jersey diner in its variety. Their most-discussed breakfast showpiece is a big order of french toast **topped in a giant pile of funnel cake**, but the stealth beauty is that most of the breakfasts come with your choice of bread, one option of which is banana bread. It is well-toasted on the griddle, and you need to set a couple of packets of too-cold butter on it as soon as it hits the table so the butter softens while you eat the savory part of your breakfast and then you finish with the banana bread and it's very nearly a banana bread crouton. Just spectacular. Mefi-mail me if you're in town and I'll meet you there.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:41 PM on April 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

I used a phone app to alert me when a new crouton visits my garden because ~~I'm weird like that~~ this is awesome and I will not apologize for enjoying it greatly. This made me notice that the page HTML has crouton descriptions that are not visible in regular browsers, e.g.:

(a small square crouton with a suspicious face (content))(a small square crouton with a suspicious face (blinking))(a small square crouton with a suspicious face)

Minette

I'm guessing this is for accessibility devices like screen readers, and if so that's awesome.

In related news I'd like to thank MetaFilter for primarily using static HTML which among other benefits allows tools like this to work.
posted by Tehhund at 5:35 AM on April 11, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yep, when we were working out the crouton generation process frimble made a point of setting up the output so that a reader-friendly text description would get generated in tandem.
posted by cortex (staff) at 6:37 AM on April 11, 2019 [8 favorites]

Am I the only one who filled in my croutons info, or are these only visible to each crouton's own companion. I keep clicking on my visitors and they never have nicknames or bios.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 9:50 AM on April 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I can see your added bios and nicknames! So presumably you could see mine.
posted by solotoro at 10:50 AM on April 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

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