Hyucking Hyuck

January 17, 2019 9:35 AM

It's experiment time! We're going to try to have a parallel thread to the Fucking Fuck series, where people can post their politics jokes, one-liners, favorite Twitter snark, etc.

Some guidelines:

- The whole point of this is to reduce moderation load, so use good judgement, don't get into fights, and generally try to be the adults in the room even though things are gonna get silly.
- If you want to tie a remark specifically to the current megathread, the timestamp of every comment is a permalink directly to that comment.
- This is specifically intended for the current political shitshow - we have a various other venues for cheerful humor or chatting.

Let us know what you think, too! But please do so either via the contact form or in the other MeTa about the megathreads, because we're ideally not going to be reading this one much!

posted by restless_nomad (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 9:35 AM (893 comments total)

I linked to this in passing in the current potus45 thread, but tell me you wouldn't believe this headline if it weren't an Onion link:

Fox News Debuts Premium Channel For 24-Hour Coverage Of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
posted by tonycpsu at 9:41 AM on January 17, 2019 [26 favorites]

McSweeney's: If the Future of the Democratic Party Means Winning Elections, Count Me Out

Young upstarts, led by a certain fetching socialist from the Bronx, are destroying everything we’ve worked so mediocrely to build. If you want their vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on Joe Lieberman’s face forever. Actually, don’t picture that; focus group testing has demonstrated that that image really resonates with voters across demographics, something we most certainly do not want.

Now don’t get me wrong: we all want the best for our country, we just have different ideas on how to get there. I believe that everyone in America should have the possibility of accessing the opportunity to afford a reasonable monthly payment to a privatized medical debt collector in order to get insulin for their child.
posted by Rust Moranis at 9:45 AM on January 17, 2019 [39 favorites]

If it looks like a hyuck, swims like a hyuck, and quacks like a hyuck...
posted by peeedro at 9:45 AM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

While it's early, can we all just agree to make Alexandra Petri the patron saint of this thread?
posted by Freon at 9:47 AM on January 17, 2019 [27 favorites]

HAMBERDERS. That is all.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:49 AM on January 17, 2019 [17 favorites]

What's the difference between the Spanish Inquisition and Donald Trump? One tortures you with a cat-o'-nine tails and the other tortures you with asinine tales.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:50 AM on January 17, 2019 [12 favorites]

Holy cats, that's a great thread title.
posted by GrammarMoses at 9:51 AM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Excited to post in the goof thread, but first I'm off to eat some of that fast, yummy, POTUS-approved Good American Food for lunch!

[/hamburger]
posted by wires at 9:51 AM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Someone needs a gd medal for this thread title.
posted by greermahoney at 9:52 AM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

That'd be cortex, of course.
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:52 AM on January 17, 2019 [27 favorites]

I'm going to need a second batch of favorites to hand out, I can tell already.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:52 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

This is specifically intended for the current political shitshow

Hello from the UK - hold our beer, America. Can this be used for the current Brexitopalypse, as well as for POTUS45 snark?

(This is also good timing as there's some nice lines and visual jokes from the Family Guy episode of a few days ago - even if you are Canadian)
posted by Wordshore at 9:53 AM on January 17, 2019 [21 favorites]

Hello is this the right place to pitch my new business? I, a real woman, will go on twitter and pretend to find you, a lawyer, sexy. This service will cost you only $40,000, a 20% savings from the going rate.

Note to Michael Cohen: we are not accepting used boxing gloves in payment at this time.
posted by Emmy Rae at 9:57 AM on January 17, 2019 [27 favorites]

I'd love some solid British Brexit snark to go along with my deep-fried, chocolate-dipped American snark.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:00 AM on January 17, 2019 [9 favorites]

HAMBERDERS. That is all.

It's just one more way this administration continually fucks everything up that they couldn't even spell hurgusburgus right.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 10:01 AM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Chief Justice Berder must be rolling in his grave.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 10:03 AM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

@owillis pelosi:
"im not for a wall."
"i'm not for a wall."
*whispers*
"im not for a wall."
#legend
[video]
posted by scalefree at 10:03 AM on January 17, 2019 [26 favorites]

I hate to break it to you but the brits are quite good at their own brand of disgusting lovely deep-fried objects
posted by BungaDunga at 10:03 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Is this the place where I share my wish that we get some really awesome steamed hams/Clemson dinner mashups soon?
posted by nubs at 10:03 AM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

As a serial flagger of "noise/derail/other" in the megathread I am so glad to see this.

Also pony request, but if we could also maybe call this the Zinger Depot I would not be sad.
posted by Tevin at 10:07 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

I hate to break it to you but the brits are quite good at their own brand of disgusting lovely deep-fried objects

Amateurs.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:10 AM on January 17, 2019

pelosi:
"im not for a wall."
"i'm not for a wall."
*whispers*
"im not for a wall."
#legend
[video]

Lolforever this is real

I feel like we’re watching the entire left run out of fucks in real time
posted by schadenfrau at 10:10 AM on January 17, 2019 [33 favorites]

After the fast food fiasco, I tweeted that @realDonaldTrump should get McDonald's to pay for the wall. Steel doesn't work. Concrete doesn't work. Beautiful styrofoam containers work. They could call it the McDJT—the American side stays American, and the Mexican side stays Mexican.
posted by emelenjr at 10:11 AM on January 17, 2019 [16 favorites]

Why go for styrofoam? Let's build the wall out of all the plastic bottles and bags floating in the ocean. Two birds with one stone.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:13 AM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Let us know what you think, too!

oh god don't you remember what happened the last time something here was referred to as an "experiment"
posted by poffin boffin at 10:14 AM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

IIRC, I had to call a plumber.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:16 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

Years ago, when I was taking improv classes, there was an exercise that involved a phantom wall or barrier. The student would stand at one end of a room and close his or her eyes, and the instructor would walk from one side of the room to the other making "I am building a wall" gestures. The student would then, with eyes closed, walk forward until he or she found the "wall" that the instructor had created. It was startling how often the student got it right - subconsciously, the blinded person was taking cues from other people in the room.

Could this be used to convince the president that there already is a wall there?
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 10:17 AM on January 17, 2019 [15 favorites]

oh god don't you remember what happened the last time something here was referred to as an "experiment"

Look, telling everyone to drastically change their knee-jerk commenting behavior is nothing like hiding favorites!
posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 10:17 AM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

i would like to see your IRB approval
posted by poffin boffin at 10:21 AM on January 17, 2019 [32 favorites]

As a serial flagger of "noise/derail/other" in the megathread

So... at last we meet.
posted by Atom Eyes at 10:22 AM on January 17, 2019 [60 favorites]

IIRC, I had to call a plumber.

No wonder this is such a drain on resources!
posted by Celsius1414 at 10:22 AM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

If this takes the riffing out of the Megathread I will be forever grateful. Thank you for the experiment!
posted by agregoli at 10:22 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Cool - a place where we can point out that the dumpster fire is on fire.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:24 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

That is not quite as doom-and-gloomy as the doom-and-gloom thread.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:25 AM on January 17, 2019

I feel like we’re watching the entire left run out of fucks in real time

Somebody on the most recent politics megathread said that Pelosi's letter to Trump yesterday, essentially revoking the invitation to speechify the State of the Union in the House, "checked Trump like a grandmaster" but my immediate thought was that she checked him like a hockey enforcer.
posted by gauche at 10:27 AM on January 17, 2019 [18 favorites]

I appreciate this experiment, since I have basically felt disinvited to the politics megathread by the insistence on seriousness and adding value. I gave all my seriousness and value at the office. Snark is all I have left.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:33 AM on January 17, 2019 [81 favorites]

To really get under Trump's skin, Pelosi should refuse to acknowledge his role in anything at all.

"I don't know why Putin wants this wall so bad."

"Jared's latest position on Israel . . . "

etc.

Just go ahead and talk about the actual decision makers, any time "Trump's" actions are mentioned.
posted by yesster at 10:33 AM on January 17, 2019 [74 favorites]

Pelosi is the fucking goon
posted by schadenfrau at 10:33 AM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

What if she just sent him a miniature of the wall

Tiny tiny little spinal tap wall
posted by schadenfrau at 10:36 AM on January 17, 2019 [51 favorites]

Pelosi/Gritty 2020
posted by sporkwort at 10:37 AM on January 17, 2019 [17 favorites]

Maybe a nice vinyl copy of the Pink Floyd album?
posted by Autumnheart at 10:37 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm worried the other thread is going to become too serious. It's hard enough to take as it is.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 10:38 AM on January 17, 2019 [14 favorites]

If this takes the riffing out of the Megathread I will be forever grateful. Thank you for the experiment!

If this takes the clever, relevant riffing out of the Megathread I will be forever disappointed :)

Let the experiment begin!
posted by Barack Spinoza at 10:39 AM on January 17, 2019 [18 favorites]

Tongue-in-cheek human subjects silliness follows (riffing off poffin boffin): who's the IRB? Did they let you operate under the Revised Common Rule guidelines?

...slinks back off to re-read 45 CFR 46 again.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 10:41 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Nothingberder.
posted by parki at 10:43 AM on January 17, 2019 [18 favorites]

OMG yes, this is perfect. Ever since I ran across this thread over on reddit, I've been wishing there were a way to share my delight that a conveniently sortable and growing list of nicknames exists for our Phony Soprano, our Mrs Donald Putin. Being reddit some are eye-rolling and offensive of course, but /shrug, reddit's gonna reddit.

So far I've been giggling intermittently most at GropenFührer and Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist NAZI POTUS. Someone with more talent than me needs to get on to re-writing the lyrics. You wouldn't even have to change the next line! There's also something to be said for Dolt45 too and Borderwall Personality Disorder.

It's stupid and petty and I can't stop getting laughs out of it.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 10:47 AM on January 17, 2019 [38 favorites]

Ermagerd, hamberders!
posted by GrammarMoses at 10:47 AM on January 17, 2019 [13 favorites]

They should just go ahead and build the fucking wall out of papercrete made from printouts of Trump indictments. Should be left-over materials.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:49 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

To really get under Trump's skin, Pelosi should refuse to acknowledge his role in anything at all.

As a matter of principle, I never say the U.S. president's name. (I live in Canada.) This is not because his name is too evil to be spoken aloud or anything like that, but because he wants his name to be mentioned everywhere, placed on large buildings, and whatnot. And I don't want to give him what he wants.
posted by tallmiddleagedgeek at 10:49 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

…and of course as soon as I wrote that I thought, "hmm, I bet Randy Rainbow did just this." *Checks Youtube. Yep, lol."

Still, it needs to be updated.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 10:50 AM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

Well I don't care for this
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:52 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm not very fond of joking in threads.
posted by bondcliff at 10:53 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

This is cool, BUT... If we are going to segment out a portion of the Fucking Fuck threads that could stand alone, I'd have rather it been the "Hi, I am having a hard time and could use a few kind words" segment.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:03 AM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

If you're worried about a lack of humor in the megathread, Gelatin just used the phrase "sufferin' catfish" in a relevant comment in the thread, so obviously some talented folks can do both!
posted by Emmy Rae at 11:09 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

Well I don't care for this

Hey you're seriousing up the place!
posted by aspersioncast at 11:10 AM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

If we are going to segment out a portion of the Fucking Fuck threads that could stand alone

This experiment is trying to solve a very specific politics megathread issue, not a fucking fuck thread issue.
posted by greermahoney at 11:11 AM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

The other evening I remarked to Millicent that our loutish president bears a striking resemblance to an extruded cheese snack. We both had a good laugh about it.

I'm glad there is now an appropriate place to share this anecdote!
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:11 AM on January 17, 2019 [17 favorites]

Q: What do you call a guy who surrounds himself with criminals?
A: "Mr. President."
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:12 AM on January 17, 2019 [12 favorites]

This thread needs more exclamation points!!!
posted by valkane at 11:13 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

I can't wait to add wine to this thread.
posted by yoga at 11:17 AM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I've been wishing there were a way to share my delight that a conveniently sortable and growing list of nicknames exists...

A list I’ve been keeping for myself, just from the megathreads at this place, would include: Babyhands McBonespurs, Cadet Bone Spurs, Cheeto Benito, Cheetoh Mussolini, Donnie Two Scoops, Dummy, Il Douche, Mango Mussolini, Mango Unchained, Orange Julius Caesar, our big orange boy, President Pants-On-Fire, President Heel, President Stupid Joker, President Trauma, President Von Clownstick, the elected meatpopsickle sitting at the desk, the Great Cheeto, the Living Avatar of Bullshit, the Mangled Apricot Hellbeast, the orange carbuncle on the behind of humanity, the Orange Dotard, the Orange Menace, the Orange Shitstain, the Trumpanzee, and the Vile Circus Peanut.

My favorite, I believe, being the Mangled Apricot Hellbeast, courtesy of ignorantsavage.
posted by LeLiLo at 11:20 AM on January 17, 2019 [27 favorites]

> I think that this is the best post title I have read in a long time, and I can't not read it in the voice of an angrily vituperative Goofy.

He would probably call this administration a real gawrsh-hole.
posted by Arson Lupine at 11:22 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

What if she just sent him a miniature of the wall

Tiny tiny little spinal tap wall

"It's not your job to be as confused as Nigel Trump is."
posted by soundguy99 at 11:23 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

I can't wait to add wine to this thread

Were there threads we were supposed to be in without wine? I probably owe a lot of people a lot of apologies.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 11:25 AM on January 17, 2019 [23 favorites]

Guys, it’s easy, we just build a 20” wall for 500m. Just photograph it from way up close. Think of all the money we’d save!
posted by Huffy Puffy at 11:25 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

I still think my 8 year old niece wins with “Donald Dump”. That was a proud day. PS we’re not even in the US! Thousands of miles away small children are like hey the President is stupid and awful! But we’re about to unmoor ourselves from the EU and merrily sail into the sunset up shit’s creek so
posted by billiebee at 11:26 AM on January 17, 2019 [24 favorites]

Or weed come 4pm CST

Yes.
posted by yoga at 11:26 AM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

I've been wishing there were a way to share my delight that a conveniently sortable and growing list of nicknames exists...

... Mafia Don, ...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 11:27 AM on January 17, 2019

I ran across this in my feed this morning and I actually ran over to google news to see if it was true.
posted by Catblack at 11:28 AM on January 17, 2019

Or if necessary we could put someone behind it in a Godzilla costume for scale.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 11:28 AM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Oh, good, Metafilter is back!
posted by biogeo at 11:30 AM on January 17, 2019 [15 favorites]

Don't forget "Donnie Tinyhands" in the current thread!

My FB friend has posted, every single day since the election, a jpg of "This is your daily reminder that the president of the United States is under FBI investigation for colluding with Russia to fix an election." I'm impressed with her tenacity! The first day it seemed like a big deal; now it's just all part of the background, sigh.
posted by Melismata at 11:34 AM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

alright everybody sit down I saved copies of most of my deleted megathread jokes and I'm gonna post them all now, in chronological order

I don't have anchor links saved to the comments I was responding to but I'll provide dates so please keep the relevant megathreads open so you can refer back to them for context

we're gonna be here awhile, grab a snack
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:36 AM on January 17, 2019 [27 favorites]

How many Giulianis does it take to screw in a lightbulb? There is no lightbulb. Who said there was a lightbulb? I never said there was a lightbulb. I never said there wasn't a lightbulb. There is no darkness, why would we need a lightbulb? There is only darkness, why would we want light? Witch hunt. I never said witch hunt. Where am I?
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:42 AM on January 17, 2019 [49 favorites]

prize bull good idea I've had a few also.....

like, why don't they just build the wall out of steam since trump thinks it works so great for boats?
posted by yoga at 11:45 AM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

this one's sort of a punchline looking for a set up:

something-something "... approaching positively presidential levels of incompetence."
posted by philip-random at 11:46 AM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had a good one earlier this week but I exercised self restraint. Now I can't remember what it was. The world will never know what it missed!
posted by paper chromatographologist at 11:47 AM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

Nah, we build the Wall out of Thoughts & Prayers. It works so well for gun control!
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 11:49 AM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

Best photoshop I've seen of trump & his burger buffet.
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:51 AM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I am disappointed the random boxing glove and giant cash wad in a Walmart bag were not delivered by the lady drinking wine from a Pringles can.
posted by emjaybee at 11:52 AM on January 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

The funniest riff on hamberder is dril's:

just got word from a trusted source: the guy who said he would fuck his daughter on "The View" is in hot water for spelling hamburger wrong

posted by ambrosen at 11:54 AM on January 17, 2019 [48 favorites]

Pondering why people like Trump aren't called "Wealth Supremacists".
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:54 AM on January 17, 2019 [17 favorites]

I think of President Skidmarks and his shitty, shitty crew as "Wipe Supremacists". Not to be confused with "Tighty Whitey Supremacists".
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 12:02 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

All around the Cap-i-tol

AOC chased the wea-sel

McConnell wouldn't hold any votes

Pop! I have no fucking idea what happens now.
posted by emjaybee at 12:05 PM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

There once was dis guy from New Yawk
Who'd lie as soon as he'd tawk
It once seemed that he
Would get off scot-free
'Til his pals all started to squawk
posted by mikepop at 12:17 PM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

@WomenForCohen - Seriously?
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:34 PM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

oh god don't you remember what happened the last time something here was referred to as an "experiment"

America itself has also been referred to as an experiment. Just sayin'.
posted by biogeo at 12:49 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yeah, yeah, laugh all you want, but there is a real crisis on our southern border.

So build the wall! There's room for compromise on this crucial security issue. It only needs to be about two feet tall, maybe two and a half.
posted by Naberius at 12:50 PM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

Did they let you operate under the Revised Common Rule guidelines?

every time I see someone who works on humans mention this I stop yearning for my colleagues who work with insects and deal with zero ethical oversight and become grateful that I only deal with an IACUC instead
posted by sciatrix at 12:56 PM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

The real casualties of this administration will be obvious combovers, orange tans, slicked back guido hair, long red ties, and "smoky" mascara. They'll be relegated to kitscb humor wardrobe staples. It's practically a public service, this unintentional cleansing of our collective aesthetic.
posted by yesster at 1:02 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

@WomenForCohen - Seriously?

Maybe this helped.
posted by Catblack at 1:04 PM on January 17, 2019

alright everybody sit down I saved copies of most of my deleted megathread jokes and I'm gonna post them all now, in chronological order

I admit mine are all from exceedingly flawed memory, but I'm pretty sure the first one was a vicious broadside against Tweeter and The Facepals ... next was some satirical song lyrics about corporate media singing "Click It Up" to the KISS song of the same name... aaaaand yeah that was it. Just the two there.
posted by petebest at 1:15 PM on January 17, 2019

UPDATE: A White House official tells @NBCNews Secretary Mnuchin will lead a delegation to Davos, as planned.

Well of course, because being consistent might give the impression that there was a legit reason for the CODEL flight cancellation, which might prevent it from being taken as the childish insult he intended.
posted by ctmf at 1:37 PM on January 17, 2019

Could this be used to convince the president that there already is a wall there?

The Emperor's New Wall - just allocate $1m for development and insist that it's going to be an invisible, 4G-based wall of technological interwaves that detects citizenship - or rather, detects the magnetic strip in your Official US ID Card, and sends off an alarm if you don't have one, and also fills the air with microwave radiation. (Then look for the lowest bidder who claims they can finish the project in 15 months - just long enough for the deadline to hit when 2020's election season kicks into full speed.)

Super Callous Fragile Racist Sexist NAZI POTUS. Someone with more talent than me needs to get on to re-writing the lyrics.

Randy Rainbow did Super careless, fragile ego, extra braggadocious; is that close enough?
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 1:44 PM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

OK - I know this is the Hyucking thread, not the Fucking thread, but Marci Whitaker with her 18 million net worth begging to make sure she keeps her job during the shutdown is some kind of chutzpah. I'm not sure what kind though.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:51 PM on January 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

Since we're dealing with Three Stooges levels of insanity, I was thinking it could be the Nyuking-nyuk thread.
posted by Melismata at 1:53 PM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I'm sure Trump's letter was much less petulant in it's original Russian.
posted by yesster at 2:03 PM on January 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

Trump cancelling Pelosi's CODEL trip to Afghanistan after she took his State of the Union address hostage is the lamest comeback since "The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
posted by J.K. Seazer at 2:09 PM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

I nominate the comments in the FPP about the guy who injected himself with semen for.. this MeTa. People are off to an amazing start in that one.
posted by twoplussix at 2:13 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

That would be this one, should you happen to find this thread deeply in the archives, O People Of The Future:
https://www.metafilter.com/178832/Semenly-Harmless-Back-Pain
posted by twoplussix at 2:15 PM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oops, sorry, I missed that this is a MeTa to talk about politics. My apologies for accidentally bringing into it what are basically dick jokes.
posted by twoplussix at 2:16 PM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Eh, dick jokes/politics. Potayto/potahto.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 2:20 PM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Oops, sorry, I missed that this is a MeTa to talk about politics. My apologies for accidentally bringing into it what are basically dick jokes.

You were excited, it happens sometimes.
posted by nubs at 2:51 PM on January 17, 2019 [26 favorites]

Oh come on
posted by petebest at 2:55 PM on January 17, 2019 [4 favorites]

Perfect thread for asking this question: Wasn't there also a song about Trumpty Dumpty and a big wall? It's all in the prophesy, folks!
posted by Namlit at 2:58 PM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

Workshopping a compromise for Dems to give DJT a wall: First convince DJT that now all the "illegals" caught wind of his wall and are coming by boat. Then we give him a new "secret" plan for a sea wall instead. DJT is happy with a nice big wall to stop imaginary boogeymen, and the rest of us get a sea wall infrastructure project to protect coastal lowlands from the rising sea levels and storm threats of climate change.
posted by p3t3 at 3:04 PM on January 17, 2019 [28 favorites]

A lot of the recent political cartoons lately have been lame and repetitive, (how often can you do Trumpty Dumpty?) but there have been a couple I considered for posting to the Megathread, but considering my glorious history of deletion for injecting forced humor, this a far superior venue for them....
Here's one.
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:26 PM on January 17, 2019

Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention - since it has been so lauded, could someone please explain the thread title?
posted by exogenous at 3:36 PM on January 17, 2019

I come to the US Political mega threads now for light relief as this clusterfuck is now my reality.
posted by adamvasco at 3:37 PM on January 17, 2019 [15 favorites]

exogenous, there's been a tradition of threads for people to just vent their anger and frustration with things, usually titled the "Fucking Fuck" thread. So, now that we have a thread for those of us who want to use humour to blow off some steam, it is fitting that it is the Hyucking Hyuck thread.
posted by nubs at 3:38 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ahh, thanks nubs!
posted by exogenous at 3:40 PM on January 17, 2019

On MSNBC'S Meet the Press Daily, a valuable insight into the mind of Chuck Todd:

Panellist: "I saw Jeb Bush on a plane, and that guy is a prophet. He said that Donald Trump would be a 'Chaos President', and he was right."
Todd: "Yeah! I remember hearing him say that the first time and thinking, what are you talking about? But he has turned out to be more prophetic than any of his fellow candidates."

Really, Chuck? Really? REALLY? REALLY? 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘? 𝓡𝓔𝓐𝓛𝓛𝓨❓ 𝕽𝕰𝕰𝕰𝕰𝕰𝕰𝕬𝕬𝕬𝕬𝕬𝕬𝕬𝕷𝕷𝖄❓❓ ℝ̫͕͎̝̝͠'̖̝͚̫̭𝕃͓̲̰̞𝕐͚̺𝔼̖ℍ̩̼̖͜
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:51 PM on January 17, 2019 [31 favorites]

McConnell opens his op-ed: "For the past two years, our united Republican government drained money and power from Washington and returned it to states, communities and families."

The state is called Russia, the community is called The Super-Rich, and the family is called Trump.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 4:15 PM on January 17, 2019 [37 favorites]

You were excited, it happens sometimes.
posted by nubs at 5:51 PM on January 17

Eponysterical.
posted by Melismata at 4:21 PM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

Oh good, is this the thread where I can tell everyone I’ve been calling him Muggle Voldemort? “He Who Cannot Be Shamed” also works.
posted by nonasuch at 4:34 PM on January 17, 2019 [10 favorites]

I am happy this exists so I can attempt to resurrect Jon Stewart's "Fuckface von Clownstick"
posted by Marticus at 4:37 PM on January 17, 2019 [12 favorites]

This thread makes me feel like we got sent to detention for being obnoxious in class but like in a good way.
posted by jason_steakums at 4:55 PM on January 17, 2019 [43 favorites]

Detention was always my favorite class.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:58 PM on January 17, 2019 [11 favorites]

Just desserts to go with our just deserts.
posted by jamjam at 5:16 PM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

On MSNBC'S Meet the Press Daily, a valuable insight into the mind of Chuck Todd

Chuck Todd and the Goatee of Malign Indifference.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 6:03 PM on January 17, 2019 [8 favorites]

How do you have the name Chuck Todd and work in tv news and not be a small market local affiliate sports guy, it is the perfect name for it.
posted by jason_steakums at 6:17 PM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

I exercised self restraint.

I usually prefer to excise self restraint...
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:22 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

Kentucky canoe outfit borrows photo of Trudeau family to promote business
posted by scruss at 6:24 PM on January 17, 2019 [2 favorites]

Another well-targeted toon...
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:29 PM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Food needs to be inspected! We figured this out over many plagues! They'll fund the military, that's a given, but I don't expect the USMC to defend the Pax Romaina.
posted by adept256 at 6:14 PM on January 17

I see what you did there. Capital bon mot old bean! Top! Draaawr!
posted by petebest at 6:36 PM on January 17, 2019 [6 favorites]

Randy Rainbow's There Is Nothin' Like a Wall; references to McMuffins predate the Fast Food on Silver dinner.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 6:55 PM on January 17, 2019

I realized today that you can sing “AOC” to the same tune as the chorus of “Free to Be You and Me.” You don’t even really have to change any of the other lyrics! “You and me love AOC, AOC”
posted by Biblio at 7:21 PM on January 17, 2019 [1 favorite]

Hey guys did you hear the one about Falwell and the Pool Boy
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:02 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

scruss: "Kentucky canoe outfit borrows photo of Trudeau family to promote business"

Reddit thread.

The PM responds: "This was taken in Yukon in 2013. A spectacular part of this country to explore."

Also today I realized our [Canada] Minister of Transport is an astronaut.
posted by Mitheral at 8:03 PM on January 17, 2019 [5 favorites]

It’s still the classic ‘Twitler’ in our house, or unser Führer when we think Alexa is listening.
posted by The Toad at 8:12 PM on January 17, 2019 [3 favorites]

A youtube comment, of all things, about Giuliani's epic interview yesterday:

'In all fairness to Rudy, it's hard to lie faster than Trump commits treason.'
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 8:54 PM on January 17, 2019 [56 favorites]

NYMag columnist and Popehat podcast co-host Josh Barro:

It’s funny that Dems were like “we need to make a list of crimes Trump may have committed and get the new AG on tape saying they’re crimes” and it was relevant like 56 hours later.

Reuters editor Gerry Doyle:

washington post and nyt: “we are broke the biggest political stories of the last few days”

buzzfeed: “here are the top 10 ways you can hold our beer”

posted by a snickering nuthatch at 10:23 PM on January 17, 2019 [47 favorites]

man, this is quickly becoming the thread to be in.
posted by valkane at 10:30 PM on January 17, 2019 [7 favorites]

Karen Pence
Is taking offense
That her bigot school
Is deemed uncool

While mike pence
to his defense
treating back pain
With the ol' irish drain
posted by Anchorite_of_Palgrave at 12:03 AM on January 18, 2019

Trump's facebook page photoshops him to be slimmer and have longer fingers.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 1:20 AM on January 18, 2019 [46 favorites]

"Many Voters Think Trump’s a Self-Made Man. What Happens When You Tell Them Otherwise?"

What it is: an overview of recent social science research in Politico (article by Jared McDonald, David Karol & Lilliana Mason)

What I wanted it to be and what it should have been: a Jimmy Kimmel or Jay Leno bit.

What it could be: a tagline for a startled/surprised cat meme.
posted by ZeusHumms at 5:05 AM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

There's an Antonin Scalia Law School. Who knew?
posted by ZeusHumms at 5:17 AM on January 18, 2019

Quick reminder that if you'd like a cartoonish image of Individual-1 to mash up with your words for your timely tweets today, I created several templates with blank speech bubbles for easy remixing and posted it to Projects.
posted by mikepop at 5:42 AM on January 18, 2019 [7 favorites]

Trump's facebook page photoshops him to be slimmer and have longer fingers.

And whiter!
posted by Harald74 at 6:02 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

@chunkled "This is fine."

(sound up)
(I love you)
[video]
posted by scalefree at 6:31 AM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

Trump's facebook page photoshops him to be slimmer and have longer fingers.

And whiter!

And a haver of broader shoulders than he currently gots!
posted by Don Pepino at 6:57 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

(They also lowered his waistband for some inexplicable reason. Is that supposed to make him look taller? Can he not even hire a competent photoshopper? He's so damn pathetic it makes me sad.)
posted by Don Pepino at 7:04 AM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

If you're not receiving grant money, you're not the researcher, you're the subject.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:17 AM on January 18, 2019 [6 favorites]

Did you hear about the straight Republican who wanted to make it illegal for teenage boys to wear saggy pants? The frequency and intensity of his erections was really distracting him from fucking over the poor.

I'm not comfortable with this joke.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:23 AM on January 18, 2019 [7 favorites]

Natasha Rothwell on twitter: If BuzzFeed takes down Trump y'all gonna take those quizzes more seriously.
posted by gladly at 7:30 AM on January 18, 2019 [19 favorites]

The fact that Buzzfeed has gone, in a few years, from just being the land of infinite silly quizzes and listicles to being that and a real news source is just mindboggling to me. My last semester in grad school, one of the other TAs for a course I TAed for was a journalism student who wanted a job there, and c.2015 I just could not wrap my head around the idea that Buzzfeed actually wanted to do journalism. These days? I read them for their coverage.

Also, sciatrix... I think I'd take dealing with IRBs and human subjects over IACUCs and USDA oversight. I've done both in my time. But reading the regulations for human subjects isn't fun, I'll give you that!
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 7:37 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

Natasha Rothwell on twitter: If BuzzFeed takes down Trump y'all gonna take those quizzes more seriously.

Natasha Rothwell has a tight five on Buzzfeed and Trump.

BuzzFeed taking down Trump is so poetic they should be appointed United States Poet Laureate.

The House Judiciary Committee questions should presented as a BuzzFeed quiz.

If BuzzFeed takes down Trump the only recipes I'll follow will be from those time-lapse cooking videos.

posted by schadenfrau at 7:51 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

The House Judiciary Committee questions should presented as a BuzzFeed quiz.

I would love to see Trump and his children try to take that quiz.
posted by gladly at 8:11 AM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

I'm very pleased to note that the word "fractal" is being used more and more in the Megathread. More frequently toward the end, of course.
posted by GrammarMoses at 9:05 AM on January 18, 2019 [5 favorites]

Apparently, Donny is tweeting (or has tweeted) about 'prayer rugs' being found abandoned at the border.

Sorry, Donny, but I'm only seeing one rug, and you're fucking wearing it.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:08 AM on January 18, 2019 [12 favorites]

+1 to Twitler. I try to stay away from nicknames (it feels uncomfortably Trumpian to indulge) but that mot is just too juste.

A guilty humor pleasure - Popehat’s Twitter feed. It is both a good example of the reason I am happier not interacting on the site, and also kind of hilarious sometimes - there’s nothing quite like an educated asshole. (I think the mockery:information ratio in his ATPL podcast is better.)
posted by eirias at 9:17 AM on January 18, 2019

Pelosi's response. That look! That look to camera! I haven't seen one that good since the Dukes taught Valentine how to make a BLT in Trading Places!
posted by Molesome at 9:18 AM on January 18, 2019 [5 favorites]

I work in an open office and I left my headphones at home so the Pelosi magic is unavailable to me :(
posted by Emmy Rae at 9:24 AM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

That aide behind her who has to stop herself from laughing is my favorite
posted by schadenfrau at 9:24 AM on January 18, 2019

‘Don’t Make Me Regret This,’ Mueller Tells Rick Gates Before Uncuffing Him To Work On Investigation Together

WASHINGTON—Advising the former political consultant not to take advantage of his goodwill, Special Counsel Robert Mueller reportedly told Rick Gates Thursday “don’t make me regret this” before uncuffing him to work on the Trump investigation together. “You’ve helped me out so far, and I appreciate that, but I’ve got my eye on you, Gates, so don’t try anything stupid,” said Mueller, placing his gun on the table as the man who pleaded guilty to conspiracy against the United States and had since been aiding in the Russia investigation massaged his sore wrists, then opening the door to the motel room where Gates had been under lock and key for months.

posted by BungaDunga at 9:24 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

The House Judiciary Committee questions should presented as a BuzzFeed quiz.

Which Impeachable Offense Are You?
It turns out Nixon was wrong, and the President can act illegally. SO illegally!

1) It's Friday night, time to party with the crew! What's your go-to plan?
a. Pre-gaming at my place, then we hit the clubs.
b. Oh, you get to party on Friday night? That's nice. I'm still at work.
c. I have a standing date for dinner and drinks with my besty.
d. Rage tweeting in an effort to intimidate witnesses and suborn perjury.

2) My favorite vacation spot is
a. The mountains - clear air and a view for miles.
b. The ocean - surf's up, baby!
c. Political rallies - inciting white supremacists to violence is just so much more invigorating in person!
d. Staycation all the way.

3) My secret get-rich-quick scheme involves
a. Etsy. The world is going to go crazy for my wool-knit lingerie.
b. Using the powers and privileges of my public office to direct foreign business to my commercial properties.
c. Kickstarter. Sure I still need a product, a market, and a plan, but eventually I can just pay people for all that stuff.
d. Listen, it's not a "scheme," the Younique beauty line changed my life, and it can change yours, too!

4) No matter how down I'm feeling, thinking about _____ cheers me up.
a. Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. Too obvious?
b. Fine, Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins then.
c. Really, Julie Andrews in anything, she's just such a delight.
d. Separating thousands of immigrant children from their parents while denying their access to due process.

5) How would your friends describe you?
a. Someone always looking for a new way to write executive orders that disfavor Muslims.
b. They'd probably say I'm a neat freak LOL.
c. Wise and calm.
d. The life of the party!
posted by solotoro at 9:45 AM on January 18, 2019 [44 favorites]

@mgerrydoyle washington post and nyt: “we are broke the biggest political stories of the last few days”

buzzfeed: “here are the top 10 ways you can hold our beer”
posted by scalefree at 9:50 AM on January 18, 2019 [8 favorites]

Capt. Renault: Apparently, Donny is tweeting (or has tweeted) about 'prayer rugs' being found abandoned at the border.

Sorry, Donny, but I'm only seeing one rug, and you're fucking wearing it.

Heh.

Karl Sharro also had a little something to say about that:

"These are not prayer rugs, they are flying carpets and they can fly over walls."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:57 AM on January 18, 2019 [12 favorites]

BuzzFeed in 2009: Here are some weird animal videos
BuzzFeed in 2019: We just broke Watergate 2.0
posted by mbrubeck at 9:59 AM on January 18, 2019 [25 favorites]

I just wanted to mention I saw the new political megathread with no comments in it all and it was like seeing untracked snow. I have never been able to see this before.

I also managed to resist reflexively typing "First post!!!"
posted by loquacious at 10:01 AM on January 18, 2019 [24 favorites]

Me too, though it was close. I'm wiped out.
posted by Autumnheart at 10:02 AM on January 18, 2019 [1 favorite]

One wonders how many "First Posts" have been deleted.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:12 AM on January 18, 2019 [7 favorites]

I was going to type "Washington Post!"
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:30 AM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

Maybe we can use the recently abandoned USPolitics thread to post snark? (That is after the new thread appears). Would that be easier on the mods than shuffling back to this one?
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 10:31 AM on January 18, 2019

There's an Antonin Scalia Law School. Who knew?

It was going to be the Antonin Scalia School of Law, until they realized the acronym and renamed it.
posted by Weeping_angel at 10:35 AM on January 18, 2019 [17 favorites]

Maybe we can use the recently abandoned USPolitics thread to post snark? (That is after the new thread appears). Would that be easier on the mods than shuffling back to this one?

My bet is, "Yikes, NO."
posted by soundguy99 at 10:39 AM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

Maybe we can use the recently abandoned USPolitics thread to post snark? (That is after the new thread appears). Would that be easier on the mods than shuffling back to this one?

Please no. That will muddy the waters as to what’s allowed in the megathreads.

Plus, after a few comments, people miss the new thread call out, and will continue to post news in the old thread. We already have enough of that. I actually wish the old thread closed for comments when the new one went up, to avoid that.

(This comment is illegal because it contains no joke.)
posted by greermahoney at 10:43 AM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also, I'd like to be able to open this thread in mobile view for at least 24 hours before it gets too big to load.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 10:44 AM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

I think this is my favorite thread of all time. OF ALL TIME.

All the snark, none of the soul-destroying actual issues.

I'd been looking for something to call him - like someone said above, I refuse to utter the words 'President' and 'Trump' together - and Dolt 45 hits juuust the right spot for me. Not that there's a shortage of fabulous nicknames - Mango Unchained is right up there as well, and I'm partial to 'All in all, it's just a little prick with no wall' - but Dolt 45? Irresistibly pithy.
posted by widdershins at 10:58 AM on January 18, 2019 [8 favorites]

I've got the megathread tab next to the snark tab, which seems like a great way to follow along without diluting the topic of either. We should've done this ages ago!
posted by Autumnheart at 11:17 AM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

I just read this one on Slate: "The Suborn Identity"
posted by Autumnheart at 11:30 AM on January 18, 2019 [7 favorites]

(Because I am 14)

Cumming Man Accused Of Planning Attack On White House

I mean really, who amongst us hasn't had fantasies in the throes of passion?
posted by Westringia F. at 11:37 AM on January 18, 2019 [8 favorites]

Agent Orange
posted by GrammarMoses at 11:38 AM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

Putin on a Ritz
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 11:58 AM on January 18, 2019 [8 favorites]

Cardi B's rant has been remixed and it's a bop, as they say.
posted by mogget at 12:19 PM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

NANCY PELOSI BITING HER TONGUE AFTER THAT PETTY COMMENT!!!

Thank you, Nancy.
posted by frecklefaerie at 12:19 PM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

3) My secret get-rich-quick scheme involves

List is wrong; bitcoin is not an option.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 12:21 PM on January 18, 2019

I'm reading the megathread bit about food safety while eating supermarket sushi. So long, no thanks for all the fish.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:54 PM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

My proposed get-rich-quick scheme is to crowdfund a Build The Wall PAC and then pay myself an obscene salary from the proceeds. It would probably be legal!
posted by BungaDunga at 12:57 PM on January 18, 2019 [5 favorites]

Wash your veggies and cook all your meat well-done. Makes me glad I live near a bunch of farms.

I should think, though, that there would be some industry pressure to make sure food suppliers were providing safe products, even outside the influence of the USDA.
posted by Autumnheart at 12:59 PM on January 18, 2019

My proposed get-rich-quick scheme is to crowdfund a Build The Wall PAC and then pay myself an obscene salary from the proceeds. It would probably be legal!

You'll have to get in line behind this guy, who is already working that angle. Or you could both do it; it's a growth market.
posted by zachlipton at 1:01 PM on January 18, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm reading the megathread bit about food safety while eating supermarket sushi. So long, no thanks for all the fish.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:54 PM on January 18 [has favorites +] [!]

Eponysterical.
posted by GrammarMoses at 1:04 PM on January 18, 2019 [13 favorites]

The nice thing about explicitly calling it a PAC in my fundraising efforts is that there's no fraud involved. That guy claims all of the money is going to directly fund wall-building, right in the fundraising campaign. If that's a lie he could be in trouble. Hence doing it with a PAC.

If it can work for Dworkin's "Democratic Coalition" PAC it should work for me!
posted by BungaDunga at 1:08 PM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

What about a "think tank"? Is it unethical if one were to, say, brand themselves as some kind of MAGA-hat initiative and then use the money to fund, say, universal healthcare? They'll thank us later.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:40 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

Rep. Rashida Tlaib's response to the Buzzfeed bombshell:

Yeah, like I said...
posted by Etrigan at 1:52 PM on January 18, 2019 [11 favorites]

Trump's facebook page photoshops him to be slimmer and have longer fingers.

The comparison gif makes it look like his finger telescopes pinnocchio style
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:00 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

the shoulder extension was also silly, because it actually made his head tinier after they made it skinnier
posted by numaner at 4:05 PM on January 18, 2019 [1 favorite]

> They also lowered his waistband for some inexplicable reason. Is that supposed to make him look taller?

It's an attempt to make his tie look not-ridiculously-too-long.
posted by flug at 4:35 PM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

The sound you're hearing from over in the megathread is the din of hundreds of MeFi-ites simultaneously calling their bakery to cancel their cake orders upon reading Mueller's spokesperson denying the accuracy of the Buzzfeed report.

Guess it's back to "Eleven Cats that Look Like Robert Mueller" for ol' Buzzfeed.
posted by tonycpsu at 4:44 PM on January 18, 2019 [11 favorites]

11 Stories BuzzFeed Got Wrong (#3 will shock you!)
posted by nubs at 5:33 PM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

mathowie on Jason Leopold's reporting: Seriously, if this doesn't come out everywhere on Monday morning and this turns out to be a stupid rumor, truthout and rawstory buzzfeed news links are going to be banned from mefi.
posted by peeedro at 5:40 PM on January 18, 2019 [10 favorites]

Wow, that's a *deep" cut right there.
posted by tonycpsu at 5:42 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

Holy crap people, I'm going to have to buy a whole new computer if you expect me to keep Slack, the Megathread, *and* the Megafunnypapers open all at the same time.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 6:02 PM on January 18, 2019 [8 favorites]

This is our life now
posted by narwhal at 6:08 PM on January 18, 2019 [6 favorites]

For myself, I'm glad to be here with you. Here at the end of all things.

(raises eyes to the sky to look for the eagles to get us out of this mess)
posted by nubs at 6:11 PM on January 18, 2019 [14 favorites]

I'm just waiting for a superhero to swoop down out of the sky and save everyone at this point. The only way this all makes sense is if it's all just a dumb origin story for some OP mutant in tights.
posted by MrVisible at 6:13 PM on January 18, 2019 [10 favorites]

Guess it's back to "Eleven Cats that Look Like Robert Mueller" for ol' Buzzfeed.

Link?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:45 PM on January 18, 2019 [9 favorites]

RE: THIS (that made me cry laughing)
My husband: "Does that mean Pence is Torgo?"
posted by Crystalinne at 7:46 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

Goddamn. I finally got my mother in law to see some value in the internet since after about 24 hours of the BuzzFeed story circulating online, there was still no mention of it in the NZ TV news or the printed newspapers she gets. She even asked her husband if he "had access to these wonderful things on his computer" and he clarified that she meant websites and yes he did. I think she was even going to try reading the news online.

But I just had to tell her they got it wrong and now she's reconvinced that computers and the internet are the devil's work. (She may not be entirely wrong.)
posted by lollusc at 7:54 PM on January 18, 2019 [5 favorites]

Metafilter: May not be entirely wrong.
posted by MrVisible at 8:13 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

8 REASONS WHY DOING FAKE BUZZFEED HEADLINES ABOUT THIS COHEN THING WILL NEVER NOT MAKE ME LAUGH (#6 WILL SURPRISE YOU)
posted by frecklefaerie at 8:32 PM on January 18, 2019 [2 favorites]

Is there anything SDNY can't ruin?
posted by medusa at 8:33 PM on January 18, 2019 [7 favorites]

(raises eyes to the sky to look for the eagles to get us out of this mess)

didn't eagles get us into this mess?
posted by philip-random at 9:53 PM on January 18, 2019 [3 favorites]

ZeusHumms: One wonders how many "First Posts" have been deleted.

In the previous megapost, there were two.
posted by JiBB at 12:21 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

I should think, though, that there would be some industry pressure to make sure food suppliers were providing safe products, even outside the influence of the USDA.
posted by XXXXXX
Have I got an Upton Sinclair book for you!
But seriously, I agree, wash and cook your food is great advice always, and particulary now
posted by Anchorite_of_Palgrave at 12:53 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Before the fold I hoped for a talk.bizarre type thing not tied to politics or megathreads.

- This is specifically intended for the current political shitshow - we have a various other venues for cheerful humor or chatting.

Bah!
posted by zengargoyle at 12:57 AM on January 19, 2019

Philadelphia will be, as they say, so fucking lit on the day that Trump dies/goes to jail.
posted by angrycat at 1:16 AM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Am I a bad person for wishing that would happen ASAP (first the jailing, of course, then the dying in jail)?
posted by GrammarMoses at 6:00 AM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Have I got an Upton Sinclair book for you!

Oh, I’ve read “The Jungle”, but I was thinking more along the lines of the Chipotle effect where their business tanks because they keep having outbreaks. We’ve got social media now, and I can’t imagine McDonalds or whoever would blithely accept losing tens of millions of dollars every time a tweet goes viral that their food isn’t safe.
posted by Autumnheart at 7:14 AM on January 19, 2019

Am I a bad person for ...

If that's bad.... then let's be bad guys.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 7:21 AM on January 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Current thought experiment: Trump's "humble thyself" moment.

It's good for the occasional guffaw/sob.
posted by carsonb at 7:59 AM on January 19, 2019

Philadelphia will be, as they say, so fucking lit on the day that Trump dies/goes to jail.

They'll need to grease the lampposts again.
posted by biogeo at 8:10 AM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

And pick up the horse poop.
posted by Autumnheart at 8:12 AM on January 19, 2019

Sorry because this is sort of hybrid - not really funny, but US megathread orthogonal...

If you are an Old like me, you might remember the cool 80s band Midnight Oil, their big breakout album in North America was 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1. So on that album one of the slower, more contemplative pieces is Maralinga, I think it is about an atomic test site in the outback.

Anyways, as I continue trudging through my second full time job, reading the US Megathreads, man it has been two years now WTF? I try to participate elsewhere on site when I can but there is no time, and sorry brothers and sisters, job one is witnessing this clusterfuck history happening right now. Yeah it is stressful, and probably healthier to just focus on my work or my art or hobbies or whatever. But I have always been an aware person politically, history and geopolitics is my thing, and this is obviously a nexus point - probably as important as the Berlin Wall coming down and the fall of communism. Just slower motion, dumber, and with much less scope for optimism. Oh, and yeah, the world really is ending this time.

So no choice, gotta watch.

So, the last few weeks, as the Democrats start powering up the spotlights and the cockroaches scurry, and Drumpf flails around like the spooked horse in the hospital that he is, that is the song that comes into my mind every time I open the thread to put in a new shift.

"I want to be here at the end"


So watch and check them out and listen as we learn
Throw the pearls before the swine, ebb and flow and turning tide
Yes we watch and catch them down no matter how they jump
The pigs will have to come to ground,we've got to make it happen now
It's not really that new, try and make it happen now
What are we to do, maybe there's a chance for you

All around, an eerie sound
Their dreams a cloud, their world in shrouds
In the wind, the ashes fly
Not much time, but time to try
And if you can't see the smile in me, that's where I want to be
I want to be here at the end, I have to be here at the end
Yeah, we must be here at the end

Witness, brothers and sisters. Sucks to be here but awfully nice to have such good company!
posted by Meatbomb at 11:44 AM on January 19, 2019 [9 favorites]

maybe reality has more power than we think. god i hope so.
posted by valkane at 1:35 PM on January 19, 2019

Ann Coulter: Trump proposes amnesty. We voted for Trump and got Jeb!

Please clap him in irons.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:39 PM on January 19, 2019 [13 favorites]

Torgo also had weird issues with women, IIRC
posted by angrycat at 1:51 PM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

He just thought women were objects that he was entitled to be given as a member of a privileged group.

So not actually weird or unusual in the slightest.
posted by Scattercat at 1:53 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

They'll need to grease the lampposts again.

My favorite part of that was it stopped nothing. There were still dudes climbing lampposts- just slippery dudes climbing lampposts.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 1:54 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I mean you can just imagine a Torgo voice admonishing people to refer to the woman he kidnaps or whatever as mother
posted by angrycat at 2:02 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Typical Trump: “I’ll let you keep what you’ve got if you give me everything I Want.”
posted by valkane at 2:08 PM on January 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Typical Trump: “I’ll let you keep what you’ve got if you give me everything I Want.”

Typical 5 year old.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:57 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Golly!

My portraits have officially been relegated to the Hyucking Hyuck thread!

Anyways, I have been sadly remiss in my duties as far as being a renderer of insipid morons, wherever they might be, and my biggest failure so far has been a lack of a Rudy Giuliani portrait.

So, here it is!
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 3:00 PM on January 19, 2019 [18 favorites]

Thanks. I hate it. him.
posted by yoga at 3:44 PM on January 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

Phlegmco, none of those morons deserve your talent.
posted by yoga at 3:50 PM on January 19, 2019 [10 favorites]

We don't need no education
posted by petebest at 4:04 PM on January 19, 2019

Maybe I'm buzzkilling here (or this belongs in a fucking fuck thread), but Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert a couple of nights ago made fun of Twittler's misspellings and autocorrect -

Fuck me if those misspellings aren't meant to distract. How many times have you had to over-ride autocorrect to properly spell a non-standard name or technical jargon or something?

The hamberders thing - flip the d around and it looks kind of like a g. I'm convinced that someone is massaging his tweets to add shit like that. The alternate explanation is that there really is some kind of organic (ie., physical, via aneurysm or chronic CO poisoning or the like, vs psychological) brain damage is involved.
posted by porpoise at 4:13 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Autumnheart - "Wash your veggies and cook all your meat well-done."

Two things.

1) Yes! Always wash your veggies. I distrust boxed/bagged salads (even though I'm in Canada - at least some are sourced from the US even if the packagers are in Canada). For whole veggies - especially like lettuce/esp. romaine where the inner leaves develop below the level of the media ("soil") before fully sprouting into vegetative growth.

I can easily see companies "authorize" unsafe pesticide spraying (amounts, timing) in order to gain a few percentage points in efficiency that they'd otherwise "eat" (into profits) in order to pass tests/ remain compliant.

2) "meat well-done" provides zero protection against contamination. Yes, living microorganisms can cause illness, but endotoxins and exotoxins of all stripes are present in/ produced by microorganisms. The vast majority of these cannot be destroyed by heat (barring turning the contaminated meat into charcoal). You CAN NOT cook away food poisoning.

Major endotoxins are LPS (lipopolysaccharides) and PG (peptidoglycan) although flaggelin and some others have been known to cause epidemiological-level food poisoning. Ochratoxins are produced by certain species of fungus - these don't cause food poisoning, but long term exposure drastically increases epidemiological risks of liver cancer (see SE Asian countries mid-century trying to increase protein availability via peanuts - the "government peanut butter" had dangerous levels of various ochratoxins leading to an epidemic of liver cancer).

--

At least marijuana (c'mon Americans - start calling it Cannabis! gawd, I still feel ashamed that the Harper gov' called it Marihuana [with the capital M] in official documents/ regulations) is regulated at the State level and State tests for purity and potency are still in effect.

(But just about all jurisdictions need to have better controls on testing - testing labs need much more strict oversight, and the testing regime needs to be much more comprehensive. I think it's even a problem in Canada's federally regulated environment - we need to be a lot stricter about a lot of other stuff.

(I'm in the industry in Canada, and have too many relevant graduate degrees to ignore what's going on)
posted by porpoise at 4:33 PM on January 19, 2019 [6 favorites]

It's hard for me to express how proud I am of AOC. And Cardi B. I know they are very different people with very different roles, but they are both people who could reach my students. There's something really fucking satisfying to see women utilize social media in this deadly serious yet simultaneously light-hearted way. I maintain that it is classically stoic to be flinging insults and sort of having a good time while you fight the good fight, and AOC with her 'where's Mitch' routine and Cardi B's going full-on Bronx with her denunciation of Trump are sort of examples of that kind of stoicism.

I mean Pelosi is swinging some kind of Thor-hammer-grade-shade too, but I'm pretty sure that my students (freshman junior college) are not like excitedly ordering the iconic Pelosi red coat.
posted by angrycat at 5:20 PM on January 19, 2019 [10 favorites]

This is still what I see & hear no matter what image or footage of trump is playing.
posted by yoga at 6:16 PM on January 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

Why would they release a notice about naturalization without saying who it is?

That seems weird. If the potus is involved it has to be someone important right?

Maybe it's him. Anyone seen The Cheeto's birth certificate? That would be an ultimate projection.
posted by Mitheral at 6:48 PM on January 19, 2019

Whoever it is, I'm betting they recently spent a whole lot of money on a Trump property.
posted by MrVisible at 7:06 PM on January 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yeah, this is my surprised face when we find out Trump naturalized a bunch of generous property buyers like some kind of fucked up White House garage sale.
posted by loquacious at 7:16 PM on January 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

Let us gaze upon Donnie in DC
With his morals perfectly greasy
And a minuscule brain
That none can restrain
He’s turning the country to feces

(mike pop started it! Don’t blame me!)
posted by skyscraper at 7:44 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Frozen by leopards
Faces a rictus of fear
Now blue in a drift
posted by skyscraper at 8:06 PM on January 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

Torgo also had weird issues with women, IIRC

This doesn't exactly narrow it down, though
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:16 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Suggestion: this experiment could be improved by letting us use the img tag. Just in this thread, of course. Please please please!
posted by homunculus at 9:01 PM on January 19, 2019 [8 favorites]

Not gonna happen.

Stop trying to make inline images happen.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 9:04 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

They don't gotta be inline. They could be outta line.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:14 PM on January 19, 2019 [11 favorites]

Okay okay. Blink tag and meme generators. Deal.
posted by petebest at 9:35 PM on January 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

Blink tag still works, your browser just doesn't render it.
posted by Mitheral at 4:38 AM on January 20, 2019

Almost a serious question: is Giuliani’s political and financial success post 9-11 the result of some kind of last monkey paw wish and the fine print twist is that, when directly questioned about his crimes, he will inevitably, accidentally, no matter how hard he resists, tell the truth?

Or is there some neurological condition that can result in Liar Liar disease?

Those are, IMO, the most likely explanations for Giuliani’s tv appearances. Monkey paw or Liar Liar syndrome.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:16 AM on January 20, 2019 [5 favorites]

YouTube: SNL - Deal or No Deal: Government Shutdown Edition
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:25 AM on January 20, 2019 [2 favorites]

As usual, by the time I found this thread *and* reached the end of it, I forgot the snark I was coming here to write.

Next time.
posted by infini at 9:57 AM on January 20, 2019 [7 favorites]

Gah, why does SNL have to make Pelosi seem slightly villainous? They need to do a skit where she's basically Wonder Woman because she fucking is.
posted by angrycat at 10:04 AM on January 20, 2019 [16 favorites]

Gah, why does SNL have to make Pelosi seem slightly villainous?

SNL has a history of doing this to female leaders, especially politicians. See: their treatment of Hillary Clinton.
posted by Anonymous at 12:47 PM on January 20, 2019

It’s the second anniversary of the Trump presidency! I grade him “A+”, where the A stands for Appallingly Abysmal Avarice, an Atrocious Antagonism Anathema Among All Altruistic Americans 🙏
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 12:52 PM on January 20, 2019 [4 favorites]

It's not just SNL, either. Seth Meyers' show is usually great with its political content, but every week or two they throw in an attack on Pelosi, often attacking her age / physical appearance.
posted by tonycpsu at 1:12 PM on January 20, 2019 [1 favorite]

With the success of the Fucking Fuck threadand the Hyucking Hyuck thread, I propose the Chucking Chuck thread for discussions of Chucks both Todd and Schumer, the Bucking Buck thread for who passes it and where it stops, and the Ducking Duck thread for when multicolored foreign ducks obsess the American media corps

With so many specific threads, nobody will have to talk to nobody
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:11 PM on January 20, 2019 [10 favorites]

Can we send Ray Walston, Dragon to a Lucking Luck thread?

Also a Hucking Huck (no y) thread for fans of Mark Twain's Finn and Hanna-Barbera's Hound.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:49 PM on January 20, 2019 [3 favorites]

So, Chuck Schumer walks into a DSA Event...

..not a joke he showed up unannounced at the Julia Salazar swearing in party, not on the program, and gave a ten minute canned lecture about inspiration and politics and basketball?

The controversy as it was is that he was allowed to talk for ten whole minutes without being booed.
posted by The Whelk at 3:16 PM on January 20, 2019 [11 favorites]

Very Important: 20 Year Challenge
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 3:26 PM on January 20, 2019 [8 favorites]

'TRE45ON'
That is all.
posted by Marticus at 6:17 PM on January 20, 2019 [13 favorites]

this Trump screaming at people that they're going to die like dogs is some fucking Greg Stillson shit
posted by angrycat at 5:06 AM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

..not a joke he showed up unannounced at the Julia Salazar swearing in party, not on the program, and gave a ten minute canned lecture about inspiration and politics and basketball?

*raises hand* Hi, uh, petebest, Hyucking Huck Thread News - uh, How did you know it was canned?

I mean. It is Chuck. He's like a machine.
posted by petebest at 5:31 AM on January 21, 2019

Were there TV cameras? That’s like setting out a cardboard box and being surprised when you find a cat sitting in it.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:51 AM on January 21, 2019 [10 favorites]

DUMP. CHUCK.
posted by schadenfrau at 6:36 AM on January 21, 2019

Also, a Nyucking Nyuck thread, so we can revive the Three Stooges.
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 7:02 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

Subhead of a Daniel Byman article in Slate posted in the megathread: "We need to have a serious debate about the causes of political violence, before the next attack."

I don't see why, I mean we don't have serious debates about the causes of any other types of violence in the US.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 8:46 AM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]

I don't see why, I mean we don't have serious debates about the causes of any other types of violence in the US.

Thoughts and prayers is the preferred answer, as always.
posted by nubs at 10:23 AM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Funny papers update: Darrin Bell does op-ed cartoons as well as a semi-topical comics-page "Candorville" in which one of the characters has just endorsed Kamala Harris. Meanwhile, editorial contrarian/crank and L.A.P.D. critic/victim Ted Rall has an opposing opinion.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:27 AM on January 21, 2019

Wow, the first few pages of Aaron Sorkin's new political show about an AOC-like congresswoman just leaked. don't know what to make of it
posted by Etrigan at 11:44 AM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

Aaron Sorkin is so 2004; we need an AOC show from Michael Schurr.
posted by oneswellfoop at 11:49 AM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Yeah, that’s not Sorkin, that’s not how a screenplay is formatted, and it reads like fanfic from Alex Jones.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:07 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

You can’t just stick a walk-and-talk in and call it a Sorkin parody. He’s got a specific tone and meter and that just wasn’t it. 2/5, parody better next time.
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:21 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]

But the lady tripped and fell while she was trying to be competent! That's 60% of Sorkin right there.
posted by gladly at 12:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]

AOC Takes Aaron Sorkin's Advice, Shoves It (Robyn Pennacchia, Wonkette)
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:50 PM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

No worries, Sorkin was just tripping balls. Possibly all of them.
posted by petebest at 1:59 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

President Donald Trump on Monday made an unannounced trip to the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial in Washington. The president did not mention the civil rights icon during the visit, which ended about two minutes after he arrived.

"But Mr. President, you haven't even touched on the subject of Martin Luther King Jr's memorial day!"

"There, I touched it. Can I go play now?"
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:12 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

But the lady tripped and fell while she was trying to be competent! That's 60% of Sorkin right there.

The other 40% is smarmy condescension towards women IRL.

From a few years back...the author of this piece recently did an *ahem* on Twitter to remind people of what a choad he really is...

How to get under Aaron Sorkin’s skin (and also, how to high-five properly)

Aaron Sorkin knows the weight of last words, and his last words to me, as we walk-and-talk out of the HBO press room, are: "Write something nice." He says this in the "Smile, honey" tone of much less successful jerks. It's not advice the Oscar-winning, show-bossing Jonathan Franzen of screenwriting would take himself, thank what gods there be. In Sorkinville, these gods are men.

[...]

"Listen here, Internet girl," he says, getting up. "It wouldn't kill you to watch a film or pick up a newspaper once in a while." I'm not sure how he's forgotten that I am writing for a newspaper; looking over the publicist's shoulder, I see that every reporter is from a print publication (do not see: Drew Magary). I remind him. I say also, factually, "I have a New York Times subscription and an HBO subscription. Any other advice?"

He looks surprised, then high-fives me. Being not a person who high-fives or generally makes physical contact with interview subjects, I look more surprised.

"I'm sick of girls who don't know how to high-five," he says. He makes me try to do it "properly," six times. He also makes me laugh; I'm nervous, and it's so absurd. He loves it. He says, "Let me manhandle you." Then he ambles off, hoping I'll write something nice, as though he has never known how the news works, how many stories can be true.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:18 PM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]

Sorkin was also opposed to the writer’s strike and said anyone upset over pay just needed a better agent.
posted by The Whelk at 2:35 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]

Please dunk in joke form.
posted by schadenfrau at 3:06 PM on January 21, 2019 [12 favorites]

Trump’s ‘Art of the Deal’ Is to Take Stuff Away, Then Offer It Back (David Boddiger, Splinter)

I think this makes Donny three years old.
posted by ZeusHumms at 3:16 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

Please dunk in joke form.

Sorkin's such a hack, people think he wrote Taxi Driver!
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:26 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

What's the worst way to slight HerrTrumper? For Pantone to introduce a new shade of orange and name it after somebody else (spoiler "Team Coco" for Conan O'Brien).
Although I think Gritty would feel more slighted...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:10 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]

Real cool ghost town we got over there in the thread, now. Really important to delete that comment to preserve decorum in said ghost town, now 🙄
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:22 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

(Proposing a Fyucking Hyuck thread here and now.) /hamberder
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:23 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Heck, I made an actual topical political joke in this thread and it's gotten nothin'; I don't see how yet another thread will help.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:33 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hence the hamberder ;(
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:34 PM on January 21, 2019

Fair point; my apologies for being obtuse.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:37 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]

No need to apologize: I piled in-jokes on in-jokes. Back to our irregularly scheduled Hyucks!
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:40 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: I piled in-jokes on in-jokes.

Next up: Fucking Stuck - A thread purely for stating that [Mueller, institutions, whatever] will not save you and telling you that [X thing that is one of the few things that some humor can be found in] is just a distraction.
posted by MysticMCJ at 8:40 PM on January 21, 2019 [7 favorites]

Rudy:I’m a criminal lawyer. I am not an ethicist.

Jesse Pinkman: "Seriously, when the going gets tough, you don't want a criminal lawyer. Alright, you want a criminal lawyer. You know what I'm saying?"
posted by nubs at 8:54 PM on January 21, 2019 [8 favorites]

Travis Allen on twitter:

Why can’t we use Thoughts and Prayers to protect the border?
It’s what we use to protect our schools.

posted by PontifexPrimus at 11:57 PM on January 21, 2019 [19 favorites]

The media keep stating that Trump is 'increasingly isolated'. It's frankly getting boring, there are so many other ways of saying that. Even if you want to use the exact same letters! Have some anagrams...


Increasingly Isolated
=
Is Destroying Alliance
=
Lying Idiot Erases Clan
=
Alone, Dissing Literacy
=
Resignedly Antisocial
=
Lying Asocial Resident.
posted by Too-Ticky at 12:17 AM on January 22, 2019 [13 favorites]

How much Chuck could a dump Chuck dump if a dumb Chuck could dump Chuck?
posted by loquacious at 2:48 AM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

We interrupt this Hyucking to bring you an *actual* topical political phone conversation! Dateline! Yesterday!

Me: Hey we're at the halfway point! Only 2 more years and we can all go home!
They: You're an optimistic one!
Me: Hey if not sooner am I right!
They: Oh man I wish I could be that optimistic.
Me: Oh please! People wouldn't be that stupid!
They: ...
Me: HAhahahaha
They: Hahahahaha
Me: Ahahahaaaaaaahaaaaaa
They: heh heh heh he heh
Me: AAaAaaaiiiiiggh!
They: OMG
posted by petebest at 5:23 AM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Anthony Scaramucci defends 11-day White House stint on 'Celebrity Big Brother' (Patrick Ryan, USA Today)

Must've been a fun conversation. I wonder if he'll last a full Scaramucci on the show.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:09 AM on January 22, 2019

So, wait, we're not allowed to post meme-type-pictures in here? Does it have to be creative commons licensed or something?
posted by petebest at 12:24 PM on January 22, 2019

The thing you had posted got flagged and apparently it's fake?
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:35 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

I've No More Fucks To Give
(Not Safe For Fucking Work)
posted by MrVisible at 12:58 PM on January 22, 2019 [4 favorites]

Watching that video - banjolele? guy with a beard? live music in a clothing store? - I thought for sure it had to have been made in Portland. I was shocked to learn that hipster culture has invaded the UK.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:34 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

The Ann Arbor District Library is the best deal in town!
posted by Wordshore at 2:38 PM on January 22, 2019 [5 favorites]

Careful, MrVisible, we don't want to turn this into the NoMoreFucking Fucks thread...

More Candorville candidacies...
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:49 PM on January 22, 2019

The thing you had posted got flagged and apparently it's fake?

A.. fake meme?

There is a non-zero chance I know nothing about the Internet. A chance that seems to increase with Moores-law-like regularity
posted by petebest at 3:25 PM on January 22, 2019

It's a quote of something that Trump, callous incurious shitheel though he is, never actually said, and the entire content of the quote is fake-Trump shitting on a bunch of other people. I know it's kind of a weird sliver of factors combining but yeah, it's been around and it's just three kinds of jerkery ladled on one another. No harm but also just nah.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:37 PM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Ohh yes a People magazine quote that never happened. Right. It's a fair cop.
But society's to blame.
posted by petebest at 3:46 PM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

It is profoundly strange to me that, of all the horrible things he says, someone would feel compelled to make up yet more fake things. Like, the world has entirely too much Donald Trump in it as it is; what would possess anyone to come up with more?
posted by zachlipton at 3:47 PM on January 22, 2019 [5 favorites]

so even in the joke-shunting MeTa rumpus room thread, we have to be protected from bad memes? we can't trust the "hey that's made up" "oh my bad" dynamic to play out?
posted by prize bull octorok at 3:49 PM on January 22, 2019

I would like to be protected from made up bullcrap, yes.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:51 PM on January 22, 2019 [9 favorites]

Which is why he needs to be impeached.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:17 PM on January 22, 2019 [4 favorites]

Here's a regular ongoing collection of past out-of-context Trump quotes from twitter.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:33 PM on January 22, 2019

This thread's an experiment; as experiments go it is working pretty okay so far as creating a space where people can riff without worrying about running awry of catch-all deletions of noisy/riffy stuff. We've deleted a total of four comments out of several hundred, two of which were long-form kinda gross jokes, one of which was the "no harm no foul but we've been around this particular fake quote thing a dozen times already" one discussed above, and one was a display error.

I don't know whether and how well this thread idea will work in the long run, but I'm hopeful it'll help provide an outlet for some of the riffy stuff folks value that nonetheless make the catch-alls hard to manage. But I wouldn't imagine it to be a fundamentally unmoderated thread, just one that operates more at the normal baseline standard of threads on MeFi. That'll include the occasional deletion, and I'm gonna remind folks that the best starting point for wanting to talk about a deletion is reaching out to the mods, not immediately redirecting the thread to a discussion of the objection to the deletion.

That this is a first thread in a new experimental venture means I'm not gonna be particularly salty about a little bit of inline metadiscussion nonetheless, but I'd rather we at least keep it to a "hey, what is gonna work well here as we sort this out" problem-solving vibe rather than descending into gripey or sarcastic stuff. We're all pretty zapped at this point, which is why people get short I know but also why it's so fuckin' valuable to have people make the effort to be a little kind even when they're annoyed.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:35 PM on January 22, 2019 [18 favorites]

As one who was frequently deleted from the megathreads for being too snarky or silly, I fully endorse this thread and will regularly contribute silliness and snarkiness to it.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:05 PM on January 22, 2019 [11 favorites]

53% of voters wish Obama was still President

*Sobs uncontrollably*
It me.
posted by greermahoney at 8:44 PM on January 22, 2019 [7 favorites]

I was unsure about this thread, but I think getting the thread activity lower in general for the megathreads is a good thing. They are more manageable for me, I can keep up with them with considerably less effort, which hopefully means they are more manageable for the mods than they have been before - and I’m sure many of the “humorous” comments on them were deleted for good reason.

An interesting part of them being more manageable is that I’m not losing as many minutes a day following along.... and that is actually a great thing for me, personally, and has lead to an impossible to ignore uptick in productivity. And that’s as a participant, not a mod. I cannot imagine the hell this must be for the mods to cull the comments on the megathreads.

I think a lot of us who have been participating in these threads for over two years have a hard time with this sort of change. We’ve gotten used to a certain behavior of these threads. Maybe that’s yet one more completely crazy thing that’s been normalized in this crazy time.

So I guess I’m ultimately OK with this experiment, but it sure is going to feel different.

I do have one request for the main thread - I was snarky about it above, but the “X will not save you” comments are things I find incredibly condescending and depressing and they are repeated endlessly. If we are killing some silly stuff from the megathreads, it would be good to also cull that particular bit of bleakness as well. I think just about everyone participating in the threads are well aware that no one sole thing will save us, but they are usually part of a larger toolkit that can help repair things, and are typically worthy of some discussion. It not being our sole savior doesn’t need repeating for every bit of interesting news re: mueller, for example, and literally adds nothing other than darkness to the main thread.
posted by MysticMCJ at 11:45 PM on January 22, 2019 [11 favorites]

Ha-ha. Ha.
The Onion: Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences
That is very funny. Because it is so absurd and unrealistic. Ha.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 4:00 AM on January 23, 2019 [13 favorites]

Abbi Crutchfield: It seems strange that Aaron Sorkin is criticizing young women on their choices considering he stole the glasses off Molly the American Girl doll.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:18 AM on January 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

> 53% of voters wish Obama was still President

If this administration is going to try and officially recognize Venezuela's opposition leader as the president, can we have every other country officially recognize Obama or Clinton as the US president?
posted by Arson Lupine at 9:15 AM on January 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

The Onion: Wealthy Teen Nearly Experiences Consequences
That is very funny. Because it is so absurd and unrealistic. Ha.

The Onion's stock in trade is jokes that are realistic, and pointing out how absurd things are by laying bare the bones of our reality for all to see...the best part of the article was the fact that it mentions the wealthy teen collided with a minivan carrying a family of four, and that's the only mention of anyone else being involved on this other side of the collision.

Bleak as fuck, black as night - that's how I like my humour sometimes.
posted by nubs at 9:26 AM on January 23, 2019 [10 favorites]

So let's hope nothing too involved hits their plates as they'll be desperately trying to cling to relevance for *something/Anything*.

What? It's been relevant since 1972!
posted by bink at 10:04 AM on January 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

I wonder how fast Pelosi can have made a "Schoolhouse Rock" style cartoon explaining how the SOTU and the joint resolution works. Tweet it with the header "We know you have trouble reading, so maybe this will explain why you will not be giving a speech on the 29th"
posted by Freon at 11:15 AM on January 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

So over on Daily Kos they are explaining why Trump can't just show up and give a speech uninvited, Pelosi could literally turn off the lights and cameras and mics and call a recess. And I had this sudden picture of Trump pulling a Clint Eastwood, yelling at empty chairs in an empty room in the darkness.

Do I laugh at this mental picture? I honestly don't know anymore.
posted by emjaybee at 11:15 AM on January 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

At least fomenting a coup in a South American Country is a normal thing a republican administration would do.
posted by The Whelk at 11:24 AM on January 23, 2019 [12 favorites]

I wonder how fast Pelosi can have made a "Schoolhouse Rock" style cartoon explaining how the SOTU and the joint resolution works. Tweet it with the header "We know you have trouble reading, so maybe this will explain why you will not be giving a speech on the 29th"

He has a short attention span. How about a simple "NO YUO!" sign.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:39 AM on January 23, 2019

Latest shutdown White House moves clearly orchestrated by Trump's domestic puppeteer: Stephen Miller (Joan McCarter, Daily Kos)

Any kind of real compromise anyone in the White House might take to Trump—who famously does or says what the last person to talk to him advises—will be shot down by Miller, who makes sure to be the last voice Trump hears. From all appearances, he's even in charge of the Senate.

For example, over the weekend the upcoming Senate vote was presented as a pure McConnavellian "screw the Democrats" bill: reopening government and millions and millions in disaster relief to make Democrats have a hard time voting against it, and the wall funding. What actually ended up dropping was so larded-up with political poison that no Democrat will feel compelled to support it. It's a Stephen Miller special, an anti-immigrant, anti-asylum white supremacist wish list.

I like the term McConnavellian.

One thing we know for sure: Trump is the puppet for two people—Stephen Miller and Vladimir Putin.

Baby Puppet Trump.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:48 AM on January 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

From the main thread:

The WH correspondent on MSNBC (whose name I missed, sorry) repeated as fact the common but false belief that Trump can't enter the Capitol unless invited

That's vampires, and thus only applies to Stephen Miller, but Pelosi just sent another letter telling Trump "yeah, no" so it's all good.
posted by emjaybee at 11:54 AM on January 23, 2019 [8 favorites]

If I'm able to avoid the bait of arguing about Chuck Schumer actually having a spine in 2020 in the main thread, I must be doing better.... but if that was to actually happen, I will bake a knife shaped cake and stab myself in the face with it repeatedly.
posted by MysticMCJ at 12:23 PM on January 23, 2019 [8 favorites]

*checks rulebook*

It is acceptable.
posted by petebest at 12:35 PM on January 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

ME, checking Twitter while writing "Covfefe in Nambia (JIMMY BUFFETT PARODY)" for ten viewers on YouTube: Hamberders?? fuck!!! he's just too freaking random!!!!

MY LONG SUFFERING WIFE: Yes dear, he is. Your song is very funny though.
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 1:16 PM on January 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

It isn't worth talking about in the megathread, but it's pretty funny that Trump's official derogatory nickname for Nancy Pelosi is... wait for it... "Nancy."
posted by diogenes at 1:36 PM on January 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

From the main thread,
scalefree:

He shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient;

Says nothing about timing, format or location. Could be a letter, a MAGA rally or an MP3 published to whitehouse.gov.

@realdonaldtrump: Oh wow this blew up. Check out the SOTU on my Soundcloud
posted by mhum at 2:08 PM on January 23, 2019 [11 favorites]

it's pretty funny that Trump's official derogatory nickname for Nancy Pelosi is... wait for it... "Nancy."
Maybe he's just confusing her with the comic strip character... of course, the comics' Nancy is having a renaissance herself...
The editorial cartoons are being mostly unfair to Pelosi, but I haven't seen yet her depicted with Comics Nancy's hair...
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:11 PM on January 23, 2019

Ari Melber has Carter Page, Jerome Corsi, Sam Nunberg and Michael Caputo on his show and it is like four rejects from the Joker's gang
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 3:46 PM on January 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

it's pretty funny that Trump's official derogatory nickname for Nancy Pelosi is... wait for it... "Nancy."

The worst insult he can imagine is that his target is a woman.
posted by Etrigan at 4:08 PM on January 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

All the talk about who should present the SotU rebuttal. It should be AOC from the house podium to make the magasphere explode.
posted by Marticus at 4:50 PM on January 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

“I’m asking why you and the polling questions, respectfully, are still saying ‘wall’ when the president said you can call it whatever you want,” Conway said.

"Trump's Folly" is my suggestion . . .
posted by flug at 6:00 PM on January 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

And while I have the floor:

However, Trump himself appears to not have gotten the message, tweeting multiple times Tuesday morning about the need to “BUILD A WALL.”

Trump has gone off the reservation once again. "BUILD WALL" is the one and only accepted formulation.
posted by flug at 6:03 PM on January 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

BUILD WALL

I Love Lamp.
posted by Marticus at 6:07 PM on January 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

“I’m asking why you and the polling questions, respectfully, are still saying ‘wall’ when the president said you can call it whatever you want,” Conway said.
Relocated Trump Tower Moscow, duh.
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:57 PM on January 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

From the main thread:
He gets told "no" by one woman he's required to listen to, and he folds completely.

Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Maybe Pelosi is the new Putin.
posted by ctmf at 9:12 PM on January 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

The whole thing with the mace in Parliament from a few weeks back was super fucking weird and I was thrilled to learn today that the US House of Representatives has their own mace too. Someone brandish that fucking thing!
posted by GalaxieFiveHundred at 9:31 PM on January 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yes, as I've said on record, eventually all news will be about orbs (such as the one on the congressional mace).
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:42 PM on January 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

The speedrun memers were right!
posted by knuckle tattoos at 11:04 PM on January 23, 2019

Q:How many Drumpfs does it take to screw in an orb?
A: I've never met that dog, come on she is not classy enough for me, those payments were for unrelated consulting.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:11 AM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

To maximize his SOTU viewership numbers, this is what he's gotta do:

WHEN - ASAP
WHERE - from someplace with no extradition treaty
WHAT - use SOTU to announce resignation effective immediately.

Literally everyone will want to see THAT.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 2:10 AM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

2019 is being woken by a 2AM storm, then lying in bed awake reporting tweets by some weirdo with a jones for games, guns, Russian Orthodoxy, and threatening journalists.

All the talk about who should present the SotU rebuttal. It should be AOC from the house podium to make the magasphere explode.

AOC should give the rebuttal on Twitch while playing Super Mario and raising money for food banks.
posted by octobersurprise at 6:45 AM on January 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

AOC should give the rebuttal on Twitch while playing Super Mario and raising money for food banks.

"The Trump administration, or as I think of it, the Water Level Presidency, insists that..."
posted by Etrigan at 7:04 AM on January 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

shadenfrau, Megathread: It occurs to me that the Super Bowl is, what, next week? Soon. In Atlanta, right?

Can the Atlanta airport handle that right now?

-_- we ain't ready fer some football
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 7:24 AM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

They should just cancel the Super Bowl. Just give the damn trophy to the Patriots and forego the whole annoyance. /grouchy patriot hater
posted by yoga at 7:25 AM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Willnur Ross’ let them eat cake moment is seriously testing my ability to believe in consensual reality
posted by The Whelk at 7:37 AM on January 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

Yeah I mean is he seriously scratching his head and asking why or is he just like, hey, what are you going to say when you're starving people for the sake of a political agenda.
posted by angrycat at 7:40 AM on January 24, 2019

we ain't ready fer some football

All my federal friends are drivin' uber tonight
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:41 AM on January 24, 2019 [9 favorites]

So I just found out from the shutdown thread that creating a custom challenge coin isn't anywhere near as expensive as I thought... www.customadecoins.com seems to be a good source. I think we need a MeFi Megathread challenge coin, but I have no idea what the hell it would actually look like.

Under ideal circumstances it would have a lead or bismuth core (depending on your opinions of toxicity), so it could be easily used to weigh things down, but I'm afraid that's not an option.
posted by MysticMCJ at 7:44 AM on January 24, 2019 [12 favorites]

"I mean, why don't they have one of their servants fetch them another fat bag or two of money from the bank? How can that be too hard for them?"
posted by PontifexPrimus at 7:44 AM on January 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

I vote for the slogan along the outside to be “[we are not re-litigating 2016 in here]”
posted by Huffy Puffy at 7:48 AM on January 24, 2019 [11 favorites]

"fabam et laminam"
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:16 AM on January 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

The only stock market I want to hear about today is the current price of the stocks we're going to buy to place Wilbur Ross in out front of Judiciary Square so that we can throw a very specific kind of cake at him.
posted by aspersioncast at 8:26 AM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

but I have no idea what the hell it would actually look like.

As long as it has "!!! NEW COIN --> !!!" on the bottom, I'll buy one.
posted by Etrigan at 8:57 AM on January 24, 2019 [14 favorites]

The only stock market I want to hear about today is the current price of the stocks we're going to buy to place Wilbur Ross in out front of Judiciary Square so that we can throw a very specific kind of cake at him.

This has got to be the first time a guillotine has ever been prepared for a guy named Wilbur.
posted by Etrigan at 8:58 AM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

A strange Charlotte's Web / Animal Farm crossover
posted by BungaDunga at 9:04 AM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I think we need a MeFi Megathread challenge coin, but I have no idea what the hell it would actually look like.

I propose that heads be the image of a dumpster fire.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 9:07 AM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Wait, or “248 new comments, show“
posted by Huffy Puffy at 9:09 AM on January 24, 2019 [10 favorites]

That's what happened no matter how Fox News or the Moonies at the Washington Times or the Riefenstahls at the NYT try to spin it

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn
posted by petebest at 9:46 AM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

via the Guardian:

In other news, the American people have spoken and they want Cardi B to give the State of the Union rebuttal.

Late night host Stephen Colbert started the petition to get the singer to deliver the response. It now has more than 24,000 retweets and nearly 47,000 likes.

Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome)

I am starting a petition for the Democrats to let @iamcardib give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Sign it by retweeting this!
January 24, 2019

posted by Little Dawn at 9:52 AM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Metafilter: Assume a spherical dumpster-fire
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:00 AM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

@skolanach [video]: Fixed it: Wilbur Ross dubbed over Mr. Burns
posted by zachlipton at 10:20 AM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Spherical fire in microgravity.

Lets just launch it into space.
posted by porpoise at 10:20 AM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm totally not kidding about the challenge coin. I'm all-in on this. We'll know if it has a chance if we're asked to create a separate thread on it.

The dumpster fire popped in my head as well - but I will settle for any form of fire. Cake is also acceptable imagery.
posted by MysticMCJ at 10:23 AM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Guys at this point Nancy Pelosi could kick a puppy and I’d be like “well it barked a lot.”

MAKE HIM CRY, NANCY.
posted by schadenfrau at 10:26 AM on January 24, 2019 [17 favorites]

Does robocop is bleeding do coin designs? He did a seal, and that feels damn close.

The shipping+envelope is going to end up costing around as much as the coin though.
posted by zachlipton at 10:30 AM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I wonder if Trump would still feel the same way about TV if there was a sitcom about him.
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:36 AM on January 24, 2019

True, but isn't the end product of a glorious coin commemorating our collective experiences here worth it?

Fair warning - I am rather notorious for my grand ideas and starting projects that I have no idea how I will see out that I rarely finish. But rarely doesn't mean "never"... I can at the very least commit to a good chunk of paying for all of this.
posted by MysticMCJ at 10:42 AM on January 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

If it's not made of chocolate, this whole friggin' system is out of order!
posted by petebest at 12:05 PM on January 24, 2019

I was thrilled to learn today that the US House of Representatives has their own mace too

The House's mace is THE BEST MACE because it is also a fasces!

A fasces being a bundle of rods that, starting in the Roman Republic, was carried by someone who had the authority of the Senate and People of Rome. It's unfortunately also the root word for "fascist" but that's because those dipshits were looking for something good, cool, and historical to steal, like the nazis ruining swastikas in the west.

Anyway, it's the best mace because lots of other maces follow the UK's tradition of being a symbol of royal authority, of "hey the king lets us do this shit," but the House's mace is quietly saying WE'RE CLAIMING A LINEAGE BACK TO THE ROMAN REPUBLIC WE DON'T NEED KINGS YOU HANOVER BASTARDS.*

The big bas-relief art behind the Speaker's dais: also fasces, wrapped in laurel wreaths. The bas-relief ones even have the axe-head!

*The current mace only dates from 1842, replacing a mace lost when the British (NOT THE CANADIANS!) burned DC in 1814. I don't know what the original mace looked like and it may well have been a sniveling, cowardly, royal-looking mace, but I'm not going to let this get in the way and neither should you.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 12:16 PM on January 24, 2019 [18 favorites]

(In a better world there would be at least one post-colonial, post-revolutionary regime's legislature that had a ceremonial kalashnikov as a symbol of the people's authority)

(President Camacho doesn't count because that's in the future)
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 12:19 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

Re challenge coin for Megathread, if we can do it in some way that it benefits MeFi, that would be bonus. I propose one side have cake, the other side has dumpster fire, with the words, New Comments...Show? On the side with fire, and it’s going to be okay, on the cake side.

Also, I am in for said coin.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 12:53 PM on January 24, 2019 [18 favorites]

Yes, it should definitely benefit MeFi. I'm positive that anyone who is in for a challenge coin in honor of long lived politics threads would have no issue with that, and would be up for a fun way to offset some of the load we've generated.
posted by MysticMCJ at 1:31 PM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

They should just cancel the Super Bowl. Just give the damn trophy to the Patriots and forego the whole annoyance. /grouchy patriot hater

Hey, they lost last year. Clearly the answer to making the Patriots lose is to make them play when it's horribly cold outside.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:36 PM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

And now he's called an unscheduled press pool to talk about the FART act. [real].

This has broken me. We are economically flushing ourselves down the toilet with the FART Act.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 2:11 PM on January 24, 2019 [13 favorites]

Free medical marijuana for furloughed federal employees

(It seems only fair that employee drug testing shouldn't apply to anyone who isn't getting paid, but I rather suspect it doesn't work that way.)
posted by zachlipton at 2:35 PM on January 24, 2019 [6 favorites]

I know that Ted Cruz is vile, but I can't bring myself to hate the beard that his skinsuit is growing.
posted by porpoise at 2:56 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Faint of Butt in the megathread today:
How to move the Overton Window: Elizabeth Warren to propose new ‘wealth tax’ on very rich Americans, economist says

I love the plan, but it needs better branding. Call it a "hoarding tax." We don't want to hurt all people with wealth, just the ones who sit on it like fucking Smaug and contribute nothing to society.

It would clearly have to be the Smaug Tax.
posted by carsonb at 2:59 PM on January 24, 2019 [16 favorites]

hoyooooooo
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:01 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

The Smu-ouwg tax?
posted by paper chromatographologist at 3:04 PM on January 24, 2019

It would clearly have to be the Smaug Tax.

Get out of my brain.
posted by Barack Spinoza at 3:36 PM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

I know that Ted Cruz is vile, but I can't bring myself to hate the beard that his skinsuit is growing.

He seems to be going for Ra's al Ghul, but getting Ra's al Tool.
posted by jason_steakums at 3:39 PM on January 24, 2019 [8 favorites]

> CNN, Exclusive: White House preparing draft national emergency order and identified $7 billion for wall
[...]
The story is careful to note that there's no firm plan he'll sign it, just that the order is being prepared and updated.

The Boy Who Cried Wall
posted by Arson Lupine at 3:39 PM on January 24, 2019 [4 favorites]

the FART act

Colbert's writing room should send a gift basket.
posted by nubs at 4:44 PM on January 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

Random coin thoughts:

• It should be a 2018 coin, with references specific to the last cycle (we may want to repeat every couple years)
• E.g., "xxx new comments, show" could show the largest number of comments in last year's megathreads.
• Alternately, use the year. "2018 new comments, show"
• If we spring for color, a blue wave should be somewhere
• Possibly memorialize the poor mods around one edge.

posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 4:56 PM on January 24, 2019 [7 favorites]

I was originally ambivalent about the color, I like the blue - fitting for the site as well.

> we may want to repeat every couple years

I’d imagine the mods will have a thing or two to say about that, as I’m pretty sure they don’t want to repeat the conditions that lead to anyone thinking a challenge coin memorializing a style of thread is a good idea.
posted by MysticMCJ at 6:21 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

I know that Ted Cruz is vile, but I can't bring myself to hate the beard that his skinsuit is growing.

I can. It’s godawful. He’s shaving it WAY too high up the neck. I don’t know if he’s trying for the George Lucas “if my fat neck has no hair, no one will see it” magic trick (which....no) or what, but he has a squat jaw and a meaty little chin (as do I, fwiw) and shaving the beard right up to the jawline is really emphasizing that in a not great way. He needs to grow out the under-chin portion to lengthen his face. Really, letting it grow naturally and only cleaning up any especially scraggly edges would make it look much better on him.
posted by Sys Rq at 6:26 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

Maybe Teddy’s beard will grow sentient from all the soup Cruz hoards (true fact), it will wrest control from the cockroaches driving his skin suit, and then, maybe Teds beard will grow three sizes that day, and he’ll show some sign of human empathy.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 6:52 PM on January 24, 2019 [3 favorites]

Thanks for shining the ugly lights on the illusion! Yeah, that's cut waay too high.

and he’ll show some sign of human empathy.

And then the beard runs on a democratic socialist platform.
posted by porpoise at 7:12 PM on January 24, 2019 [2 favorites]

the "I'm trying to contour a jawline" nature of Ted Cruz's beard

Dogg I cannot brook the gossamer bloatee
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:44 PM on January 24, 2019 [13 favorites]

It pains me to say something almost-but-not-quite-nice about Cruz, but I think it looks ok. Maybe a stylist could teach him how to make it even better, but it's waaaaay better than without. Like, almost like a person I would like, if it wasn't Ted Cruz.
posted by ctmf at 8:07 PM on January 24, 2019 [1 favorite]

Guys the beard means he’s ready to enter the “fruiting body” phase and disperse his many spores
posted by The Whelk at 8:25 PM on January 24, 2019 [45 favorites]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:38 PM on January 24, 2019 [10 favorites]

Speaking of spores, Roger Stone got hyucking arrested this morning.

I keep thinking of Lionel Hutz and his ad.

“No collusion!” = “No: collusion.”
posted by Barack Spinoza at 4:45 AM on January 25, 2019 [21 favorites]

"Actually, replace 'accidentally' with 'repeatedly.' And replace 'collusion' with 'witness tampering and lying to Congress.'"
posted by box at 5:10 AM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

[Ed. note: Ha haa! Thought I didn't copy it to the clipboard eh? Well, now you'll see *this* cat has cars! Whos the now dog, man?]

SCENE: early morning MetaFilter. A light fog grazes slowly over the comments. Suddenly a comment rang out! A door slammed. The maid screamed. A pirate ship appears on the horizon!

It looks like Roger Stone's been
(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Unturned.

YEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
posted by petebest at 5:25 AM on January 25, 2019 [20 favorites]

Does this Stone roll over?
posted by nubs at 6:06 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

No one warned me about the news, I saw the headlines, and now I may be turning into a ball of light
posted by schadenfrau at 6:11 AM on January 25, 2019 [13 favorites]

future related AskMe: can I eat this ball of light?
posted by schadenfrau at 6:13 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

(I know that makes....very little sense, but I think it's about on par for this timeline)
posted by schadenfrau at 6:25 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

The Evil Overlord list is clear: NEVER consume a ball of energy bigger than your head.
posted by Freon at 6:31 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

(President Camacho doesn't count because that's in the future)

This is your reminder that Terry Crews was all set to reprise the role of President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho in 2016 for a series of anti-Trump ads, but ultimately the project didn't happen.

But what happened with the new ads was that the writer, Etan Cohen, decided to call them “anti-Trump,” and. . . it killed the comedy. Both Mike and I were, like, “I’m not interested in being anti-anything.” As a comedian—and this is the truth—once you start picking sides, it’s not funny anymore. So we decided to hold off, and we didn’t do it.

He did bring Camacho back in 2012 though.
posted by Servo5678 at 6:40 AM on January 25, 2019

Mr. Cardinal had me play the guessing game as to who was indicted first thing this morning. When he said, "Roger Stone", I had that old EMF song Unbelievable start going through my head...the lyrics of which are in some places seem quite relevant. Robert Mueller is, of course, the one who is "unbelievable".

You burden me with your questions
You'd have me tell no lies
You're always asking what it's all about, darlin' listen to my replies
You say to me I don't talk enough
But when I do I'm a fool
These times I've spent, I've realized
I'm going to shoot through and leave you

The things, you say
Your purple prose just gives you away
The things, you say
You're unbelievable (what the fuck?)

Anyway, Roger Stone is a jackass.
posted by Excommunicated Cardinal at 6:43 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

@Phineas: Do Don Jr. next. I want to hear Trump say he’s never met him.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 6:43 AM on January 25, 2019 [38 favorites]

So I usually fall asleep with the radio on. This morning the Stone news woke me up. I was dead asleep and some part of my brain heard "Roger Stone indicted" and it dragged me straight awake. For a minute I sincerely thought I had dreamed it until I hunted down my phone.

Not a bad way to start the day for me, possibly the worst morning he's had for a while.
posted by BungaDunga at 6:48 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

As a comedian—and this is the truth—once you start picking sides, it’s not funny anymore.

lol this is such a cop out. Mike Judge is a conservative. Comedy works when you tell the truth.

It's as though Stephen Colbert just never existed.

(seriously though that's very disappointing)
posted by schadenfrau at 6:49 AM on January 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

I woke this morning, saw the words "pre-dawn raid," and the delight, shock, and exhilaration felt as if I'd entered the eye of some historical hurricane.
posted by octobersurprise at 7:07 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

Your purple prose just gives you away

THATS the lyric?? I don’t have any idea what I used to sing along with in the radio, but it was... not that.
posted by greermahoney at 7:10 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Bloomberg is reporting that flights are no longer coming into LaGuardia on the orders of the FAA due to a shortage of ATC staff.

Me: "Drone shuts down airport"
SO: "Oh? Which one?"
Me: "The fat orange one in the White House."
posted by Devonian at 7:11 AM on January 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

god i woke up wondering why there were so many more morning helicopters in harlem than usual and i am not only super glad it wasn't because the nypd murdered yet another a minority, i am even more glad to see an old white billionaire get the fucking glove slap
posted by poffin boffin at 7:12 AM on January 25, 2019 [13 favorites]

From the other thread:

Blake Hounshell (Politico)
How long has a CNN crew been sitting outside Stone’s house? Months?

Kaitlan Collins (CNN)
Retweeted Blake Hounshell
That would be @davidgshortell. He said on air that he got to Stone's house early this morning after they noticed some unusual grand jury activity in Washington yesterday.

You know you're in trouble when CNN is only a Stone's throw away.

sorry not sorry
posted by sgranade at 7:32 AM on January 25, 2019 [24 favorites]

SCHADENFREUDE FOR BREAKFAST, DELICIOUS
posted by Space Kitty at 7:32 AM on January 25, 2019 [13 favorites]

MegaThread cheeky derail/side rail:

bootlegpop: I've followed 2020fight for quite awhile. I always figured that her pick and name were intentionally obscure because a public school teacher who posted so many things that angered right wing people so often would have to be stupid to attach their real info to their account.

ZeusHumms: But now there is additional scrutiny over how the video became so widely viewed after Twitter suspended the @2020fight account on Monday, following a CNN investigation into several suspicious aspects of the account. The @2020fight account followed over 37,000 users and averaged 210 posts and likes a day, which experts say are classic signs that an account may be automated or inauthentic.

Emphasis mine -- I understand that hyperactive teens can look like bots with regard to their twitter activity, but a teacher? Shouldn't they be, you know, teaching? Are they spending all their breaks keeping up their conservative, hate-spewing profile, or are they tweeting and liking during class?

Or is it possible to do all that in their personal time, yet still look bot-like in activity? Asking as a non-Twitterer (my Twitter account is pretty dead, as I still don't understand the platform).
posted by filthy light thief at 7:36 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

The fact these two are neighbors is surprising and, if you know anything about Florida, makes total sense. LOL, "My neighbor Roger"
posted by mcstayinskool at 7:42 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Someone needs to go back through the megathreads and analyse just how much the US has changed on average between the start and the end. The current one started with constitutional pettiness and the shutdown, and we're now on dawn raids by the FBI.

Eventually we're going to start with "45 Indicted" and end with "actually, nothing in the constitution says a dog can't be vice president".
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 8:01 AM on January 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

LOL, "My neighbor Roger"

Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood will never be the same.
posted by nubs at 8:05 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

a bit of schadenfreude on seeing this on the Washington Post website this morning
posted by exogenous at 8:05 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

Moving the smartass comment I want to make on the main megathread over here. From this:

I noticed the other day that the website for the office of the Special Counsel says:

Due to the lapse in appropriations, Department of Justice websites will not be regularly updated. The Department’s essential law enforcement and national security functions will continue. Please refer to the Department of Justice’s contingency plan for more information.
Information for employees during the lapse in appropriations.

But they got the indictment of Roger Stone uploaded right on time!

Thanks anonymous federal IT person who took the time to do that unpaid.

Heck, they got a guy indicted while not being paid. JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO NOT GET INDICTED. That's an even better ambush.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:06 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With indictments sown
Are you rolling, Stone?
posted by nubs at 8:12 AM on January 25, 2019 [16 favorites]

Someone needs to go back through the megathreads and analyse just how much the US has changed on average between the start and the end.

I have completely given up predicting the direction the news will go when composing a megathread FPP (note how quickly the lede ¶'s in the previous two threads were eclipsed by breaking news or otherwise fizzled out). The tag "newsvortex" is my own little joke about this.
posted by Doktor Zed at 8:13 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

It's really cold here in Chicago today. I needed my new scarf - it's a Madame Defarge original!
posted by dnash at 8:20 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Someone on reddit said that if Trump wanted Hillary locked up he should have offered her a job in his campaign.
posted by Tarumba at 8:26 AM on January 25, 2019 [31 favorites]

Samantha Bee, regarding Stone and airport delays:

Fitting they are both down the same day since Roger Stone is the LaGuardia Airport of human beings.
posted by mikepop at 8:30 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Guys I may have to go to the hospital to get my schadenfreude gland lanced, it's leaking glee
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 8:31 AM on January 25, 2019 [29 favorites]

What's the over/under until a Trump family member is indicted?
posted by DirtyOldTown at 8:42 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Christine Pelosi knows that pause all too well: "That ... pause .... before “statement” is everything you need to know and nothing you want to experience firsthand."

Remember when Martha Stewart's daughter very briefly had a reality show that was just her and her friends watching Martha Stewart's show with the daughter's commentary?

I want a politics news highlight reel hosted by Christine Pelosi and...idk, there's gotta be another one.

They can have Meghan McCain on when they want to make fun of someone.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:44 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

"Sir, please put on your spats, homburg with the peacock feather, watch fob and prince-nez and come quietly."

-Patton Oswalt
posted by diogenes at 8:45 AM on January 25, 2019 [15 favorites]

Roger was only the coffee ghoul!
posted by Selena777 at 8:46 AM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

I want a politics news highlight reel hosted by Christine Pelosi and...idk, there's gotta be another one.

I'd be down with Cecile Richards and AOC joining that show. Cecile because of her mom and AOC to bring the fire.
posted by Sophie1 at 8:50 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Maybe Chelsea Clinton - oh, and Maxine Waters has two kids. Wonder how their shade game is?
posted by Sophie1 at 8:53 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

It seems like a good day to revisit this classic Twitter thread on Roger Stone.
posted by ITheCosmos at 8:59 AM on January 25, 2019 [13 favorites]

Or is it possible to do all that in their personal time, yet still look bot-like in activity? Asking as a non-Twitterer (my Twitter account is pretty dead, as I still don't understand the platform).

Twitter has features that allow 3rd party apps to post to it. This allowed for powerful apps that can post on a schedule, like an alarm clock. So @2020fight could easily get such an app, pay a monthly subscription for unlimited tweeting, and get to work, maybe even setting up posts from a laptop instead of a smartphone.

Facebook used to have these features, but shut them down at least a year ago.
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:21 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

My ppl I know coke dealers that have better sense than to talk about their criminal shit on fucking iMessage wtf were these guys thinking bragging about all this shit on Twitter and conspiring all of it in text messages???? smdh
posted by gucci mane at 9:25 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

I already have a bottle of champers chilling in the fridge waiting for just this day. I did for Paulie, for Mikey, and now this cretin.

Ima gonna need more champagne.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

So glad there is hyucking thread, so I had somewhere to share my sweeties bon mot - that Mr. Stone needs to add Trump to his back, a start on a Mt. Crook.

Now I'm considering other presidents.... Bush the younger? Andrew Jackson?
posted by dawg-proud at 9:31 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

ZeusHumms: " So @2020fight could easily get such an app, pay a monthly subscription for unlimited tweeting, and get to work, maybe even setting up posts from a laptop instead of a smartphone. "

If This Than That is free.
posted by Mitheral at 9:40 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Anyone criticizing the use of a S.W.A.T. team in Roger Stone's arrest clearly isn't familiar with the danger posed by his collection of trick umbrellas.
posted by T.D. Strange at 9:44 AM on January 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

Now I'm considering other presidents.... Bush the younger? Andrew Jackson?

Does Mt. Crook need to be only Presidents?
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:50 AM on January 25, 2019

I bet you anything Robert Kraft called him and explained how keeping the gov't closed would ratfuck the Superbowl and asked him to "Cave." :)
posted by Bacon Bit at 9:53 AM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Does Mt. Crook need to be only Presidents?
Too many candidates otherwise. He'd need to gain a couple hundred pounds.
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:54 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Facebook used to have these [auto posting] features, but shut them down at least a year ago.

That's where web scraping comes in handy.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 9:55 AM on January 25, 2019

Remember the Iraqi Information Minister? [photo]
posted by zachlipton at 9:55 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

It seems like a good day to revisit this classic Twitter thread on Roger Stone.

Omg that’s literally 100 savage Roger Stone burns in a row

Just relentless

Like watching a kaiju stomp on a Pomeranian
posted by schadenfrau at 10:16 AM on January 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

Bambi Meets Godzilla
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:22 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

And that’s the day that steampunk died.
posted by Selena777 at 10:24 AM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

Guys, highly specific pony request: if Nancy looks at this bullshit 3 week CR and says no, no more hostages for you, fund the government or gtfo, and then he folds, as he inevitably will, can someone do the breaking the bat cover but with Nancy-Bane in that coat?

Asking for me
posted by schadenfrau at 10:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

ITheCosmos: It seems like a good day to revisit this classic Twitter thread on Roger Stone.

Heh heh heh.

It's also worth revisting Quinn Cummings' moniker for Roger Stone:

Human Pinky Ring.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:33 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

On ILX someone described Stone as "the bootleg version of the Mike Pence action figure."
posted by octobersurprise at 10:36 AM on January 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

I spent all night working on Art and then woke up late and I can’t tell what’s a real or a hot take what is happen
posted by The Whelk at 10:37 AM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

This AskMe thread from March 2009 is more funny weird than funny haha given the world we're living in now, but I thought it was interesting.

It's called "The Propaganda Machine or just my imagination?" and it's asking about a perceived increase in right-wing propaganda on sites like Reddit and Digg.
posted by rue72 at 10:38 AM on January 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

Prosecutors say Stone made repeated references to “The Godfather: Part II” in December 2017 ...

“On multiple occasions … Stone told Person 2 that Person 2 should do a ‘Frank Pentangeli’ before [the committee] in order to avoid contradicting Stone’s testimony,” according to the indictment. “Pentangeli is a character in the film ‘The Godfather: Part II,’ which both Stone and Person 2 had discussed, who testifies before a congressional committee and in that testimony claims not to know critical information that he does in fact know.”

Anyone considering "doing a Frank Pentangeli" should realllllly watch the movie the whole way through.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:41 AM on January 25, 2019 [12 favorites]

I spent all night working on Art and then woke up late and I can’t tell what’s a real or a hot take what is happen

tl;dr: The distinction dissolved completely while you were sleeping. It's all hot takes now, forever and ever, world without end, amen.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 10:42 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

On ILX someone described Stone as "the bootleg version of the Mike Pence action figure."

I assume in the sense that, like Oreos or Transformers, he's the more popular one.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:44 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

It's still too early for cake, so I made some pancakes WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS.

Stone arrested? Rose Garden presser?

RESIGN FROM OFFICE YOU DUMBASS ORANGE MOTHERFUCKER. DO IT.
posted by loquacious at 10:47 AM on January 25, 2019 [15 favorites]

Hey, Trump is more than 15 minutes late that means we get to leave class open government, right?
posted by Freon at 10:49 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

His glass of water is sitting on a little table untouched next to his deserted podium. One of the hedges, stage right, appears to be dying.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:52 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

@JohnJHarwood: Pelosi, asked how Trump will handle backdown on reopening government without wall money, gestures toward her office decorations: “we could plant these flowers along the border and he’d say, ‘I got my wall.’ “
posted by zachlipton at 11:02 AM on January 25, 2019 [20 favorites]

we could plant these flowers along the border and he’d say, ‘I got my wall.'

Native plants, please.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:05 AM on January 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

When you come for the queen...
posted by Sophie1 at 11:08 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Ok. Here’s my fantasy. The orange one resigns in the spotlight, effective immediately and then an indictment is unsealed for the current Vice President.

Then, because both the president and the vp are not able to serve, Pelosi rises to office.

That’s when I’ll eat an entire cake.
posted by bilabial at 11:10 AM on January 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

Right there with you, @bilabial
posted by narwhal at 11:14 AM on January 25, 2019

I have a couple of situations that are "entire cake worthy."
-Any Trump being sent to jail
-Pelosi ascending
-45 resigning, being impeached or indicted.

Those are all cake worthy. I don't drink, so...
posted by Sophie1 at 11:17 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

I don't drink, so...

Got you covered.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:20 AM on January 25, 2019 [26 favorites]

Personally, I'm happy to see Pelosi being acknowledged as a brilliant player, after who knows how many decades of being Hillaried by the GOP.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:20 AM on January 25, 2019 [19 favorites]

He's on camera lying again, isn't he?
posted by Catblack at 11:25 AM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

Hey, Autumnheart, "hillaried" is sweet because HRC gets her due and also I get to remember the word "pilloried," which I like.
posted by wenestvedt at 11:26 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

My portmanteau game is on point.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [13 favorites]

Catblack, you forgot the slash in between "camera" and "lying," I think, like so:

He's on camera/lying again
posted by wenestvedt at 11:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

He's on camera lying again, isn't he?

Well, his lips are moving.
posted by transitional procedures at 11:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

He's on camera lying again, isn't he?

He's on camera and his lips are moving, so yes.
posted by exogenous at 11:27 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

30 seconds of truth, 30 minutes of gaslighting.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:28 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Cross posting from the MEgaThread -- theodolite: NBC is live, reporting that Stone will be released on $250,000 bond and will come out to talk to press within an hour.

Sounds like his DIY craft project really paid off -- Political Mastermind Roger Stone Is Selling Home Depot Rocks With His Name on Them (Ryan Blort for Rolling Stone, Dec. 19, 2018)
posted by filthy light thief at 11:29 AM on January 25, 2019

I’ve got a bundt pan that makes cakelets shaped like skulls. When a member of the trump clan goes to jail/prison I will make a batch of pumpkin cake skulls. Perhaps with a cream cheese frosting. I will eat cupcakes for many milestone events.

But an entire cake is reserved, for me, for this one fantasy.
posted by bilabial at 11:29 AM on January 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

Here's a picture of the President's big, beautiful wall.
posted by gauche at 11:34 AM on January 25, 2019

Can anyone read the date on that graffiti in gauche's picture?
posted by wenestvedt at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2019

I do like the idea of planting flowers along the border. Trees too. We can Make America Beautiful and help improve the pollinating-insect problem at the same time.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:37 AM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

In his Rose Garden ramble about "catch and release", he said that Democrats have never volunteered to have people (charged solely with the crime of unlicensed entry or residency) released in their own districts.

That particular lie probably got past the average Fox view easily, since they'd have no reason to associate Cities with any kind of policy to provide Sanctuary to immigrants whose undocumented status has been discovered in the course of law enforcement.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 11:42 AM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

See these stunning pictures of Hang Son Doong Cave in Vietnam, the world’s largest cave, except for what President Trump just did
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:43 AM on January 25, 2019 [24 favorites]

A wall of milkweed for the Monarchs instead of Peaches for our wannabe king.
posted by mcdoublewide at 11:45 AM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also, maybe Trump would be into the idea of a border made of bees.
posted by Autumnheart at 11:45 AM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Replying to the megathread.

i think coasties need to step off and let the Rust Belt handle this.

You wrecked the car once. You're still grounded.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:46 AM on January 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

I keep running across variants off this bit from the Holy Grail, and it is putting a smile on my face every time I see someone make another tweak to the lyrics.

Brave Sir Donald ran away.
Bravely ran away away.
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Donald turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Donald!
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 11:47 AM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

Also, maybe Trump would be into the idea of a border made of bees.

... Beads?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:49 AM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Those bone spurs don't seem to prevent a hasty retreat.
posted by mcdoublewide at 11:50 AM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

@AdamParkhomenko: Pelosi is going to have to add Trump to her disclosure forms where it asks for a list of assets she owns.
posted by zachlipton at 11:51 AM on January 25, 2019 [38 favorites]

Guys, I’m as thrilled as anyone, but could we get the thing signed before making fun of him for caving this time? I seem to recall that’s what screwed it all up last month. (Of course, we’ll need to get the Fox and Friends on board to shut up for a day or so and that’s not likely...)
posted by Weeping_angel at 11:51 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wonder how many news sites will lead with something like "Trump Caves"
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:51 AM on January 25, 2019

Overheard among reporters in the Rose Garden: "That felt like a colonoscopy without anesthesia, once again"
posted by dnash at 11:52 AM on January 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

Also, maybe Trump would be into the idea of a border made of bees.

They don't allow bees in prison.
posted by Mayor West at 11:53 AM on January 25, 2019

Pelosi is going to have to add Trump to her disclosure forms where it asks for a list of assets she owns.

Has Vladimir lost custody? Well, he is a terrible father of the motherland
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:53 AM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Brave Sir Donald ran away.

Cute, but we should really be pushing the narrative that he bravely stood up to Fox & Friends & Coulter & Hannity who didn't have his back.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:54 AM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

To be honest I doubt the President checks MetaTalk very often. He probably hasn’t even coughed up the $5
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:56 AM on January 25, 2019 [17 favorites]

They don't allow bees in prison.

Beekeeping & Pollinator Programs in Prisons
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 11:56 AM on January 25, 2019 [9 favorites]

Man, were his dentures acting up again... (I love C-SPAN's clipping tool)
posted by onehalfjunco at 11:57 AM on January 25, 2019

Apparently Chad Ochocinco is a neighbour and got to watch the FBI arrest Roger Stone while he was getting ready for his morning jog today? lol
posted by aiglet at 12:01 PM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

To save this being deleted in the megathread, I will post this here:

I'm proud to see my favorite beer, Surly, represented on screen as Florida Man is carted away.

The Surly Twitter account wasted no time in making hay, followed immediately by actually-pretty-funny Twitterers.

(I will hoist one of my last cans of Surly Furious red ale tonight in Meuller's honor.)
posted by wenestvedt at 12:03 PM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

The "Three Year Letterman" account who's all through Ochocino's Twitter thread is pretty great, too.
posted by wenestvedt at 12:04 PM on January 25, 2019

To be honest I doubt the President checks MetaTalk very often. He probably hasn’t even coughed up the $5

Too much scrutiny on the Trump Foundation these days so there's nothing he can do. What, is he supposed to use $5 out of his own pocket?

Maybe if cortex is interested in a permit to drill in a national park, or wants an admiralty or something.
posted by jason_steakums at 12:04 PM on January 25, 2019 [12 favorites]

Everything I know about prison comes from TV but I've seen those bars on the windows and I've seen bees and there's no way you're keeping a determined bee out.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:16 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

To be honest I doubt the President checks MetaTalk very often. He probably hasn’t even coughed up the $5

We know he hasn’t. It would have been listed right after the $7 Boy Scouts line item.
posted by greermahoney at 12:17 PM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

from the mains thread Wasn't some arrangement made to send refunds even with the shutdown in progress? Or were those just whispers of a plan that didn't materialize?

The IRS called a ton of employees who work on tax return processing back to the job without pay to try and make that happen, but then 14,000 of them didn't show.

I hope we get the Call Center revolt part of Sorry To Bother You and not the horse body horror parts.
posted by The Whelk at 12:20 PM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Sorry greermahoney, gonna have to award that one to jason_steakums.
posted by phearlez at 12:21 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Came to make $5 Mefi Fee/$7 boyscout fee/Trump foundation joke but I was beaten to the punch. You guys just get me....
posted by Weeping_angel at 12:26 PM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

From the megathread:

Atom Eyes: Jonathan Swan [via Twitter]: A former White House official texts me, unsolicited: “Trump looks pathetic...he just ceded his presidency to Nancy Pelosi.”

ZeusHumms: Pelosi's giving more daily briefings now then the Trump Administration.

I now daydream that Fox decides the GOP has more power as the resistance and convinces Trump that this was all a bad dream, and that Pelosi is president. Somehow he and Pence leave at the same time, saying "can you believe that President Pelosi?"

And she steps in, like it was her role all along! Pelosi for magical day-dream president!
posted by filthy light thief at 12:29 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Here are more pictures of Stone looking sad in hats (a curated Twitter thread by MMA's Eric Hananoki).
posted by Doktor Zed at 12:29 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

ZeusHumms: Pelosi's giving more daily briefings now then the Trump Administration.

I mean, I'm taller than all the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz too but it doesn't seem like it's worthy of mention.
posted by phearlez at 12:45 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Cardi B weighs in
posted by BeginAgain at 12:51 PM on January 25, 2019 [5 favorites]

(From the Mirror Universe:)

While Sanders' denial of any connection to Trump is predictable, her refusal to rule out the possibility that it was Trump who directed the "senior campaign official" to have Stone reach out to WikiLeaks is notable. She told CNN that she had yet to read the indictment, adding: "I'm not an attorney -- I'm not able to get into the weeds on this subject.

Where's Spicey when you need 'em, eh Sarah?
posted by Fiberoptic Zebroid and The Hypnagogic Jerks at 12:52 PM on January 25, 2019

On a personal note, I'd just like to say that Speaker Pelosi looks remarkably like what I suppose my mother would look like, were she to pay more than $16 for a haircut and dress in something beyond sweats and jeans from Wal-Mart. Honestly. She's like my mom with professional person style and fashion.

(That's not a dig on either the Speaker or my mom, who is a nice retired lady in Kentucky and is entitled to dress as comfy and low key as she damn well pleases.)
posted by DirtyOldTown at 12:54 PM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

I'm proud to see my favorite beer, Surly, represented on screen as Florida Man is carted away. The Surly Twitter account wasted no time in making hay, followed immediately by actually-pretty-funny Twitterers.

Those were great. Oddly enough, one of the beer names suggested was already used by a friend of mine for some of his homebrew (that's the redacted text from one of the indictments, Cohen's I think, on the label). Beer names ending in -ion make me think Russian River Brewing Co.
posted by exogenous at 12:57 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

37? In a row? Try not to indict anybody on the way through the parking lot

*Eric Trump turns and starts to follow*

Hey, you, get back here!

or don't.
posted by phearlez at 12:57 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

In three weeks, when we do this all again, he gets another chance to try to spin THAT shutdown to blame it on the Democrats. And it might work.

aka 'Spin the Fail on the Donkey'.
posted by ZeusHumms at 1:03 PM on January 25, 2019 [16 favorites]

omg shout-out to Minnesota brewery: https://twitter.com/surlybrewing, proud creators of the cap seen forever in the news conference.
posted by ZeusHumms at 1:06 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think they're milking this a little hard.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:14 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

Pelosi: State Of The Union ‘Is Not Planned Now’ (Nicole Lafond, TPM)

I think we can all get behind this "Kick him while he's down" strategy for the next two years...
posted by chortly at 1:20 PM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

More like "stand on his air hose."
posted by wenestvedt at 1:21 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Stand on his wherever.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:27 PM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Just wash your feet afterwards
posted by phearlez at 1:29 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Is this the winning I'm supposed to tire of?
posted by Xyanthilous P. Harrierstick at 1:34 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Whatever it is, I'm just tired.
posted by nubs at 1:34 PM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

[ jumping up and down, clapping, pointing ] Jail for you, and jail for you, and jail for you!
posted by seanmpuckett at 1:36 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

A wheel is older than a wall,
The cave is the oldest of them all.
posted by peeedro at 1:41 PM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

"Lemme do the State of the Union!"

"No."

"But why?"

"Because then you won't give me what I want."
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 1:49 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

Writers are crossing the streams:

Roger Stone allegedly wanted to use Facebook's WhatsApp to 'talk on a secure line' — here's what that means (Kate Fazzini, CNBC)
posted by ZeusHumms at 1:50 PM on January 25, 2019

State of the Union drinking game rules for this year:
if it occurs - drink until it's over
posted by ArgentCorvid at 2:32 PM on January 25, 2019 [17 favorites]

You know things are bad when you have a Nixon tattoo on your back and the Nixon Foundation wants to disavow you:

This morning’s widely-circulated characterization of Roger Stone as a Nixon campaign aide or adviser is a gross misstatement. Mr. Stone was 16 years old during the Nixon presidential campaign of 1968 and 20 years old during the reelection campaign of 1972.

Mr. Stone, during his time as a student at George Washington University, was a junior scheduler on the Nixon reelection committee. Mr. Stone was not a campaign aide or adviser. Nowhere in the Presidential Daily Diaries from 1972 to 1974 does the name "Roger Stone" appear.

posted by zachlipton at 2:43 PM on January 25, 2019 [10 favorites]

TIL there’s a Nixon Foundation.

Smdh.
posted by greermahoney at 2:48 PM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]

Stolen from the megathread:

"Mike Cernovich is doing a livestream about Trump caving on the shutdown, and he's had to say several times that he's not crying."

My eyes are watering. I'm so happy.
posted by schadenfrau at 2:49 PM on January 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

Roger Stone is so fucked.

TLDR:

Roger Stoned is so fuck'd.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:58 PM on January 25, 2019 [8 favorites]

Karma's a Mitch
posted by petebest at 3:35 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]

@JohnJosephAdams: The Man With the Nixon Tattoo sounds like a really poorly thought out American adaptation of a Stieg Larsson novel.
posted by Doktor Zed at 5:08 PM on January 25, 2019 [14 favorites]

Jan. 2nd: Lindsey Graham: If Trump caves, it's the end of his presidency

🤞
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:09 PM on January 25, 2019 [16 favorites]

I would like to report that I clicked the flag button on Eyebrow's BERNIE mod note and wrote a note asking if it was still ok to argue about Bernie Kosar or if the note applied to ALL BERNIES, but I managed to cancel it before I unwisely sent the flag note.
posted by Justinian at 5:23 PM on January 25, 2019 [11 favorites]

@HarrisonMooney: Breaking: Hours after learning the FBI can still do arrests during a shutdown, Trump calls the whole thing off
posted by Doktor Zed at 5:25 PM on January 25, 2019 [27 favorites]

So it turns out Roger Stone's lawyer wrote a political thriller in 2016, and the entire thing is just a straight-up fanfic of *gestures variously at all this*, down to the level of the President eating paper (which Trump allegedly did a year later). Erin is an immensely talented writer, but I'm like 98% sure she's not making this up, so enjoy this livetweeted reading of the book from @erinscafe.
posted by zachlipton at 5:56 PM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

Aforementioned novel is free if you’ve got Kindle Unlimited.

So: It is in fact a real thing.
posted by skyscraper at 6:25 PM on January 25, 2019

Government re-opens. Yeah! Trump bloodied. Yeah!

Yglesias: "Pelosi was playing checkers, a relatively straightforward game she knew how to win. Trump was trying to play chess . . . but he's Donald Trump."
posted by mark k at 6:35 PM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

"From sea to shiny sea"
posted by Tarumba at 6:35 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

National Treasure Neal Katyal on CNN: “Roger Stone knows Donald Trump better than anyone. Even his wife, though that’s not saying much.”
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 6:46 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

There once was a Speaker named Nancy
Who had a fine plan, nothing fancy
Her foe, quite a knave
Could do naught but cave
A loser for all now to see
posted by skyscraper at 6:47 PM on January 25, 2019 [6 favorites]

Now we can enjoy the minutia about Roger Stone’s indictment and possible fate, without further distraction (at least, until tomorrow morning, when no doubt more shit will hit the fan).
posted by Autumnheart at 6:52 PM on January 25, 2019

skyscraper, I humbly submit the last line should be

"Despite negative press covfefe"
posted by Freon at 6:54 PM on January 25, 2019 [12 favorites]

Accepted!

Although I’ve never been sure how many syllables there are in covfefe
posted by skyscraper at 6:55 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]

depends on if you go with the original umlaut.
posted by petebest at 7:46 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

co-vfe-fe ?
posted by porpoise at 7:48 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

Rhymes with the "Me" in "MeFi."
posted by Tsuga at 9:00 PM on January 25, 2019 [7 favorites]

A little unrelated but remember when Chad Ochocinco thought his pregnant pigeon was going into labor and having contractions and then was upset when she just laid eggs? Super funny. Chad Ochocinco brought me a lot of joy in 2010 and if he's since become terrible for some reason I don't want to know.
posted by triggerfinger at 9:15 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]

“All of you are being screwed!” Coulter shouted, before launching into a pretty gross explainer: “By the way, cheap labor has not been so bad for me… My landscaping is beautiful, there is not a bit of slime on my pool. ...”

I guess Coulter never actually uses her pool.
posted by loquacious at 4:11 AM on January 26, 2019 [17 favorites]

Nowhere in the Presidential Daily Diaries from 1972 to 1974 does the name "Roger Stone" appear.

However, I watched All The President’s Men last fall and IIRC, Stone is referred to once by name in that movie.

Also, I want to know as little as possible about Ann Coulter’s landscaping.
posted by octobersurprise at 5:53 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Quote of the Day

“He was playing double-A ball against major leaguers.”

— Former Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), quoted by the AP, on how President Trump backed himself into a government shutdown with no way out.

A couple of spectators enjoy the day.
posted by petebest at 6:34 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

Roger Stone’s attorney has written a novel. It’s a political thriller.

Live-blogged:

oh Jesus he’s switched from past to present tense within the first paragraph

this might actually kill me

posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:53 AM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]

Flashback to the President and his college friends visiting Jamaica after graduation. They talk about all the women they’re going to sleep with. One reminds them to...feed them a banana after sex to avoid pregnancy. WTF.

Seriously, what. Is that a myth that he might actually believe, or is it an attempt at being racist? Or?
posted by lucidium at 7:34 AM on January 26, 2019

Roger Stone's Nixon Tattoo...

Proof yet again that this reality is so much more fucked up than anyone anticipated. I mean, for all of the novel's sociological and technological foresight, the villain in Snow Crash just had POOR IMPULSE CONTROL tattooed on his forehead.
posted by carsonb at 8:07 AM on January 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

What the fuck is a challenge coin?
posted by medusa at 8:12 AM on January 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

Ten Internet Points to whomever can point first to the first time challenge coins came up in a megathread.
posted by carsonb at 8:12 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also this isn't quite right:

“He was playing double-A ball against major leaguers.”

— Former Rep. Tom Davis (R-VA), quoted by the AP, on how President Trump backed himself into a government shutdown with no way out.

He was playing peekaboo by covering his face with his hands and assuming no one could see him against major leaguers in the world series.
posted by medusa at 8:16 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

Ten Internet Points to whomever can point first to the first time challenge coins came up in a megathread.
posted by carsonb at 8:12 AM on January 26 [+] [!]

Original Infrastructure Week??
posted by bird internet at 8:23 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

What the fuck is a challenge coin?

Today, challenge coins are given to members upon joining an organization, as an award to improve morale, and sold to commemorate special occasions or as fundraisers.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:24 AM on January 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ten Internet Points to whomever can point first to the first time challenge coins came up in a megathread.

Hmmm, was that when Zinke was sworn in and rode his horse to his office?
posted by jointhedance at 9:27 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

So Mr Stone has an Instagram account and pretty much anyone can post on it.
This is what I posted last night at a very late, liquidy moment:

'Oh Roger, you intemperate pinhead you, what's it like to go through life with such a tiny, sloping skull, always putting pressure on the tiny little fart engine you call your mind? And the hair weave? How much did that set you back? Are you going to borrow money to get it redone super, duper like before you go to prison?
A sad, inflatable puff doll of a human being permanently bleating your importance to the world until you got caught.'

It has had the most likes out of any comment I have ever posted on that platform.

Nasty and mean spirited, but hey! Roger Stone
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 9:33 AM on January 26, 2019 [11 favorites]

No accompanying portrait? B+
posted by petebest at 9:44 AM on January 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

I have a Schlock Mercenary challenge coin in my pocket because I like the message on it and as a fidget item. But it seems the actual use of challenge coins as a thing you could challenge someone to produce has gone the way of the dodo in actual military practice.

Not that I expect to get the opportunity to demand a free drink from a fellow Schlock reader either...
posted by phearlez at 9:45 AM on January 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

It occurs to me that my SM coin would be a good one for Trump right now but I suspect he'd completely fail to appreciate the message or rise to the challenge (as it were).
posted by phearlez at 9:46 AM on January 26, 2019

a thing you could challenge someone to produce has gone the way of the dodo in actual military practice

I'm just thinking of the shenanigans that could play out at MeFi meetups.
posted by porpoise at 9:53 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]

No accompanying portrait? B+

Oh, there will be, just not today, because it's my birthday, and I spent last night drawing a selfie.

Here it is. Roger will have to wait.
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 10:08 AM on January 26, 2019 [16 favorites]

After the President’s decision to cave, the waters around him appear to be rapidly rising. Elon Musk is now attempting to free him with a miniature submarine
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:09 AM on January 26, 2019 [10 favorites]

If we take the last two years into account, we can assume (a) Trump will use any and all powers afforded to him and (b) Republicans will do nothing about it. This Atlantic Magazine article shows the powers granted to the President are quite broad. Is everyone just assuming congress will come up with a compromise bill within 3 weeks?

Emergency powers are no good to an illiterate President with no work ethic, a preference for shortcuts, and who likes to be surrounded by yes-men. If it can't be distilled into a giant red button labeled "Own Libtards", then it might as well be invisible.
posted by ZeusHumms at 11:12 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Customchallengecoin.com has your custom challenge coin solutions available!

I just clicked the first search result, but - yeah, it seems like, y'know, legit.
posted by petebest at 12:24 PM on January 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

Sarcastic Challenge Coins of the Trump presidency seem like they'd be a great Etsy project. Anyone know how to make them?

The Secret Service does.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:33 PM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

I wasn't sure where to post this link from Politico: Roger Stone and ‘Ratf—ing’: A Short History

Surprisingly enough, the history of “ratfucking” as a political term of art for sleazy maneuvers goes back nearly a century.

But now that challenge coins are being discussed...
posted by Little Dawn at 12:34 PM on January 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

I mentioned earlier that I was disappointed no political cartoonist had depicted Nancy Pelosi with Comics Nancy's hair... well, here it is, and Trumpy is SO Sluggo!
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:51 PM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]

So now that we’ve come full circle and re-linked things, any one have any good ideas go how to gauge and track interest on actually getting the coin? I figure step one is “get enough people” lest I end up having like 90 spares. Which - funny in theory, but not something I actually want.
posted by MysticMCJ at 2:01 PM on January 26, 2019

Cartoon: Trump Asks Pelosi To Kick Shutdown Football
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:02 PM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

There was a Trump Tower Meeting Commemorative Coin on Kickstarter last year, if that's a useful model.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:04 PM on January 26, 2019

Hmmm, was that when Zinke was sworn in and rode his horse to his office?

If anybody like me was like well obviously that didn't happen but I don't understand the joke, that actually happened.

It's like, how have I been obsessively following the megathreads and miss something that weird? And how are history teachers going to teach this era? "Let me tell you this amusing anecdote ah yes riding a horse to work hilarious all right calm down folks now we're going to talk about children in cages."
posted by angrycat at 2:31 PM on January 26, 2019 [13 favorites]

Which - funny in theory, but not something I actually want.

Shall we start a MetaTalk post to determine costing, interest, and then riff on design ideas?

I for one am definitely in, especially if it benefits Metafilter or as some kind of "bonus" for our beleaguered Megathread Mods.
posted by porpoise at 2:41 PM on January 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

And how are history teachers going to teach this era? "Let me tell you this amusing anecdote ah yes riding a horse to work hilarious all right calm down folks now we're going to talk about children in cages."

Looking forward to textbooks drastically understating how severe this era was. Those of us who live long enough will see the whole thing summed up in a sentence or two.
posted by ZeusHumms at 3:22 PM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

If this is for real and anyone’s keeping score, put me down for a challenge coin.
posted by CommonSense at 3:30 PM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

Well, I gotta admit, you guys can overthink a challenge coin.

We make ‘em all the time at work; we just had a coin made for surviving Florence, as did a bunch of other departments.

Design two sides of the coin, decide on colors/metals/sizes, determine which manufacturer you want to use, order and pay.

Maybe design a survey to determine which designs are most popular? As with anything, the more you purchase the lower the unit cost. I would have them shipped to whomever has an Etsy store or the like, or see if Topatco (are we still using them for shirts?) will put them in the store. They can be as inexpensive or as expensive as you want them to be; our Florence coins are $8 at cost (and that’s what we’re selling them for) and I’d hazard a guess that the vol assoc bought 150 or so?

I can look up the vendors we’ve used and send people pics of our coins if wanted. I actually have a nice (very small) collection at the house.
posted by sara is disenchanted at 3:39 PM on January 26, 2019 [13 favorites]

Ok, put me down for a coin.
posted by greermahoney at 3:44 PM on January 26, 2019

I would be in for a coin in the $5-10 range.
posted by bilabial at 4:06 PM on January 26, 2019

This thread will not be full of hyucking hyucks if it turns into a coin poll, so here's a quick survey

Entirely anonymous (no Google login required) and non-binding. If you'd be generally interested in buying a megathread-themed challenge coin, feel free to indicate as such. If that idea doesn't give you joy, that's ok too. If there's enough interest to generally make the cost of production/shipping/doing all this something resembling worthwhile, we could start a meta dedicated to this topic to talk more about designs and vendors and payments and logistics.
posted by zachlipton at 4:10 PM on January 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

"I don’t know that anybody can plan much with what I would call a reckless and feckless president,” House Majority Whip James E. Clyburn (D-S.C.)

Indeed he lacks both reck and feck.
posted by GrammarMoses at 5:05 PM on January 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

Why does Roger Stone's hair look like it has dark roots? Does he bleach it white?
posted by harriet vane at 5:38 PM on January 26, 2019

Thanks for the survey - I’m pretty inept at knowing how to start that sort of thing.
posted by MysticMCJ at 10:41 PM on January 26, 2019

a reckless and feckless president

This rhyme makes me think of Rudie Can't Fail (great fucking song). Nancy Can't Fail?
posted by exogenous at 6:39 AM on January 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

Well, here it is, my 'portrait' of Roger Stone, which I think goes quite nicely with the screed I posted earlier.

Enjoy!
posted by Phlegmco(tm) at 8:46 AM on January 27, 2019 [8 favorites]

Looks like the President is back in good spirits
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:56 AM on January 27, 2019 [5 favorites]

Hey, this does not work so well. This is not a tool that we should be using

Yeah, not "it's incredibly damaging to the country and fucking over the people for petty political points." Only that it's not working. GOP: morally bankrupt even when doing the right thing.
posted by ctmf at 11:21 AM on January 27, 2019 [3 favorites]

McCarthy: I'll appoint the Republican members of the House Intelligence Committee "next week."

Not two weeks?
posted by ctmf at 11:23 AM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Agent: So how long do to plan to stay on Mars?
Trump: Two weeks.
posted by peeedro at 11:33 AM on January 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

This thread will not be full of hyucking hyucks if it turns into a coin poll, so here's a quick survey

Update, 22 hours later: there have been 48 responses, representing general non-binding interest in a total of 66 coins so far. A couple very kind mefites among us offered to kick in extra funds to help make a challenge coin happen or would be willing to pay more for a coin as a fundraiser for the site and/or another cause. There were also recommendations that beans be featured, that some reference to "show new comments" be made, and someone just wrote "there is no cabal."

It seems like 100+ coins is kind of the minimum to make this work at a price people might pay given the fixed costs (which, of course, increase for fancier looking coins). Not everyone who responded to the survey will necessarily buy a coin if it happens, but also not everyone who might want a coin is reading the Hyucking Hyuck thread on a weekend.

It seems like there's potentially enough demand to do this, though it would take a lot of volunteer design and logistical effort. I'm willing to help (not with the design; nobody wants that). It probably makes the most sense to meet in a dedicated coin thread in meta to see if people are able to contribute their talents. I'll also check in with the mods to see how they're feeling about all this sudden coin enthusiasm.
posted by zachlipton at 2:01 PM on January 27, 2019 [15 favorites]

Quick recommendation for Wonkette, which reports the same news everyone else does with high levels of snark and sarcastic commentary.
posted by ZeusHumms at 2:08 PM on January 27, 2019 [4 favorites]

I used to refrain from bawdy talk in front of my 90-year-old psychiatrist who's always quoting poetry at me, and then I found out that my shrink loves Chaucer, so man oh man was I chucked to relay Stone's line about "a dick in the front and a Dick in the back" at him the last time we met. My shrink was quite pleased.
posted by angrycat at 2:19 PM on January 27, 2019 [7 favorites]

Commemorative coins are why I come here
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:15 PM on January 27, 2019 [5 favorites]

So..... MetaFilter challenge coins?
posted by reductiondesign at 6:42 PM on January 27, 2019

reductiondesign - you owe me a beer.
posted by porpoise at 7:02 PM on January 27, 2019

If we had a theme I could be down for doing the designs for a coin. I know me some vector graphics.
posted by loquacious at 7:21 PM on January 27, 2019 [3 favorites]

Congrats everyone, we've derailed the thread for derailing
posted by reductiondesign at 7:23 PM on January 27, 2019 [31 favorites]

The thread for derailing cannot be derailed, by definition.

It"s like how a professor cannot be unprofessional, by definition.
posted by medusa at 9:03 PM on January 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

The people responsible for derailing the derail, have been derailed.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:10 PM on January 27, 2019 [11 favorites]

And suddenly we're back to the llama thread...
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:29 PM on January 27, 2019 [3 favorites]

i have derail. in depants.
posted by quonsar II: smock fishpants and the temple of foon at 9:31 PM on January 27, 2019 [7 favorites]

i cannot imagine this is the first era in which in-jokes have been inscribed on metal or stone and I wonder how many in-jokes are recorded on ancient Sumerian tablets
posted by solarion at 11:45 PM on January 27, 2019 [7 favorites]

Just an aside which wouldn't fit in the main thread:

I'm willing to bet money that Trump's obsession with the illegal trafficking victims "with tapes over their mouths" is the result of his handlers dumbing things down for him. I am sure they have given up on him reading things, and they either do a PowerPoint slideshow or even make simplified movie presentations for him.
Some unlucky intern drew up an illustration or picked a stock image or took a scene from a movie to make a point clear; and as always when someone who does not understand the main point of a presentation he seized upon a small unimportant detail:

"Oh, so they have tape over their mouth?"
"Well, Mr. President, I assume some do, this is just an illust-"
"Really, tape? Those animals! Probably tied up, too!"
"I guess we can't rule out there might have been cases..."
"Taped and tied up! By Mexcian rapists! Smuggled into our homeland in those muscle cars, with the colored lights!"
"What do you- sorry, Mr. President, I imagine you are confusing that with the Fast and Furious movie franchise again-"
"Nonsense! I saw that documentary on Fox! Tied up, taped, raped, they barely held on until Batman came to save them! Don't start with that 'fact and fiction' nonsense again, we went over this before! MAGA!"
"But Mr.-"
"MAGAAAAA!"
posted by PontifexPrimus at 4:27 AM on January 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

This is the MeFi thread that I needed. Pony request: if we're going to have more Hyucking Hyuck threads – and I hope we do – can we choose a unique tag to follow so we know when one is posted?
posted by Tehhund at 4:52 AM on January 28, 2019 [4 favorites]

@BrandyLJensen congrats to the Starbucks guy for briefly bringing leftists and establishment Dems together to say fuck off
posted by The Whelk at 5:09 AM on January 28, 2019 [10 favorites]

It"s like how a professor cannot be unprofessional, by definition.

You and I have some very different experiences with professors, that's all I'm going to say.
posted by sciatrix at 5:54 AM on January 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

How many more billionaires are going to consider running for President?
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:11 AM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

I hope a fictional memory is all the tape gag thing is about.
posted by lucidium at 6:38 AM on January 28, 2019 [3 favorites]

Tom Brokaw: my tweet portal is whack
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:40 AM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

How many more billionaires are going to consider running for President?

All of them.
posted by Celsius1414 at 8:09 AM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

Nahh, those guys all have people to do that sort of drudgework for them.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:38 AM on January 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

My fellow metafilterians, it is with the gravest sense of duty that I profer myself as the next Presidential Cabal public facing voice for our plan of fully automated luxury gay space communism. Borrowing deeply from our brethren in England, the Monster Raving Looney Party, I put it to you that the time has come for a secret cabal to openly rule, er, lead, this confused and fractured nation.

As an elder metafilterian, I fulfill the age requirements for presidential duty, while still being born after television was a thing. I was once in some sort of pretend UN in college, and had I been sober, I’m sure I would recall it as an important milestone in my path toward global domination, I mean world peace.

I have been blocked by Ted Cruz, and I can think of no finer recommendation, as a citizen of Texas.

There is no cabal, but cabal. Let us pool our power and knowledge, and rule as one. And I, Secret Agent Sockpuppet, who is not a Siamese cat in a fedora, and is not planning global domination in any major sort of way, hereby throw my hat (again, not a fedora) into the ring. I shall lead us into glorious victory.

Unless someone shows up with one of those things that makes light dance around on the floor...
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:25 AM on January 28, 2019 [11 favorites]

This isn’t funny except in the screaming horror sense, but I don’t know where else to put it:

Anyone remember when news broke that some of the oligarch fucks that conspired with the Republicans and Trump in 2016 were meeting with The Rock, who has long been rumored to have political ambitions?

I happened to catch network TV last night. The Rock now has a reality competition show where he pops up to give little speeches that feel...very much like a certain kind of rebrand.

They gave that fucker his version of the Apprentice. I swear to Christ, watch his meaningless “deep” and “inspiring” speeches on Clash of the Titans and tell me they’re not positioning that fucker to run for something soon.
posted by schadenfrau at 9:31 AM on January 28, 2019 [21 favorites]

And I, Secret Agent Sockpuppet, who is not a Siamese cat in a fedora, and is not planning global domination in any major sort of way, hereby throw my hat (again, not a fedora) into the ring.

Sorry, I've already promised my vote to the quidnunc kid.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:33 AM on January 28, 2019 [17 favorites]

I'm splitting from ths Cabal to form The People's Cabal, open to all. I will run on a platform of dissolving the presidency if elected. Vote Whelk, fkr destruction!
posted by The Whelk at 9:33 AM on January 28, 2019 [7 favorites]

SPLITTER!!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:34 AM on January 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

If all the money gets thrown at making a virtual wall instead of a physical one, could that lead to Skynet?

/ominous Terminator soundtrack
/visage of Ahrnuld
posted by ZeusHumms at 10:09 AM on January 28, 2019

You and I have some very different experiences with professors, that's all I'm going to say.

I'm not saying that professors behave well. I'm saying that the word professional means like a professor.
posted by medusa at 11:37 AM on January 28, 2019

professors are professorial

people with professions are professional

/pedant
posted by aiglet at 12:19 PM on January 28, 2019 [25 favorites]

ZeusHumms: "How many more billionaires are going to consider running for President?"

If the Cheeto hadn't accidentally won I think there would be a lot more. But the object lesson of what can happen when the magnifying glass get turned on your past finances (and how much unfun work the job turns out to be) will be a serious deterrent.
posted by Mitheral at 12:40 PM on January 28, 2019 [3 favorites]

Mike Cernovich thinks it's time to give Islam a test drive.
posted by PenDevil at 1:10 PM on January 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

The thread regarding Cernovich is...something.
posted by Sophie1 at 1:21 PM on January 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

I see from the twitter thread I'm not the only one to make this connection, but that Mike Cernovich thing just makes me think of this classic from The Onion.
posted by ckape at 3:06 PM on January 28, 2019 [4 favorites]

Now here's a 3rd party candidate more viable than Howard Schultz: Hello I am considering a presidential run in 2020. Please RT if you would support this endeavor for me.
posted by peeedro at 4:06 PM on January 28, 2019 [3 favorites]

Say what you will about Howard Schultz, at least Elias thinks he was right about basketball in Seattle (skip ahead to 1:20).
posted by Huffy Puffy at 4:53 PM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

It looks like PopTarts vs Steak-Umms for the Grocery Party nomination for President, and considering how often I'm seeing Starbucks counters in supermarkets lately, Howard Schultz belongs in that party...
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:44 PM on January 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm saying that the word professional means like a professor.

And word processors are processional.
posted by Celsius1414 at 6:04 PM on January 28, 2019 [5 favorites]

“I don’t need your vote Braden” is the new “They’re good dogs brent”
posted by greermahoney at 6:08 PM on January 28, 2019 [3 favorites]

If you're looking for an alternative to Challenge Coins, one of my sources of novel novelties, Steam Crow/Monster Rangers, has come up with custom-made Motel Key Tags. (But the email announcing them noted that it took 20 months to get them made)
posted by oneswellfoop at 6:16 PM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

In the parallel thread, T.D. Strange: Only one of Stone's three lawyers advertises any criminal practice experience on their websites.

That's surprising because I'd expect anyone he'd hire to have quite of bit of experience practicing crime. Then again it makes sense not to advertise that.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 6:38 PM on January 28, 2019 [4 favorites]

oneswellfoop: "If you're looking for an alternative to Challenge Coins, one of my sources of novel novelties, Steam Crow/Monster Rangers, has come up with custom-made Motel Key Tags. (But the email announcing them noted that it took 20 months to get them made)"

That sounds awesome. I wonder if the delay was because of the serialization and non serialized versions would be quicker. Though it would be sweet to have user numbers as the room number.
posted by Mitheral at 6:43 PM on January 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

One thing at a time please. Challenge coins first, then motel key tags. Then snow globes, tea spoons, cuff links, novelty license plates, shot glasses, garden gnomes, fountain pens, and bejeweled orbs.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 6:59 PM on January 28, 2019 [12 favorites]

Ooh, garden gnomes.
posted by MrVisible at 7:28 PM on January 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

Randy Rainbow has a great new song. Amazing parody of Cell Block Tango.

I wish I was clever enough to come up with those lyrics, but I'll just sit back and snort laugh at them. This isn't a comment about challenge coins, but also didn't seem quite right for the megathread.
posted by danielleh at 8:26 PM on January 28, 2019 [5 favorites]

It looks like PopTarts vs Steak-Umms for the Grocery Party nomination for President...

At least under the Grocery Party we would have a president that understands how supermarkets work.
posted by Avelwood at 8:49 PM on January 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

Bidden or Biden?
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:51 PM on January 28, 2019

I'd expect anyone he'd hire to have quite of bit of experience practicing crime. Then again it makes sense not to advertise that.

He doesn't need criminal lawyers, he needs criminal lawyers. (h/t Jesse Pinkman)
posted by contraption at 10:48 PM on January 28, 2019 [3 favorites]

Look I think we all know what we're talking about here, so let's just get down to it, shall we?

Guitars. MetaFilter-branded Teles, Superstrats, Pauls, and the odd pointy-ass guitar in chameleon sparkle. MegaThread titles in Van Halen stripes, logo on the headstock, laser-etched picture of cortex on the neck plate. Optional branded speaker grille for full Marshall stacks.
Reluctantly, I'm so in. Let's do this - but to be clear: maple fretboards only. You rosewood people have to meet separately or something.
posted by petebest at 7:17 AM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

I don't play guitar, and I only have limited free time to learn anything new -- so how about a super-cheap ukelele with plastic strings that can't be tuned?
posted by wenestvedt at 8:13 AM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

Look I think we all know what we're talking about here,

Rarely, if ever.
posted by greermahoney at 8:23 AM on January 29, 2019 [11 favorites]

maple fretboards only. You rosewood people have to meet separately or something.

Hey now, don't timber-shame.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:28 AM on January 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

Why Christian Trumpist? Oh Billy.
posted by petebest at 8:58 AM on January 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

The Onion: ‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back.
posted by 1970s Antihero at 9:42 AM on January 29, 2019 [18 favorites]

Metafilter themed grandfather clocks and bidets, who's in?
posted by Meatbomb at 10:32 AM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

unfrosted blueberry Pop Tart

Sick, dude
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:49 AM on January 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

Huh. That Onion article kind of reminds me 'The Tattoo' (a sentient tattoo who happens to be a gang leader) in China Mieville's Kraken.
posted by porpoise at 11:57 AM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

More Onion goodness on Stone, just a headline (no story): Trump Admits He Assumed Roger Stone Was Already In Prison
posted by InTheYear2017 at 12:04 PM on January 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

petebest: Guitars. MetaFilter-branded Teles, Superstrats, Pauls, and the odd pointy-ass guitar in chameleon sparkle. MegaThread titles in Van Halen stripes, logo on the headstock, laser-etched picture of cortex on the neck plate. Optional branded speaker grille for full Marshall stacks.
Reluctantly, I'm so in. Let's do this - but to be clear: maple fretboards only. You rosewood people have to meet separately or something.

Look, I'll compromise on the maple fretboard thing if we can get cortex heads as fret markers instead of on the neck plate.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:59 PM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

The Onion: ‘Follow Your Instructions, This Is All Part Of The Plan,’ Hisses Richard Nixon Tattoo Protruding From Roger Stone’s Back.

I know a lot of people criticize comparing current events to Harry Potter but sometimes the parallels are undeniable.
posted by ckape at 1:42 PM on January 29, 2019 [9 favorites]

petebest: Guitars.

Bassists ignored, as usual... You can pry my fretless/cortexless ebony fingerboard out of my cold dead hands.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:04 PM on January 29, 2019 [7 favorites]

Regarding Christie saying it's not a Tom Clancy operation - Yeah, we know, it's not even on that level, this is the bad Tom Clancy knockoff shit that's self-published on Amazon.
posted by MysticMCJ at 3:27 PM on January 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

What did Christie know and when did he know it
posted by petebest at 3:46 PM on January 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

The thing is that a Mr. Bean operation would still technically be a bad thing.
posted by cortex (staff) at 4:03 PM on January 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

If you were into the megathread challenge coin idea and would like to discuss it further or contribute your coin-making knowledge and experience, there's now a thread just for that.

If you hate the idea, I just learned that there's a William Henry Harrison dollar coin, and it doesn't become worthless 31 days after it's struck.
posted by zachlipton at 4:15 PM on January 29, 2019 [8 favorites]

I know a lot of people criticize comparing current events to Harry Potter but sometimes the parallels are undeniable.

I've definitely been seeing a lot of B5 in the last couple years.
posted by snuffleupagus at 5:08 PM on January 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

This Tweet from the megathread:

Your cabal of unprincipled, unethical, dishonest, and sycophantic cronies is being methodically brought to justice. We all know where this trail leads. If your utter incompetence is not enough to run you out of office, your increasingly obvious political corruption surely will

You sure that wasn't from, like, @TheRealBatman or @DarkKnightVerified or something?
posted by wenestvedt at 6:32 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Via the MT: Roger Stone registered the domain name stonedefensefund.com 1 day after he testified in the House.

I seriously spent a few seconds trying to make sense of what "efense" meant. He's raising cash to fund efense while stoned? Damn I need coffee...
posted by RedOrGreen at 6:40 AM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]

Look, they've asked us to call it "steel slats" not the "stoned e-Fence."
posted by snuffleupagus at 7:03 AM on January 30, 2019 [10 favorites]

On the other side of the Atlantic, people used to wonder what another season of Blackadder could be about. Not so sure about that anymore.
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:29 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]

You sure that wasn't from, like, @TheRealBatman or @DarkKnightVerified or something?

Or maybe from Liam Neeson's character in Taken.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:35 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]

28% of young republicans polled lean positive toward socialism

What is happen
posted by The Whelk at 8:44 AM on January 30, 2019 [16 favorites]

Young enough to worry that inequality at current levels will wreck the scheme before their turn to profit by it, or will price them out too.
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:47 AM on January 30, 2019 [1 favorite]

You can pry my fretless/cortexless ebony fingerboard out of my cold dead hands.

Well, fair’s fair. You already pried it from the cold dead hands of the critically endangered lemurs who were living in the tree it was made from, so...
posted by Sys Rq at 8:58 AM on January 30, 2019

What is happen

socialism is when the government does stuff, and the more stuff it does the more socialist it is

OR

not REPUBLICAN as in "God, Guns and Gays"
but REPUBLICAN as in CNT/FAI
posted by the man of twists and turns at 9:12 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

28% of young republicans polled lean positive toward socialism

What is happen

national socialism
posted by schadenfrau at 9:16 AM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]

wait that...that isn't funny
posted by schadenfrau at 9:16 AM on January 30, 2019 [26 favorites]

You already pried it from the cold dead hands of the critically endangered lemurs who were living in the tree it was made from, so...

What?? No! It came from a store, silly!
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:17 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Actual ebony is pretty strictly controlled, kind of rare and pricey these days, so most manufacturers use "rosewood" which can be a number of types of wood that are called "rosewood". But for a truly lemur-safe jamming experience, rock the phenolic.
posted by petebest at 11:14 AM on January 30, 2019

What is happen

national socialism

SERIOUSPOST:

remember how "fiscally conservative, socially liberal" was a joke after a while, and grew out of the fundamentally deceptive nolan chart? "the problems are bad but their causes are good"?
so chris ladd writes about "socialism for white people" in terms of enormous tax-subsidy benefits for mortgages, healthcare, write-offs for small (and large) businesses. Combine this with the insights from Strong Towns re: property taxes vs sales taxes on local revenue and the costs of maintaining, frex, a McMansion-y suburb against a 2-to-3 storey mixed-use core, and compare that to what is considered "blighted" and "unsightly" or not.
Line THAT up with the "binds, but does not protect, and protects, but does not bind" formula, and add in an understanding of the long-running historical and ongoing takings from structurally disadvantaged minorities (including but not limited to indigenous peoples, african americans, the unpaid labor of women (e.g. wages for housework)) , and I start to understand how someone (not me) might think that there's a fascist core of support in the united states, and how someone (not me!) might look at the Hard Hat Riot as representative of a group of "fiscally liberal, socially conservative" (FLSC) political bloc that was captured during the Southern Strategy that led into the sixth party system.

A key insight from modern monetary theory is that priorities already get appropriated, and things that aren't priorities have to be funded, and the FLSC bloc demands enormous spendings on state security¹, direct welfare benefits for themselves, "hidden" welfare benefits for themselves, and tax cuts to starve out programs for the undeserving², that is, anyone not themselves. Someone, not me, might even call this "Americanism."

1: someone once told me that it was weird how the government was shut down, but people kept getting arrested and the prisons operated - and interesting insight in the difference between a "government" and a "state."
2: "Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate?"
posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:17 AM on January 30, 2019 [20 favorites]

Actual ebony is pretty strictly controlled, kind of rare and pricey these days, so most manufacturers use "rosewood"

I'm also seeing more padauk and pau ferro, even on upright basses.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:35 AM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Also cocobolo.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:36 AM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

Had to look up cocobolo. It is not, as I first surmised, a species of giant bird from Final Fantasy — that’s the chocobo, though how I “remembered” that is anybody’s guess since I’ve played maybe one FF game, and that was FF Tactics Advance. In any case, the chocobo would not really be suitable for making basses out of, and as fast as they run it would probably be impossible to grab one to test. Also, like many giant birds these days, they don’t exist.

Anyway. Cocobolo exists and is gorgeous.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:17 PM on January 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Hmmm...that link includes this, which I didn't realize:

Cocobolo is listed on CITES appendix II under the genus-wide restriction on all Dalbergia species—which also includes finished products made of the wood. It is also listed on the IUCN Red List as vulnerable due to a population reduction of over 20% in the past three generations, caused by a decline in its natural range, and exploitation.

...so maybe we won't be seeing it used much anymore. Looks like neither pau ferro nor padauk are restricted though.
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:24 PM on January 30, 2019 [4 favorites]

Anyway: /derail...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:25 PM on January 30, 2019

though how I “remembered” that is anybody’s guess

it's because chocobos are U N F O R G E T T A B L E
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:34 PM on January 30, 2019 [9 favorites]

A friend of mine got into a minor edit war on Wikipedia having to do with cocobolo — I think it involved him trying to add a reference to Better Call Saul to the article.
posted by exogenous at 12:46 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

It looks like PopTarts vs Steak-Umms for the Grocery Party nomination for President, and considering how often I'm seeing Starbucks counters in supermarkets lately, Howard Schultz belongs in that party...

Schultz failed the "It's one banana Michael, what could it cost?" test today: Morning Joe Asks Howard Schultz How Much a Box of Cheerios Costs. He Does Not Know.
posted by peeedro at 12:48 PM on January 30, 2019 [5 favorites]

If you saw Hulu’s Fyre Festival documentary, you heard the inimitable Polly Mosendz provide some good life advice: “If you’ve never been out on bail before, that’s the time when you want to commit the least amount of crimes.” The Internet Research Agency doesn’t seem to have taken that advice and is just trolling their way through Mueller's case because they know it can't touch them personally.
posted by zachlipton at 12:52 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

Facebook pays teens to install VPN that spies on them

Facebook sidesteps the App Store and rewards teenagers and adults to download the Research app and give it root access to network traffic in what may be a violation of Apple policy so the social network can decrypt and analyze their phone activity, a TechCrunch investigation confirms.

Facebook admitted to TechCrunch it was running the Research program to gather data on usage habits.

Since 2016[!], Facebook has been paying users ages 13 to 35 up to $20 per month plus referral fees to sell their privacy by installing the iOS or Android “Facebook Research” app.

HAHAHaaa. Oh man. You kids and your Facepals. Yo Dawg, I heard you like being spied on
posted by petebest at 1:27 PM on January 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

Wow. That facebook VPN thing is targeted spear phishing, targeting users via social engineering to allow malicious software from an unapproved source to pass system level authenticity and integrity checks, and then distributing malware through a side channel that bypasses any auditability that captures network activity, acts as a man in the middle for intercepting encrypted communications, and catalogs all locally installed software.

Let's be very clear about what this was - an aggressive hacking campaign that would make state actors salivate with jealousy.

Sorry, this is probably noise since it's not very funny.
posted by MysticMCJ at 2:51 PM on January 30, 2019 [11 favorites]

I saw Schultz doing the "Warren hit me up for a donation but I turned her down" thing as if it makes him an alpha dog or something. Which is funny because I get a lot more pols than just Warren hitting me up for money and I turn them down routinely, I just don't think it's some big accomplishment.
posted by mark k at 9:12 PM on January 30, 2019 [10 favorites]

Did you catch what he said about Reagan?

@jonathanweisman: Howard Schultz says Ronald Reagan is the best Republican prez of the past 50 years, in part because “he never took his jacket off in the Oval Office” due to his respect for the office. [pic]

He also says FDR was the best Democratic president in the past 50 years. FDR died 74 years ago.
posted by peeedro at 9:33 PM on January 30, 2019 [13 favorites]

A master-class in how to answer opinion questions incorrectly.
posted by greermahoney at 9:35 PM on January 30, 2019 [7 favorites]

Aside from being entirely stupid, that answer singles out probably the only "dignity of the office" standard achievable by Trump, whose body image issues are such that he never appears in less than a full suit in front of anybody who hasn't signed an NDA.
posted by contraption at 10:02 PM on January 30, 2019 [6 favorites]

Here’s What Starbucks Is Telling Employees To Say About Howard Schultz (HuffPo)

If a customer asks if we are selling Howard’s book at Starbucks:

No, the books are available at bookstores and online.

If a customer attempts to investigate, or share aggressive political opinions, attempt to diffuse the situation by sharing:

We respect everyone’s opinion. Our goal is simply to create a warm and welcoming space where we can all gather, as a community, over great coffee.

If asked about Howard’s political intentions:

Howard’s future plans are up to him.

[This is not a joke, but it probably doesn't belong in the megathread either. I'll leave it here for any poor soul that decides to make a Howard Schultz post, and, if it gets deleted, que sera sera.]
posted by box at 6:03 AM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]

[Chris Christie] drank four big shots of tequila in about five minutes

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:37 AM on January 31, 2019 [6 favorites]

Ok, world. It’s my birthday today. You know what I want. A second reason to eat cake.
posted by greermahoney at 7:12 AM on January 31, 2019 [10 favorites]

You still have badgers?

Aren't they famously...face-tear-offy? Like honey badgers are the craziest, granted, but the rest aren't exactly docile? Do people...do people hunt those out of choice, or...?

I guess it works on a few levels.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:48 AM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]

Oh my god, that Chris Christie thing. Getting as wasted as possible immediately. Colbert asking if ANYONE actually likes him. Just all of it. Damn. I don't even know if that's "no fucks" or "crazy" like a fuck.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:52 AM on January 31, 2019

Here’s What Starbucks Is Telling Employees To Say About Howard Schultz

<Mariah Carey>"I don't know her."</Mariah Carey>
posted by octobersurprise at 7:58 AM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

This is a financial company Corsi says he was consulting for — along with Ted Malloch, the person to whom Corsi forwarded Stone’s older “Get to Assange” email.

A banker named "Malloch" (a single vowel away from "Molloch")?

Come on, 2019 writers, it's only the fifth week, try not to reach for the mallet yet.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:48 AM on January 31, 2019 [8 favorites]

The overall epic started on this path pretty early with things like 666 5th Ave, so I don't know why we'd expect anything different at this point. I'm curious if there's a running list of "names that are way too fitting" at this point, because the whole thing makes Everyman seem like an exercise in subtlety and restraint.
posted by MysticMCJ at 9:06 AM on January 31, 2019 [7 favorites]

A banker named "Malloch" (a single vowel away from "Molloch")?

That is really heavy-handed. You couldn't have gone with Shighloch.
posted by Sophie1 at 9:09 AM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]

The overall epic started on this path pretty early with things like 666 5th Ave, so I don't know why we'd expect anything different at this point.

Not to mention plot points like the beautiful Russian agent who likes to pose with guns and the avaricious Treasury Secretary who likes to pose with money.

I've been really waiting for a Wolfram & Hart appearance.
posted by octobersurprise at 9:40 AM on January 31, 2019 [15 favorites]

Well, I'd like to personally thank Pompeo for killing the word "swagger" dead. (From the megathread.)
posted by greermahoney at 11:59 AM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

the most recent additions of red string to the giant board

Do you know something that I don't?
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 12:22 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]

when this becomes a prestige streaming drama, "the FBI reviews several terabytes of Roger Stone's porn collection" is gonna be a whopper of a bottle episode
posted by prize bull octorok at 12:41 PM on January 31, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yes, of *course* Roger ("Dick in the front and Dick in the back") Stone would be a sex creep. This soap opera strains credulity at every turn.
posted by RedOrGreen at 12:42 PM on January 31, 2019 [1 favorite]

A joke in the coin metatalk made me realize: in the past few weeks I have been experimenting with recipes for bean cakes, without consciously connecting this to metafilter. The megathreads are taking over my brain even more than I realized!

Savory bean cakes are delicious, by the way.
posted by medusa at 2:50 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]

I wanted to know the policy on Fox news links in the megathreads.

Also, Fox is smearing Kamala Harris something terrible.
posted by infini at 2:53 PM on January 31, 2019

Supertruants are the new superpredators.
posted by peeedro at 3:02 PM on January 31, 2019

Gavin de Becker, the Amazon chief’s longtime personal security consultant

I did not know that the Gift of Fear guy was Lord Commander of the Bezosguard!
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:11 PM on January 31, 2019 [3 favorites]

Wait, Jenny McCarthy is reading the Megathread on the Masked Singer?!
posted by Gadgetenvy at 7:22 PM on January 31, 2019 [2 favorites]

Okay, I guess that might vaguely fit in the main thread but I'll post it here since it makes me want to scream at my monitor: Mike Rowe's SWEAT Pledge or: How to be a complaint-free cog in a machine. This is the kind of mindset Republicans want to instill in the general American populace, and it's horrifying.
posted by PontifexPrimus at 2:46 AM on February 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

I wanted to know the policy on Fox news links in the megathreads.

Identify the source, so people can avoid clicking on it if they see fit, and summarize the contents (or at least post a headline or a pull quote or something).

(Not a moderator, but I do spend a lot of time in the megathreads.)
posted by box at 4:46 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

The US is suspending participation in a landmark nuclear arms control treaty with Russia, raising concerns about a renewed arms race (CNN Twitter)

MNAGA
(Make Nuclear Annihilation Great Again!)
posted by runcibleshaw at 6:13 AM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

The Stupid Clock edges closer to Midnight ....
posted by petebest at 6:39 AM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Politico's Michael Calderone: "Booker will be live this morning on “The View” for first interview since announcing presidential run."

Todd Zwilich:

VIEW HQ
Exec Producer: "Get me one of the presidential candidates."

Producer: "Booker"

EP: "Right. Tell the booker. I want a candidate."

Prod: "That's what I'm saying. Booker."

EP: "YES. TELL the booker to make the call."

Prod: "To tell Booker."

EP: "THAT'S WHAT IM SAYING"

posted by Doktor Zed at 7:28 AM on February 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

We also would have accepted: "Booker? Damn near elected her!"
posted by Arson Lupine at 8:16 AM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Whenever I go into a Stabbix, which is whenever I can't find anything else, which, because of their ubiquity, is more frequently than I would prefer, they want me to say their Italian cup-size names and they try to hold up my coffee order demanding that I say them. I do not want to say what Stabbix wants me to say, down to their stupid name that they stole from Melville, so I don't. Sometimes I get around it by repeating "Giant. The giantest" until they relent, or by pointing and grunting, "That one;" sometimes I have my own cup with me and I say, "Whatever fits in that." From now on, since now Stabbix is running their own milkchocolateconservative candidate for president, I'd like to scream, "SPEAK ENGLISH! THIS IS AMERICA!" but of course that would be bootless barista abuse. How can I scream up? I want the tool that foisted "race together" on the world to crash and burn and his candidacy die screaming in flames, and I want it to happen precisely because in his attempt to brandwash "small, medium, and large" he made millions of Americans speak a language other than English in a chain restaurant, which as we all know is for conservatives a vile act of treason on a par with saying "happy holidays."
posted by Don Pepino at 8:34 AM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Double goop Poofti with cram half bargle no spiffle. Please.
posted by petebest at 8:40 AM on February 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

I don't play the Starbux coffee-size game, mostly because I don't go there much but when I do order a small latte or whatever they've never given me guff.

They just give me mealy, bland, or bitter coffee, but I assume that's a corporate requirement and not a personal failing of the baristas.
posted by BungaDunga at 8:53 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Half bargle? You monster.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 8:53 AM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Report: Mueller Investigation Nearly Done With First Day Of Trump Campaign (Politics.TheOnion)
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

Whenever I go into a Stabbix

I'm disappointed that this isn't referring to some sort of knife-flailing fugue state.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:46 AM on February 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

In a few more weeks, it may refer to a knife-flailing fugue state. Just give it time.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:10 AM on February 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

"The last thing I remember I was in the cutlery section of the Pier 1"

"Witnesses say I went into a stabbix"
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:45 AM on February 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

"Fortunately I only hurt some wicker furniture"
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 10:46 AM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

My understanding is that it was meant "ironically" and as a "gotcha" on the basis that Shultz is economically-right-wing-hence-conservative. Still not cool, obvs.
posted by InTheYear2017 at 11:02 AM on February 1, 2019

Also, "tall" and "short" are not Italian words.
posted by peeedro at 11:11 AM on February 1, 2019

In bunches of them they absolutely do try to get you to repeat the approved words for sizes, in the same way they infamously had to try to "start the conversation" about race. Perhaps you've been lucky enough to find only franchises without sociopathic line-toer middle managers cut from the same cloth as their insufferable leader. Congrats!
posted by Don Pepino at 11:11 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Actually it's oops, don't want to jinx it, but it's nice that Klownwig doesn't have an interest in coffee. Or any coffee chains. I mean, as in 'take it where we can get it' kind of small relief. That and he's not a sports fan. Or a music fan. Or literate. So. Some culture saved by 'neglect'.
posted by petebest at 11:21 AM on February 1, 2019

OK, so this was my fav Starbucks experience:

I order a medium chai. The cashier says "a medium?" and enters it in. I think it's odd that she doesn't translate it to Starbucksese but whatever. But the clerk next to her literally STOPS what she's doing and STARES at her. "What did you call it??"
My clerk: "Medium?"
Disbelieving clerk: "..."
My clerk: "Oh!! Grande! Hahahahaha." And we all have a good laugh.

Then, as I'm waiting for my drink, another clerk complains about some work that needs to get done and is looking for someone to help. She asks "Where's Mark?"
My clerk: "He's at Starbucks."
Everyone behind the counter: Stops and stares at her.
Disbelieving clerk: "He's where??"
My clerk: "He's at Starb.... oh! Hahahahaha. He's on break."

I don't know how anyone at that location gets anything done, what with the stopping and staring and clarifying.
posted by greermahoney at 11:26 AM on February 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

But the clerk next to her literally STOPS what she's doing and STARES at her. "What did you call it??"

I once overheard a Moe's employee warn another one about a manager who would shout "WHERE'S YOUR MOE'S!!" at them if everyone didn't chorus "Welcome to Moe's!" at every customer. (Which is exactly the reason I so rarely go to Moe's.)

(And I rarely go to Starbucks, either, but I've never gotten any grief for failing to use their special size names.)
posted by octobersurprise at 11:51 AM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

my mouth literally feels like it's more of an effort to say "grande" so if i'm feeling lazy i'll say "medium", but none of the ones I've been to really cares. These days though I order ahead so often that I don't actually talk to the baristas at all, even though the ones near work knows me by name.
posted by numaner at 11:57 AM on February 1, 2019

Also, "tall" and "short" are not Italian words.

And venti, while Italian, refers to a 20 (venti) ounce cup, which really ought to be called cinquantanove, because they use centiletres in Italy.
posted by Sys Rq at 12:00 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

fight the power! ask for McNuggets at Burger King!
posted by prize bull octorok at 1:20 PM on February 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

And venti, while Italian, refers to a 20 (venti) ounce cup, which really ought to be called cinquantanove, because they use centiletres in Italy.

I just want a prisencolinensinainciusol, ol rait?
posted by Avelwood at 1:21 PM on February 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

I like the good primary candidates. The primary candidates that you like suck!
posted by diogenes at 1:30 PM on February 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

ask for McNuggets at Burger King!

McDonald's loses trademark on "Big Mac" in the EU, Swedish ad agency working for Burger King pounces.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:05 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

(Oops, the article doesn't say anything about the ad agency, that was my assumption.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:08 PM on February 1, 2019

Trump Nominates White House Doctor Ronny Jackson For 2nd Star, Despite Ongoing Investigation. from

*snif* Ronny is a beautiful guy *snif* very bigly and he knows all the best pharmas *snif* believe me.
posted by petebest at 2:48 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

What the Ralph Northam situation does for online discourse.
posted by peeedro at 5:05 PM on February 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

so I'm thinking about voting for this Howard Starbucks guy and I'm wondering if the hive mind thinks that's a cool idea or not?
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:23 PM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I hate being in the timeline where America = Potterville.
posted by Celsius1414 at 5:35 PM on February 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

And here I was thinking that would be a thread about the poo flip (warning: you probably don't want to click that link; this is not a place of honor).
posted by zachlipton at 6:30 PM on February 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I imagine the beanplaters among us will have a lot to work with.

Ahh, they're fulla hot air!
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:38 PM on February 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

But the clerk next to her literally STOPS what she's doing and STARES at her. "What did you call it??"

Try going into an employee-owned socialist coffee shop and asking for a grande out of habit.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 7:26 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]

I left President Trump in the Oval Office!
posted by TedW at 8:12 AM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]

I honestly think we’re gonna forget about the entire Virginia gov thing by the weekend. I’m going to make a bet, if we’re still talking about Northam by Tuesday/he hasn’t resigned, I will ....spend 40 bucks on dollar scratch lotto cards and hand them out on the street.
posted by The Whelk at 8:25 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Just out of curiosity, where will this street be
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 8:43 AM on February 2, 2019 [11 favorites]

Make your own luck.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:08 AM on February 2, 2019

> One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Huh, I've always known a longer version. Someone wrote it in my university dorm kitchen (in increasingly shaky script) as

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, more.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila, floor."

posted by lucidium at 11:45 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Vox's Aaron Rupar: shot, chaser
posted by Doktor Zed at 1:53 PM on February 2, 2019

From The Artist Known As Mr. Fish, The D.T.s
posted by oneswellfoop at 3:03 PM on February 2, 2019

so I just realized how absolutely insane the Northam presser was.

any press conference that can accurately include a quote that goes "I used just a lil bit of shoe polish to put under my- on my cheeks. And the reason I used only a little bit of it is because, I don't know if anybody's tried it, you can't get shoe polish off" has already gone off the rails, but he then goes on to explain that he learned about why blackface is bad during the campaign because his "close friend", assistant and driver (who he names, so we all know he's black because white people aren't named Opoku-Yeboah) told him so. And he says that during that conversation he learned that "blackfacing" is bad and promised to never do it again.

HIS BLACK DRIVER TAUGHT HIM BLACKFACE IS WRONG

he also wanted everyone to know that he won the contest because he learned how to moonwalk

and his wife had to butt in and say that no, he wasn't going to perform the moonwalk when asked
posted by BungaDunga at 3:14 PM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]

HIS BLACK DRIVER TAUGHT HIM BLACKFACE IS WRONG

Driving Mr. Crazy
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 3:42 PM on February 2, 2019 [13 favorites]

I don't know if anybody's tried it, you can't get shoe polish off

It me. One year in college for Halloween I dressed as Autumn, I had no money so it was a very low-budget diy effort. It was peak foliage time so I collected a garbage bag of the most colorful leaves and I stitched them to some old clothes and I used Kiwi Toney Red shoe polish to color my face reddish. It dyed my skin pink for a couple of days. A bunch of people told me that's why you don't use shoe polish for blackface, and I was like "I see that now, but how did you know that?" Maybe it's just common knowledge for racists?
posted by peeedro at 4:37 PM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]

There was also the bit where he said "it has taken time for me to make sure that it’s not me," which is awfully incriminating after you've just given a bunch of blackface protips, and it's safe to say that for most of us, it would not actually take any time at all to know that we weren't in a picture that looked like that when we were 25.
posted by zachlipton at 4:42 PM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]

Or common knowledge for the "racist-adjacent" which I was growing up, thanks to my father and most of his friends...
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:43 PM on February 2, 2019

Sure, when someone said 'you were in a picture wearing blackface' I thought, sure, probably, so I apologized! but then I checked and it turns out, that totally wasn't me in that picture! So I can stay in office, right?

Guys?

Anybody?
posted by BungaDunga at 5:09 PM on February 2, 2019 [7 favorites]

it turns out I wasn't the one in blackface, I was the one in the hood. My uncle lent it to me when I told him I didn't have a Halloween costume; I thought it was a scary ghost. after my other black friend told me last night what the KKK was, I have promised never to dress up this way again
posted by BungaDunga at 5:26 PM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

And here I was thinking that would be a thread about the poo flip (warning: you probably don't want to click that link; this is not a place of honor).

Me, for the past 24 hours: why the hell did I think it was a good idea to post the poo flip link in here exactly?
Johnny Wallflower: let me follow up my last poo-themed FPP with a poo flip FPP

Some mefites are braver than I, and I salute them, that's all I'm saying.
posted by zachlipton at 6:18 PM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]

I don't understand why he needed shoe polish to imitate Michael Jackson.
posted by MtDewd at 8:27 PM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

Can we just make a rule that if you"ve ever worn blackface you are disqualified from running or holding elected office in this country? What the fuck is wrong with people?

I once knew a white kid (elementary school age) who was on the spectrum and obsessed with a famous black person, a historical figure. Said white kid dressed up as black historical figure for Halloween and wanted to wear blackface, not knowing anything about the historical context, just being a kid who wanted to be just exactly like historical figure. After a few minutes of explanation this young kid who was not the most socially clueful got it. THIS IS NOT THAT HARD.
posted by medusa at 9:07 PM on February 2, 2019

This was back before 1984.
posted by porpoise at 9:09 PM on February 2, 2019

When he said he wasn't the same person as who was in that picture, I half expected him to veer off into the philosophy of self and say no one is the same person they were 35 years ago, 35 days ago, or even 35 minutes ago, we are all constantly changing.
posted by ckape at 9:12 PM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

That was a reply to MtDewd, not medusa.

I owe medusa a non-coke drink of their choice.
posted by porpoise at 9:54 PM on February 2, 2019

porpoise, thanks for the drink. Ahhh, refreshing.
posted by medusa at 9:58 AM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

From the other thread: "Trump is the most important person in the world. That's sort of true now but to him it's always been true. As the most important person what's most important to him is what others are saying about him. So the majority of his time is spent watching TV news so he can catch every appearance of himself & every comment on himself. Narcissist? He's Narcissus himself, staring into a 21st century mirror."

I can't think of one right now, but some sort of Zaphod Beeblebrox joke seems like it should be made here.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:28 PM on February 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

he's just this guy, you know?
posted by BungaDunga at 3:40 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Trump is Beeblebrox without the booze and much, much stupider.

Douglas Adams' universe makes much more sense than our current one- at least Beeblebrox needed to be smart to end up President of the Galaxy.
posted by BungaDunga at 3:44 PM on February 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

If only he left Trump Tower through the window.
posted by mollweide at 4:31 PM on February 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Why the fucking fuck do we have to have a thread devoted exclusively to that fucking billionaire asshat Schultz? I can't take it!
posted by bluesky43 at 4:46 PM on February 3, 2019

The separate Schultz thread is like having a special can where you place all the stinky, dirty stuff you don’t want to see. You don’t actually open the can and smell it!
posted by Gadgetenvy at 7:31 PM on February 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Trump’s State of the Union pledge: Ending HIV transmissions by 2030

Dude, you can't even end measles and whooping cough with that willfully ignorant base of yours.
posted by ctmf at 12:10 AM on February 4, 2019 [7 favorites]

Dude, you can't even end measles and whooping cough with that willfully ignorant base of yours.

Sadly, there’s blame to share, there. There are a ton of liberal anti-vaxxers contributing to the resurgence of diseases once under control.
posted by greermahoney at 5:46 AM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]

Sadly, there’s blame to share, there. There are a ton of liberal anti-vaxxers contributing to the resurgence of diseases once under control.

Seems like the same anxious mindset that leads to always buying gluten-free organic vegan food and voting for 3rd party candidates.
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:32 AM on February 4, 2019

Just this last weekend I read The Screwtape Letters for the first time. I really believe whoever owns that copyright could release a lot of them next week titled "Correspondence between two codenamed workers in a Russian troll factory intercepted and translated by British intelligence" with literally no other changes and it would work unbelievably well.

Probably not an original thought, but since I hadn't read them previously it really struck me.
posted by jermsplan at 11:45 AM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

From the MT: The WH said to expect "Cooperation, common sense & compromise" in the coming State of the Union speech.

I can't decide if this is either (1) having lost his showdown with Pelosi, Trump is going to roll over and offer up whatever she wants, or (2) strategic positioning for a "No one expects the Spanish Inquisition" kind of surprise...
posted by RedOrGreen at 12:40 PM on February 4, 2019

Is this where I can say how much I enjoyed seeing Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's response on Twitter to this article? Art on the Superyachts: Beware of Wine Corks and Unruly Children.

People are using GoFundMe to beg for insulin while this is happening in the same time and place.
It’s no wonder logical, compassionate ideas are called “radical” when the present is dystopian.
We’re living in the upside-down, asking for the rightside-up.

Tell me about it, AOC. Thank you for acknowledging the largely unspoken but tragically obvious.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:48 PM on February 4, 2019 [4 favorites]

Oh wait, one more thing: "An incident in Syria two years ago involving the transport of an Iranian port-a-potty nearly led to a confrontation between American and Iranian forces, underscoring just how quickly even minor events could escalate there." Why wasn't this published in January, during Wordshore's poop-post-award competition?!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:14 PM on February 4, 2019 [1 favorite]

Donald Trump Jr. Doesn’t Know What SNL Stands For ... but he was a big fan of the "Needs more cowbell" skit sketch (Vulture, Jan. 31, 2019)

Responding to a tweet that read

So 2020 dem platform is

-no private healthcare.
-kill fully formed 2 seconds from birth babies
-70% marginal tax rates on people they hate
-ban nearly every gun
-also you're racist

This is basically a right wing parody of a dem platform and it's real.

Donny Jr. wrote "It’s almost like a funny version of an S&L skit." ‘Like a child saying libary’: Trump Jr. mercilessly mocked for thinking ‘S&L’ is short for ‘Saturday Night Live’ (Raw Story, Jan. 31, 2019)

Also, I love the fever-dream of that internet Republican:
- Public health care for all
- Broader abortion access
- 70% marginal tax rate on the very wealthy (and very wealthy = "people they hate" ... I'll allow it)
- ban lots of guns, but not all guns!
- why yes, you are probably racist, but we're not chanting "Lock You Up!" are we? Or trying to run you over?

Liberal Dems for the win here.
posted by filthy light thief at 2:02 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]

Northam isn't resigning because he doesn't want to be "known as a racist for life?"

this is real life?
posted by schadenfrau at 2:50 PM on February 4, 2019 [5 favorites]

It's just his fantasy
Caught in a grand lie
No escape from chastisery
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:28 PM on February 4, 2019 [15 favorites]

Mama, cosplayed the Klan.
Did some blackface with a friend,
Shame, I can't feign or pretend.
posted by Arson Lupine at 3:56 PM on February 4, 2019 [12 favorites]

Mama, governorship has just begun
And now I can't just throw it all away
posted by numaner at 4:02 PM on February 4, 2019 [9 favorites]

Too late... not
My time has come... not
Just a play a bit for time
They'll forget this ugly slime
Hello, everybody, I've got to stay
Gotta keep this bitchin' job and spin the truth
posted by Meatbomb at 7:42 PM on February 4, 2019 [8 favorites]

Mamaaaa oooh oooh oooh
Dems say I have to go
I sometimes wish I’d never moonwalked at all!
posted by greermahoney at 7:48 PM on February 4, 2019 [10 favorites]

He Lives (via)
posted by exogenous at 8:11 PM on February 4, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'm just a guv'nor
You cannot blame me
I was in med school
Trying to be funny
posted by GrammarMoses at 5:28 AM on February 5, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm just a rich boy
From a rich family
Spare me my life from accountability
posted by mikepop at 5:55 AM on February 5, 2019 [15 favorites]

So you think you can stop me and make me resign
So you think you can shame me and not hear my whine
Oh baby, can't do this to me baby
Just gotta moonwalk just gotta moonwalk right outta here
posted by nubs at 7:38 AM on February 5, 2019 [8 favorites]

Oh oh oh yeah, oh oh yeah
I regret these matters
A harmful legacy
Thriller blackface matters
Thriller blackface matters, to me
Ina-propri-ate 'stances... *gong*
posted by Molesome at 8:06 AM on February 5, 2019 [5 favorites]

That whole song parody alone makes this thread worthwhile.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:26 AM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

I love you goofballs.
posted by cortex (staff) at 9:13 AM on February 5, 2019 [8 favorites]

You love us in the Gray, anyway...
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:58 AM on February 5, 2019 [9 favorites]

Malpass was the chief economist at Bear Sterns just before it collapsed

the writers are getting cleverer, this is a big step up from their "Reality Winner" days

If Northam and Fairfax both resigned, AG Mark Herring would become governor.

otoh if this guy has red hair I quit
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:05 AM on February 5, 2019 [6 favorites]

Good news! He has white/grey hair (official website of Herring for AG, which includes a family-type photo, where it looks like his daughter(?) has red hair, so maybe he had red hair?)

Look what you've done, MetaFilter Politics threads, look! I'm speculating on a man's hair color because I momentarily thought "hey, this is important/ funny!"
posted by filthy light thief at 11:33 AM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

Editorial Page Cartoon Goes Meta
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:51 PM on February 5, 2019 [7 favorites]

> Checking my health insurance to see if "backstabbing" is covered under my plan. At least "Wendell Primus" really is an incredible name.

Wendell Primus Sucks!
posted by phearlez at 1:03 PM on February 5, 2019 [3 favorites]

From the megathread:

> He also threatened to send even more troops to the southern border: "We have sent additional military. We will build a Human Wall if necessary."

Hot off the presses, this architectural rendering of Trump's Human Wall!
posted by GrammarMoses at 1:18 PM on February 5, 2019

OK but if you break through the human wall you’re allowed to carry someone back to your side.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 1:31 PM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

Once again, the wheel is older than the wall.
posted by peeedro at 1:47 PM on February 5, 2019

Hot off the presses, this architectural rendering of Trump's Human Wall!

my sources provided this

I, uh, um, the immigrants will be deterred by matte black paint?

every owner of a vintage dodge charger knows that matte black is the most badass of all colors
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:06 PM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

OK, so what's the line on how fast Trump gets called "Presidential" after his speech ends tonight?
posted by nubs at 3:13 PM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm sure there's at least one person on twitter who will say "Today was the day Donald trump finally became president"
posted by ckape at 4:22 PM on February 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Sen. Chuck Schumer: "I'm glad that President Trump is going to be the warm-up act for Stacey Abrams." (@TheHill, w/video)
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:31 PM on February 5, 2019 [12 favorites]

> Sen. Chuck Schumer: "I'm glad that President Trump is going to be the warm-up act for Stacey Abrams." (@TheHill, w/video)

Did Schumer and his staffers always have this in them, or is AOC sending over some of her B material for strategic diss tweets?

Either way, me likey.
posted by tonycpsu at 5:34 PM on February 5, 2019 [6 favorites]

(reminder: MetaChat is a great spot for all your livestreaming hyucking-hyuck / fucking-fuck needs during this stupidest of times)
posted by tivalasvegas at 6:02 PM on February 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

is AOC sending over some of her B material

That's prime material, there.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 6:18 PM on February 5, 2019

Did Schumer and his staffers always have this in them,

I didn't pay that much attention to him before, but he definitely seems to have found his snark under the cushions during the midterms.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:45 PM on February 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Thread titles from Daily Kos' coverage of the SOTU (link):

SOTU 2019 live blog 1: The Fake and the Furious
SOTU 2019 live blog 2: You will not like it with a wall, you will not like it any way at all.
SOTU 2019 live blog 3: The Uncredibles
SOTU 2019 live blog 4: Look who's still talking.
SOTU 2019 live blog 5: How is this not over?
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:12 PM on February 5, 2019 [2 favorites]

He tried to sound like The Gipper
but he's just a two-hand sipper.
posted by peeedro at 8:15 PM on February 5, 2019

Joshua Trump, invited as a special guest because he's been getting bullied because of his last name, wins the night by appearing to fall asleep, though I'm concerned that might not take care of the bullying problem.
posted by zachlipton at 8:44 PM on February 5, 2019 [4 favorites]

Melania literally only cares about bullying when the victim's name is Trump.
posted by mbrubeck at 10:18 PM on February 5, 2019 [8 favorites]

The State of the Onion has many layers...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:29 AM on February 6, 2019

"Socialist" is a label that is self-limiting for the Leftist Agenda. Saying "Medicare For All is Not Socialism" is a good way to build support for the concept. Yeah, let's allow the Billionaires to continue to "own" corporations, but let's tax them so their assets are much less. Maybe we can sell the idea of forcing all corporations to have employee representatives on their boards of directors, but don't call it "unionism". It's all in the labeling. American Fascists did it masterfully ("Alt-Right"? Come ON)
(maybe a little too serious for Hyucking Thread, but auto-deleted from the megathread while VA Blackface rolls on)
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:03 AM on February 6, 2019 [1 favorite]

Full disclosure, guys. When I was 11, for Halloween, I put antenna on my head, wore silver face paint, and went as a television.

God, it was so embarrassing. Talk about regrets.
posted by greermahoney at 9:24 AM on February 6, 2019 [1 favorite]

So the punchline on the VA thing is apparently "it's racists all the way down"?
posted by nubs at 9:54 AM on February 6, 2019

No, there are also dudes who don't know what consent looks like.
posted by Etrigan at 9:56 AM on February 6, 2019 [3 favorites]

Ah, the double whammy
posted by nubs at 9:57 AM on February 6, 2019

And that comes across as more flippant than I wanted, even for this thread. Sorry.
posted by nubs at 10:00 AM on February 6, 2019

The best instant response to Trump's SOTU? (from Colbert, of course)
posted by oneswellfoop at 10:01 AM on February 6, 2019 [5 favorites]

Suggested post title for the VA Politics FPP: Chain of Fools (Aretha Franklin)
posted by Little Dawn at 10:06 AM on February 6, 2019 [2 favorites]

I skipped the SOTU because A. I was asleep and B. I could not even. Still, hearing that Nancy Pelosi wore a necklace of two red balls on a blue chain was intriguing to say the least. That is not actually what the necklace is, but you could probably think of it in those terms if you wanted to throw some shade without saying a word. Turns out the necklace is made of recycled glass and made by a Houston designer. The Houston Chronicle article about it includes a pic from the SOTU for those of us who want to see it.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:56 AM on February 6, 2019 [3 favorites]

Artist Imagines What Trump Would Do If He Was Born In Russia
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:24 PM on February 6, 2019 [1 favorite]

"Socialist" is a label that is self-limiting for the Leftist Agenda.

No. What's self-limiting is preemptively cringing away from language that clearly identifies what we believe in, tacitly agreeing with the Republicans that those words are embarrassing or unmentionably dirty. What's self-limiting is coming up with mealy-mouthed euphemisms and pretending those won't be demonized in just the same way.

"Socialism" is polling ahead of "capitalism" IN IOWA. Say it proud.
posted by contraption at 5:25 PM on February 6, 2019 [14 favorites]

What's self-limiting is preemptively cringing away from language that clearly identifies what we believe in
...which is why the Fascists and Racists have done so poorly while hiding behind labels like "Alt-Right" and "Populist". No, wait, they're doing great...
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:15 PM on February 6, 2019

Mod note: I'm gonna say Let's Straightfacedly Argue About Socialism is pretty far outside of the remit of this thread, please cut it out.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:02 PM on February 6, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yes. Please everyone, take this not seriously.
posted by Marticus at 8:15 PM on February 6, 2019 [4 favorites]

Insert multi-level pun about socialism, social media, anti-social tendencies and SoCal here.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:42 PM on February 6, 2019 [2 favorites]

Based on everything I've heard and read about the means of production in Hollywood, I definitely have some anti-SoCal tendencies.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:47 PM on February 6, 2019

> Please everyone, take this not seriously.

But where do I put my screed about the sharp stab of rage I felt when the MT reminded me of "compassionate conservative" policies like this?

> [Ivanka's family leave] plan is to allow parents to borrow from their future Social Security retirement benefits. So the Republican family leave is just a debt that parents incur and pay for by impoverishing themselves in their old age.

I mean, this isn't news. I knew this, when it was first proposed by Paul Ryan and Ivanka Trump two centuries ago. But what do I do with the white hot stab of rage now?
posted by RedOrGreen at 7:13 AM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

Support Wendi.
posted by adamvasco at 7:15 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

Good news: Republicans and Democrats have some common ground to bond over.
Bad news: it's zombies.

Zombie apocalypse is a bipartisan issue — on TVs across the U.S., at least (Melanie McFarland, Salon)

In these times of political tribalism, among the few things that unite Americans are our collective fandoms for “This Is Us,” “Stranger Things” and “The Walking Dead.”

Such are the findings of E-Poll Market Research, which released its 2019 list of top programs among viewers identifying as Democrats and Republicans on Tuesday, the same day as Donald Trump’s State of the Union address, also something of a collective viewing experience across many platforms.

posted by ZeusHumms at 8:45 AM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

I just now finally got around to watching Pelosi's viral "clap back" during the SOTU address, and I've gotta say it looks to me like a perfect "You keep using that word..." moment.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:00 AM on February 7, 2019

I will never get tired of watching it. It's full body mockery. She's like a dancer.

I also fucking LOVE that none of these dudes know how to deal with girl shit. They are utterly bewildered and have no idea how to respond and it is glorious. An army of Regina Georges to Washington now!
posted by schadenfrau at 11:04 AM on February 7, 2019 [9 favorites]

Zombie apocalypse is a bipartisan issue — on TVs across the U.S., at least

Leftists enjoy zombie stuff because they show people working together for the common good. Rightists enjoy zombie stuff because they show people murdering The Other at will.
posted by Etrigan at 11:20 AM on February 7, 2019 [10 favorites]

I don't think this is appropriate for the main thread, but probably for this one.

I just learned that I've been mispronouncing the new Supreme Court Justice's name wrong. Here's the correct pronunciation.
posted by weed donkey at 11:39 AM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

from the serious thread: People watched and enjoyed The Apprentice.
They also watched and enjoyed The Sopranos and public acceptance of mobsters (domestic and foreign) rose significantly. The Walking Dead built fear of zombies and other 'stupid masses'. And don't ask about the effect of Game of Thrones on popular perceptions.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:10 PM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

From Twitter: what if a politician did blackface and ended up getting murdered by a revenge-seeking Liam Neeson. This is just the oddest fucking timeline.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:26 PM on February 7, 2019 [6 favorites]

gocomics is re-running the Late Great* Richard Thompson's not-quite-op-ed cartoons from the Washington Post... here's one of the best (make your own columnist matches)

*don't argue with that; it's a tragic fact that he died before rising to the status of the combination Schulz and Kliban he was.
posted by oneswellfoop at 2:33 PM on February 7, 2019 [1 favorite]

The Huffington Post headline about Jeff Bezos's accusation of extortion and blackmail by National Enquirer publisher David Pecker: 🚨 BEZOS EXPOSES PECKER 🚨. (And yes, Bezos's dick picks are apparently involved.)
posted by Doktor Zed at 4:11 PM on February 7, 2019 [7 favorites]

The line I saved for you all here and instead of in the megathread was this: “For want of some tail the kingdom was lost.”
posted by notyou at 5:06 PM on February 7, 2019 [4 favorites]

Alternate version of Jerry Nadler's letter to Matt Whitaker about his testimony tomorrow.
posted by Doktor Zed at 5:13 PM on February 7, 2019 [3 favorites]

Nadler is my rep and I’ve always had a good feeling about him and I don’t want to be disavowed of that too much right now
posted by The Whelk at 5:25 PM on February 7, 2019

So the guy trying to blackmail the billionaire with a dick pick is named Pecker.

The writers have a least been consistent with names being on point.
posted by nubs at 5:35 PM on February 7, 2019 [5 favorites]

Here's a delightfully meme-able photo of Emperor Nincompoop. Have at it, internet!
posted by GrammarMoses at 3:26 AM on February 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

The angle of that photo makes it look like he's reeling in panic as his ship of state tilts and sinks.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:58 AM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Or, as we call it, Friday.
posted by Celsius1414 at 12:42 PM on February 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Have at it, internet!

There has never been a more apt pose for that short-fingered vulgarian.
posted by carsonb at 10:55 PM on February 8, 2019

Megathread: "what his former communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, himself an author of a tell-all, once called Mr. Trump’s “reality distortion field” where he “curves facts toward himself.”"

I would not have guessed, based on what I've learned about Scaramucci (which is admittedly 99% from MeFi megathreads), that he's a Star Trek fan. No way anybody comes up with the phrase "reality distortion field" who isn't a Star Trek fan. (Or, failing that, a Star Trek writer, at least.)
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 6:06 AM on February 9, 2019 [2 favorites]

Caption: "OMG, they really *are* short!"
posted by GrammarMoses at 10:05 AM on February 9, 2019

"Reality distortion field" was coined by an Apple software development manager in 1981 to describe how reality in the presence of Steve Jobs is "malleable". He says he got the idea from Star Trek, but the phrase doesn't appear in the episode he claims it did (at least not in the online transcripts). The Mooch probably picked it up from a business book that discussed Steve Jobs.
posted by Doktor Zed at 10:13 AM on February 9, 2019 [6 favorites]

This plate of Star Trek beans is delicious:

“The best way to describe the situation is a term from Star Trek,” he explained. “Steve Jobs has a reality distortion field.”

It would make sense that a guy named “Tribble” would use a Star Trek reference. He was referring to a two-part episode entitled “The Menagerie,” in which the crew finds a planet called Talos, whose inhabitants are able to create virtual realities in the minds of other people — or as Tribble later put it, creating “their own new world through sheer mental force.”

posted by Little Dawn at 10:33 AM on February 9, 2019

NY Post front page:

National Enquirer
may have violated
deal with feds
HARD TIMES FOR PECKER

posted by Doktor Zed at 2:39 PM on February 9, 2019 [4 favorites]

I'm surprised The New York Daily News isn't keeping up with the Post in "PECKER" puns, considering it's NOT a Murdoch media entity.
posted by oneswellfoop at 4:35 PM on February 9, 2019

OK so this is at best marginally adjacent to the Current Horror but can we take a five-minute hate session to talk about how deeply unrelatable David Brooks is?

He may not be the hero this country needs, but he's probably the NYT opinion columnist it deserves
posted by tivalasvegas at 8:19 PM on February 9, 2019 [3 favorites]

Now that it's been revealed that there are thirty-one ongoing national emergencies, including:

June 26, 2001: The National Emergency With Respect to Blocking Property of Persons Who Threaten International Stabilization Efforts in the Western Balkans imposed sanctions on those aiding Albanian insurgents in Macedonia

Aug 17, 2001: The National Emergency With Respect to Export Control Regulations renewed presidential power to control exports in a national emergency since the Export Administration Act of 1979 lapsed.

I think it's time to declare open season on national emergencies. Here's some I'll propose:

The National Emergency With Respect To People Walking Into Business Establishments And Immediately Stopping, Therefore Blocking All Progress

The National Emergency With Respect To The Destabilization Of Everyone's Sanity As A Result Of This Total Bullshit

The National Emergency With Respect To People Not Leashing Their Dogs And Letting Them Run Around All Willy-Nilly

The National Emergency With Respect To National Emergencies Proliferating Exponentially

posted by MrVisible at 5:49 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

The National Emergency With Respect To People Not Leashing Their Dogs And Letting Them Run Around All Willy-Nilly


I think the phrase you're looking for is higgledy-piggledy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 6:56 PM on February 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

The National Emergency With Respect To Long Waits Between Seasons of Good TV Series
posted by oneswellfoop at 7:10 PM on February 10, 2019 [7 favorites]

The National Emergency With Respect To AHHHHHHH FUCK NOOOOOOOO MAKE IT GO AWAY make it go away someone please
posted by medusa at 7:42 PM on February 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

The National Emergency With Respect To People Not Leashing Their Dogs And Letting Them Run Around All Willy-Nilly

I think the phrase you're looking for is higgledy-piggledy.

I think willy-nilly applies only to male dogs.
posted by Marticus at 8:43 PM on February 10, 2019 [4 favorites]

Also could be helter-skelter, harem-skarem, topsy-turvy, hugger-mugger, skimble-skamble or nolens volens (all found at various on-line thesauruses)....
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:52 PM on February 10, 2019 [3 favorites]

I was just trying to avoid amok.

Because... ugh. Amok. It's the verbal equivalent of pulling a suction cup off a shower wall.
posted by MrVisible at 8:57 PM on February 10, 2019 [1 favorite]

I was just trying to avoid amok.

I don't blame you; Pon Farr is nothing to be trifled with - for the atrocious theme music, if nothing else.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:48 PM on February 10, 2019 [5 favorites]

I don't blame you; Pon Farr is nothing to be trifled with - for the atrocious theme music, if nothing else.

Lirpas at dawn, sir. Or the ahn'woon, if you prefer.

(I use that song as the ring tone on my cell phone not so much because I love it (though I do, it's cheesy goodness), but because I've found that it tends to catch my attention in otherwise crowded or noisy environments where other ringtones don't work).
posted by nubs at 7:44 AM on February 11, 2019 [3 favorites]

The Moral Indecency of the Away Message
I just can't spare any cycles for David Brooks, sorry. My only satisfaction when it comes to that guy is knowing that if I am wrong and there is a bad place, he will be there eventually and not among his betters.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:24 AM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

Ahead of Trump's El Paso visit, dozens of Americans link hands at the southern border forming a human wall (CNN)

Tiny Hands Across America*: "there are dozens of us! dozens!"
*mileage may vary
posted by BungaDunga at 8:51 AM on February 11, 2019 [1 favorite]

just trying to avoid amok.

I have frequently explained that my Bachelors Degree in Business specialized in Swamp Management so I am fully qualified to run a muck.
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:59 AM on February 11, 2019 [6 favorites]

OK so this is at best marginally adjacent to the Current Horror but can we take a five-minute hate session to talk about how deeply unrelatable David Brooks is?

I'm starting a non-profit that will make sure somebody yells "shut the fuck up David Brooks" at David Brooks at least once a day
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 5:39 PM on February 11, 2019 [7 favorites]

Bad Lip Reading of the State of the Union Address.

It’s not much more garbled than Trump’s off-TelePrompTer word salad.
posted by Doktor Zed at 9:48 AM on February 12, 2019 [2 favorites]

Metafilter: random neural firings in a brain rotting from an unspecified variety of senile dementia
posted by ZeusHumms at 12:22 PM on February 12, 2019

It's #HealthPolicyValentines season on Twitter, if absurdly nerdy bad poetry is your sort of thing.
posted by zachlipton at 2:54 PM on February 12, 2019 [2 favorites]

I said Ann Coulter's name out loud, and my computer must have thought I said 'hey cortana', and the computer replied with this accidental poetry:

Hi! How can I help you?
When does summer begin?
When does winter end?

This is the most interesting thing that can ever happen about ann and so now you've seen it we never have to talk about her again because she's useless until microsoft robots write more poetry.
posted by adept256 at 12:57 AM on February 13, 2019 [4 favorites]

I fully endorse this event and/or product.
posted by petebest at 5:28 AM on February 13, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm wondering which talking head on Fox News will cause Trump to have a temper tantrum that throws government into another shutdown.
posted by ZeusHumms at 7:52 AM on February 13, 2019 [6 favorites]

Now that LaRouche has died I ought to confess that while in college I used to go around saying I supported Lyndon Larouche for President just because his name sounded funny.
I used to do some dumb things.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 5:41 PM on February 13, 2019 [3 favorites]

"A perfect visual metaphor" (imgur via reddit)
posted by sylvanshine at 7:36 PM on February 13, 2019 [2 favorites]

you know it's fake, right?

but this one is real.
posted by peeedro at 9:13 PM on February 13, 2019 [1 favorite]

Remember when Trump met the Pope, but wouldn't let very-Catholic Sean Spicer tag along?

Heh heh heh. Yeah.
posted by petebest at 5:11 AM on February 14, 2019 [3 favorites]

Pre-Deletion Comment!:
Just in case there's anyone else in this situation - up until last week I literally had never heard of Max Boot before, or knew why I should care about his opinions. Still don't actually*. Which is not to say they're not relevant, just that I may have missed some election or something. Given the timeline however, it's just as likely he's been fabricated from whole cloth and inserted by the writers to patch up some storyline that was in danger of being believable.
*And he shall remain so as I brook no trucks with the writers. (Wait, truck no fools? Brook no worries? Whatever.)
posted by petebest at 5:20 AM on February 14, 2019

“Why I’m Leaving New York,” by Jeff Bezos

"On reflection the better joke is “oh great, ANOTHER Medium poster writing about why he’s leaving New York.”"
posted by Doktor Zed at 9:19 AM on February 14, 2019 [4 favorites]

ICE set up a fake university website to entrap immigrants. The project started in February 2017, right after the new President took office.

A fake university. Where could they have gotten that crazy idea?
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 11:18 AM on February 14, 2019 [5 favorites]

Sarah Sanders tweeted out a statement about declaring a national emergency that includes a random dot in the middle of the image, which is just weird enough to mess with everyone's heads.
posted by zachlipton at 1:31 PM on February 14, 2019 [4 favorites]

Every time I hear about the prospect of President Asterisk declaring a national emergency, I'm reminded of this infamous scene from The Office (US).

Also, kudos to whoever was the first person to make the joke that someone in this administration/Congress would try to fuck everybody in America on Valentine's Day.
posted by Arson Lupine at 1:34 PM on February 14, 2019 [3 favorites]

which is just weird enough to mess with everyone's heads

It’s a common artifact from typing up something in the notes app and then screenshotting it so that’s how we know this is totally long term planned and coordinated and not just another temper tantrum from king baby
posted by The Whelk at 1:52 PM on February 14, 2019 [6 favorites]

President Smash 'n Grab
posted by petebest at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2019

FUCK HIM UP NANCY
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:45 PM on February 14, 2019 [7 favorites]

BuzzFeed, David MackThe White House Announced A National Emergency Using The Notes App

The story itself is written using the Notes app, which means I can't copy/paste from it and it's inaccessible to people using screen readers.
posted by zachlipton at 2:48 PM on February 14, 2019 [3 favorites]

The national disaster is just a distraction from the real news of the day, Trump is officially obese.
posted by peeedro at 3:40 PM on February 14, 2019 [3 favorites]

The national disaster is just a distraction from the real news of the day, Trump is officially obese.

I foolishly clicked on that link, despite not wanting to see pictures of Trump, thankfully my work PC heroically threw itself on that grenade by immediately crashing to BSOD.
posted by Marticus at 8:58 PM on February 14, 2019 [6 favorites]

it's still astonishing that we're even discussing these efforts to turn a ridiculous, disastrous situation into something resembling normalcy.

Not sure if this refers to Brexit, Trump, Facebook, or any panel program on Fox News.

Metafilter: discussing a ridiculous, disastrous situation into something resembling normalcy
posted by ZeusHumms at 8:06 AM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

Well that was a trainwreck.

The title of the current megathread ("When I say something that you might think is a gaffe, it’s on purpose") really captures the nuance of the ramble of rent steel and the smoking heaps of boiler plate.
posted by notyou at 8:48 AM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

Sometimes this administration feels like a demented echo of the classic Twilight Zone episode, "It's a Good Life", the one where Billy Mumy plays a boy with reality-altering powers, whom everyone tries to think happy thoughts around, lest he go off.
posted by ZeusHumms at 9:50 AM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

Surely, the old-timey anti-Irish sentiments expressed by Sessions will lead us to question the wisdom of a gerontocracy?
posted by Selena777 at 11:38 AM on February 15, 2019

New Jersey’s attorney general has stepped into the investigation of President Trump’s $107 million presidential inaugural fund, issuing an administrative subpoena for the fund’s financial records, including any that document fund-raising in the state.

The New Jersey subpoena also demands records of any contributions made on behalf of foreigners, who are barred from contributing to inaugural funds, campaigns or political action committees in the United States. It also covers audits, contracts with vendors, documents related to the nonprofit organization’s tax status, and any records of advertisements, direct mailings or fund-raising events in New Jersey.

Motion to utilize the previously approved "Omnigate" nomenclature for all scandals in the current fiscal year.
posted by petebest at 3:05 PM on February 15 [10 favorites +] [!]

We're gonna need a wall and some string and some pushpins to keep track of all the ongoing investigations -- and of course that's in addition to the walls and string and pushpins we'll need for each individual investigation.

You know, a Trump Investigation metafilter of some sort.
posted by notyou at 3:43 PM on February 15, 2019

But who's going to pay for those walls? Let alone the large quantities of the other office supplies needed.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:52 PM on February 15, 2019

MetaFilter Emergency! We don't need to do it, we just want stuff faster. Somebody trot out cortex to ramble incoherently and angrily for 45 minutes in the MeFi garden.
posted by petebest at 4:37 PM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

Ann Coulter: 'The Only National Emergency Is That Our President Is an Idiot’

If only somebody had said so
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 7:50 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

Wait, I agree with something Ann Coulter said?!? Wow. I - I feel a bit...dirty, somehow...
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:56 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

More like Manafucked, amirite.
posted by Marticus at 2:29 AM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wait, I agree with something Ann Coulter said?!?
One of my favorite expanded cliches is "A stopped clock is right twice a day, and a clock running backwards twice as often."
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:03 PM on February 16, 2019 [5 favorites]

But a racist clock is always racist.
posted by peeedro at 12:18 PM on February 16, 2019 [3 favorites]

And a cuckoo clock... well.
posted by GrammarMoses at 5:31 AM on February 17, 2019 [3 favorites]