Wordshore will speak words for you in an English accent

September 13, 2018 9:48 AM

Following a short but successful experiment, the result of which being that Mr Bondcliff of the USA is now the happy owner of a most unusual phone ringing tone, I have decided to speak words of the choosing of MeFites. "Hit me up", as the young MeFites apparently say, with some words and I will - within reason - create a sound file of spoken delights for you and others to listen to.

I feel the need to set a few sensible/boring ground rules. Verily:

1. Nothing long. Requests to recite the Treaty of Westphalia will be politely ignored, as will requests to decantate some portion of text.
2. No politics. You may desire, for your personal needs, a recording of e.g. "Fuck that orange shitgibbon" spoken in the Queen's accent, but you will need to make enquiries elsewhere.
3. Nothing dapocaginous in nature or intent.
4. Nothing illegal (by that, I mean nothing which may cause myself or MetaFilter problems).
5. No sound effects. I will not, for example, bombilate your submitted text.
6. Nothing too weird (I will be the judge of weird).

In the unlikely scenario of there being a large volume of requests I'll just record a subset, more likely to be the shorter ones.

Please note: my English accent is not consistent. It can veer from aristocracy, through middle class, and working class, depending with whom one has been drinking tea with that day. Elements of west country, Brummie, and especially my native vernacular (Asum) can creep in, as occasionally can Hebridean and midwest American.

The cut-off is let's say two weeks i.e. around afternoon tea time, here in England, on Thursday 27th of September. I will place the sound files on a website or downloadable place shortly afterwards, and add an entry to MetaFilter Projects and a comment here.

Either leave your desired wordage as a comment in this thread, or (for more anonymity) send me a Mail.

My thanks to Mr Bondcliff for assistance in the testing phase of this project.

Toodle pip,
Wordshore

posted by Wordshore to MetaFilter-Related at 9:48 AM (87 comments total)

Regrettably, after an anonymous submission, there is the requirement to add a seventh rule:

7. Nothing that starts with "Siri...", "Alexa..." or similar.
posted by Wordshore at 10:15 AM on September 13, 2018 [15 favorites]

It may run afoul of the proscription against overly long texts, but I would greatly appreciate a spoken rendition of the story of Philip the Vicar.
posted by jedicus at 10:17 AM on September 13, 2018 [14 favorites]

I am from the next village - Wickhamford - the Murcot Turn/Childswickham/Broadway side. Familiar with Bret, of Fleece Inn, asparagus and cricketing fame :-)
posted by Wordshore at 10:21 AM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

And my mom said I'd never grow up to inspire anyone.
posted by bondcliff at 10:35 AM on September 13, 2018 [14 favorites]

"I was in the Round of Gras (not a typo) just the other week! Started off in the Fleece but it was full of hooray henrys so went down the road."

I think I found the words I want.
posted by maurice at 11:35 AM on September 13, 2018 [29 favorites]

If you could read the following poem, I'd appreciate it!

The pleasure of Shawn's company
Is what I most enjoy.
He put a tack on Ms. Yancey's chair
When she called him a horrible boy.
At the end of the month he was flinging two kittens
Across the width of the room.
I count on his schemes to show me a way now
Of getting away from my gloom.

posted by the man of twists and turns at 11:56 AM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

However much of this cheese comment you'd be willing to read out loud or retell would be amazing.
posted by Margalo Epps at 12:03 PM on September 13, 2018 [15 favorites]

For the love of Cthulhu, MeFites. If your desire is "I want to smear guacamole all over [name of a different MeFite] and then [redacted]" then fine, but that very obviously falls foul of the rule of weird and will not be read out by myself.

Henceforth, further emailed suggestions which clearly break the rules will just be deleted and/or ignored. Five suggestions so far which will be verbalised; happy to take many more. Preferably short e.g. if you require a phone answering machine message.
posted by Wordshore at 12:06 PM on September 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

"Ms. Russell is unable to answer her mobile phone. Do leave a message after the tone. Thank you."

Thank you!
posted by kimberussell at 12:14 PM on September 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

I have good friends in Bretforton.

As do I!

I'm actually from further upstream, the other side of Stratford.
posted by Helga-woo at 12:20 PM on September 13, 2018

If it counts, but it probably doesn't, but I'll type and be damned, I worked in Pershore for two of the happiest years of my career to date.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 12:51 PM on September 13, 2018

"Bob's your uncle"

"Please pass the Grey Poupon"

"I am neither Cain nor Able to answer my phone. Leave a message if you wish. Thank you."
posted by AugustWest at 1:07 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I suppose "all power to the soviets" fails under the politics test?
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 1:09 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Taco" has one of my favorite British pronunciations.
posted by rhizome at 1:12 PM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

I, too, visited Worcs for work, probably a couple months worth over 18mos. Loved it.
posted by rhizome at 1:17 PM on September 13, 2018

I think you should just read out MeFi user names.
posted by chavenet at 1:18 PM on September 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

I would like the following to be spoken:

G-Man: “Rise and shine, Mister Freeman, rise and … shine. Not that I wish … to imply that you have been sleeping on … the job. No one is more deserving of a rest, and all the effort in the world would have gone to waste until … well … let's just say your hour has come again. The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference … in the world. So, wake up, Mister Freeman. Wake up and … smell the ashes.” ~ Half Life 2

Please and thank you.
posted by Fizz at 1:40 PM on September 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

Given the deep and wide variety of dialects across the isle of Great Britain, I feel optimistic that some of the following totally common and innocent expressions would take on a new and joyous life when uttered by Mr Wordshore:

Catch these men
Japan US relations
Famous horsemen
An album cover
The pen is mightier
posted by Huffy Puffy at 2:04 PM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

"This isn't America, we'll catch you slipping up."
posted by Riki tiki at 2:09 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

(if that's too political I understand, but will be sad that it's too political and will hope for an exception)
posted by Riki tiki at 2:17 PM on September 13, 2018

Wordshore has now recorded my voicemail message for which I am grateful.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 3:26 PM on September 13, 2018 [11 favorites]

The boy buoyed the buoy.

Please and thank you.
posted by slipthought at 3:34 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I think you should just read out MeFi user names.

Seconded.
posted by paper chromatographologist at 3:39 PM on September 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

My most satisfying phrase to say is "trash receptacle."
posted by coppermoss at 3:39 PM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

One a personal history derail, rather long ago I taped a short sentence that was supposed to have each unique english phoneme on an old reel to reel tape recorder, then promptly went on vacation hitching down the coast. Forgetting to tell anyone. My sister cajoled her way into my apartment and family were deeply confused at the (non) meaning.

Do take care how these are kept.
posted by sammyo at 4:04 PM on September 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

"I want to smear guacamole all over WordShore." That's it.
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:29 PM on September 13, 2018

"I ate my vitamins in the privacy of my aluminum garage on schedule."
posted by paper chromatographologist at 4:33 PM on September 13, 2018 [29 favorites]

"I ate my vitamins in the privacy of my aluminum garage on schedule."

I will undertake several, including that one, though the spelling and pronounciation will of course be slightly corrected.
posted by Wordshore at 4:43 PM on September 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

"Tea, cake, sandwiches, more tea, more cake, more tea, nookie: England."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:25 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

Would you please read the poem “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver?
posted by ocherdraco at 5:56 PM on September 13, 2018

Would you please read the poem “Wild Geese” by Mary Oliver?

Sorry, declining that one. I'm familiar with the poem. Declining not so much because it is long - more than a few sentences and I lose focus and concentration - but more because it personally feels/chimes slightly not-quite-right and intrusive to recite what Mary Oliver wrote and also recited there. As well as feeling that I can't do it justice, or recite in the manner the author possibly intends.

(but, thank you for the politely worded request)
posted by Wordshore at 6:15 PM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

Mefi Music request: Wordshore Reading Posts, the Remix (feat. Wordshore)
posted by q*ben at 6:24 PM on September 13, 2018

Would you be so kind as to please read Arthur Conan Doyle’s “A Parable”? I would submit that it falls into the category of “reasonably short poem.”

About cheese.

Please?

A Parable

The cheese-mites asked how the cheese got there,
And warmly debated the matter;
The Orthodox said that it came from the air,
And the Heretics said from the platter.
They argued it long and they argued it strong,
And I hear they are arguing now;
But of all the choice spirits who lived in the cheese,
Not one of them thought of a cow.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:54 PM on September 13, 2018 [12 favorites]

Could you please:

Thank you for calling. I am unable to take your call, but please do not leave a message as my audio-processing disorder means I won't listen to it. How about we stick to email and texts, there's a good chap/lass.*

Please feel free to substitute some regional non-gendered cheery compliment for the last line.
posted by b33j at 7:16 PM on September 13, 2018 [5 favorites]

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, sir.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:23 PM on September 13, 2018 [11 favorites]

Greetings! Please leave a message that is not dapocaginous. If you really want to contact me, send me an email since I never listen to my voicemails. If you don't know my email address, I probably don't want to hear from you anyway heh heh heh heh.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 9:52 PM on September 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

So as Also An English Person, a weird reaction I had to this thread seems to be that there's something about the hyperperformance of a certain kind of Englishness for the approval of an audience (I would guess mainly from the USA? I am genuinely interested! Let me know!) that makes me somewhat tense and uncomfortable. The reasons for this are pretty much opaque to me, so I guess I'll just go and try to unpack that for a bit.

Full acknowledgement that this isn't a terrible thing at all, I'm not trying to piss in anyone's chips, and that Previously Empire Having Bastards ie The English are not and should never be any sort of protected class, its just... something I need to figure out, I suppose.
posted by ominous_paws at 11:13 PM on September 13, 2018 [11 favorites]

(if OP is in fact an American gleefully slaughtering British pronunciation I'll gladly accept how stupid I now look as this'd be one of the funniest things I'd ever seen online)
posted by ominous_paws at 11:14 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

dapocaginous

No requests here, just wanted to say thanks for introducing me to this excellent new-to-me word.
posted by mstokes650 at 11:15 PM on September 13, 2018 [8 favorites]

(if OP is in fact an American gleefully slaughtering British pronunciation I'll gladly accept how stupid I now look as this'd be one of the funniest things I'd ever seen online)

That would be a most ridiculous scenario.

38 comments before someone bean-plated the post. I win ten bucks! Pay up by paypal later today; you know who you are.
posted by Wordshore at 2:43 AM on September 14, 2018 [9 favorites]

Wordshore has recorded my message, and it is DELIGHTFUL. Thank you, Wordshore!
posted by Nancy_LockIsLit_Palmer at 2:50 AM on September 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

Would you.. could you..?

"Lots to decorate the room. The Christmas tree is filled with flowers. I swear its Christmas Eve. I hope thats what you say. The best Christmas present in the world is a blessing. I've always been there for the rest of our lives. A hundred and a half hour ago. I m glad to meet you. I can hear the music coming from the hall. A fairy tale. A Christmas tree. There are lots and lots and lots of flowers."
posted by fritillary at 3:06 AM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, sir.

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, madam.
posted by headnsouth at 6:22 AM on September 14, 2018 [4 favorites]

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, sir.

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, madam.

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, guv.
posted by wenestvedt at 7:12 AM on September 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

Hey, just for the sake of fairness, can we get someone from Texas, and another from Maine, to record audio for Wordshore?
posted by wenestvedt at 7:13 AM on September 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

If you please, read the first word of each comment in this thread, starting as indicated.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 7:20 AM on September 14, 2018 [4 favorites]

Hey, just for the sake of fairness, can we get someone from Texas, and another from Maine, to record audio for Wordshore?

I'm from fuckin' Massachusetts and you fuckin' bettah believe I would fuckin' record a wicked awesome fuckin answering machine message for that fuckin' guy.

"Hey ya fuckin asshole, I can't pick up the fuckin' phone 'cause Bruce Shwegglah sez there's a wicked nor'easta comin' and I gotta get to Dunkin's and the packie befoah it gets heah."
posted by bondcliff at 7:59 AM on September 14, 2018 [24 favorites]

Mist comin' in like somethin' is brewin' and 'bout to begin. Can't put me finger on whot lies in sto', but I fea' what's to 'eppen all 'eppened befo'.

(If only so we yanks know what it's supposed to sound like.)
posted by headnsouth at 8:10 AM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Cat-Scan.com is one of the strangest sites I've seen in some time. I have no idea how these people got their cats wedged into their scanners, or why."
posted by Lyn Never at 8:15 AM on September 14, 2018 [5 favorites]

bondcliff: ...Bruce Shwegglah sez there's a wicked nor'easta comin' and I gotta get to Dunkin's and the packie befoah it gets heah."

Dyin' ova heah.
posted by wenestvedt at 8:35 AM on September 14, 2018 [4 favorites]

Yep, bondcliff got the local dialect bang-on. I can kinda fake it, but what I actually speak (according to a labmate a decade back) isn't Bostonian English, it's New England Nerd.
posted by Making You Bored For Science at 8:42 AM on September 14, 2018 [3 favorites]

OK, I think I’ve found the definitive New England text, which would also be a fun adventure for Wordshore:

Jay! Jay! Jay! Repeat as much of this video as you can. Note: contains about 85% profanity. (“a baby fuckin’ wheel, dude!”)
posted by Huffy Puffy at 8:52 AM on September 14, 2018 [5 favorites]

"I think that anything covering nipples and arse is fine." (a best answer from threetwentytwo).
posted by Margalo Epps at 9:55 AM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

OMG, I just got my recordings from Wordshore.

*swoon*

Best ringtone ever! I just may stop silencing my phone EVER. :7)
posted by wenestvedt at 11:15 AM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Messalina- Messalina-let me go...Britannicus has brother thats outrageous, just see, just see, just seeeeeee..."

Can you also do the guitar part?
posted by clavdivs at 11:33 AM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

"I saw something nasty in the woodshed" please!
posted by HotToddy at 11:42 AM on September 14, 2018 [6 favorites]

[...] it personally feels/chimes slightly not-quite-right and intrusive to recite what Mary Oliver wrote and also recited there. As well as feeling that I can't do it justice, or recite in the manner the author possibly intends.

I won't speak for Oliver, but many poets would be flattered to have others read their work aloud. I also wouldn't worry about author intention. If you find different meaning in the words, most poets would encourage that as well. I'm not trying to talk you into it, or minimizing your concerns, but poetry is meant to be engaged with (obviously though this doesn't mean you have to be the one to do it).
posted by cjorgensen at 12:15 PM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

I sound hella california so if like anyone wants me to record a message I could like do that for you?
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 12:46 PM on September 14, 2018 [7 favorites]

I’m not trying to piss in anyone’s chips.

(For a ringtone. Thank you, ominous_paws!)
posted by Bella Donna at 1:29 PM on September 14, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Please wrap carefully. Do not use jiffy bags."

(these are nonsense limericks by a friend of mine)
"A telephone repairman named Bob
Was killed while out on a job.
Said his wife to the cops,
'Search all of the shops.
For pens, pencils, buttons and knobs!'"

"There once was man from New York
I do not like to eat pork.
Grand Coulee dam
South Vietnam
Babies delivered by stork."
posted by plinth at 2:29 PM on September 14, 2018

plinth, were those written via the limerick game, where you write the next line knowing only the word you need to rhyme with?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:17 PM on September 14, 2018

Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, sir?
Well that depends, who's asking?
Oh well sure. Sir, I'm Alexander Hamilton, I'm at your service, sir
I'm getting nervous.
posted by bleep at 7:20 PM on September 14, 2018

I would also accept
"I'ma get a scholarship to King's College
I probly shouldn't brag but dang I amaze and astonish"

Please substitute appropriate apostrophes & slang.
posted by bleep at 7:21 PM on September 14, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'd take a copy of the "Telephone for you, sir" recording. Please and thank you.
posted by briank at 7:23 AM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

* just realized I screwed up BOTH quotes
posted by bleep at 8:47 AM on September 15, 2018

I don't get it. Why?
posted by Stewriffic at 1:52 PM on September 15, 2018

I assume just for fun, for people who think it would be fun. As far as I know, there isn't any big backstory here or anything.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 2:23 PM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

The sound clip was perfect! Now to get it on my phone somehow..

By the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY WORDSHORE! May you have all the cake and cheese you imagined, and thank you for brightening our community!
posted by kimberussell at 4:35 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]

If wordshore, or someone else, teaches me an easy and tolerable way to do this I'll double the pleasure and do the same thing but with a deep Southern US accent.

Specifically southern Alabama with a dash of B'ham, AL (it's different, hard to say how) a smaller dash of creole influence/vocabulary and a tempering of a decade or so of living with my Kentucky non-accent having wife.

Same rules, expect turnaround time to range from very fast to "uh maybe I should remind Roland to do my thing he said he'd do".

citation: Roll Tide! As we're destroying Ole Miss a bazillion points to 7!
posted by RolandOfEld at 6:46 PM on September 15, 2018 [4 favorites]

OMG! what an opportunity! If you could please record the following for use as a ringtone. I am looking for a "so tired of you", Stephen Fry-ish feel to it.

Stephen...
Stephen...
Pick up the phone Stephen...
it's ringing...
Pay attention Stephen...
Stephen...

("Stephen" pronounced "Steven")

and anything else you get inspired to say that fits in with the above.

Thank you so much in advance!!
posted by alchemist at 10:25 PM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

"Tea, cake, sandwiches, more tea, more cake, more tea, nookie: England."

@RolandOfEld, how about this:

"Sweet tea, barbecue, grits, more sweet tea, more barbecue, more sweet tea, nookie: Alabama."
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:09 PM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Regrettably, after an anonymous submission, there is the requirement to add a seventh rule:

We've all been there.
posted by bongo_x at 11:52 PM on September 15, 2018

*clears throat* Telephone call for you, sir.
posted by wenestvedt at 10:23 PM on September 13
I would love a copy just like this, except ending it with Mr. Xxxxxxxxx instead of sir.
Like this "*clears throat* Telephone call for you, Mr. Xxxxxxxxx."
(I'm going to send MeFi email with my last name.)

I'm *dying* to get this, it would be so. great. to have my phone ringer "On" in a meeting, and stand up self-importantly and walk hurriedly out of the room.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:59 PM on September 15, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh Wordshore! It’s perfect. Thank you.
posted by lemon_icing at 3:36 AM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

I feel that this sort of request is exactly what the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest was designed for...

"Cassie smiled as she clenched John's hand on the edge of an abandoned pier while the sun set gracefully over the water, and as the final rays of light disappeared into a star-filled sky she knew that there was only one thing left to do to finish off this wonderful evening, which was to throw his severed appendage into the ocean's depths so it could never be found again--and maybe get some custard after."

2018 grand? prize winner
posted by Nanukthedog at 5:31 AM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

Focusing on short, less than 20 second requests - phone messages are ideal - at the moment. I've done 40+ of them over the last few days, my voice is getting a little croaky and I need to speak for work.

Longer ones may or may not be done later on, but as a rule of thumb, the shorter the better (and more likely to be done). By short I mean measurable in seconds, not minutes or hours.

In response to a few emails: not reading bedtime stories for your children (that is super-weird), and not reading a large chunk of the Silmarillion (c'mon, be realistic). To repeat the text just below the fold, which famously no-one reads :) ...

1. Nothing long.

Toodle pip,
@Wordshore
posted by Wordshore at 5:54 AM on September 16, 2018 [9 favorites]

Sweet tea, barbecue, grits, more sweet tea, more barbecue, more sweet tea, nookie: Alabama

Are you sure you meant 'nookie' or did that autocorrect Sookie?
posted by RolandOfEld at 2:47 PM on September 16, 2018 [1 favorite]

2. No politics. You may desire, for your personal needs, a recording of e.g. "Fuck that orange shitgibbon" spoken in the Queen's accent, but you will need to make enquiries elsewhere.

I will sub in for that one, if anyone so desires. Gladly.
posted by Brockles at 8:06 PM on September 16, 2018 [9 favorites]

Wow Brockles, I didn't think I could love you more.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:10 PM on September 16, 2018

By "the Queen's accent" you mean like Dan Aykroyd as Julia Child, right?
posted by rhizome at 8:30 PM on September 16, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm so excited about the prospect that I can't think of a specific thing. So I'll just listen to everyone else's. Will it be one long podcast kinda thing here?
posted by 80 Cats in a Dog Suit at 4:16 AM on September 17, 2018

I just got strep (again) so gimme a bit before I record anything.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:47 AM on September 17, 2018

I am not going to ask for other people with varied accents to send me mp3s of themselves saying “All power to the soviets!” and then put them together into one mp3 that appears to be a worldwide call for communist revolution, thereby nefariously turning wordshore’s innocent recording into part of a piece of neo-Bolshevik propaganda.

but I’m going to think about it.
posted by Reclusive Novelist Thomas Pynchon at 6:02 PM on September 18, 2018 [4 favorites]

I now have the world's best ringtone!
posted by rhizome at 8:58 PM on September 18, 2018 [1 favorite]

Thank you, Wordshore! Your methodical "trash receptacle" (thrice, even!) brought a grin to my face.
posted by coppermoss at 5:12 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]

*polite cough*
posted by Wordshore at 8:11 AM on September 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

After a late flurry of requests, I've recorded and added another eleven clips to the "As requested via MeFi mail" playlist, and another five to the "Classic MetaFilter" playlist.
posted by Wordshore at 3:36 PM on September 29, 2018 [2 favorites]