139: The Joke Show

April 3, 2018 11:57 AM

Happy Basically-Nobody's-Life-Got-Ruined-This-Year-By-April-Fools, everybody! It's the latest podcast ep, with me and jessamyn talking about MeFi as usual and also telling each other some jokes, along with a nice crop of call-in/mail-in/write-in jokes from your fellow MetaFilter members! This'n was recorded Monday April 2 and all told runs about an hour and a half.

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Helpful Links

Podcast Feed
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Direct mp3 download

Misc
- the number so fine they named it 139
- the man who was not John F. Williamson
- cortex really enjoyed underwater exploration/survival game Subnautica
- jessamyn was tweeting about historical submarine photography
- also old-ass elevators
- this year's April Fools goof: lofi MetaFilter Reader interface

Projects
- Sprinkles: a javascript repeating pattern creator by smasuch
- This Is A Boring Shark Attack: 8 Rules for Fascinating Storytelling by chinese_fashion (MeFi Post)
- I Will Dance Among The Stars by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey

Jobs
- Seeking a couple or two, to marry in Massachusetts by cocoagirl
- Preservation and Digital Archivist, Villanova University, Villanova PA by mfoight
- Cat sitting in Jackson Heights, Queens by holborne

MetaFilter
- "I think I'm just hitting my prime." by Punkey
- “Fortnite is eating PUBG's lunch,” by Fizz
- "List of elevators that have not been filmed..." by jessamyn
- "It’s just numbers on a piece of paper.” by the man of twists and turns
- Classic Mario music but... cHAngED by JHarris
- You sunk my by maggieb

Ask MeFi
- Meeting new people - why do they not ask questions about me? by TrinsicWS
- I have a domain name. Where can I host a PLAIN WEBSITE by AFABulous
- Have to find a forever home for erotica. by Mutant Lobsters from Riverhead (and Merinda's comment)
- The most important question I've ever asked by shapes that haunt the dusk
- If you give a professional singer an amateur choir.... by MonkeyToes
- Looking for old comedy routine about how the moa bird went extinct by CopRock
- Help us think of a name for our club by twilightlost
- Did you skip a grade in elementary school? Did it ruin/save your life? by missrachael

MetaTalk
- Bringing back gopher was just the start. by cortex
- It's Madness, I tell you by joycehealy
- a.k.a. Egg, Inc. by phunniemee
- Love Nikki? ME TOO! by Eyebrows McGee
- Taking Care of a Fruit Tree: Moderation on Metafilter by katta
- Mefi Card Club! by Fig
- Fig is awesome by lazuli

Music
I got busy and forgot this month, so just go over to Music and listen to some dang stuff! Theme music this month was the Tetris goofiness I made for the April Fools thing.

FanFare
Is also a thing! Go read/talk about some stuff!

DateFilter
Will never exist, stop asking for it, god what a nightmare that would be.

posted by cortex (staff) to MeFi Podcast at 11:57 AM (37 comments total)

Thanks again to everybody who called in or emailed in with joke material; I ended up using most of it and liking all of it. If yours didn't make the cut it was either an especially notable audio quality problem or me giving it a genial and bawdy "we proooooobably shouldn't..." just to be over-cautious, but I'm really pleased that nobody sent in anything gross or like "what were they thinking" so no worries in any case. This whole joke call-in thing was fun and I'd like to do it again some time, ideally during a less busy month when I'll be able to open the gates sooner and fire off a few reminders.
posted by cortex (staff) at 12:02 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm going to have that acapella humming in my brain for the rest of my work shift.
posted by Fizz at 12:19 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

Also, Jessamyn, I made a post about Subnautica and other underwater video games (because of course I did) check it out if you're interested.
posted by Fizz at 12:27 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

Also, Secretariat did some transcribing so all the jokes/calls would be available more or less immediately in written form, so for the reading-inclined here you go! These are straight transcripts, in the order they appear in the podcast itself. Which, if you're in a hurry to get to jokes, you can find the call-ins in two sections, starting at about 26 minutes and at 63 minutes.

Heyy. It’s jazon. Here’s my joke!
A buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything!” The guy hands the monk his hot dog, and says “that’ll be two bucks.” The monk hands over a ten, which the guy takes, sticks in his apron, and turns to the next customer. “Hey!!” says the monk. “Where’s my change?” “Ahhh,” says the hot dog vendor. “You of all people should know. Change comes from within.”
See ya!


Hi, this is duffel, and, you know what a Freudian Slip is? That’s when you say one thing and you mean your mother. Dohhhhhh….. Sorry.


Three logicians walk into a bar. They sit at the bar, bartender says, you all three gonna order something? First logician says, I dunno. Second logician says, I dunno. Third logician says, yes.


Helloo! This is the underpants monster, speaking to you from an undisclosed location somewhere in my bedroom. I have a riddle for you.
Q: What’s brown, and sticky?
A: The answer is, a stick!
Happy April Fools Day.


What kind of cheese do you need when you want to hide a horse?
Mascapone!
All credit to DJ bus replacement service.


Hi. I’m Seamus. I’m Bondcliff’s kid. I’m on the MetaFilter “about” page looking ADORABLE and wearing a Death Star costume. One time my dad asked a MetaFilter question about sending me to preschool. But now I can say words like SHIT and FUCK in front of my dad ‘cause I’m all grown up now. I have a mustache and I’ll be driving next time this year. Yeah. Time keeps marching on and on, bringing us all one step closer to death. There’s your damn joke!


Hey, it’s jazon again. You know why ducks have flat feet? Well, it’s to stamp out forest fires! Hey, you know why *elephants* have flat feet? Well, that’s to stamp out burning ducks.


Hi guys, it’s Eyebrows and Micro McGee! Hey Micro McGee, do you know how I can stop this Canadian Bacon from curling in my pan?
Micro: Yep!! Take away its teeny eeny little itty bitty tiny little ol’ broom.
Eyebrows and Micro: Ha ha ha ha.


Hi! This is coppermoss. So, the chicken and the egg were basking in the afterglow of some rather amorous activities, and the egg looks sort of down in the mouth. And the chicken says, “Hey Egg, what’s wrong?” And the egg goes, “Huh, guess we answered *that question*.”


This is nine, two, two, two, five, seven, zero, three, three, cee, four, ayy, zero, eff, three, cee, ee, cee, dee, bee, dee, eight, one, nine, ayy, four, six, dee, six, two, six, nine, nine, nine, dee, one, ayy, eff, four, ayy. That’s the joke!


Hi! This is liesl. You want to hear a long joke? JJOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKE
Q: What’s a Hawaiian’s favorite holiday?
A: Hula-ween!
Q: What do you call a petite fortune teller who’s escaped from jail?
A: A small medium at large.
Q: Why have you never seen a hippo hiding in a tree?
A: Because they’re *really* good at it.
Bye!


Hey, it’s jazon again. I was wondering- do you know how to catch a unique rabbit? Well, you nique up on it! Do you know how they catch a tame rabbit? Eh, the tame way.


Hi, MetaFilter. Um, this is Bondcliff. Uh, this is kind of awkward, but- has anyone heard from my kid?


Hey, it's Fizz. Just thought I'd call in and as I promised in one of the MetaTalk threads I would go full dad jokes. So here we go.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the p is silent.
I used to work for a soft drink can crusher. It was soda pressing.
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
I've just written a song about a tortilla. Well, it's more of a wrap, really.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts.
Want to hear a joke about construction? Never mind, I'm still working on it.
Steak puns! They're a rare medium well done.
I ate a clock yesterday. It was so time-consuming!
Why did the clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little hoarse.
I said to the doctor, can you give me something for my liver? He gave me a pound of onions.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?
I have the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Well, I think that's enough terrible dad jokes, so, uh, this is Fizz wishing everyone an April Fools, and, uh, I'll continue to post about video games. That's probably never gonna change. Have a good one, bye.


This is not_on_display. I have a riddle for you!
Q. Why did the chicken walk down the middle of the road?
A. To get to the other end!
Thank you.


Hi MetaFilter, this is mostly vowels, I am calling with my favorite dad/five-year-old joke of all time!
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bay gulls.
Ha ha ha ha. Hope you guys are doing well. Thanks for the podcast. Love everything you do. Bye.


ignignokt: Ok, you want to tell your joke?
Kid: Butt!
ignignokt: Ok, but you’ve got to do a *whole* joke!
(pause)
Ignignokt: Do you want to do a knock-knock style joke?
Kid: Uh, nope. Not yet.
Ignignokt: Okay… All right… One more try. Are you sure? One more try.
Kid: Yeah!
Ignignokt: Ok. I thought your joke was good, though.
(pause)
Ignignokt: You don’t want to do it? …ok. Bye bye. This has been… ignignokt. (laughing)


Hi MetaFilter, this is weeping angel.
Q: What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A: The bull has the horns in the *front*, and the ass in the *back*.
Have a great day!


Ok, so it’s Bernie’s 92nd birthday and he decides that the time is good for him to go around the nursing home and get some congratulations for that. So he heads down the hallway and he comes up to Mrs. Abramowitz and he says “Mrs. Abramowitz. Guess how old I am today.” And she says “Ah, I don’t know, Bernie. You’re 87?” He says “I’m 92!” She says “Congratulations!” He moves on. He comes up to Mrs. Schwartz. He says “Mrs. Schwartz. Guess how old I am today.” And Mrs. Schwartz thinks about it, she says “Ah… uh… Bernie, I don’t know. Are ya 90?” He says “I’m 92!” So, she’s impressed, she says “Happy Birthday”, he moves on. He goes up to Mrs. Nussbaum. He says “Mrs. Nussbaum. Guess how old I am today.” And she says “Unzip your pants.” He says “What??” She says “Your fly. Unzip it.” So, he does! She reaches her hand in, she wiggles it around a bit, she moves things a little bit, she wiggles, she looks him right in the eye, she says “You’re 92.” He says “That’s- that’s amazing! How did you know?” She says “I heard you telling Mrs. Schwartz!”
Have a great day! This is Mchelly.


Hi! This is mightshould. Did you know that alligators can grow up to 15 feet? Most have only 4.
Ok, that was it. Thanks, bye.


Hi, this is Twicketface, and here’s my joke. You know, I used to worry that my son was spoiled. But- then I realized, all kids smell that way.


Well, a wiser feller than myself once walked into a bar, and, much obliged, well, the bar ate him.


Hey, this is ChuraChura, and I wanted to share my favorite joke. I hope it’s not too late to make it into the podcast.
Q. So, what does a snail riding on a turtle’s back say?
A. WHEEEE!
And to make it particularly entertaining, you have to picture that the snail is wearing, like, aviator goggles over his face, and his eyestalks are blowing back in the breeze. And he’s also got a scarf blowing in the wind, as well. Alright! Thanks!


Eyebrows McGee: Hey, Mini McGee, what did the right eye say to the left eye?
Mini McGee: Between us… something smells!


Hi, this is Stanczyk and I have a couple jokes for you.
Q: What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A. A synonym roll!
Baby boomers like to blame millennials for everything, but who put the carpet over these hardwood floors, Brenda?!
Q: What did the left ass cheek say to the right ass cheek?
A: If we stick together, I bet we could end all this shit.
Thanks!


Hello, this is Juso No Thankyou, and my terrible joke. I’m really sorry about this one.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell, rolling in the deep!
Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.


Hi! This is bjgeiger, and I have a small joke for you.
Q. Do you know the difference between a he-Hershey and a she-Hershey?
A. he-Hersheys have nuts! Thank you, thank you, thank you.


City man finds himself out in the country one morning, decides to take a little walk. And as he’s going along, he comes up across a field, farmer’s standing in the lane beside the field, and a white cow, and a black cow, standing around near the farmer grazing. As he comes up past him, he thinks, well, better make some conversation so he says “Oh, Farmer. How’re you doing today?”
“Oh, I’m fine”
“And how about your cows,” he says
“Oh, the black cow’s so good today, she’s just absolutely fine.”
He says, “Well, what about the white cow?”
“Eh, well, the white cow’s fine too.”
And they’re both just sort of standing there, looking at each other, not really sure, the city man tries to make some conversation. He says, “Are your cows healthy? Your two cows there?”
He says “Oh, the black cow’s so good! Always a perfect vet record, really really good, the black cow is.”
“And what about the white cow?”
He says “Ehh, the white cow’s pretty healthy too.”
“And… do your cows give a lot of milk?”
He says “Ooh, you should see the black cow around milking time, always full of milk, bucket and a half out of her every time!”
“And what about the white cow?”
“Well… she gives a lot of milk too.”
And you can see the city man, and I’m sure you as well, starting to see something a little odd in the situation. And the city guy asks “I don’t mean to be too personal, there, Mr. Farmer, but seems like you’re always favoring the black cow. What’s up with that?”
He says, “Well, the black cow’s mine! My cow, the black cow is!!”
“Oh, well then what about the white cow?”
“Ehh… the white cow is mine too.”

posted by cortex (staff) at 12:27 PM on April 3, 2018 [16 favorites]

Also, dammit, h00py sent in a good knock knock joke that I think didn't end up in the podcast just because I goofed with file transfer stuff when Garageband was mangling input files.
posted by cortex (staff) at 1:25 PM on April 3, 2018

god dammit i forgot to send in a joke.
posted by rhizome at 1:36 PM on April 3, 2018

The "Long space" joke finally broke me.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:07 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

One time my dad asked a MetaFilter question about sending me to preschool. But now I can say words like SHIT and FUCK in front of my dad ‘cause I’m all grown up now. I have a mustache and I’ll be driving next time this year. Yeah. Time keeps marching on and on, bringing us all one step closer to death. There’s your damn joke!

...this one hits home, man.
posted by corb at 3:24 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Wait, is the black/white cow joke just what it appears to be?
posted by rhizome at 4:23 PM on April 3, 2018

Metafilter: you were super normal, and then something happened.
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 5:50 PM on April 3, 2018

Wait, is the black/white cow joke just what it appears to be?

I've been asking myself that question since yesterday.
posted by jessamyn (retired) at 5:52 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

Wait, is the black/white cow joke just what it appears to be?

I think so? It made me laugh with its absurdity.
posted by Secretariat at 6:13 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

coppermoss's chicken-and-egg joke is the first dirty joke my very proper mother ever told me, and so I hold it in great affection.

I have a whole bunch of friends from college who are sportswriters for major national publications and when I tell them that I'm sportsiest person at my current workplace they laugh in disbelief because I'm basically the least sports-literate person they know, but I'm just going to play them that clip of Josh talking about the NCAAs.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 8:35 PM on April 3, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm choking on the Canadian bacon curling joke. If I asphyxiate, it's their fault.
posted by yhbc at 8:48 PM on April 3, 2018 [2 favorites]

...but I'm really pleased that nobody sent in anything gross or like "what were they thinking" so...

Which confirms that my decision NOT to share my best (but truly grotesque) "Never Found the Head" joke was the correct decision. Dammit.
posted by ninazer0 at 10:10 PM on April 3, 2018

Wait, is the black/white cow joke just what it appears to be?

I think so? It made me laugh with its absurdity.

The punchline is "Hey, WTF, isn't there supposed to be a punchline? What that's it? Oy well yeah I guess that is actually a punchline."

The jokes that make me laugh the most are the ones that attack the parameters of what a joke is supposed to be. I'm just that sophisticated, y'all!
posted by Meatbomb at 12:20 AM on April 4, 2018

It feels British to me.
posted by rhizome at 1:57 AM on April 4, 2018

Here is my famous joke.
posted by h00py at 5:19 AM on April 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

Q. Do you know the difference between a he-Hershey and a she-Hershey?
A. he-Hersheys have nuts!

I'm a little surprised this one got the nod.
posted by zamboni at 5:19 AM on April 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

My son was right, it is kind of sad.
posted by Stanczyk at 5:36 AM on April 4, 2018

A. he-Herhsheys have nuts!

MiFi, the Lenny Bruce of sedate liberal text only discussion web sites.
posted by sammyo at 6:39 AM on April 4, 2018 [3 favorites]

ignignokt: Ok, you want to tell your joke?
Kid: Butt!
ignignokt: Ok, but you’ve got to do a *whole* joke!
(pause)

You can almost hear the gears whirring in the kid's brain: "Butt" IS a joke! What more do you need?!
posted by EndsOfInvention at 8:43 AM on April 4, 2018 [5 favorites]

The curling joke is an excellent one, but for some reason, the transcription of Eyebrows and Micro McGee laughing at their own joke is what really puts it over the top for me.
posted by merriment at 10:22 AM on April 4, 2018 [1 favorite]

Villanova, in addition to being the site of that Jobs posting, won the men’s March Madness basketball championship Monday night.

Notre Dame, Eyebrows’s team, won the women’s championship Sunday night.

Eyebrows won the women’s bracket challenge and finished second to torridly in the men’s bracket challenge.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 12:21 PM on April 4, 2018

That horse riffing bit at about 42 minutes was excellent podcasting. You guys need some youtube people doing animatics or something.
posted by fomhar at 11:00 PM on April 4, 2018

....TIMMING!

oh dammit i told it wrong. lemme try again...
posted by not_on_display at 10:45 PM on April 6, 2018

Oye, Cortex. She she taki taki fo da wameku.

[“Hey, Cortex. Thank you very much for the shout-out”]
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 1:09 PM on April 7, 2018 [3 favorites]

marital status update: still engaged, though we’ve been living together long enough that the government considers us married?

we have no actual wedding plans at this time aside from a steadily growing bad ideas list and a season in which we think the wedding should probably happen.
posted by heeeraldo at 7:54 PM on April 7, 2018 [3 favorites]

Thank you for that, I am utterly impossible for tracking these kind of otherwise-reasonably-trackable domestic details.
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:57 PM on April 7, 2018

also how the fuck does Steve pronounce his last name
posted by cortex (staff) at 8:58 PM on April 7, 2018 [3 favorites]

I will never reveal that, for it will give sorcerers and dark conjurers power over me

also glad you & jessamyn liked the sprinkles thing
posted by smasuch at 11:39 PM on April 7, 2018 [4 favorites]

"Please tip your waitress!"
posted by lazuli at 5:36 PM on April 8, 2018

Try the veal.
posted by rhizome at 6:32 PM on April 8, 2018 [1 favorite]

I love jokes. I love this podcast. Thank you all.
posted by quaking fajita at 7:13 PM on April 9, 2018 [1 favorite]

TYING!!

dammit...
posted by not_on_display at 5:12 PM on April 11, 2018 [2 favorites]

ahem

test one two
pff pff [feedback]


TIMING!

Thank you, I'm here all w—
posted by not_on_display at 5:49 PM on May 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

In case anyone is interested, I uploaded a new version of "Pampa", this time with music.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 11:55 AM on May 5, 2018 [1 favorite]