Metatalktails: Family Filk

September 9, 2017 5:35 PM

Good Saturday evening, MetaFilter! This week, secretariat wants to know what altered song lyrics people sing, especially to pets or kids.
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) to MetaFilter-Related at 5:35 PM (146 comments total)

Our cats are pretty tired by now of "You better run for your life if you can, little kitty..."
posted by languagehat at 5:39 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

when doing the soul train line to tsop with my late pupper peaches i would sing PUPPIES ALL OVER THE WORLD while twirling him
posted by poffin boffin at 5:55 PM on September 9, 2017 [11 favorites]

OMG, how much time do you have? My husband makes up lyrics pretty much the entire time he's awake and not working.
posted by cooker girl at 5:57 PM on September 9, 2017 [11 favorites]

My 6yo sings "Strawberry shortcake all night... Lucky for you that's what I like, that's what I like..."
posted by vignettist at 5:57 PM on September 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

I know we have several but the two that jump to mind are that during diaper changes I tend to sing, "Wave your butt in the air like you just don't care!" and to a baby-frend named Alexander, "A-L-E-X-A-N-D, E-R we are meant to be, a baby that runs independently, you want Britain to keep spittin on you endlessly? Essentially they tickle you relentlessly, then king dad turns around and runs a kissin' spree ..."
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 5:59 PM on September 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

The puppies go marching 2 by 2, hurrah, hurrah.
We love it when they pee and poo, hurrah! Hurrah!
He used to stink but now he's clean.
Hey what's his name? It's Oliver Queen!
And we all start smiling when puppies come marching home.

(My formerly somewhat-stinky puppy Ollie is now 10.)
posted by kimberussell at 6:01 PM on September 9, 2017 [10 favorites]

I've actually stopped doing this one as much but our cat Dusty used to get "Dusty in the Wind" a lot; all she was was Dusty in the wind. I sing lots of songs to Lucinda as well but she hates it.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:07 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

I am the MASTER of ad-libbed song lyrics. Our old dog Gus used to hear "Magic Gus" (Magic Bus) a lot, as well as "My name is Gus" (My Name is Mud). I once made up a song about salmon to the tune of "Jammin'" while cooking dinner. (I hope you like salmon too!)

I can't think of any off the top of my head because most of them are just supr of the moment things, never to be repeated.
posted by Brittanie at 6:09 PM on September 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

The sailors say: "Seven, you're a fine dog" (you're a fine dog)
"What a good dog you would be" (such a fine dog)
"Yeah, your kisses could steal a sailor from the sea"
posted by Room 641-A at 6:10 PM on September 9, 2017 [13 favorites]

Since getting our rabbits we've discovered the pun/wordplay flexibility of "bun" so there are lots of off the cuff songs, but the most common one is probably "here I bun to save the day!" To the tune of the Mighty Mouse theme song, and Luna specifically gets "Luna bun Luna bun ohh Luna Luna Luna" to Lollipop. Jasper doesn't really have his own song but he probably prefers it that way.
posted by brilliantine at 6:20 PM on September 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

My partner also sings "You Are My Sunshine" to me, and I guess I didn't know the lyrics beyond the chorus because he's been making them up all the time and I thought they were the real thing until I sang it at karaoke last month trying to stay on topic with eclipse-themed songs.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:24 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

Just now we came home from dinner out and I started singing, "Another Saturday night and I ain't got no monkey. I had a monkey but he ran away. Oh how I wish I had one little monkey, I'd hug him every day."

I used to sing to our cat to the tune of "Una Paloma Blanca" in this butchered Spanish:
una gata blanca (y grise)
I'm just a cat on the floor.
una gata blanca (y grise)
I'm here for you to adore.
Furry and cute
In my birthday suit.
(or) Fluffy and sweet,
you smell like feet.
posted by dywypi at 6:26 PM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

But there are so many! The easier ones:

I have a very timid white cat named Freddy Finnegan (who was formerly a white kitten, of course) and he got his own version of White Wedding:

Hey little kitten what have you done?
Hey little kitten which toy's the most fun?
Hey little kitten which has jingle bells
Hey little kitten where's the bouncy ball?
[I've never worked this part out well so it varies and I'll skip it]
It's a nice day for a white Freddy
It's a nice day for...Finnegan
It;s a nice day for a white Freddy
[bunch of other stuff]
There is nothing safe in this world
There's nothing sure in this world
There's nothing safe in this world
[back to nice day, etc]

For my older dog:

Don't you want some puppy to love?
Don't you need some puppy to love?
Wouldn't you love some puppy to love?
You better find some puppy to love.

And for my younger dog, who is somewhat deprived, gets "Crazy Little Thing Called Dog"
posted by dilettante at 6:32 PM on September 9, 2017 [9 favorites]

My new horse is pretty stocky for a thoroughbred and I could not help myself from setting his barn name Cinnamon Bun to the "one thicc bih" Ditty meme. And now I have not been able to get it out of my head for days!
posted by drlith at 6:38 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

My kids used to think the robot voices singing "We're up all night to get lucky" was "We're up all Mexican monkey."
posted by 4ster at 6:40 PM on September 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

This is not something I've ever done but just so I could contribute to the thread I just sang The Who's Pictures of Lily to my cat, Lily, but she just gave me an awkward look and walked away.
posted by bondcliff at 6:42 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

"Poopercat! Chubby lil bum is fat! Chubby lil Poopercat! We love youuuuuuu..."
posted by Kitteh at 6:49 PM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

There used to be a chipmunk that hung out at our bird feeder who had somehow had his tail amputated. This lead to:

Tail free!
There's nothing behind me
Nothing to remind me
Of the end of the end
Of me!

For our cat, Rupert, I like to dance around the kitchen holding him and singing:

Do you remember
When we met?
That's the day
I knew you were my pet
I want to tell you
How much
I love you.

But usually we just sing "Come on Aussie Come On" to him ("It's been a long time coming, To silence all that meowing"), substituting "Rupert" or "Kitty" for
"Aussie" and replacing the names of the players with people Rupert knows. We learned this song a few years ago while visiting Australia.
posted by carmicha at 6:58 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

I mentioned my horrid singing last week, so this is nothing new, but I prefer to invent my songs whole cloth. My wife haaaaaaaaaaates it because I am obviously terrible at both singing and songwriting, but I find it hilarious. Unfortunately my oldest daughter (five and a half now) is getting old enough to realize what I am doing so she is starting to side with mom. Fortunately the two littler kids are too young to know better and eat it up.

Incidentally, I never listen to music and this is probably a big reason that I don't do lyric substitution, and also likely doesn't help when I am creating my new works of art.
posted by Literaryhero at 7:00 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

So far I haven't made up any songs for my current cat, Phoebe.
However, I did used to sing the following to my last two cats:
"Oh, Dickens, we love you.
Miss Maggie, we love you, too!
We love our cats and that's a fact.
Dickens and Miss Maggie, we love you!"
This was sung to a made-up tune with a sort of jaunty, cheerful beat. They both always seemed to enjoy it.
posted by bookmammal at 7:03 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

I used to have a jealous cat that guarded me from other cats. I always sang:

Here comes Kitty Claws, here comes Kitty Claws,
Right down Kitty Claws Lane,
Scratchin' and hatchin' Kitty Claws plots,
In her Kitty Claws brain,
If you do just what she wants,
All will be merry and bright,
But if you don't, you better watch out,
Cuz Kitty Claws ready to fight.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:04 PM on September 9, 2017 [12 favorites]

well, that is pretty legit.
posted by tivalasvegas at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2017

If you ever watch The Mothman Prophecy enhance the mood by singing the lyrics "ooooo-ooooh, it's the Mothman Prophecy" to the theme, whicg plays frequently throughout.
posted by Artw at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

On the other hand, I have a big sweet stripey boy kitteh that joins me every morning in the bathroom and to him I sing:

Caius Merlin Brittanicus,
He is the biggest catticus
Caius Merlin Brittanicus,
Cutest cat in the wooooooorrld...

to the tune of some old commercial jingle.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:17 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

My sister and I sing a song about the chicken in a biscuit crackers. It's sung to the tune of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Oh you pretty Chicken Biscuit
Chicken in a Biscuit we love you.
Oh you pretty Chicken Biscuit
Chicken in a Biscuit loves us too.
posted by ilovewinter at 7:18 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

Pretty much every morning I sing "Happy birthday to you" as "Good morning to you, good morning to you!, good morning sweet pooches" to my dog while she pushes her entire body into me as hard as she can (doggie hugs!) and licks my face.

My dog also gets "Heartbreaker" by Pat Benatar but like this:

She's a Butt Licker
Poop Maker, Food Begger
etc.

I sing an embarrassing number of songs to rocks and fossils. The Who's "Who are you?" gets song to fossils a lot, as well as Velvet Underground's "Sweet Nuthin" to certain fossils and rock formations with the lyrics adapted to their identities. And "Sugar on my Tongue" by Talking Heads gets turned into "Fossil on My Tongue" and "Sandstone on my Tongue" with appropriate lyrical adaptations.

I'm a master at pretty much adapting any song to be about peeing or tacos.
posted by barchan at 7:24 PM on September 9, 2017 [9 favorites]

And for my dearly departed angel cat Jasper I sang, to the tune of Casper the friendly ghost:

Jaspurr the friendly cat, friendliest cat I know,
He always says me-ow, he's always there to greet cha,
Wherever you may go, you'll never meets such a loving furry creature,
As Jaspurr the friendly cat!
posted by a humble nudibranch at 7:25 PM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

Just remembered that I sing this to my parents' dog--
"Sebastian! Sebastian!
The beagle with the fur on his face!"
Made-up tune--repeat as long as it's fun!
posted by bookmammal at 7:29 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

My dog gets woken up every day to a chopped and screwed "Good Morning Starshine", as follows: "Good morning Olive / the earth says hello / good morning Olive / it's time to go / outside to pee."
posted by minsies at 7:35 PM on September 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

We listen to a lot of kid music, and "Who Built the Ark?" comes up a lot. I had never heard the song before last year, and i just absentmindedly listen while my kids dance. It took a while for me to realize I was singing "Who built the ark? No one, no one," instead of Noah, Noah.
posted by gatorae at 7:42 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

My dog is named Mugsy. Just this afternoon, for the thousandth time:

I don't want no Mugs
A Mugs is a dog who can't get no hugs from me
Hangin' out the passenger side
Chewin' on rawhide
Tryin' to bark at me

He was chewing on my hand while I sang it
posted by middleclasstool at 7:44 PM on September 9, 2017 [18 favorites]

Catness, Catness Fatness, kitty of the wild frontier!

(To the tune of "Davy Crockett, King of the Wild Frontier")
posted by scratch at 7:49 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

And I invented this well before Hunger Games, thank you very much.
posted by scratch at 7:50 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I subtly alter song lyrics all the time. It's always off the cuff, so I can't think of anything offhand. I must have picked it up from my dad, who used to tell stories about subtly altering lyrics when his band would play for weddings. Changes like "why do flies follow you around, every time you're in town... why do birds fall out of the sky, every time you walk by..." He says no one ever noticed.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 7:56 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh yeah, I sing a lot of country songs to myself (I think I also picked that up from my dad), and one of the songs I love singing is "Hello Walls" (written by Willie Nelson). It starts out "hello walls/ how things go for you today/ don't you miss her/ since she upped and walked away..." and then the other verses start "hello window..." and so on. I think it's a great song, but it also fits into that great genre of goofily melodramatic country songs.

Anyway, I like to add my own verses, like "hello carpet..." and "hello catbox..."

I think it's funny, and so does my girlfriend, sometimes. We may be the only ones.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 8:11 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

This doesn't involve changing lyrics but every night before bed I play grabby hands with my pug - that's a thing I stole from poffin boffin a million years ago. I also make the dog do bike pedaling motions with his paws while I sing Bicycle Race by Queen.

If I hear Blank Space by Taylor Swift in the car I make up random stuff cause it's a stupid easy song to rhyme to. On the way to an improv workshop today I turned Mad about You by Belinda Carlisle into Glad about Poo. I like making up stupid rhyming stuff in my car.

I still sing Jackie Chan's On Me if I'm with someone who isn't aware that I actually love Abba.
posted by fluffy battle kitten at 8:13 PM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

Usually my wife and i just substitute our dog's name (or each other's pet names) for all the words in a song, but after exposure to Hamilton we came up with a bit for our dog while she was begging:
Oh, Mozilla Cattledog
She is waiting on the floor for food
She doesn't want pets
She only wants to eat your - FRIIIIIES

When she was younger we also used to find ourselves adapting "Don't You Want Me Baby" for her rather a lot - "Don't chew on me, Moe-Dog, don't chew on me, Moe-o-o-o”
posted by DingoMutt at 8:16 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I love that most of these are for pets. On the Child Mondegreens tip, I just remembered that my kids are fond of the Bruno Mars hit "Up Down Funky Wunk". Which is a vast improvement, so that's how my wife and I sing it when it comes up.

Also "Winter Wonderland" is my favorite Christmas carol because I get to sing "she pulls off her thong as we go along" and "when it snows, ain't it thrillin' / though we'll need penicillin" (and sometimes "walkin' with my wiener in my hand" but only when the kids aren't around because I did that once in front of the kids and my wife did not appreciate the reaction, but she's got no room to criticize because every Easter she sings "up from the grave he rose / with a bunch of stuff between his toes" in church).
posted by middleclasstool at 8:20 PM on September 9, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'm not much of a poet and I can't carry a tune, but . . . Daughter and I were driving home after catching a Diamondbacks game with her Girl Scouts troop. We both had to pee, desperately, but we were almost home, so to distract us, I began to make up a song starting with the tune, Take Me Out to the Ballgame (kind of):
I have to go to the bathroom
I have to go very soon
I have to go to the bathroom
Or my bladder will go kaboom

We had to stifle our giggles to keep from peeing our pants. Ten years later and we still sing this to each other when we've gotta go.
posted by kbar1 at 8:27 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I knew there was another one, it was driving me crazy.

Morning, just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, oh Seven
Well you came and you gave without shaking <-- grab paw
But I sent you away, oh Seven
And you licked me and stopped me from shaking <-- grab paw
And I need you today, oh Seven

Also, when the movie Se7en (no relation) would come on I'd make him sit next next me while I mushed him up and said, "Who's a movie? Who's a movie? You are!" I also always made him watch the end of The Usual Suspects so I could mush him up and say, "Who's Kayser Soze? Who's Kayser Soze? You are!"

RIP my little bear.

I don't think I sing to my cat. I do talk to him in my puppycat voice all the time, though.
posted by Room 641-A at 8:33 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

So years ago my local, at the time, radio station was having this discussion (actually unintentional changed lyrics) via listener call in. Someone called in for example that her mother had told her when she was a child that "Raise a Little Hell" was "Raise a Little Owl"; the knowledge of the true lyric didn't come out until a rather embarrassing teen party.

Anyways another caller contributed "Slow Walking Walter, the Fire Engine Guy" as alternative lyrics for "Smoke on the Water". And it was immortalized in song replacing all the lyrics with the saga of Slow Walking Walter. That has become the definitive lyrics for that tune in the Mitheral household.
posted by Mitheral at 8:35 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

We do this constantly with both kids and cat. Im not sure why, but the dog has mostly been spared so far. The one that keeps coming up the most recently is:
Carry on, my wayward daughter. There'll be peace when you're an otter." Sung to my 14 year old.

Her little brothers have modified it to "There'll be peace when you are slaughtered."
posted by Dojie at 8:44 PM on September 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

To the tune of God Bless America:

God bless my underwear
Pair that I love
Step inside it
And guide it
From my feet, past my knees, to my butt
From the fields
To the factory
That's when it became... Jockey
God bless my underwear
My only pair

Needless to say, I don't sing this song to kids or pets.
posted by oceano at 8:46 PM on September 9, 2017 [10 favorites]

I used to sing "What! What! In the butt!" to my kids while changing their diapers.

My cat is the subject of innumerable pop songs with lyrics altered to feature her name, as well as "Kitty, kitty, kitty, Kiiiiiitty" to the tune of Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Starting Something.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:55 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

My father does this like it's his job. (It should be, too; he's a good songwriter.) His lyrics are usually apropos of nothing and totally blue. One of the cleaner ones, to the tune of the Beatles' "Don't Bother Me" -

I got a cyst on my shoulder bigger than my feet
And I can't talk to people that I meet
posted by Countess Elena at 8:57 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Erratum: "I'll Cry Instead"
posted by Countess Elena at 9:00 PM on September 9, 2017

Speaking of making up words, I just learned recently that the lyrics of "Send in The Clowns" are not the lyrics that Krusty the Clown sings in his comeback special, and even though I should be embarassed by this, I am admitting it in hoping to save others from this.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 9:23 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

My dream comedy writing job was with a radio production company in the late '80s, which including making parody lyrics that talented singers would turn into 60-90 second bits. It was like being Weird Al for .001% the fame and income.

I was allowed to do topical/political stuff, including turning Tone Loc's "Funky Cold Medina" into "Oliver North, Funky Cold Marine" that included the lyric "I love to do / the Wild Thing to / the U.S. Constitution", and turning Manilow's "Copacabana" into "How ya copin' / Daniel Ortega / The saddest cat since Noriega" (didn't age well). But I also made Van Halen's "Jump" into "Trump! Might as well sell out to Trump!" which is now a permanent earworm.

I also got a chance to add silly lyrics to instrumental theme songs of movies and TV, my favorite being "Star Wars / Nothing but Star Wars! / Big honkin' Death Stars / Giving Reagan ideas..."

More recently I'd participate in a chat room named #bunnies and whenever I dropped in on a Saturday, I'd introduce myself with "Another Saturday Night and I ain't got no #bunnies". When forced to quit that, I switched to "Saturday Night's alright for chatting...", which also works well for Metatalktails...
posted by oneswellfoop at 9:26 PM on September 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

If you wrote the lyric "why must I be a teenager in Kuwait," congratulations, you created an ear worm. I don't know why I remember hearing that on the radio in middle school, but I do.
posted by Countess Elena at 9:29 PM on September 9, 2017

brown velvet and that little cat smile
brown velvet and that soft, puffy style
posted by thesmallmachine at 9:46 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

It's a hard knock life for cats,
It's a hard knock life for cats!
Always getting food and treats
And they're sleeping in our seats
It's a hard knock life!
(Source - It's a Hard Knock Life from Annie)

You're fuzzier than you've ever been and now you're even fuzzier
And now you're even fuzzier
And now you're even fuzzier
You're fuzzier than you've ever been and now you're even fuzzier
And now you're fuzzier still.
(Source -"Older" by They Might Be Giants)
posted by mogget at 10:03 PM on September 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

I really like the song Chinacat Sunflower by the good ole Grateful Dead. Actually I really like the transition between Chinacat and I Know You Rider (Chinacat Rider)

My ex used to tell me to stop making up words to the song. I wasn't. Never did convince her before we split. This is the song that convinced my kids that there was a lot of acid in the 60s. Here:

Look for awhile at the China Cat Sunflower
proud-walking jingle in the midnight sun
Copper-dome Bodhi drip a silver kimono
like a crazy-quilt stargown
through a dream night wind
Krazy Kat peeking through a lace bandana
like a one-eyed Cheshire
like a diamond-eye Jack
A leaf of all colors plays
a golden string fiddle
to a double-e waterfall over my back
Comic book colors on a violin river
crying Leonardo words
from out a silk trombone
I rang a silent bell
beneath a shower of pearls
in the eagle wing palace
of the Queen Chinee
posted by AugustWest at 10:43 PM on September 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

My first husband, used to sing to me:

Born in a zodiac with a big pontoon,
Flew to Texas inna hot air balloon,
Drank a lotta 'shine in the ol' saloon,
Killed a bar with a rusty spoon,
Davy, Davy Crockett, king of the wild baboons.

He also had a full recitation of Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening that began:

Whose pants these are, I think I know
His legs are in the village though,
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his pants fill up with snow.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 11:18 PM on September 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

also this is extremely important
posted by poffin boffin at 11:41 PM on September 9, 2017

They are not altered lyrics, but I have had Bread's "Make It with You" stuck in my head since 2006. Only in the mornings -- I wake up with it in my head most days, and it fades within 30 minutes of getting up, and I actually have a hard time remembering it during the day.

I share this as a cautionary tale for anyone else who might decide that Freud was right about ear worms and their meaning, because the fact that "I really think that we could make it good" was stuck in my head when I woke up with a certain person every morning apparently very much did not mean I should stay with him; it was just that my brain decided to start this while I was with him, and has continued in the five or six years afterward, which would seem to indicate I'm having some weird neurological dysfunction rather than that Bread had accurately decided my soulmate.
posted by lazuli at 11:50 PM on September 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

We've been singing The Boxer to my kids since they were born. I'm sure eventually they will ask us about the horse on Seventh Avenue.
posted by bq at 12:10 AM on September 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

My father, who did not care for the slow songs from West Side Story, was known to sing while driving around "There's a place for us... A parking space for us...".
posted by huimangm at 12:48 AM on September 10, 2017 [9 favorites]

No pets, but my family (well,Dad) had a tradition of singing the version of "we three kings of orient are" that continued "tried to smoke a rubber cigar/it was loaded, it exploded/ now we're on yonder star". Evidently there's a whole series of parodies for this one, says Wikipedia (under Lyrics, parody).

And Mr.Nat's family has a Passover song that starts with "On Top of Mt Sinai..."
posted by nat at 12:49 AM on September 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

All the single kitties
All the single kitties
All the single kitties
All the single kitties
Now put your paws up!
If you wanted it you shoulda put a paw on it
If you wanted it you shoulda put a paw on it
Also mine, also mine, also mine, also mine etc.
- Beyonce's Single ladies
posted by rawrberry at 1:03 AM on September 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

One does not have a standard line, they come and go, but on reading the comment by Eyebrows:

I know we have several but the two that jump to mind are that during diaper changes I tend to sing, "Wave your butt in the air like you just don't care!"

Yeah, variations on the first line of Word Up get uttered every now and then, especially if it's a single syllable noun e.g. "Wave your tea in the air like you don't care" when one is making a pot of the necessity of life in a particularly frivolous mood.
posted by Wordshore at 1:23 AM on September 10, 2017

It is peak village show season in rural England, and one is spoilt for choice. I'm not the judge in any this year as, after previous debacles, I'd like to reduce my list of life-long enemies and not add to it. And as I haven't grown anything except a modest beard this summer, there is the freedom and lack of stress of just being a spectator with no direct involvement.

Yesterday, one attended such a show some two hours away. This was split between the pub and the village school, which stand on opposite sides of the main - only significant- road (parents in the village apparently find this arrangement very useful). On arrival, the school part was not yet open to the public due to judging taking place inside, so I availed myself of the hospitality of the pub.

In the garden of the pub, the usual tombola was in evidence, though this one had rather select prizes. Fine wines, upmarket chocolates, food products from Marks and Spencer and Waitrose with Italian and Spanish names, those kinds of things. For this is a somewhat wealthy village; here's an average house that's currently up for sale if you fancy moving here.

In addition to the tombola, and a plant sale, there was also an old man with an owl, but you see these so often at events round here it barely registers with me. If they were quieter I'd possibly get one myself for walks and protection and things (the owl, not the old man).

The pub was unusually busy, due to a combination of the show, the usual locals, the usual random tourists and hikers, and preparations for a wedding reception. Thankfully, word spread that judging was over and we were allowed in. Over the road traipsed several hundred people, many hurrying to find out if their entry had won and they had bragging rights for the next year. I eventually got in, paid my 50p admission, and was confronted by table upon table of entries for various competitions. Many of these were categories for children, with packets of sweets for various placed entries. And it was also interesting, while in the school, to have a look at what young children are learning about nowadays. It appears they know about zombies, so there's that.

I wandered through a few more rooms of entries then went outside. In the big marquee, the adult fruit and vegetable competition was taking place. Hardcore. While some categories were perhaps rather easy to judge, others had probably taken more time and discussion. Whose tomatoes were the roundest? Whose onions were the firmest? Whose leeks were the most erect? And, of course, which vegetables were the funniest?

At the back of the marquee, an interesting selection of monstrous marrows was on display, right next to a selection of competitive cucumbers. Oh, England; that was so deliberate. I hung around the stand for a while, jotting down a few of the overheard comments. MeFite viewers of the Great British Bake Off, similar shows exhibiting British humour, and the most popular movie at the UK box office in 1969 will know exactly what is coming up next...

"Cecil's is quite firm." - "That's not what his missus said at Bridge Club."

"Imagine sitting on that by mistake!" - "Oh, I am..."

"I wish mine was that impressive." - "Well, the doctor prescribed me a little blue pill for mine."

"My God, that one must be a foot in diameter!" - "Aye; that would make your eyes water."

"Roger's is impressive." - "Aye; Roger by name, roger by marrow..."

"Do you prefer girth or length?" - "Alice, you are so naughty!"

"You'd definitely need both hands to handle that one!"

"Huh? The shortest one won first prize?" - "Look at the sides, dear; look at the sides..."

Other comments were made, less euphemistic and more biologically extreme, but as MetaFilter is a family website we'll move on.

Near the way out, I noticed the apple categories. These are always a pull for me because of my upbringing; at this time of the year as a teen I'd be either picking them or selling them on the farmshop. So it was personally pleasing to (still) be able to quickly identify every variety by sight.

Heading back I noticed I'd missed one room in the school due to the density of people inside. I entered and ... baking nirvana. Unfortunately due to the crush it was difficult to take pictures and these haven't come out great, but here is an owl, and more chocolate cakes, and more cakes still. And some more.

And on another row of tables, jams and more jams and chutneys and pickles, even. This - this was rural village show bliss.

I left, passing the wedding car and Ye Olde Tiny Village Prison, and headed for the village church. They'd done a quick turnaround with cleaning and the place was open to visitors post-ceremony. It's a lovely church inside; the graveyard I'd been to before, and in another indication of the wealth of this village, read this headstone inscription...

Walking back to the pub, it was a little quieter so I was able to have some liquid refreshment, enjoy the band some more, observe the wedding reception and catch a glimpse of the bride and groom.

And that was my afternoon at the village show.
posted by Wordshore at 1:26 AM on September 10, 2017 [14 favorites]

I have a Swedish-English ditty I sing for my cat Lola. To the tune of Blondie's "Heart of Glass": "I found a cat/And it was a gas/Jag ville klappa/Hennes vita tass/Men hon sprang till köket/Med svansen på sne/Så det blev inget/Av med det."
posted by soundofsuburbia at 2:47 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Dadada da da da da, ... feelin' poopy
posted by fleacircus at 3:03 AM on September 10, 2017

I really like the song Chinacat Sunflower by the good ole Grateful Dead.

Oh man, AugustWest, that's my favorite Dead song! When I saw your link, I thought to myself "I hope that's the Europe 72 version, because that's my favorite version by far." The direct soundboard mix really helps.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 4:04 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

(Unless you include Jerry's solo album, in which case my favorite is The Wheel)
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 4:11 AM on September 10, 2017

the wheels on the poop go poop, poop, poop.
posted by sciencegeek at 4:11 AM on September 10, 2017

My kids wouldn't usually sleep until I had done something to

Slaap, kindje, slaap
daar buiten loopt een schaap.
Een schaap met witte voetjes
dat drinkt zijn melk zo zoetjes.
Slaap, kindje, slaap
daar buiten loopt een schaap.

which is roughly:
sleep baby sleep,
out there walks a sheep,
a sheep with white feet,
that's drinking its milk so sweetly,
sleep baby sleep.

So, the sheep needed to be replaced with something else, a dragon, dinosaur, water buffalo, octopus, you name it, and its subsequent actions needed to be dragony, dinosaury, water buffalo-y, or octopussy, too. The trick was to deliver reasonably satisfying (from two slightly divergent tired kid's perspectives) plots, but without whipping said kids back into a hilarious we'll-never-sleep-now!-frenzy. You know, like: sleep baby sleep, out there walks a *suppressed giggle-glugs of anticipation*... er, an earth worm *uncontrolled shrieks of mirth*...etc.

I have a long history of this. When I was little and once slept over at my grandparent's place, my aunt, who was a little religious, wanted me to pray before going to sleep, and I said "Ich bin klein, mein Herz ist rein, meine Füße sind schmutzig, ist das nicht putzig?" --> "I am tiny, my heart is pure, my feet are dirty, ain't that funny?" My aunt was duly shocked and appalled, while I saw my mom trying to hide a wide grin ...
posted by Namlit at 4:43 AM on September 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

My dad loved to change lyrics to make us scream (with delight/horror) as kids. Two favorites:
- Rudolph the Black Toed Bunny
- So These are Gloves (modified from So This is Love from Cinderella)
posted by CMcG at 4:55 AM on September 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

I sing "what shall we do with the little kitty?" to the drunken sailor tune.

And to the bingo song:

"There was a little kitty cat and ___ was her name oh"

the spelling bit I usually do as K I T T Y because their names don't fit.

One of mine is like a cranky baby, she wants to be held while she meows at me so I sing her all the nursery rhyme type songs I'd sing to babies.
posted by kitten magic at 4:56 AM on September 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

I was in Tesco earlier today, and perhaps surprisingly they played Christmas carols for a short while. This didn't seem to please every customer; one of them loudly sung his own variation of the lyrics to Good King Wenceslas which included frequent uses of the f-word that I'm sure I never heard in the church version usually sung in December.

I just ignored it and started to do my Christmas shopping.
posted by Wordshore at 5:24 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

When I'm serving up canned food to my kitties, I sing the chorus of Sweet's "Ballroom Blitz" as "There's gonna be a fancy feast.... fancy feast!"
posted by porn in the woods at 6:41 AM on September 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

So many cat songs and dog songs! I put one of my favorites into a metatalk comment a few years ago.

The previous set of cats are all gone as of late last year, but we got a pair of kittens late this past spring who are now growing into full-sized cats. They don't have established theme songs, yet - Inari the tabby sometimes gets a variation of "Volare", but Mr S the big soft black cat doesn't have any songs yet that are particularly his.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:39 AM on September 10, 2017

mogget: Our household is also known for cats having a very hard knock life! Sometimes my wife and I sing it together, even, because it is a hard knock life, for cats.
posted by rmd1023 at 7:57 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

OH HAI SO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THE NIGHTMARE WORLD MY BRAIN CONSTANTLY GENERATES?

These are embarrassing and shameful and I am only sharing these in the hopes that it finally somehow excises these from my brain. We have lots of these. So many. So terrible. Pretty much any shitty old song whose original lyrics lend themselves to simple declarative statements. For example:

BARBIE WORLD
I'm a vallhund girl, in a vallhund world
I eat the bunnies when I can catch them...

O TANNENBAUM
O dog name, o dog name,
Something that describes you...

COPACABANA
Her name was dog name,
She was a show dog
She ate bunny poop
From the back yard

THE SIGN
I verbed the noun
I verbed the noun and now the noun is verbed
The noun is well-verbed
All because I verbed it

COWBOYS FROM HELL
mumble mumble mumble *enthusiastically* VALLHUNDS FROM HELL!
(only to be sung while dancing with one and holding her leetle feeties)

I SHOT THE SHERIFF
I verbed the noun there
But I did not verb the other noun

SHAKE YOUR LOVE
Verb the noun
I/You must verb the noun
Or the noun
Noun, it won't get verbed

THE MUNSTERS THEMES YES I KNOW IT HAS NO LYRICS THAT IS NO IMPEDIMENT TO MY HORRIBLE STUPID BRAIN
I am the verber of noun-uses
Because I verb up the noun

In conclusion: fuck you, brain.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:57 AM on September 10, 2017 [11 favorites]

I have about a zillion songs for my sweet Lucyface but this one is currently at the top of the All-Lucy Top 40 charts:

(to the tune of "I love you and Buddha too" by Mason Jennings

Oh Lucy I love you,
I love you Lucy Lou
Sweetest puppy in the world,
You're the cutest little girl I know,

(alright) Alright!
(alright) It's true!
(alright) No lie!
I love you oh Lucy Lou

repeat ad nauseum.

My husband thought that I wrote the Lucy Lou song on my own. I had to burst his bubble and tell him that the vast majority of dog-related songs were written by someone else, about something else.
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:16 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Also: when she was a little pup and had to sniff every goddamn blade of grass before deciding upon the perfect place to poo. To the song "Closing time", of course

Pooping time,
Time to poop upon the grass
and scoot around oo-oon your ass.

Pooping time,
Time to poop upon the ground
and scoot your buu--utt around.

I know that you really have to poop.
I know that you really have to poo-oop,
I know that you really have to poop, have to poo-oop...
posted by Elly Vortex at 8:18 AM on September 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

Oho! I once enlisted this community in helping me come up with songs for my little cat--before I had adopted her and would just borrow her when she would come to visit. So, I'll just drop this here.
posted by Stewriffic at 8:34 AM on September 10, 2017

My cat Zoey died, but I used to sing her "Love Shack" with these words:

A Zoe-cat is a little-known cat who
I can get to cuddleeeeeee
Zoe-cat Zoooeyyyyyyy
A Zoe cat!
A Zoe cat!
Etc.


mew
posted by millipede at 9:49 AM on September 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Second English village show of the weekend done earlier today. Though on a much smaller scale than yesterday's, at this one some of the categories were open to a public vote; here's my selections.

Things noted:

* The marrow competition was for the "heaviest" and had more entries than for any of the other categories. It also appeared to be the only one for which there was a (inappropriately tiny) trophy.

* There were several photograph categories. The amusing photo one was good. The one for 'named world landmark' I side-eyed at, as it seemed like a thinly-veiled attempt for villagers to show off where they had been to, and also seemed to be a bit exclusive to those who could afford the travel. I wish shows would stick to some variation on 'best local photograph'.

* There were some good apple entries this year.

* When in doubt, I vote for the cat-themed entry. Which is okay until there are multiples ones in the same category.

* That was a really good bacon roll from the little cafe inside the village hall, and I must come back to future events for that reason alone. That and the cake selection.

* Whoever did the original of this sign has probably been excommunicated and has already left the village.

* I did not win the tombola or the raffle. And I wonder when the Prosecco craze will be over amongst the middle classes and other products will be offered as a main prize at such events.
posted by Wordshore at 10:03 AM on September 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

We had a version of "Must Be Santa" for our cat, Smidgen.

Who's got a little tuft of white? Smidgen's got a little tuft of white
Who walks on your tum at night? Smidgen walks on your tum at night
Tum at night, tuft of white
Must be Smidgen, must be Smidgen, must be Smidgen, Smidgen Paws

Our new cat is Q, and we're leaning pretty heavily on the puns. As in:

I really really really really really really like Q!

posted by knuckle tattoos at 10:57 AM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

What's a nice cat like you doing in a place like this?
posted by ctmf at 11:19 AM on September 10, 2017

I have two cats who get songs:

- Black hole cat, you're so fat, you eat up all the food. Black hole cat, you're so fat, you're so fat.
- Spherical cat, spherical cat, spherical cat hates [random line depending on why she is annoying], they have a fight, spherical wins.
posted by jeather at 11:33 AM on September 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Our cats just get a quick lyric adjustment on the fly. If the Beatles are playing, for example, "Yesterday" becomes "Smelly cat, how Sylwester is a smelly cat, like a thousand year old welly cat..." and "Come Together" becomes "Here come old fat cat, he come mewing up slowly" or whatever.
posted by pracowity at 12:03 PM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

When my daughter was a baby we used to sing the Starship song to her as "We built this baby, we built this baby on fried egg rolls." (I still do sometimes except now she is a preschooler who loudly yells at me she is "NOT a BABY!", so its days are numbered.)

Explanation: when I was pregnant I had hyperemesis and very very few things were edible, and one of the few things I could eat without immediately retching at the thought/sight/smell of it was fried egg rolls. Not the Chinese-American rolls: the British-style bread roll with a fried egg in it. There was a snack van near my office that sold the best rolls in the world, and I had long got into the habit of getting a roll with fried egg and potato scone once a week. Salt and tomato sauce, egg cooked just enough to maintain structural integrity when carrying and explode in a gooey way when you bit into it. When I was pregnant, that minus the potato scone was one of the few things left I could still eat. So for months at a time my diet was mostly limited to fried egg rolls, Coke and anti-emetics, and my baby was somehow born healthy and chunky anyway.

I built that baby on fried egg rolls, and I am proud.
posted by Catseye at 1:44 PM on September 10, 2017 [9 favorites]

Her name was Nora, she has a cat face
with her tail in the air and her nails cut down to there [traditional feline nail trimming shanty]

Straight outta cat face [parental discretion iz advised]

All the single kitties
All the single kitties
All the single kitties
All the single kitties
meow meow meow meow meow meow
If you had it then you should’ve put in on a cat
If you had it then you should’ve put in on a cat [with apologies to rawberry, this is a great one to sing while putting stuff on a cat]

All about cat face, ‘bout cat face, no doggies
(cause every inch of you is furry from the bottom to the top) [with apologies to Johnny Wallflower]

Where the Cats have no name [this one’s going out to hippybear]

Indoor kitties don’t cry, they don’t know what hungry is like
Indoor kitties down cry, they don’t know what suffering is like [and here’s a request and dedication to The Whelk]

If you want to be cat face for the rest of your life
Never make an allergic woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get a cat lady to marry you

It’s the Final Meowntdown
mew mew mew mew mew mew mew mew mew!

cat infinitum
posted by ActingTheGoat at 2:42 PM on September 10, 2017 [9 favorites]

every Easter she sings "up from the grave he rose / with a bunch of stuff between his toes" in church).

My dad was a Preacher's Kid and he got in trouble one Easter when he was 10 by singing "up from the grave he arose/with a mighty blowing of his nose".

As you can imagine, this tendency never stopped. From him I learned:
- I wanna know, have you ever seen Lorraine? (Have You Ever Seen The Rain)
- I've got a hand, I've got a hand/It's very much larger than my other hand/IT'S MASSIVE, IT'S MASSIVE/It's very much larger than my other hand! (A Ram Sam Sam)
- Brusha my teeth in the bosom of Abraham! (Rocka My Soul)
- There's a hole in the bottom of your butt! (There's a Hole in The Bottom of The Sea)
- Sarah-sponda, Sarah-sponda, Sarah-sponda's wet wet wet! (Sarasponda, to me in the bathtub as a baby)
- These eyes/Cry every night/For food (These Eyes, also sung to me as a baby)
- We don't need no radiation/We don't need no flux control (Brick in the Wall, lyrics invented when DadFreedom was in nuclear power school in the Navy)


I sing to the cats a lot. Right now I am favoring "Miss New Booty" for Connie, singing "Kitty kitty kitty kitty, rockin everywhere!" Al is far too dignified to be sung to.
posted by chainsofreedom at 2:53 PM on September 10, 2017

Oh man I do this to my spawn. He is too young to be mortified by it. It's usually extemporaneous and in the moment, so I don't have any particular go-to songs.

My parents used to do "Feel Like Makin' Pies" for Bad Company's "Feel Like Making Love" which is... basically just replace the word "love" with "pies," and turn down the radio accordingly for each mention of said word. Did it make sense? NO. They started doing this to me when I was in high school.
posted by daikaisho at 3:08 PM on September 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Whenever possible - and it is almost always possible - we replace the words in the chorus to Super-Charger Heaven by White Zombie. The real words are:

Devil man, devil man, calling
Devil man, running in my head yeah

For example, on the way to a party once, my husband discovered a hole in his sock. So he let me know by yelling:

Holy sock, holy sock, ripping
Holy sock, my foot is cold yeah

Or:

Dinner time, dinner time, food's out
Dinner time, come fix your plate, yeah

When my son was little:

Poopy dipe, poopy dipe, yucky
Poopy dipe, you need a change, yeah

Often, even if one of us gets an idea for the first part & belts it out, someone will pick it up immediately.
posted by lyssabee at 4:00 PM on September 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Everybody's got a hungry cat" is popular around here. Sometimes it's "wobbly" instead of "hungry," if we are singing to Yorvit (because he is indeed a wobbly cat).
posted by rtha at 4:41 PM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

We also have a set of songs we sing to ducks. There's a particular species of duck called the American Wigeon. Seeing wigeons usually inspires us to sing "American Wigeon" to the tune of "American Woman". This is followed by "Witchy Wigeon", "LA Wigeon", "Black Magic Wigeon" and so on. Cinnamon Teal get serenaded with, of course, "Cinnamon Teal" to the tune of "Cinnamon Girl." There are a few other bird songs, but I can't think of them at the moment. Maybe rtha will remember them.
posted by gingerbeer at 4:49 PM on September 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

When our kids were infants, my wife would bounce them or dance with them, singing

"Shake, shake, shake
Shake, shake, shake
Shake your baby
Shake your baby!"

Got a couple funny looks from some of the other parents picking up from daycare...
posted by nickmark at 5:34 PM on September 10, 2017 [8 favorites]

I have repurposed the songs Brandy and Mandy. Now, instead of singing about Seven the Dog I'll singing about Torgo the cat. I kind of can't believe it be er occurred to me until now.
posted by Room 641-A at 5:40 PM on September 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yeah I do this pretty much 24/7 as well but the most performative one for me is singing Living On a Prayer to my parents' cat Patch. 'Whhhhooooa OOOHHH, Patchies on the chai-air
posted by Trivia Newton John at 6:20 PM on September 10, 2017 [8 favorites]

At the time I was working for a kitten
And he was the meanest bastard that you have ever seen
To lose a single kipper would grieve him awful sore
And then he'd get all pouty and just lie there on the floor

And it's lend me ten pounds, I'll buy you a cat
And mother wake me early in the morning

The cats and I are drunk and looking for you
We'll eat your frigging kibble and we won't give a damn
My father was a blue tip, my mother a chartreaux
My brother earned his medals for best kitten at the show

And it's lend me ten pounds, etc etc..

~~~~

Most of the ones I sing are just one liners, "One is the fluffiest kitten that could purr and mew", "If you liked it then you should have put a cat on it", etc. Or subbing in "cats" for any key word - "America! What time are cats?"
posted by Frowner at 6:31 PM on September 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

Why can't I get just one frog?
Why can't I get just one frog?
Guess it's got something to do with logs
But I've waited my whole life for just one...

DAY. AFTER DAY.
posted by h00py at 6:33 PM on September 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

I just want a kitten like any other, what do I get?

I only want a cat who will lie on the mat [wear a cute hat, not bite a bat], what do I get?

What do I get? No love! What do I get? No sleep at night! What do I get? Nothing but bites!
posted by Frowner at 6:35 PM on September 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

My go-to is "heeeeey snuggly baby" or "heeeeey fluffy kitty" to the tune of the "heeeeey sexy lady" part from Gangnam Style.
posted by ActionPopulated at 6:47 PM on September 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Cats, cats, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Cats said he
And I'll feed you all, wherever you may be
I am the Lord of the Cats said he
—
(To the tune of "Hey Jude")
Hey dog, don't be so bad
You're a good dog, you could be better
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:54 PM on September 10, 2017 [8 favorites]

Triceratops! Triceratops! Triceratops! Triceratops the space-age robot!

I also like to make sure Triceratops has epic background music for whatever she is doing. The Game of Thrones theme while playing fetch, for example, or the second movement of the New World Symphony while taking a nap.
posted by ChuraChura at 7:27 PM on September 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

I used to sing "I'm gonna wash your body, each day. Dance with me... Got time, but I don't mind, I'm gonna wash you boy" to my son while he was in the bath.
posted by k8t at 9:19 PM on September 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

To the greyhound:

Laaaa, the crocodile dog
Lalalala crocodile dog

(I know.....somewhat misremembered)

It was only in recent years that I learned that the b-52's line is "pass the tanning butter" and not "press the panic button"....but the rock lobster' s remaining prey had to be rescued, yes?
posted by brujita at 10:08 PM on September 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

My dad is a master of this - in Cantonese, to the tune of whatever me or my brother (both classically somewhat-trained pianists) happened to be practicing that season. My favourite was a little song about changing his underwear set to the second movement of Beethoven's Sonata Pathetique, which I found excruciatingly boring to play until I started singing it to myself (I was, er, not the most diligent student).
posted by btfreek at 10:47 PM on September 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

Well, in response to a kid question, "Like a ship, I was born to walk alone...". It is good that the kids have not started listening to White Snake so I will not be busted. The rest of the time is abusing Foreigner's "Hot Blooded" but always keeping the "check it and see" e.g., in response to what is for dinner: "Roast chicken, check it and see! It has a temperature of at least one hundred and three!" The more I think about the more I realize that I abuse a lot of lyrics. In my defense, I am going to say that it is similar to early Heian poetry with its constant allusions to earlier works or something like that....
posted by jadepearl at 12:06 AM on September 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

I like to sing my roommate's cat her namesake's theme song, but I don't actually know it, so I have settled on a mostly-tuneless sing-song with the lyrics "Dora...the explorer...she's an exploring cat!" She loves it, obviously.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 4:23 AM on September 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

No pets for me growing up, but we had a few great songs my aunts came up with for us. The most common was:

Wild Hair
(Duh nuh, duh nuh nuh)
You get everywhere
(Duh nuh, duh nuh nuh)
You swing here and there
(Duh nuh, duh nuh nuh)
Wild hair, I think I love you.

We also inserted our family into a few songs:

There's no business like Maloney Business, it's the only business we know...

And at Christmas, pretty much any time my sister and I walk down a sidewalk we start singing "Oh here we come a wassailing" and at the appropriate point sing

Oh we're not just daily beggars who beg from door to door
For we are some MALONEYS whom you have seen before!

(You have to yell MALONEYS. It's important.)
posted by ocherdraco at 4:34 AM on September 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Oh, just remembered, from a while back now. In the Outer Hebrides, and the cats were bored looking out of the window, I used to sing a variation on Haddaway's What Is Love to them that went:

What is toast?
Baby don't burn me,
Don't burn me,
No more.

{searches} Huh; surprised and disappointed at the general lack of toast posts on the blue. Time to fix that, perhaps.
posted by Wordshore at 4:48 AM on September 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

To the tune of "Edelweiss":

Buddy cat, buddy cat
Every morning you greet me
Claws so white, teeth so bright
You look eager to eat me
posted by ourobouros at 6:17 AM on September 11, 2017 [10 favorites]

Just this morning I found myself singing an old favorite to the cat, a variant on Kathleen Hannah/Julie Ruin's VGI -

Serving up ideas like delicious fishes/I'll play with your mind but I won't do your dishes

Which is about how it goes, actually.
posted by Frowner at 6:18 AM on September 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

My partner picked up a brand of cat food called DeliCat, and even though the food is long gone, we still use the plastic jug to hold the new food. So of course, to the tune of Smelly Cat from Friends:

DeliCat, DeliCat,
That's what we're feeding you
DeliCat, DeliCat,
It's not your fault!


To the tune of Maria, from West Side Story:

Jill (Last Name)
I just met a dog named Jill (Last Name)
She sleeps on couch all day
And doesn't want to play
With meeeeeeeeee


I rewrote The Battle Hymn of the Republic for my grandma's 80th birthday. The chorus was,

Happy birthday, Grandma Esther!
Other grandmas cannot best her.
We hope this party has impressed her.
A toast to Grandma E!



And finally:

I think I know whose woods these is.
That house down by the village? His.
He will not see me stopping here
To face a tree and take a whiz.

My motorbike must think it weird
To find itself where I have steered
There's no exhaust or honking horns
For once, the bleedin' traffic's cleared.

I give my todger three quick shakes
I climb aboard, ease off the brakes
I rev the engine nice and loud
In case there's anyone awake.

The woods were lovely, dark and deep
But I've a horn to honk and beep
And no one round these parts will sleep.
And no one round these parts will sleep.
posted by coppermoss at 6:23 AM on September 11, 2017 [8 favorites]

It somehow does my heart good to know that y'all live in eternal nightmare worlds like mine.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 8:04 AM on September 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

With apologies to Simple Minds, I've been singing this one to antsy dogs asking if it's food time yet since I was a teenager:

Don't you
forget about dogs
Who is a dog?
[dog's name] is a do-og!
D-D-D-DON'T you! Forget about dogs!
posted by deludingmyself at 8:57 AM on September 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

You can pretty much keep the "as you walk on by / will you call my name" lyrics exactly the same, because dogs.
posted by deludingmyself at 8:59 AM on September 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Our dog Raisin is now..

Rai-sin-cito!
Your feet smell like Dorritos
I'll wrap you up in a burrito
You're hoping I'll give you a treat-o
etc etc...
posted by latkes at 10:59 AM on September 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

When Artemis lies down flat on the floor, like this, I sing "flat rabbit" as in "Hot Pockets!"
posted by clavicle at 12:32 PM on September 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

It never occurred to me that this is a thing one could do. Much less that hundreds of mefites have already spontaneously done it. Neat!

I may have to give it a try. Though, I'm not sure my cat will realize that I've changed the lyrics.
posted by eotvos at 2:05 PM on September 11, 2017

We used to do this with our music-loving picky-eating son. Things like "Avocado" sung to Handel's Messiah, or "Sweeeeeeeeet Potaaato" instead of Sweet Emotion. If we'd ever served it I'm sure we would have sung Rob Zombie's "Deviled Ham".
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 2:17 PM on September 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

These dogs need a Walken
And that's just what they do
One a these days these
these dogs
Are gonna

Walk over to you.
posted by clavdivs at 5:36 PM on September 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

I used to sing "What! What! In the butt!" to my kids while changing their diapers.

What what in the butt is how I referred to my husband's recent colonoscopy. As often as I could.

Anyway, I'm glad this thread exists, because said husband thought it was weird when we got the dog and I immediately started singing to her. I never sang to our cats. They're not into music.

My go-to songs are "Zelda puppy, you're the one, you make -ing lots of fun," "Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, I made you out of dog," and "You are my Zelda, my only Zelda, you make me happy when youdon'tstealallmyblanketsandtakeupallmybedspaceseriouslyyou'resuchasmalldoghowdoyouevenDOthat."

The mister, despite himself, often finds himself singing "Her name is Zelda, she is a puppy" to the tune of Copacabana.

Zelda is at least eight years old, but she is Zelda puppy.
posted by Ruki at 10:07 PM on September 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

Don't you
forget about dogs
Who is a dog?
[dog's name] is a do-og!

UNNNGH WHY WHY WHY? It's in my brain. I can feel it. There is no question about it. I can feel it.

"Zelda, Zelda, Zelda, I made you out of dog,"

Oh yeah also we sing the Semi-Translated Gamera Song to our dogs. Doggy name is really neat! She is filled with doggy meat!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 5:33 AM on September 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

YOUNG MAN! You don't got to feel down!
I said, YOUNG MAN! There's a new place in town!
I said, YOUNG MAN! We'll change that butt all around!
At the Downstairs Changing Table!
It's fun to be on the D S C T!
it's fun to pee on the D S C T!
posted by Adridne at 6:06 AM on September 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

One of our cats (Joel) likes to carry toys (springs or the plastic ring from the milk jug) while howling at the top of her lungs. So:

I like to sing-a
About the moon-a and the June-a and my spring-a [or ring-a].

This is super obscure, but to the tune of Ohio by the Cerny Brothers:

Singin' songs about my milk ring,
Singin' songs about my fav'rite toy.
Singin' songs about carryin' it around the house
Singin' songs about holdin' it in my mouth.

Joel! I think about you all the time.
Joel! I think about you all the time.
posted by BrashTech at 6:23 AM on September 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

When my son was a baby, he'd have a meltdown every evening, so my husband would sing "The Nightly Meltdown" to the tune of Europe's "The Final Countdown".

Devo's "Whip It' became about a whippet: "If you're gonna get a dog, get a whippet / Take him for a walk, walk your whippet" etc.

I altered Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" to be about my son: "His name was Theo / he was a baby / With pasta in his hair and a diaper under there...."
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:25 AM on September 12, 2017 [5 favorites]

Oh! And to Doug E Fresh's "La Di Da Di" , about my dog:

La di da di, he wants to potty
He causes lots of trouble and he bothers everybody
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:29 AM on September 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

And upon actually reading the thread, I am apparently ActingTheGoats. Sheesh.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 8:32 AM on September 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

When I had a Pomeranian, I used to sing Sting's "Englishman in New York" to him:

Oooh, Pomeranian, he's a Pomeranian
He's a fuzzy dog in New York
posted by moonmilk at 10:59 AM on September 12, 2017 [5 favorites]

I used to sing Super Freak to my sweet Jo, except it was Supa Stank.
"She's a very stinky dog
The kind you don't take home to mothaaah
She will never let your spirits down,
The girls a supa stank
She's a Supa Stank, Supa Stank,
She's supa stanky Yow!"
posted by haunted by Leonard Cohen at 2:13 PM on September 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

Ed Sheeran's Shape of You has become one of the many daily musical tributes to my good large boy Harper:

Cat you try to steal my food
Bat at my hands when I am playing with you
Come on now Harper be cool
Get off the keyboard I'm typing
Now, boy, come back in that door
Get off the table when I'm cooking too
Come on now Harper be cool
Come on now Harper be cool (a-whooh)

I'm in love with a Harper cat
That's why I let him get kinda fat
I'm in love with a Harper cat
I'm in love with a kitty~
posted by capricorn at 6:43 PM on September 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

I've been trying to come up with something new lately. This is just a draft:

My bobbin lies deep in the machine
My bobbin spins out all its string
My bobbin lies deep in the machine
Oh bring back my bobbin to me
posted by bunderful at 5:15 AM on September 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

I like this thread. Thank you for making it.
posted by bunderful at 5:33 AM on September 13, 2017

I do a lot of filk but it's almost always in Dutch.
posted by Too-Ticky at 6:12 AM on September 13, 2017

Last night I made up a filk for Billy Childish, based on his catchy yet really kind of classically resentful-dude song "You Make Me Die", from a favorite album of mine, At The Bridge.

TV, videos, money and vice
Are acceptable choices for my ex to make for her life.
They are not a
Reflection on me
And saying otherwise is misogyny

I try to be true, I'm trying my best
And that's why I respect choices made by my ex

I have a bunch of similar ones for Elvis Costello and some scattered ones for other catchy yet inappropriate pop songs.
posted by Frowner at 7:14 AM on September 13, 2017

Oh kitty you're so fine
You're so fine you blow my mind
Hey Kitty (dum dum-dah)
Hey Kitty!

also:

Isn't she fluf-fyyy!
Isn't she won-der-ful!
posted by Hypatia at 7:45 AM on September 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

I don't check the grey very often... came over here and saw 133 comments, came into the thread disappointed...

Nobody sings "Hound Dog" to their beagle/ other hound!?!
I'm shocked, we used to sing that one all the time to ours.

For some reason our current dog doesn't have a song though. I guess she needs one.
posted by Laura in Canada at 10:14 AM on September 13, 2017

Hypatia, I am stealing incorporating those into my set list immediatamente.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:01 PM on September 13, 2017

After reading this amazing AskMe thread I got a jar of marmalade and another of Marmite and made myself a mar-mar sandwich ... and it works!

To tie in with this MetaTalk, I ate it while singing to the tune of U2's The First Time:

I have a sandwich,
A sandwich like no other...

...to the ever-watching cat of the neighbor.
posted by Wordshore at 4:48 PM on September 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

My husband says that it always works if you substitute the word "lunch" for "love."

Gonna Give you my lunch
Every inch of my lunch
hey ho
A whole lotta lunch...
posted by vespabelle at 8:58 PM on September 13, 2017 [4 favorites]

Gloves too.

Baby gloves, my baby gloves, oh how I need your gloves!
(Babby gloves, for when kid gloves aren't soft enough!)

Sunshine got her name because when she started showing up around my place I was listening to Hello Sunshine on repeat. Honestly it's been a while/since I've had reason left to smile/hello Sunshine! Sunshine carries a modicum of dignity, so rather than change lyrics I just sing her songs with her name in them. There's plenty.

Abbey, on the other hand, has zero dignity and therefore is subject to the silliest debasements of pop and her name. Though Abbey is rarely Abbey. She's mainly Kitten or Kitty or Booby or Baby. She loves a good cradling and rendition of Rock-A-Bye Booby. And Little Boxes gets a lot of airtime on cat-man radio:

Little boobys, little boobys
And she's all made out of kitty cat!
posted by carsonb at 10:05 PM on September 13, 2017

The littlest hanov3r child is now 6. For almost his entire life, getting ready for bed has included his mom singing along to Bob Marley:

PAJAMAS
I wanna wear my pajamas with you
PAJAMAS
I hope you like wearing pajamas too!
posted by hanov3r at 1:31 PM on September 14, 2017 [4 favorites]

OK yes the meter is off on the last line but it can be accommodated
posted by hanov3r at 1:33 PM on September 14, 2017

OMG every. single. time we eat jam in my house we all have to sing Jammin'. We think we're sooooo funny.
posted by latkes at 2:16 PM on September 14, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am the mother of the littlest hanov3r child.

The Pajamas song goes:
"Pajamas!
I want to wear my pajamas with you.
Pajamas!
I hope you like pajamas too!"

Other altered lyrics:

To the tune of Single Ladies:
"All the little babies, all the little babies
All the little babies, all the little babies..
they put their legs up!
If you like it, then you'd better put a diaper on it!"
posted by msladygrey at 9:48 AM on September 15, 2017 [7 favorites]

We also sang All The Little Babies to my roommate's baby. But for us it was at the table and the song went, "If you like it then you better put a bib on it..."
posted by latkes at 10:41 AM on September 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

Pajamas!
I hope you like pajamas too!"

I love that you sing this to your child. I have always seen pajama songs as anthems to the home office.

Working at home today, Bob Marley or Billy Joel?

pajama, pajama, pajama
pajama, pajama, pajama
I hope you like pajamas too!
pajama, pajama, pajama, pajama
pajama, pajama, pajama, pajama
pajama in the name of the lord.

vs.

sing us a song, you're the pajama man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all in the mood for some flannel now
And we've got pajamas tonight.

I don't envy anyone that choice.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 12:57 AM on September 16, 2017 [2 favorites]

Here is an increasingly bizarre story about a dodgy priest. I'm adding it to this thread because of his dog.
posted by Wordshore at 8:22 AM on September 16, 2017

Here is an increasingly bizarre story about a dodgy priest. I'm adding it to this thread because of his dog.

He was again accompanied to court by his official clerical dog The Venerable Mr Piddles.

That this is not the weirdest sentence in this article is astounding.
posted by lazuli at 12:30 PM on September 16, 2017 [5 favorites]

My dad is pretty good at these. One that will always stick with me is a couplet of sorts based on the hymn "A New Name in Glory" which goes like this:

There's a new name written down in glory,
And it's Schnavitz, O yes, it's Schnavitz.

His name is Stephen, so your guess is as good as mine.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 3:02 AM on September 21, 2017