Claim your keyboard here folks.

December 8, 2013 9:38 PM

Ok, what Mefite owes you a keyboard or monitor because they wrote something that was so damn funny you lost bodily control for a moment? Extra credit for graphic descriptions of the mess :)
posted by pjern to MetaFilter-Related at 9:38 PM (81 comments total)

I never had bodily control in the first place.
posted by aubilenon at 10:06 PM on December 8, 2013

I could use a new keyboard and monitor, so could someone please step up to the plate? I'm easy.
posted by mazola at 11:46 PM on December 8, 2013

It's traditional for you to go first I think.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:02 AM on December 9, 2013

Well, for one, zarq's oblique reference to the Nine Billion Names of God took me by surprise...in a good way.
posted by pjern at 12:09 AM on December 9, 2013

Ah, Jeff. I miss you and hope you are well.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 12:22 AM on December 9, 2013 [9 favorites]

I keep a micro fiber cloth handy to wipe off my screen and my coffee mug a meter away from anything.
posted by Namlit at 12:28 AM on December 9, 2013

This comment by mintcake! for some reason springs into my mind randomly a couple of times a year and makes me giggle to myself, which can be awkward in meetings and at sombre occasions.
posted by greenish at 2:32 AM on December 9, 2013

Well, Blazecock Pileon just blew me away with that link he posted above. I have the memory of a goldfish though, so prior to that it is hard to tell.
posted by Literaryhero at 4:33 AM on December 9, 2013

There have been loads - y'all are some funny dudes - but this is the one that pops into my head now and then. I remember definite snortage.
posted by billiebee at 4:45 AM on December 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

What you do is prop up your broken keyboard and monitor, such that it seems to be in working order. Get the Mefite to come and sit down, offer a turn reading Metafilter that will get them.

As soon as Mefite sits down, brush the keyboard and monitor such that they come crashing down in all their brokenness. Play it cool! It's important you pretend to be surprised at this state of affairs! Mefite owes you a new keyboard and monitor.
posted by Meatbomb at 4:46 AM on December 9, 2013

I keep reading the headline as "Claim your keyboard hat folks," then I slip into a pleasant reverie imagining what a "keyboard hat" might be like, only to come back to my senses a few minutes later with a guilty start muttering "what was the question again?" I am very sorry for this behavior.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:35 AM on December 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

That really happens to people? Adult people?
posted by Joseph Gurl at 5:46 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

You know, I have a really short passage between my nose and my mouth, and get mouth food/bev all shooting through my nose all the time. I've passed whole cheerios before. Twice. I am an adult and have been for a while.

Check your pharynx privilege there, pal.
posted by phunniemee at 6:17 AM on December 9, 2013 [12 favorites]

I've passed whole cheerios before.

Sounds like a YouTube hit to me.
posted by soundguy99 at 6:35 AM on December 9, 2013

Nobody in history has ever actually snorted coffee (or any other food or drink item) all over their keyboard in response to something funny online. It's all lies.
posted by oliverburkeman at 6:37 AM on December 9, 2013

OMG - too many to name, but here are the older ones in my favorites pile:

Cortex, what the fuck?

everichon, sounding like an old dude

Cookie?

loquacious

every.time.killing.me
posted by ersatzkat at 6:48 AM on December 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

This comment by spec80 on sneaking out of the house is always a winner for me.
posted by phunniemee at 6:49 AM on December 9, 2013 [9 favorites]

And then sometimes at random I'll think about this Greg Nog comment and start reading all the inane questions my coworkers ask me in Morbo voice and I just lose it.
posted by phunniemee at 6:52 AM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

This one never fails to make me chuckle.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:52 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

This happens all the time to me, most recently because of Etrigan's comment in the nuclear launch codes thread.
posted by Wretch729 at 6:56 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

I'm having ENTIRELY too much fun looking at old favorites now:

Mod image tag abuse

First rule of Social Science

The 2008 election was a fun time on Metafilter

...it just kept giving!

Marisa is also a giver

...and again
posted by ersatzkat at 7:09 AM on December 9, 2013

Box's response to this AskMe thread was pretty great, and still makes me chuckle from time to time. (Just read down the thread, it only works in context)
posted by metaBugs at 7:17 AM on December 9, 2013 [5 favorites]

This comment from prize bull octorok. Also, my quip about cows that ThePinkSuperhero kindly linked was actually stolen from a niece of mine going to school in the midwest cow country.
posted by exogenous at 7:47 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Opus Dark. I had to switch monitors after:

"...And how a pomo-basher can beam Neal Stephenson into a deathwatch-infested Star Chamber based on a thoroughly out-of-context anteBinBellum quote is proof everlasting that wily pomo never dies - it just masturbates quietly under Scarlet O'Hara's crinoline."
posted by clavdivs at 7:59 AM on December 9, 2013

Found this one back. About what triggers men to hitch up their pants.
posted by Namlit at 8:01 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

This one from shakespeherian. Whenever I'm angry about something, I think "Are you the dumbest shittiest dumbshit that ever shitted some dumb?"
posted by Melismata at 8:10 AM on December 9, 2013

Lutoslawski for this AskMe comment. No beverages were harmed in the reading of this but tears were shed.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:27 AM on December 9, 2013

Also "add to cart" and spiders.
posted by Namlit at 8:29 AM on December 9, 2013

This comment by halogen also needs to be read in-context, but it made me fall out of my chair. So good.
posted by yaymukund at 8:30 AM on December 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

Now I really am having a problem here, do I favorite the originals or the reminiscence-posts here. Argh end of workday, pudding brain.
posted by Namlit at 8:32 AM on December 9, 2013

Originals. Don't dilute the system.
posted by Melismata at 8:35 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

I did both for that BHUTAN comment.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 8:38 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Are you confused about political parties, candidates, and other messy intricacies of modern-day representative democracies? Have you ever walked into a voting booth, overwhelmed with options, and found yourself saying, "There's got to be a better way!"

There is.
posted by divined by radio at 8:39 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

This comment by halogen also needs to be read in-context, but it made me fall out of my chair. So good.

Well, I guess that pretty much clears up any questions about the whole Gross National Happiness thing then.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 8:40 AM on December 9, 2013

Greg have you tried being less hirsute?

Mods? Can we get a clarification that the Chicago basketball team is not made up of literal bovines? Mods? Mods?

a haiku to commemorate the occasion

"Boy, you really were pissed," he said.
posted by zarq at 9:03 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

So this just led me to this, which led me to this, which led me to HURF DURF POOP, which led me to snicker out loud on the train home.
posted by billiebee at 10:00 AM on December 9, 2013

Billiebee thanks for the reminder, Jessamyn has some hilarious asides, including this one. We can talk about penises here!
posted by Melismata at 10:25 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

I love this answer to "Do I respectfully acknowledge to my colleague that I find him hot?"
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:33 AM on December 9, 2013

The genesis and resulting hilarity of shitstorm honeypot. (Read down several comments from this link.)
posted by carsonb at 10:45 AM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

My housemates have just collectively asked me why I've been staring at the screen for the last five minutes with a completely horrified look on my face. All I can reply - which does not really answer them - is "Poo question."
posted by Wordshore at 10:46 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Context is everything. No it isn't.
posted by Namlit at 10:55 AM on December 9, 2013

Anyway my stir fry might have tasted better without having seen that question re-hashed...
posted by Namlit at 10:56 AM on December 9, 2013

I love this answer to "Do I respectfully acknowledge to my colleague that I find him hot?"

Which answer? I don't see the little mustard arrow next to any of the comments there. Did a mod delete it?
posted by Rustic Etruscan at 11:40 AM on December 9, 2013

"Honey, have you been to the doctor?"
posted by pxe2000 at 11:43 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

This one just a few minutes ago caused me to snort partially chewed orange up my nose while at my desk at work. Not my finest moment.
posted by skycrashesdown at 11:44 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Rustic Etruscan, the link goes to this:

I think you should try telling him so you can discover for yourself how, regardless of culture, voicing such feelings is totally upsetting and destructive. You may be the kind of person who only learns by doing. If it takes destroying your own relationship, possibly destroying his relationship, maybe ruining the dynamics of a whole group of people, turning friends into enemies and lovers into combatants, in order that you might learn to keep your mouth shut about inappropriate feelings, then by all means do it, and be ready to learn a pretty harsh lesson.
posted by Ice Cream Socialist at 2:30 PM on August 10, 2012 [18 favorites +] [!] No other comments.

posted by zarq at 11:44 AM on December 9, 2013

The penis doesn't exist in a vacuum

Unfortunately there is a non-zero number of emergency room visits every year because of exactly this problem.
posted to MetaFilter by shakespeherian at 3:34 PM on April 8, 2013 [34 favorites −]
posted by Sophie1 at 11:58 AM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yo, Filterians, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, but NortonDC had one of the best jokes of all time! Of all time!
posted by onlyconnect at 1:02 PM on December 9, 2013

CANNOT STOP READING THE ANSWERS TO THE POO QUESTION. STILL HORRIFIED. FOREVER HORRIFIED.
posted by Wordshore at 1:05 PM on December 9, 2013 [4 favorites]

zennish's comment and ODiV's rejoinder in the two-sentence horror story thread is perfection.
posted by Westringia F. at 1:11 PM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

You know, I have a really short passage between my nose and my mouth, and get mouth food/bev all shooting through my nose all the time. I've passed whole cheerios before. Twice. I am an adult and have been for a while.

Check your pharynx privilege there, pal.


Because I am not too proud to steal other people's stories: I was studying cleft palate for a class, and chatting on-line with my girlfriend at the same time. She told me about her six-year-old cousin, now possessed of an adorable button nose, who was born with cleft palate. They had a heck of a time feeding him because babies with cleft palates have trouble creating suction.

Eventually, he figured out on his own that if he stuck his hand into his mouth above the bottle, he could seal off the cleft and get suction, and he'd eat and be totally happy.

I was like, "Wow, babies are amazing, aren't they?" and my girlfriend was like, "Oh, yeah, they totally are."

And then she said, "And what was extra-cute was that when he did this, his fingers would stick out of his nose."
posted by not that girl at 1:37 PM on December 9, 2013 [7 favorites]

I am not usually a beverage spitter, but I cried laughing, in public, at the provenance of davejay's printer/scanner and moonmilk's suggestion for the Atlantic.
posted by clavicle at 1:46 PM on December 9, 2013

I love Nattie's comment about her parrot so much that I occasionally forget myself and try to explain it to other people, which is always a terrible mistake because I am a) usually tipsy by the time this seems like a good idea, and b) so incapacitated with laughter at the very thought of this comment that communication becomes completely impossible for the next five minutes.
posted by dialetheia at 1:48 PM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

23skidoo's response to this concern is probably mine.
posted by Navelgazer at 2:21 PM on December 9, 2013

Robocop is bleeding nails the local spending priorities of Pontypandy.

The always entertaining Elizardbits has an example to follow on the only way to truly be ready for the zombie apocalypse.
posted by PeteTheHair at 2:26 PM on December 9, 2013

I wish Ms Dewey was still around so that I could ask her about John Ruskin.
posted by unliteral at 2:28 PM on December 9, 2013

A great response from Albrecht on male prostitution
posted by patricio at 2:46 PM on December 9, 2013

Are you confused about political parties, candidates, and other messy intricacies of modern-day representative democracies? Have you ever walked into a voting booth, overwhelmed with options, and found yourself saying, "There's got to be a better way!"

There is.

My next band is now determined to be named "The Daily Mansnatchings."
posted by Navelgazer at 2:50 PM on December 9, 2013

loquacious wishes for death
posted by namewithoutwords at 3:00 PM on December 9, 2013

Think_Long wrote a comment that elevated the awful 40 Days of Dating diary entries to pure art. Nailed the project's voice and tone perfectly.
posted by mochapickle at 3:30 PM on December 9, 2013

The wumpus approach to computer security
posted by Kwine at 3:54 PM on December 9, 2013

I didn't remember I had the "replace keyboard with leopard" browser extension installed until I opened this thread. So, this thread owes me a new leopard.
posted by Tesseractive at 3:59 PM on December 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Thanks, I needed this.

Quite a while ago, I told a MeFite I'd send an IBM Model M keyboard. I lost the MeFite's address in an email mess of some sort. if it was you, let me know.
posted by theora55 at 4:20 PM on December 9, 2013

Joseph Gurl: That really happens to people? Adult people?

Well, I'm gonna be 45 next year, so I guess I'm an adult, and there was a comment on MetaFilter a few years ago that was so funny that I spewed coffee all over my monitor and the (then-white) wall behind it. It was so bad that I ended up having to *paint the wall a different color*.

The rotten thing is that I can remember everything about reading that comment, the coffee everywhere, laughing until I couldn't breathe (the laughing was compounded by the "Oh my god I just SPEWED COFFEE FOR REAL"), but I can't remember what the comment was or what post it was from. So. Frustrating.
posted by tzikeh at 5:54 PM on December 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

I already told her this, but this comment by Ruthless Bunny about dealing with depression hit me right in the funny bone.

Depression makes you feel like EVERYTHING is a honking effort. "But if I go to the store, I'll have to put on pants! BAH! FIE!"
posted by treehorn+bunny at 7:58 PM on December 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

The one that really made me lose it was Damn That Television's reaction to the wedding of Archie and Veronica.

Runner-up: the quidnunc kid on the 4th of July.
posted by equalpants at 9:32 PM on December 9, 2013

Ok, I really need to stop following all these links in public. Cos lalex's comment got me reading the TSA baby thread, which caused me to stumble upon this:

Wow. I'm not saying it's right, but I wouldn't have been even a little bit shocked if this had ended with her gouging out somebody's eye. You do not take the baby from the mama. No. That's generally a bad idea in species that have fur and mammary glands. That is right up there with coming out of the shower, seeing your Doberman has piddled, then bopping him on the nose with your dick as punishment. It's not really called for and if it ends badly, nobody would have any sympathy for you.

And now I'm on the train wiping away actual tears.
posted by billiebee at 1:15 AM on December 10, 2013

Pronoiac's comment is one of several in that thread that caused me to dribble tea down my front.

Artw on Coldplay made me howl, then do a little I-am-not-alone-in-the-Universe victorious dance, and then howl some more.


And even though I've mentioned it on MetaTalk before, this one from Greg Nog makes me lose my shit every. single. time.
posted by coppermoss at 5:20 AM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

And I love griphus's account of what comes from following Ask advice a little too closely:

https://metatalk.metafilter.com/21612/There-may-not-be-fifty-ways-but-there-are-more-than-one#982019
posted by wenestvedt at 9:25 AM on December 10, 2013

STILL HORRIFIED BY POO TALK 24 HOURS LATER. CANNOT GET POO IMAGES OUT OF HEAD.
posted by Wordshore at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

Are you confused about political parties, candidates, and other messy intricacies of modern-day representative democracies? Have you ever walked into a voting booth, overwhelmed with options, and found yourself saying, "There's got to be a better way!"

There is.

Vote #1 quidnunc kid?
posted by maryr at 10:59 AM on December 10, 2013 [3 favorites]

I once posted that this comment on shaving by Divine_Wino might be where Mefi jumped the shark.

I don't think it's true, but it still makes my laugh uncontrollably.
posted by lumpenprole at 12:03 PM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

This is one of my favorites
posted by double block and bleed at 2:38 PM on December 10, 2013

I have been known to tell the bees-in-the-car story at parties (always starting with, "One of my friends..." So if you're reading this, sonascope, thanks for making a LOT of my friends laugh.)

Also this is my absolute favorite application of evolutionary psych.
posted by WidgetAlley at 3:11 PM on December 10, 2013

if it was you, let me know.

Um, it might've been?

I love Model M's, and I've mentioned them on Mefi quite a few times, and I think I once started to try to arrange something like what you're describing. Might've been somebody else, too, or it might've never even happened.

In any case, don't sweat it--I don't remember if it was me or not, and I've got, like, several more Model M's than I will ever need already. I'm typing on a compact Model M right now, for crying out loud.
posted by box at 5:20 PM on December 10, 2013

Hey, my local recycling place still tosses Model Ms in the trash even though I've asked them for ten years to NOT TOSS and just sell them instead. To me, to others, on eBay, whatever.

Back in 2004, Stan Chin made a two-word comment that killed my last Model M.

Okay. Awkward.
posted by vers at 5:43 PM on December 10, 2013 [1 favorite]

You'd think they'd be worth something just for the scrap-metal value.
posted by box at 6:00 PM on December 10, 2013

There's just no way Ms should just be trashed without recourse. The boards I've seen getting tossed are better than scrap and could well be sold. I've insurrected as far as I can; if anyone here wants to call the recycling place and remind them that there's demand for these keyboards, please MeMail me for the contact info and I'll wait at the back of the line.
posted by vers at 6:15 PM on December 10, 2013

grobstein reacts to a Field Guide For Loners...
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 7:30 PM on December 10, 2013

Two of my favorites:

Where to buy dry ice

The Cortex and Jessamyn Show
posted by TedW at 9:09 AM on December 12, 2013

I've never even seen "House," but robocop is bleeding evoked it perfectly (I am quite sure).

My wife and I still regularly have conversations about playing "Outside."

I absolutely loved the parrot comment above. That one had me in stitches.
posted by Conrad Cornelius o'Donald o'Dell at 10:09 PM on December 14, 2013