Plumbing the Depths of AskMeFi November 6, 2011 9:55 AM Subscribe
Best breakup advice on MeFi?
There's a critical need for my wife and I to share some Metafilter advice with a friend. I know there's been several posts on askMeFi about how to break up with someone, all usually with special snowflake details, of course.
What have you found to be the best advice? Is there a best of the best answer for ending a relationship? Looking for links to Ask MeFi or blue comments.
There's a critical need for my wife and I to share some Metafilter advice with a friend. I know there's been several posts on askMeFi about how to break up with someone, all usually with special snowflake details, of course.
What have you found to be the best advice? Is there a best of the best answer for ending a relationship? Looking for links to Ask MeFi or blue comments.
T-minus 14 seconds to Miko…
posted by phunniemee at 9:59 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by phunniemee at 9:59 AM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
in the other direction, apparently
posted by phunniemee at 10:02 AM on November 6, 2011 [27 favorites]
posted by phunniemee at 10:02 AM on November 6, 2011 [27 favorites]
phunniemee: "in the other direction, apparently"
!okiM
posted by zarq at 10:36 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
!okiM
posted by zarq at 10:36 AM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
Who knew that "it's not you, it's me" would be such a popular hit?
posted by P.o.B. at 11:15 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by P.o.B. at 11:15 AM on November 6, 2011
Miko's advice isn't for every situation. You should post a question to AskMe which describes the situation as fully as you can.
Otherwise, you're just shooting in the dark as you ask random strangers on subsite of webiste. Your friend deserves better than this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:17 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Otherwise, you're just shooting in the dark as you ask random strangers on subsite of webiste. Your friend deserves better than this.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:17 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
For after the breakup, jenny's advice about being friends with your ex is some of my favorite AskMe advice ever.
And I also highly recommend Miko's advice for breaking up in a way that goes as easy as possible on the soon to be ex. Good luck to your friend!
posted by onlyconnect at 11:22 AM on November 6, 2011
And I also highly recommend Miko's advice for breaking up in a way that goes as easy as possible on the soon to be ex. Good luck to your friend!
posted by onlyconnect at 11:22 AM on November 6, 2011
Yeah, best answer is a personal choice of the op, and even popular doesn't equate to being the best advice for you.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by P.o.B. at 11:23 AM on November 6, 2011
Who knew that "it's not you, it's me" would be such a popular hit?
It's not just "it's not you, it's me", it's the technique of expanding that to such mindnumbing length that the other party wants to jump off a bridge if it means getting away from you.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:34 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
It's not just "it's not you, it's me", it's the technique of expanding that to such mindnumbing length that the other party wants to jump off a bridge if it means getting away from you.
posted by Wolfdog at 11:34 AM on November 6, 2011 [7 favorites]
Aha! It's not so much avoidance, as it is to make the other person avoid you. So much clearer.
posted by P.o.B. at 11:40 AM on November 6, 2011
posted by P.o.B. at 11:40 AM on November 6, 2011
But 946 favorites for something that is rather common...huh?
What's rather common?
posted by rtha at 12:15 PM on November 6, 2011
What's rather common?
posted by rtha at 12:15 PM on November 6, 2011
But 946 favorites for something that is rather common...huh?
1. There's certainly nothing wrong with you that a fifth of jack in me won't fix - we are a great spouses in a lot of ways - you're snarky, erudite, look good in fedora, etc.
2. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about your comment, and I know that it's important to me to have that strong connection by now in order to favorite it.
3. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I can't deliver it right now. It's probably because of Netflix, but I can't swear to it.
4. I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the thrill you will soon be experiencing when someone favorites your comment, and knowing that's not me I think its' best to flag it and move on.
5. PROFIT?!
6. I really really really really struggled with this decision while heating up leftovers because I think you'd be great as kidney donor and don't want to see you damaged, just in case. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure--whoops, microwave is done!
7. Do you have any favorites for me?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:27 PM on November 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
1. There's certainly nothing wrong with you that a fifth of jack in me won't fix - we are a great spouses in a lot of ways - you're snarky, erudite, look good in fedora, etc.
2. But for whatever reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about your comment, and I know that it's important to me to have that strong connection by now in order to favorite it.
3. You deserve real feeling and enthusiasm and for whatever reason I can't deliver it right now. It's probably because of Netflix, but I can't swear to it.
4. I don't want to be in your way and prevent you experiencing the thrill you will soon be experiencing when someone favorites your comment, and knowing that's not me I think its' best to flag it and move on.
5. PROFIT?!
6. I really really really really struggled with this decision while heating up leftovers because I think you'd be great as kidney donor and don't want to see you damaged, just in case. I didn't make it lightly but I feel sure--whoops, microwave is done!
7. Do you have any favorites for me?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 12:27 PM on November 6, 2011 [17 favorites]
I agree that you should post about your unique situation if you are at all stumped. I am getting tired of my own comment by now. It's just a basic "it's not you it's me" formula that tries to be as kind as possible. But it was a totally uncomplicated relationship. It can't fit every situation, like Brandon Blatcher said. This isn't a realm of life where there is a "best" that is one-size-fits-all.
posted by Miko at 2:05 PM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by Miko at 2:05 PM on November 6, 2011 [3 favorites]
For a more profound and philosophical effect, try this one, recycled through Google Translate several times:
1. "We have many aspects of the game rich, BE - you are really attractive (positive list of fat), regardless of which is said to enjoy Munaishinaidekudasai, in the absence of Jung with no. They do not represent that it is not never."
2. "However, for some reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about it, and I now I know that it is important that they have a strong connection."
3. "I can not use it anymore for some reason you can not, you do not mind the passion of the true value."
4. "Without the need for several years, people, I am now ready to live its own people in this group, I know you do not have the experience must have just opened your Teita Rashii."
5. "I really really really, as I suffer from this decision, you really, I do not want to hurt you. I have not lit it, and I am sure it is correct."
6. "Do I have a question for you?"
posted by crapmatic at 2:25 PM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
1. "We have many aspects of the game rich, BE - you are really attractive (positive list of fat), regardless of which is said to enjoy Munaishinaidekudasai, in the absence of Jung with no. They do not represent that it is not never."
2. "However, for some reason, I'm not feeling strongly enough about it, and I now I know that it is important that they have a strong connection."
3. "I can not use it anymore for some reason you can not, you do not mind the passion of the true value."
4. "Without the need for several years, people, I am now ready to live its own people in this group, I know you do not have the experience must have just opened your Teita Rashii."
5. "I really really really, as I suffer from this decision, you really, I do not want to hurt you. I have not lit it, and I am sure it is correct."
6. "Do I have a question for you?"
posted by crapmatic at 2:25 PM on November 6, 2011 [5 favorites]
Miko, your advice is perfect for this, actually. I avoided an Ask MeFi because I don't like asking for a friend, if possible, but I also though it'd be good to see what everyone had remembered as good advice from previous ask mefi's.
This did the trick quite nicely. Huzzah!
posted by glaucon at 2:27 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
This did the trick quite nicely. Huzzah!
posted by glaucon at 2:27 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ok if I could just piggyback on this questions for a bit, as I'm going through a breakup, what's the best breakup advice in reverse? That is, for the person who was broken up with. It's been more than a week, and I'm still thinking about this guy way too much.
posted by peacheater at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by peacheater at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
the best breakup advice in reverse, on AskMe that is. Otherwise this would be an AskMe question.
posted by peacheater at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2011
posted by peacheater at 2:39 PM on November 6, 2011
peacheater, someone has been there before: "Focus on other things, like how awesome you are and how petty little twerps like the creep you're fondly waving goodbye to are insignificant in the grand scheme of things."
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:01 PM on November 6, 2011
posted by MonkeyToes at 4:01 PM on November 6, 2011
Now this has got me in the mood for a break up - anyone?
posted by infini at 12:05 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by infini at 12:05 AM on November 7, 2011
So have any Mefites had the Miko done on 'em yet? All of us are going around breaking up with people using Miko's amazing seven step plan. What happens if you find yourself breaking up with another member of the Miko's club of 946?
posted by chrchr at 12:19 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by chrchr at 12:19 AM on November 7, 2011
I read that comment with the British meaning of 'common' - 'common' advice would be to drag your ex-beloved on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector test.
posted by mippy at 4:15 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by mippy at 4:15 AM on November 7, 2011
My ex almost used Miko's guidelines -- I definitely think he hit points 1 through 5. Unfortunately he was a little bit confused so he didn't seem as sure of himself as he should have been as per 6 (or that could just be wishful thinking). He didn't ask if I had any questions directly, but I did have some and we talked them over. So, all in all, I'd give him high marks.
posted by peacheater at 4:33 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by peacheater at 4:33 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I directed a friend to Miko's breakup advice and she Loved it. She said it was the first time that she broke up with someone and still felt like an adult. While the backlash is fierce, the very smart people of metafilter often forget how hard basic emotional discussions are for most people.
So thanks for helping a couple of friends, Miko! I should've sent on her thanks at the time, because I got too much of the credit for that good advice.
posted by ldthomps at 9:06 AM on November 7, 2011
So thanks for helping a couple of friends, Miko! I should've sent on her thanks at the time, because I got too much of the credit for that good advice.
posted by ldthomps at 9:06 AM on November 7, 2011
peacheater, at the risk of some blatant self-promotion, I shared this advice a while ago and I still swear by it and give it to friends in need.
posted by gauche at 10:36 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by gauche at 10:36 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
The only person you can let down easy is yourself.
posted by humanfont at 12:01 PM on November 7, 2011
posted by humanfont at 12:01 PM on November 7, 2011
And then proceed to do better than you did before, working till you drop, till you notice one day the spring is back in your step again
and you'll worry about that big Five oh a few more years later
posted by infini at 12:25 PM on November 7, 2011
and you'll worry about that big Five oh a few more years later
posted by infini at 12:25 PM on November 7, 2011
Anyway, STOP CHEATING ON YOUR PEAS. Then you won't have to be in this situation in the future.
posted by Wolfdog at 1:27 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Wolfdog at 1:27 PM on November 7, 2011 [2 favorites]
Hey I do that too! And what about that blazecock pigeon guy?
posted by villanelles at dawn at 1:36 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by villanelles at dawn at 1:36 PM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
Some of my personal faves about being on the receiving end of a dump:
It's hard to see this now, but I think this is one of those situations where you'll probably look back years from now and be really glad that it didn't work out, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. If you can live, just a bit, in that future, it can help move past this hurdle. Think of a relationship in which you are cherished and valued and respected. Did this relationship have this? Isn't that what you truly want? When you are fortunate enough to find it, it'll be much more clear that you likely aren't losing something here that was good for you. Our emotions can be something of a smokescreen to what we really need (and deep down, really prefer) at times. --SpacemanStix
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There is a clock inside your head that counts down until the point at which you're over someone. Nobody knows how long the clock has to tick for. It just has to go on and on until it's done.
Every time you have contact with your ex, you reset this clock. And it has to go through the ticking down process all over again, right from the beginning.
Cut off all contact until the clock has ticked down. Time does work, you just aren't giving it a chance to. --Solomon
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posted by timsneezed at 5:55 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's hard to see this now, but I think this is one of those situations where you'll probably look back years from now and be really glad that it didn't work out, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment. If you can live, just a bit, in that future, it can help move past this hurdle. Think of a relationship in which you are cherished and valued and respected. Did this relationship have this? Isn't that what you truly want? When you are fortunate enough to find it, it'll be much more clear that you likely aren't losing something here that was good for you. Our emotions can be something of a smokescreen to what we really need (and deep down, really prefer) at times. --SpacemanStix
-----------
There is a clock inside your head that counts down until the point at which you're over someone. Nobody knows how long the clock has to tick for. It just has to go on and on until it's done.
Every time you have contact with your ex, you reset this clock. And it has to go through the ticking down process all over again, right from the beginning.
Cut off all contact until the clock has ticked down. Time does work, you just aren't giving it a chance to. --Solomon
-----------
posted by timsneezed at 5:55 PM on November 9, 2011 [1 favorite]
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posted by peacheater at 9:59 AM on November 6, 2011 [13 favorites]